is it wrong to expect love from in laws ???

dear friends....i have read most of the posts in this forum....everybody seem to have some kind of issues with in laws which seems to be like a natural law...

however here goes my story and i need opinions and suggestions whether its the norm or is it only me having such feelings...pls tolerate this bit lengthy post..

mine is a love cum arranged marriage (both belong to same caste) my in laws are highly qualified and hols responsible positions. my parents too are well qualified and hold gud positions...so our family backgrounds too are the same.

As such at the outset my in laws are okay they dont argue or pur some unnecessary scene. But the main thing i find is INDIFFERENCE towards to me which of course insults me...it now looks as though they hv gone ahead with the marriage just for the sake of their son...i'm their only DIL...i had expectations like my MIL would show me the way....its been 5 yrs of marriage life but till this day my MIL has never spoke to me abt any of the traditions they follow...be it festivals etc etc...she has never taken any interest in all those...sometimes she behaves too modern for me...my mom is a very modern person but also pious and follows all traditions...so its kind of shock for me....i'm also for pujas ...but till this day my MIL has never told me nything...she has till now offered me no help/suggestion watsoever regarding nything in life...

is this fair?? i feel the woman of the family is the fulcrum which holds the family together...if she is not taking any steps then its not going to be gud...as soon after my marriage (next month) she left abroad to be with SIL(she is another lady who posses some complex) and MIL never even called me once to enquire abt me...we stayed with our FIL who of course is nice person but basically i lack the warmth which i had in my family...we are a very small family and i love to be with people around...but sadly its not happening...i'm bit worried abt the future too...i dont know how to tackle this...its all going like some ego ride for everyone of us(initially i used to tk lot of initiatives but now i feel down) nd most suggestion i receive is leave them(in laws) alone its better they are not torturing you...but i feel we should say as a family....

i want to make things work out but definetely not at the cost of my self respect. Even i'm well qualified and work...progressive in thoughts and would like to hold on to family traditions...

Also my in laws never miss a chance to point out that they are richer than my family...they claim to be so modern and progressive but ehy this taunting and feeling of indifference towards...i dont even feel like a part of their family..add to this i'm yet to be blessed with a baby...my in laws have never talked to me in a manner where i feel confident enough to share my thoughts instead they end up taunting me..its all very silent...nothing will be seen outside...and i'm dying inside trying to find a way out...

pls friends help me with your suggestions...i really need them...thank very much in advance for your help....

cheers...

Dear Ashritha,

Don't think about it too much. Taunts under the hood of being polite are worse then upfront encounters.

Be friendly with your MIL, if she does not tell you about the traditions and pujas then find it out from somewhere else. Probably if you start doing these things on your own she will try to give some suggestions. For example you might ask about such things from Mrs XXXX or any relative of yours and if someone appreciates you then point out that how this person helped you out. Though there is always a possibilty that she is not telling you about such things as she doesn't feel it is important, she might just be innocent.

I understand that you feel insulted so don't compromise your self respect. Usually people cross the line if they think that the person in front of them is submissive. If she points out to you that they are so rich you should immediately quote an example of your family as well, don't over do this but just put across the point that your family is no less.

If you are working, then try improving your skills, probably over dinner or lunch with your family you can mention once in a while how much your are appreciated at work, take them out for dinner when you are promoted. This will drive home the fact that you are an independent woman who has her own place in society, just because you are married to their son your in-laws can not take you for granted.

Be polite to your MIL, do not taunt her but do reply to her taunts in a polite but firm manner, if you keep taking things quietly, then the anger will keep building inside you which will not be good in the end.

Nothing is better for anyone be it a man or a woman than to be confident and self independent. Be good, be sweet, be polite but always drive home the message not only to your in-laws but to anyone in this world that they cannot step on you and walk forward.

I believe that each soul has its own journey so why be negative. If your MIL is being a negative person let her be its she who will suffer in the end not you. Be positive, be happy , live each day to fulfill your dream and to achieve a better place in this life. You have only one life and you cannot spend it thinking and brooding about things that upset you. Lead the life as you want to lead it.

