DILs and MILs Dynamics - Lets Discuss

Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

Ria,

Truly Spoken from your Ivory Tower! Let me give a voice to be downtrodden and the abused.

I really dont think you have any idea about what some of the women who have posted their hardships here have gone through. Please do understand that it takes all kinds to make this world - the good and the bad. Some in laws are great, some in laws are tolerable and some in laws are downright horrible. Being a great parent does not guarantee that they are a great In Law. I am sure there are hundreds (no thousands, actually make it millions) of women who can testify to how differently they and their husbands/SILs are treated in a household. You are obviously not one such woman. Good for you!

All women get married hoping to be part of a loving caring family. All women go to great lengths to accomodate to and please their In Laws when they enter into the new family. Many Many times these actions are reciprocated with scorns, jeers and criticisms instead of encouragement, kindness and gratitude. I dont agree with you that it completely falls on the new comer to adjust to a family. It falls on both sides to accomodate, adjust and mesh. If one side keeps on creating friction, it doesnt matter how much the other side tries to smooth it out, you will never have harmony. If the family contains mature, intelligent people they will treat the newcomer with kindness and understanding, make her comfortable and help her fit in. I can tell you, this is not a very common occurence between DILs and In Laws. The DILs feelings and self respect are badly bruised and beaten. She is left to crawl around the desert of hostility all on her own seeking this mysterious oasis of "acceptance"

Taking about equality. Will any Son In Law tolerate the behaviour that is dished out to Daughter In Laws? If a woman's parents continuously yell at a Son In Law (even by phone), will it be tolerated for even a minute? But somehow, it seems to be acceptable in our culture to yell at women. It doesnt matter how much stress she might have at work, how much physical problems she might have, the In Laws think it is their right to yell at her much much more than at their own sons or daughters. If a woman is the most important aspect of deciding a family's values, how is it that she is given the least of rights, affection, control and care? Just because this was the way of life in the past, doesnt make it right. In previous generations women were scorned by the society when they were widowed or divorced. Should we keep those "values" too. I think a lot of people confuse the word "value", with the word "practice". If we dont learn lessons from our mistakes and evolve with the generations, we have arrested the development of human civilization. We might as well knock down women with clubs and drag them by their hair to the caves and behave like cavemen again.

You are completely confusing the issue of taking care of In Laws and keeping them happy versus tolerating abuse from them. If the only way some people can be happy is by yelling at and abusing their daughter in laws, they really have a problem. Gaining happiness from emotinally hurting other people is called Behavioural Sadism. Just because this psychological problem is prevelant, it doesnt make it normal.
Also completely confusing the issue of parents disciplining you and In Laws ill treating you. When parents discipline you it is not constant 24/7/365 yelling with complete lack of goodwill. Its great that you have such wonderful In Laws that you could not tell the difference between the two. Good For You again! You are truly blessed.

You really think it makes a woman happy to distance herself from her In Laws? Wow! You are so far away from understanding their plight.
Human Beings are social animals. Distancing yourself from your pack causes extreme physical and emotional distress. Of course again, you wouldnt know about this. Good For you again!
Any human being is capable of taking this measure only after exhausting all possible solutions. This is always the last desparate measure any woman takes to keep herself from going insane.

You can try to intelligently "trick" your In Laws into liking you. Not all In Laws are dumb and thick enough to fall for it and not all DILs are devious and cunning enough to resort to it. Whatever you do in life, you should never lose your honesty and straightforwardness. I would not want to teach my child that resorting to cunning is the only way to get people to like them. When you do the right things in life and be respectful, kind and good to people around you, you have done your duty.

I am very happy for you that you are able to adjust so wonderfully with your In Laws. May God keep you this happy for the rest of your life. Please dont pass judgement on others who might have a different set of problems from your own. Only the person who wears the shoe knows where it bites.

 

Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?


Well..it makes me just go clueless after reading Ria. What are you saying? This? OR that? OR are you saying both? You make points favoring both sides!! This argument is going nowhere. To me..it feels like I am listening to a politician who is making a grand speech without making much argument and choosing the words very carefully without hurting anyone and without making anything clear!

