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Feel suffocated living with in-laws - anyone else out there?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mimita, Dec 13, 2013.

  1. mimita

    mimita Senior IL'ite

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    Hello,
    We are living with my mil from 5 years now. I get tired of the formal nature of teh relationship. I have many other issues with her - but wanted others who goes through this particular problem.

    With my mil, I can never disagree openly. We have a relationship the kind you have with distant formal relatives. You smile and nod your head and act as if everything is hunky dory:) She does the same. This is about any topic - be it politics, home, just about everything.

    I feel like laughing when other people lecture about 'treat her like your mom'.what bs. WIth my mom, I fight and resolve things in 2 mins.If my mom is irritated with me or vice versa, we can openly say it. And the relationship is strong enough to withstand anything.

    With the mil, you laugh politely at her jokes even when she has narrated the same old incident for the 15th time.Even if you are terribly upset with her over something, you fake it as if everything is ok. I would have had a great relationship with her, if I was not living with her.You get the idea. It is all a huge strain on my sanity.

    I can never be frank and a lot of times small things bottled up become huge issues in your head. There is so much lack of freedom to do things the way you want that I have started resenting her.
    I can never wind down and feel at home when she is around. Unless I am in our room and the door is closed. Ever since I had my baby I am at home more often and things have taken a turn for the worse - now I barely speak to her since I cannot be a doormat agreeing to everything she says. (In early days, we all try our best, dont we)

    Even when she isnt directly speaking, it is as if, she has one ear out for everything my husband and I speak. It is stifling.
    There was a thread here -
    An email from a Happily Married Indian Daughter in law… | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker
    and I feel the very same way all the time. Just that the woman in this thread finally got to move out. I cant and it is suffocating me :(

    Is there anyone who feels like this?

    You know, I feel these days girls are more independent and they arent the kind that can live in other people's homes. I did well in studies, earn well like any man.But the in laws and society has not progressed and still expects DILs will be ok with things that women have been doing for generations. The fact that women have changed by a huge amount has escaped them. We are more like men in every sense. But are expected to still be the ones to "adjust"

    Is there anyone out there who feels the same? Was just looking for support and some comfort.
     
    3 people like this.
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  2. shantana

    shantana Platinum IL'ite

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    word to word i can relate myself with your situation. hugsmiley
    this is very very true in my case. nowadays, i had minimized my communication with her and we dont share jokes or laugh together. i talk to her only when there is a necessary as she takes care of my two kids while im at work.
    we had so many disagreements which were due to my mil being bias and double standard plus my sil's interference in my family matter alot. i stopped talking with sil altogether.
    recently i screamed at them saying i hate to see her (sil) face and i dont have peace at own house and banged my room door. :oops:
     
    4 people like this.
  3. chillbreeze

    chillbreeze Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey Mimita, I think most of the dils living with ils will be in similar situation. I have read through the link you posted and that's exactly what I feel too. Hopefully, we too will get to move out soon.
     
  4. manu2009

    manu2009 Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with shantana as well as chillbreeze.... frankly this is the situation in almost every indian family, I too went through this, but one day I just decided enough is enough! earlier I would discuss every issue with hubby bcoz there was language problem, my mil knows telugu and kanada and had no inkling of the language, so there was no direct communication but the indirect messages for me wee through the behavior.....bang the utensils, comment while looking at me, leaving huge heaps of unclean utensils inspite of having a maid, the list can go on and on.....earlier I would tell every single thing to my hubby, both of us were working as lecturers in a professional college, but he had administrative work too so he would return late...it was tiring doing this everyday.....then one day I came home with the LEARN KANADA IN 30 DAYS book....I requested my fil to help me understand the alphabet....then if I needed to communicate with mil, I would use the book but my pronunciations were not perfect, so everyone would end up laughing at what I was trying to say, then either my hubby or fil would repeat the sentence.....this joker like performance not only diffused the tensions but also developed a friendly relationship and appreciation for my efforts....

    the reason I shared this is bcoz I want you to understand that before your marriage your mil was in charge, now she has to share it with you or hand over to you which hurts their egos, though it is not necessary to go that way....but that is how it is....unfortunately....


    you don't have to try and treat her as your mom, but try being friends with her....difficult, but at least it will help maintain peace and harmony in the family and gradually things will change...

    if you are planning to do a job u will require her help in taking care of the baby...otherwise also involve her with such activities....make her feel wanted and the ranting will reduce....trust me...take care and learn to smile inspite of the adversities...
     
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  5. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    I totally agree. The blog said everything. But in my case my mil never liked what I did, clothes I wore, how I spoke and even the smell of my soap.

    So yes living separately has been the best that has happened to me.
     
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  6. mlsruthi

    mlsruthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi

    I too join the Club...Same 4 Years of married life with lot of adjustments with the in laws. Dont have freedom even to talk to my hubby and i pity myself that i dont have the freedom to control or show my love to my own little one...We girls are sailing on the same boat...I am also a working woman and when we return home, no one is there to greet us or even give a cup of coffee...but when men return home from work they are treated well and my mil always allows her son to rest but i shouldnt relax myself even for 5 mins after returning from work..i would say it is not male domination...it is mother in law domination....
     
  7. chillbreeze

    chillbreeze Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I wonder why there are double standards for men and women in almost every home, the same goes for DD and dil too. When my sil comes back from work, she will sit and take rest, but when I come back I've to immediately start helping mil in dinner.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2013
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  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello OP,

    hugs to you. I can totally see what you are saying. Forget MIL, even when my mum comes to visit - she is totally non interfering, helpful, respectful of boundaries, open to ideas etc - the lack of privacy drives me potty within 2 weeks. It takes a lot for me not to act like a petulant child. And with mil visits, you can imagine.

    One thing I have learnt both when mil visits or I visit mil is to just do things that suit me - Clothes, food, whatever. If I feel like eating something they don't like, I request mil to cook something for her and FIL. I just go ahead and make pasta or quesadilla or whatever it is I feel like making. At MILs place, while double standards are rampant, when I come from somewhere, I've taken to asking her very respectfully for a tea. "Mum, please can you make me tea?"

    Anytime I want to disagree, I've taken to saying, "interesting to hear a totally different view" without stating my view. Baby related things, regardless of whether they come across respectfully or as a criticism, "don't worry. I'll handle it." "There are several ways of doing it right; I'm more comfortable doing it my way" and such.

    i agree that mil visiting now and again isn't the same as living with her day in and day out. What I'm trying to say is making myself assertive, ensuring I don't compromise on things that are important to me(choosing my battles) and explicitly requesting a hand has made life much better...

    hugs!
     
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  9. jackie4

    jackie4 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear mimita
    I live a life just like urs....but I feel being formal amd mainitaining adistance is much better than getting friendly and letting them cross boundaries.

    Chat with friends, parents when u feel low. People need to go thrpugh lots of changes esp in our culture to accept dil as daughters or for thst matter even pil as parents.
     
  10. simsam1112

    simsam1112 New IL'ite

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    Hi Mimita,

    Its been 3 years since I have been married & have been living with my MIL. I don't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. We don't have the option to live separately since
    1) she's a widow
    2) my husband is incapable of living without his darling mother
    I feel suffocated all the time since she interferes in every aspect of our relationship. Of lately I have been suffering with headaches sometimes stretching to days.... I sympathise with you since I am going through the same **** but the fact of the matter is we don't have a choice but to tolerate this nonsense.

    Hang in there & take care.
     
    Kiran6 and mlsruthi like this.

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