Her mil...my mom.........

maya69 · Jan 31, 2014

I am having such mixed emotions right now that I just had to vent here….sorry long vent...I am posting in in law section though I am not sure if its right forum...dils will identify with it but so too will dd's

So my brother call me out of the blue and says that they need more privacy and having our mother home with them all the time is getting difficult and I need to take more proactive role in bringing my mom to my house for longer periods of time. There he said it!!! something many ladies here wish their husband would convey somehow to the mil! I felt angry, sad, confused and didn’t want to talk. But I kept calm and said ok will try and asked him what he had in mind. He did not want mom to know and that I should just make it sound as I want to spend more time with her.

I had pangs of guilt. Had I been that thoughtless?? I hope not. I had taken my mom with us for our holiday trip and she was with me for 3 weeks. Last year totally she only stayed with me bout 2.5 months and not at one stretch either. She calls my brothers house her home; my inlaws call my house their home. I work outside the house, have 2 teens to run around for, my in laws also live with me and after a few weeks, having both parents at home gets on my nerve even though they get along ok. My mom doesn’t drive and in my town she is stuck at home as not good public transport like her town. And when I see my mil boss my mom around with kitchen work I feel it’s better she goes back. So generally my mom doesnt spend long months at my place.

But now there is this check mate from my brother’s side. I knew exactly what bro was talking about in regards with privacy though because I also wait for my in laws to move out to my bils house a day or two as well. Many weekends they don’t because of some issue of another and I get bugged. So of course I knew what he was talking about!

I didn’t ask if a particular incident triggered this or not. I have coached my mom to get out the house more and be positive and be happy that sil is taking good care of my brother. Sil doesnt work and there are no kids yet. But my mom felt ignored by my brother and felt he always sided with his wife and never opened his mouth to say its ok please adjust to wife for anything. My brother is the quiet type. But I kept repeating to my mom it doesn’t matter, they are happy…please adjust. I knew she was trying and was quite independent going to gym,temples etc but at 70years you can only get out of the house so much!

I am not sure where I am going with this vent. There must a lesson that god wants me to learn from all this. what goes around comes around! But I am feeling more lenient towards my in laws now. And yes I will make sure my mom comes over more often for longer stretch.

But I wonder can two generations ever stay in the same house peacefully in adulthood? And if so how do they do it? I Pray to god that I am able bodied and financially independent for much of my retired years. And am definitely not selling my house in my old age. Having a place to call your own is a blessing.

padmaja909 · Jan 31, 2014

dear maya

I like the way you think of balancing both parents side of family and in laws side. with such clear and fair thinking from your side i am sure, everything will fall in proper place.

Srama · Jan 31, 2014

Dear Maya,

I never ever write here but your post brought tears and pain. Please have courage and hope and continue to do the wonderful job you are doing, of balancing. You seem to be a good person and things always have a way of working out. Take heart and vent out, it is okay. I have no solution but wanted to offer you a word of comfort. Best wishes and hugs.

rajinitk4 · Jan 31, 2014

Dear Maya

Hugs to you for managing well. I can very well understand your situation. you are trying to balance both parents well. I too dont have any solution right now but continue doing what you are doing.

Ss81 · Jan 31, 2014

U r so big at heart....

orchidgb · Jan 31, 2014

hugs to you. nothing to say. if mom is hinderance where is the world going.

samal · Jan 31, 2014

Hugs to you. You can handle them.......

vidukarth · Jan 31, 2014

Maya,
I think, it is definitely good to vent out... but i think you are already doing the right thing and so keep cool and balance like how you are now.. things will fall in place...

CrayoNess · Jan 31, 2014

Is your mothers health weak or is there some other reason for why she has to stay with her children? I would be feeling (as a mother to grownup children) kind of insulted if they would think I am some kind o package that they send here and there. Of course is your mothers health is weak she will need someone to help her out.

I do not think it is a good idea that two adult generations stay under the same roof. I love my daughters but would go nuts in a week if they were living with me .

gauridinesh · Jan 31, 2014

I love the fact that you understand your BIL's position and predicament and dont blame his wife for it. It shows that you are a really matured individual. With this kind of balance of mind - I am sure you will do just fine.
You have given the solution to your problem in your own post. So nothing much to add. Just that, right now-I have a lot of respect for you.Kudos!