I think…most of the women when they enter their marriage want to adjust to the new environment, accommodate everyone on husband’s side and also want to be treated well too. It is not like going and living in a hostel, sharing room with bunch of new people. It is an emotional roller coaster with lots of simple and natural expectations that the husband and his family will receive and treat her well. And if she is treated well, she will do things to accommodate and even pamper everyone in her new place.

And for in-laws, they have a new person in their family. Yes, she will share their son/brother. The bond between her and their guy as a spouse/life partner sharing her mind, heart, body and everything else with him- as deep it is – is a very important one and ranks equal to parents (or MORE depending on the son’s reception, priorities and conditions of his life). They may be possessive and it may be hard for them to see this, but they have to accept the fact that their wish that their son should be married comes with all the other issues the DIL brings.

And I think, unless the DIL comes from a family where is it already assumed before hand, that in-laws are bad and should be treated differently, most of the women step into the marriage with happy, pleasant and friendly attitude. And I am certainly not talking about “DILs also claim very obnoxiously that they have also left their parents. Who is caring for them?” I am only taking about women who has good upbringing and values.

Just like you, I am 30 year old too. And I have a Masters degree and I am a CEO of a software company I run together with my husband. I stepped into my in-laws home as a new and only DIL of a house with MIL, FIL and 3 SILS. I was received and treated well and considered as their 4<SUP>th</SUP> daughter on the second day of my wedding. Then I came back to US next day and lived with my husband in a world of my dreams for 2 years (I still do even today after 6 years of my marriage). And in those 2 years, I used to call my in-laws every weekend, I used to exchange loooong emails with two of my unmarried and depressed SILs. I used to spend hours and days on matrimonial sites to get contacts of the prospective grooms, so that my DH or FIL or BIL (Older SIL’s husband) can contact the alliances. My Husband and I used to send money for my in-laws needs and built a beautiful house in India for them, where they all go for festivals and functions and are very proud to say that it is theirs. We even paid the initial payment on one of my unmarried SIL’s flat and made her secure a place of her own.

In spite of all this, the signs of indifference did not go unnoticed. They would snap at my husband and I even to a slightest comment we make. They would ask about kids and I would say just plainly (not in any malicious sense) that we would plan when we settled down financially a little bit etc and oh..hell broke loose! “Oh..she always talks about money” - SIL!! Are you kidding me? If I were money minded, there wouldn’t be single penny from us to you in last 2 years. I send them matrimony matches and one of the matches I sent, the guy had some skin condition that was not mentioned in the site. “Oh..she sends all crappy alliances” – MIL

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OK then on my first trip to India after 2 years of my wedding, on the very second day, there was a big argument & yelling. Reason – they were waiting for us for dinner and we had our dinner with my parents in a restaurant and on the way my hubby lost my SIL’s cell phone!! I was shocked to see their behavior, to see how they all together blamed their own son/brother. When we offered to pay for the cell phone –“Oh you are rich people from America. I don’t care about money, that phone was a gift to me from my sister”- SIL. The money, she doesn’t care finally ended up in her purse anyway!!

The next morning, my in-laws, one of my SIL, my parents and both of us were on a 2-day trip to a religious place in a different state. While my dad, mom, my husband was laughing with me and had a good time in the car, my in-laws were silent all the four hours of the drive. No one said anything even to my parents! I think – it was all their spite, the jealous, the negative thoughts and a drunken, sleepy driver that pushed our vehicle into a 15 feet ditch in the middle of nowhere. If we all were alive that day, that is because of pure luck, god’s grace and my dad (a 55-yr old surgeon)’s efforts to understand and taking control of the situation. Though everyone was bleeding and severely injured, my dad, my mom, my husband and I managed to walk out. MIL and FIL were shocked and moaning sitting in the ditch, while my SIL (the one with the cell phone) was pressed under the vehicle. My dad carefully pulled her out and stabilized her, while my dizzy and clueless husband and I walked a mile to find an auto in a near by village at 2AM. My mom with her swollen leg collected all our bags, jewelry, cameras and camcorders while my in-laws sat there moaning and blaming every one.
“Some one (me and my mom) came on this trip with periods, that is why this happened!”– FIL
“These things never happened to us (As if they are normal every day occurrences to us!). People who do not belong to our family (my parents) came along. That is why this happened”- FIL
“These things never happened to us. You came along and that is why this happened”- MIL

We ended up paying 2 lakhs for my SIL surgery on her broken neck (Thank god she is alive!). Anyway that was THE MOST unpleasant trip to India, I ever had! Then the emails stopped, the frequency of phone calls reduced until I was pregnant 2 years later.