Be Happy

regards

SHiva

Hi all, I fully endorse hopeforgood's views.I have experience with a MIL who follows each and every ritual to a great extent, though not with the real significance.And so i don't impose anything on my DIL who is a person who happens to be lover of rituals, but realising the true significance of them.I expect her to want to know from me if at all she wants to know anything.May be i might have evoked such an impression too who knows.

hi hopeforgood, shiva and kaluputti,
i read all ur responses and really thankyou very much...it really helps to see things in perspective when we discuss issues with others...

hopeforgood, i had been like what u hv mentioned like taking initiative for everything as i told its a love cum arranged marriage for us...even though my parents accepted their SIL wholeheartedly my in laws dont seem to...but they were not like that during our marriage...i donno what brough this change later...thing is when ur feelings are not reciprocated then what is the point ??? this is what is exactly happening..its like i'm always at their back when they dont seem to be interested at all...i dont want to discuss with my hubby abt this as this would hurt him very much and how can i hurt the person whom i love most on this earth...moreover i know too well that he would tk up things and speak for me to his parents which will only make things worse...so i dont tell him...
there is no negative or positive feeling its just indifference and ingnoring which makes me feel bad...

shiva...also reg learning traditions from others i dont know how my in laws will take it...for that matter even if i ask her i know too well that she will think that i'm acting too big for my age...and i'm not worried abt each and every puja for amavasya, pournami etc etc...but the main festivals and how they celebrate atleast that i shud be knowing rite??and reg taking them out for dinner etc we do that reguarly wen we were in India and even after coming to UK we made them visit us and sponsored their europe trip ...i dont think nyone can go far than that....believe me i've done all that i can...

kaluputti...its not that i'm intersted in all traditions and puja...but main things like nomulu which is very important ven that if she not willing to tell me then wat is the point of me being a DIL and she being a MIL...you know for our thalai diwali she was not even in town instead had been with her daughter abroad when there is no real necessity....i dont think a married woman who has a family will shun her responsibilities and be away for important festivals...is it not the time to be here with DIL and make her familiarise with traditions and to carry on it future that nomulu how important it is for ppl who do that only i know...even my mom is a working woman and holds very big position but i've seem how disciplined she does nomulu at home...i cant see the same thing in my in laws family and i dont have the courage to question her as shez much elder to me...its been happening like this every year..last year i requested her to send us the nomu tharaalu(thread) through post for us....she sent only after that...

for a lady who knows to send gifts to her daughter frequently thru posts whos staying in US cant she see the importance of this?? all my realtives they do like that..its an act of remembering..after all she is the head of our family...is it not fo our health and wellbeing we are praying...

the only tradition she speaks is that only parents of sons can stay at sons place and not the daughters parents...that too when my parents were here to visit us...we had invited both our parents at the same time and she had the audacity to utter such nonsense to my parents ...

i really dont want to take the easy route of ignoring people...its not going to take much effort from me...but is there any way to make them realise what they are doing is not righht...moreover i cant imagine how they can be partial between thir own son and daughter...do any of you feel he same way...my in laws are so supportive of their daughter and nything concerned with their daughter and neglect their son...but our parents are not like that thankfully we are daughters and they treat us the same...no partiality at all...

i think i've ranted much...but pls do reply if any of you had getaway with such problems....

thanks and cheers

Dear Ashritha,

Great suggestions by everyone. I agree to the thought expressed by my friends here that don’t take all this to heart. In fact, be happy that your mil is not the other extreme where she is forcing you to follow all the traditions.

One thing that I sensed from your posts is your tendency to compare you and your sil (husband’s sister) and compare your mom and your mil. Please don’t do it. It will only pain you and cause you more heartburn.

Remember that after all your sil is your mil’s daughter and you are a dil. May be many years down the road your relationship with your mil may blossom so beautifully that she may start seeing you as your daughter. But for now that is not the case so do not expect exact same treatment from mil to you and your sil. There will surely be a difference so just accept it.

Secondly, your mom and your mil are two totally different women with their own personalities. So while it is natural that we think very highly of our mom and sometimes compare other women (especially mils) with our mom, try to avoid this comparison as much as possible. It is a futile activity that will create only negative thoughts in your mind and yield negative results. So try very hard not to think, “what would mom have done”. Because no matter what, mom will always emerge the winner J.

So please refrain from both these comparisons.