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One of my SIL works in Software Company and was here in US for a 4-month project. She was the first family member visiting for both of us. We were very happy. We found her accommodation in the city of her work, which was 2 hours drive from our place. I got all the stuff she needs and I gave her my best Jeans and Earrings etc for her to look pretty when she was meeting guys here for alliances. We used to bring her home every Friday night and drop her off Sunday night. We shopped; we took her to trips, restaurants, parties etc. I even used to pack her some curries on Sunday night so that she doesn’t have to cook for at least some days of her workweek. Mind you - she is 1 year older to me. And one fine day, when she was here, we found out that we were pregnant. Oh..we were so happy. We called and told everyone. She was not excited, but she said simple congrats. Than a month later, we were planning to take her to LA and her response “I don’t want anything to happen to you because of me. So I don’t want to go anywhere!!” How does this sound?? Doesn’t it sound like, I don’t care if something happens to her, but I just don’t want it to happen BECAUSE OF ME!! Well, we didn’t go to LA and she went back to India.

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MIL was here when my daughter was 7 months old, her first comment in the SFO airport, even before she took my baby in her hands “She has a bad nose and so thin, she is not very cute”!! – I should have strangled her right there! You should see my daughter, the prettiest girl you will ever see. And I am not saying it out of motherly instinct etc..etc. She is tall, fairest, brown eyes, lots of dark hair and intelligent, talkative and active!

And through out her stay, comments flew like they have no end. “Didn’t your mom teach you this; doesn’t your mom know any thing about new moms and new born kids” – she was talking about some exotic herb that I have never heard of! and why my mom (a highly educated and successful career women who raised, three well educated and career oriented girls) doesn’t have knowledge of raising children? There are comments on my cooking, my talking, on breast-feeding my kid beyond 6 months! (Isn’t that too early, I loved to breastfeed my daughter and I thought people push for longer breastfeeding, I never saw people especially grand parents telling to stop feeding the kid at 6 months of age). She hated diapers..whoa..hmm..sigh..

Then lucky stars helped - my SIL’s wedding was fixed, so my MIL went back a month early then scheduled. And we went with the baby, a day after we moved into our first home in the expensive bay area.

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The wedding was good, but I was not a part of it. My hubby being the only ‘young’ guy was away almost whole day making wedding preparations and no one at home would include me in any wedding preparations. I was taking care of my kid and I was on my own. Well..we were happy that they had a beautiful house to perform the ceremonies. And in between the wedding these were some comments. “She has short temper” – MIL (as a response to my snapping back at her when she declared that I hit my daughter every day to straighten her..what is that bull****!!), “What kinda name is that !!! (my daughter’s name that I chose fondly from Vishu sahasra namam)”

The wedding invitation was also hurtful. With my abilities, I wrote my SIL giving her ideas about the words in her wedding invitation, when she asked me. She never replied to that email and I never asked, until after the wedding. I stumbled upon the wedding invitation of the groom with the beautiful sentences I gave to my SIL. As educated people, would it have killed you to say that you used the matter I sent exactly word-by-word?? That would have made me so happy if they just have told me. Faithless and cultureless people..That is all I can say!

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6 months ago, my older SIL got a computer and that was one of the first few chat sessions. I was holding my daughter and went in front of the webcam to say hi. All the three sisters ignored me like I didn’t exist. They acted as if there was a computer glitch when I was there and later they talked to their brother. My DH and I both noticed that. So should I be patient and faithful and continue to talk to them? or ignore them as they ignore me from then on??​

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Now the same SIL, who got married last year, had a baby. My parents were here for a short time and when they left, I gave them a whole bunch of stuff including gold, clothes, best baby stuff available in US etc to be given to my SIL and her baby. Saying thanks let alone, my other SsIL wouldn’t even talk to my mom properly!





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My maternal grandmother and all my aunts (my mom’s sisters) are all the best, selfless MsIL I too have ever seen. They all loved their DsIL unconditionally too. They break their backs to help their sons, wives and kids. And by the way, don’t think my in-laws are uneducated brutes either. They are educated, employed. They loved their son/brother, they sacrificed, they suffered and understood life and they are as normal a normal person can be. So why all this?? I guess Ria has the answer!

I have never complained to anyone, not even to my parents or my sisters about my in-laws. I am patient. The understanding between my DH and I made us look things together. I never complained to him either. Since you raised this issue, I want you to analyze my situation. Am I being thoughtless, selfish etc..etc? I am immature? I think, I gave not 50 % but more than that into this relationship with my in-laws, what am I getting? Getting ignored? Commented? You are talking about Gender inequality/society etc. Who is being treated as unequal by whom? Four Women treating one woman, as if she doesn’t exist and as if she is bad for their family! I have already won my guy even before the wedding. I always talk to my daughter about one more set of her grand parents, who doesn’t make any attempts to know about her or connect with her, while my parents fly to US with their own money in between their busy job schedule to spend at least three weeks with their grand daughter! And I would never say anything bad about my in-laws in front of my kids. My Conscious is clear.

You said “But in my belief someone who cannot treasure and workout human relations, can never become a role-model mother. Selfishness will only breed selfishness”.
I am hurt. Yes, I have some simple expectations. I did not complain till now. But I am complaining here, so won’t I be a good role model mother? Tell me how should I work out this relationship? Tell me if you see any selfishness on my part? I believe I will be the best role model I can be to my kids, with my thoughtfulness, my caring and loving nature. Don’t label the whole stack when you cannot understand the real situations. Some relations are just tougher.

You said, “People say maintaing a distant relation is better than noisy and suffocating relation with ILs. I feel its like saying adopting a kid remotely is better than taking pain to conceive and deliver. Dont we go through the life threatening event of pregnancy for a stranger kid? We justify it for our motherly instincts”.
You are comparing motherhood and a DIL dealing with in-laws! Well..tell me what I should do in my case other than maintaining the distant relation and save my peace? Should I go time to time and make attempts so that my in-laws can include me in their lives and accept me and my husband as we are a part of their family and get ignored (just me and my daughter) time to time?

Yes, I have issues with my parents sometimes, but I work out with them and they work with me through it. Why cannot in-laws even consider attempting to work issues with me?

You came alone in this world. You will go alone. So no score can accompany you anyway. So why keep the score.
Ria, I think the statement you closed your argument with, is the most strangest statement I have ever read when you are talking something like this. It doesn’t apply here. Go tell it to someone old or some one with vendetta and someone with a project to kill the MIL/FIL and SIL. It doesn’t apply to the rest of the women, who do their part and are silently waiting and suffering.

If you think women should take it all silently, understand and adjust with out complaining openly and sulking about the in-laws, I say you have many things to see before you understand the exact conditions of these women. Let them pour their hearts out and speak out at least here anonymously, for they are being patient, understanding, adjusting and being tolerant in their real lives.

Pardon me for writing this long post. I just couldn’t stop getting excited after reading what you wrote, which I thought would not apply to a majority of woman who let their voices out here.

 

Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

Well said Venonimiss.

First of all, you are someone who has been through real pain from In Laws. I wish I could be as successful in work life management as you.

Indus Ladies is a wonderful place for women to share their hardships and feelings. As the saying goes you increase happines by sharing it and you decrease sadness by sharing it.

This is a great place for women to talk about how they have been ill treated. Women who are being treated badly at home feel loneliness in addition to depression. In addition to getting advice, this site really helps us see that we are not alone in this world.

This site provides a sisterhood to which these women can turn to and understand that there is nothing wrong with them and they dont derserve to be treated so badly. They, like all the other women in this sisterhood deserve tender love, care, affection and consideration.

Women should always be encouraged to share their hardships and feelings so that they dont have to cry alone in a corner everyday of their lives. Looking for support from people who have been through the same problems should not be considered "Backbiting".

Every point you make is articulate, sensible and unmistakably true. Great to see you stick to your principles and not compromise on goodness and righteousness. Kudos to you.

Dear ILite sisters, please dont stop sharing your pains. You are all part of a great, strong, important support system that a lot of Indian women from around the world rely on.

 

Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

Hi Ria,

Well....this is from my desk.......

Firstly i dont see any relevance b/w your thread title and thread matter.
In the thread title, it looks as if you are generalising all the DILs as a club of backbiting women and in the matter you have expressed your concern for them.

I wud like to first take up the thread title part.....
Why only DIL clubs, there are n no of MIL clubs also for that matter. We might not be aware of such clubs until we take membership......i mean when we become a MIL !
Who knows what discussions goes on in such clubs......might be worse than what a DIL seeks here.
Irrespective of what a DIL and MIL discuss in their respective groups, the bottomline is harmony in family depends a lot on both the women and all other members.

When a patient goes to a doctor for treatment, first the doctor has to know the ailment. It might so happen that a patient might have the same problem or n no of patients might have the same problem, but dont u think the doc as a true professional has to treat all of them or does he say.....oh not again! everytime the same complaints.
In this context, the DILs from various backgrounds turn to IL forum because it helps them to vent and with a hope of getting some solution.If not they can learn from others experiences,.
I think women will now think twice before posting their probs here bcos it might get labelled as "backbiting".

More in the next post.....

 

Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

In my belief, a couple should see through their duties towards both side of parents.
Not even 20% of the men will be willing to support a wife's parents after marriage.


It all the more duty of woman in the house to ensure it.Because to a great extent woman decides the culture and spritual nerve of the house.
Even though its implied that the harmony of the house depends on the woman, i believe no woman can win battles like a one-man army ( or one woman army). It needs cooperation from one and everyone in the family. Else she will end up putting her peace of mind at stake.


In most of the posts here, I see a little amount of patience will go long way. But for some reason, I find people getting obsessed with issues of ILs. Didn't you marry the son than the ILs?
I think all the girls as a part of their upbringing are trained to share,care and have all the virtues of a typical "nari".
Any women will not conclude before trying her best.When all the doors are closed, a person has to think of some outlet and this could be maintaining long distance relations or totally staying away from them. Reasons may vary from family to family.

I am surprised to see the smart woman falling short of ideas to creatively solve issues with ILs.

Smart women approach IL forum because they trust us and look forward for some moral support.

Dont we go through the life threatening event of pregnancy for a stranger kid? We justify it for our motherly instincts. But in my belief someone who cannot treasure and workout human relations, can never become a role-model mother. Selfishness will only breed selfishness.
Here i would like to say that theres a ray of hope at the end of pregnancy. Whether you call it motherly instincts or whtsover, bringing a new life into this world is not a trivial matter.
A women undergoes while 9months of physical,mental n emotional stress and i dont think the kid yet-2-come will be a stranger kid. It will be already a part of her life, inseperable.
Infact, i feel it would be apt to compare a DIL with a newborn as she enters into the new world with the same amount of innocence on her part. It depends on people around her to mould her and get the best of the best.

Dont we have issues with our own parents and siblings? That too when we have grown up with them. Then why do we assume that everyone should be as per our wishlist in In-law's house.
Very true indeed. I agree with you on this point. We have disagreements with our own siblings. Then, how are we able to arrive at a solution with our own people and not in-laws. It might be because our parents treat us as daughters and even if in-laws start doing the same, the rest will be history!

Needless to say, it takes a whole lot of patience and understanding to bridge the gap. A DIL has to enter the house with an open mind and be able to welcome adjustments. Even MIL has to give a certain amount of liberty to the newcomer and make her feel important. If both of them try to be the boss, then the friction starts. I think every MIL has to remember that she was once upon a time a DIL.......kyon ki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi......!!

thats all from me,

 

Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

hey guys..

there is always 2 sides to a story..

venonimiss.. wow.. thats a huge post.. but read it in single shot kudos for letting out your thoughts.. From the post of yours, I can very well understand the amount of excitement u would have had after reading ria's thread.

Anyways, coming to the point.. I agree that life wasn't a bed of roses for you in regards with your IL relationships. I don't know why, but from all the incidents you had mentioned, standing as a third person, I tend to incline that neither is to be blamed. [ I know you might want to strangle me as well now] but hear me out.

I am just going to give you another perspective of the incidents you have mentioned here, reason being, when you are involved it is so hard to see the facts/pointers from the other side. We all feel we are doing the right thing and everything else is wrong.

BTW, I am nearing 30 as well, I have few companies of my own both here and as well as in India[obviously consulting what else] and I am working full time in a software company with multiple hats. Depending on situations I just be a project manager or fold my sleeves and become an integration architect for middleware applications. Me and my hubby try to balance out everything as much as we can in our lives.

About kids: As old parents who are eager to see their grandkids from their only son, their expectations for their son to have kids as earlier as possible is justifiable completely. They being from the previous generation, giving reasons as we need to be financially stable, would of course sound absurd.. "you are not begging are ya? so why the delay" so giving you crude responses need not be taken in the wrong sense, but their way of disappointments. Imagine you have a brother and your parents are so eager to see their grandkids and if the bahu responds that there is no other reason but finance, keep your hand in your heart and tell me, wont your mom's first thought wouldnt never be the same as your MILs? Why is wrong if they say, that money is not important, but getting baby at the right time is? why do you need to scrutinize it wrongly?

Accident: Thank God you guys are safe. God Bless !! I read a lot on human physiology, when you are so frustrated, unless you are a sadhu, you can never be calm and contend. Now, I know no about your inlaws traditional beliefs. If you and your mom have periods, why not opt out? My MIL is very orthodox that she never lets "those girls" in the pooja or kitchen room.. may be your MIL is not that strict, but when its a pilgrimage tour, they might have expected that you opted out? Everyone is at fault, not just they is what I am trying say. Driving at 2AM, usually during such trips, its advised atleast one is awake to give driver the company, after all hes human too. So lets not just dump everything on ILS when we stand out and see the situation, we could have avoided it from every angle.

Cell phone: Think in this possible way. May be its too close to her heart and she doesnt want that to get lost? you do know after being here, its such a pain once you loose your cell.. all your contacts are gone.. She might be irritated.. What would u do, if the SIL who came here, took cell and lost it.. I know we will all be cool, calm, blah blah.. but whats your first instinct? may be she showed it off, because hes her brother? siblings fight is not that big a deal too right? why make it big then.. is your husband still holding grudge on her now.. i dont think so.

LA trip: Again, why not think its a genuine reason of hers. May be she really wanted you to take care and not travel. And please don't tell me that she wont be blamed if God forbid something happens.. Wont it get twisted that.. "why did you go to LA", "oh well we wanted to take her to LA and show around" Will that not happen??? so ..... thats the other side of it ...

Marriage Invitation: I agree to your complain that she was "not humane" about it and never responded or acknowledged.. It may be true that she didnt care or she was very tensed, nervous about her marriage, that she might have forgotten it. but so what?? does it really matter? where is all that adjustments/compromises. A person who does it and still holds it in the heart is not adjusting or compromising.. you do know that right? If you had really felt hurtful, why not ask her.. "her wow, you did use them then huh?" may be she could have asked for your forgiveness or as you thought might have been stupid.. that might dear alone can confirm who's wrong here.

MIL's daughter comment: Big LaughBig LaughThere is a proverb that I don't remember the equivalent in english - it goes like this in tamil - kaakaikkum than kunju ponn kunju -

Everyone has expectations, that their sons kids shud be like this, that, look like me, have my nose, blah , blah, blah.... Again this is a place for ignoring.. why care what they say.. end of the say its your baby right?

If they really have bad feelings for your kid.. they wont be looking at it or talking to it or blaming it all over .. but i assume, they do love their grandkid.. just a first remark.. doesnt mean they are wrong. its just their reply waiting to see the kid with all different dreams and it turns out to be beautiful in a different way thats all.

Anyways, sorry for the long post.. From Ria's post, I dont think anyone should conclude that whatever they do or say is the ultimate solution and the right one. When seen with the different sets of eyes, the same solution might be the worst. I guess Ria was going there only.. Before making any hasty decisions, try harder.. more harder.... always when handling situation put urself in multiple shoes and then come to a conclusion.. only then it will be the moral one.. atleast in ones heart.. because you made sure you thought from everyones point of view.. than just urs.

Also, this post is not any type of judging you or debate with you.. I just want to explain that there can be different sides to the same situations and thus its not that easy to blame someone .... please don't take me in the wrong way. I am pretty sure that whatever you did, you did it in the right sense !!

 

Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

I don't agree to that statistics at all. To be frank, I havent seen a single man in my life who is against looking after the girls parents.

I think you are still talking in 60s.. life is completely different now.. there might be few losers then and there.. but just giving it 20% is a bit too much

I dont know if you know this proverb - Nothing is impossible for a woman

whether shes a DIL or MIL, that doesnt matter. its all how she handles the relationships. I would say, most of the DILs with lots of dreams go and expect everything in a short term.. but they fail to understand that you are new addition and you need to work you way in to again the trust. We easily blame the in law side of it.. but when we are SIL to someone and it happens in our family, we either justify it or completely ignore it.. So instead of blaming on one side, we should blame it on the entire women race... Why cant she lay low for a while.. why is that she always have load of expectations and always end up with diappointments.. I agree that youth life.. all hopes and dreams,, but sweetie.. this is reality.. ofcourse its not fair.. but instead of pulling your guy away and walking away, why not put some effort for few years before making the decision [ again I am not nothing abt the entire women race.. but few.. the many i have seen who wants to give up in 2-3 years.. HELLO.. its just the initial phase in life.. you have the entire life ahead.. and is this how much you have patience? is what I think ]

Nope. I dont agree. Whatever upbringing or advice you hear, end of the day its your individual expectations that spoils everything. So I dont think only the in laws are to be blamed.. if thats the cause why are there so many oldage homes coming up in india in recent years.. arent they taught to respect their elders and take care of them till their death.. like they did when you husband was completely dependable on them? So please, never conclude that all girls are angels and so on.. thats not true !!!

Yes, having an outlet is great.. but just not talking is not going to help them.. There got to be some action from that outlet that benefits the person. i dont know if you remember a member CMIT.. she has gone thru hell in her relationship. every IL literally begged her to walk away.. but no action.

Good, IL is always there to help.. but we would like her life to be better than just an being an outlet for her.. We dont want her suffering the same BS life, but just for her peace coming and outleting here.. Now will that help her... We IL has to make her get back her self-respect and do the needful.. I dont think we can call ourselves friends and well wishers, when we wil just hear her pain and not advice her to take action.

Dont forget both his and our mom did the same to bring us to this world too. just for 9 months you are saying its part of our life... what about 25-30 year old son that she took care of.. Dont you think we need to stretch ourselves a little bit for her, even though sometimes it might be illogical and irritating? Doesnt she deserve that? wont you expect your DIL to me more understanding and not immediately walk away?

Come on, I feel thats the absurd comparison.. The baby is completely dependable and have no clue about this world.. A DIL is a grown lady of her own.. has her own consicousness of whats right and wrong.. when she expects so much with dreams and everything, dont you think she can also think of doing all the good things like compromises, adjustments etc?

Same goes the other way too.. If only DILS treat them as their parents like and not inlaws If your parents or siblings doesnt agree, do you walk away from them and start bad mouthing them or try as much as possible to make them understand your point? why is that its not possible with your ILs? because they are new into your life and don't give a damn? Thats also a possibility right... we give lot of importance to our side of the family,that we will go 7 mountains and 7 seas to make sure they understand.. but we dont try that hard here now do we?

Now, this is one thing I agree with ya...

Try to leave it... they are in 50s.. you have your entire life ahead.. why show who's the boss and who's close to the son? Obviously the MIL will be insecure.. Its the DIL's duty not to tie her husband immediately in her pallu, but to let go her possesiveness, but show the the unconditional love that he will know.. Remember A DIL makes a mistake always because she thinks, her husband might not respect her or care for her etc.. If only she understand that "A mom can only be a mom, but a wife can be both a mom and a wife " then shes winner all the way.. coz a guy would want only that girl who respects her inlaws and also make sure everything is balanced out correctly !!!