Now coming to your tradition following part. I have two suggestions for you –

• 1. If your relationship with mil is fairly open and good, one day sit down and tell her openly that you would like to know the family traditions and you feel that you are not getting enough input from her. You’d like her to guide you in more detail than she has been guiding you so far. You’d like her to be more involved in telling you about the main traditions. Tell her your problem clearly but very nicely without sounding like you are accusing her.

• 2. You start your own tradition with whatever knowledge you have, the knowledge you have gained from your mom, by reading etc.

Ashritha, what are traditions after all? Humans like you and me instituted these traditions that we so religiously follow. So you too can start some of your own. Once your mil sees that you are following your own way of doing pooja etc., I am quite sure she will be tempted to advice you on how it should be done, what should be done. There you go, that’s exactly what you want!

We follow traditions, perform pooja for peace of mind, to be able to maintain a happy disposition and to be able to sail smoothly through the ups and downs in life. If these traditions are causing you so much agony and taking away your peace of mind, then you need to re-think if somewhere along the road are you missing the whole purpose of these rituals?

Hope this helps you. You are worrying and making efforts for a good cause. Just remember not to let it turn negative for you.

Good luck.
SS

dear soaring spirit..
thank you very much for your time to reply to my post. I read and re-read your post before replying.
Your reply made me see things which i have ignored, especially the comparing factor. of course you might have had this opinion only after seeing my post.
But i beg to differ on this. When my marriage happened, i entered my in laws house with an open mind. I knew in my heart that my MOm and MIL will never be equal and that i also knew my MIL might have some problem in accepting me as i'm her sons choice and she had to agree.
So my only thought was to foster good relationships with my in laws and make them feel that their sons choice is of course the best. As such we dint have any problems becoz i dint care abt the silly issues which we had....but now after so long...when i think back or see where the relationship is heading its nowhere...all the way the giving has been from my side and nothing from them which definetely made me feel not so welcome in their family..on top of that i sense that my in laws are avoiding us, not only me but their son too to a certain extent. Like they dont tell anything happening in their circle etc etc which of course i dont mind...but sure they do operate on the need to know basis.
well to tell the truth it is my MIL who expects me to treat her on par with my MOM...when she can expect i dont think there is anything wrong in me expecting things from her( this too i'm telling becoz you said that we should not expect them to treat us on par with her daughter) and believe me i've never interfered in their daughters issues watsoever becoz you wont believe me the very next day of my marriage i had an instruction from my MIL that i should not be asking/speaking anything enquired abt her daughter or granddaughter...i was just flabbergasted...becoz my SIL had talked with quite well and i dont know why she told her mom like that abt me...nyway what will i be asking her?? i dont get the point at all...so since this happened the very next day i was double careful not to hurt nyones feeling inspite of me feeling bad and i never made this an issue...but my MIL has the audacity to talk abt my family of course under the hood of politeness.
And soaring spirit i never compare with my SIL becoz shez senior to me and frankly speaking except for exchanging pleasantaries we dont talk much....
my point is being a small family and inspite of all of us being well educated why is it so difficult to get on wel with others without hurting others feeling is my point. In short they make me feel like an outcast...so that my heartache actually...when there are no problems at all why are we interested in creating problems of our own??
coming to tradition part, i cited that as one of the prominent example because it is like an induction program where you get to know more abt the family customs and traditions...of course its all man made...but why we made them not simply for pasttime everything has meaning...i'm not talking abt superstitions here...
and i dont know which part of India you belong to as for us Nombu/Nomulu is the important tradition/custom which is handed down the generations...and its our responsibility to carry on with it...and its the MIL who teach their DILs...
Soaring spirit do you know of the nearly 5 yrs of marriage life not even one festival was celebrated with our family together, my MIL makes it a point to leave the country so watever it mayb...
well this year i'll definetely take ur suggestion of asking her how to follow their traditions( i already did for which she never gave a convincing reply)lets see what happens....
what i wanted to ask was my current realtionship is like when i meet a stanger on the road ask for direction i'm sure to get it but it ends there...and mine is exactly like that...i dont see any enrichment or mutual affection in this relationship and thatz what worries me....hope you got my point...
cheers

Hi all....first of all thanks for all your suggestions....but from the title itself you should understand one point that this is all abt love and relationships and ways to win the love of in laws....

i really dont agree with the fact that we marry just the husbands and not in laws etc etc....finallly its people that do matter than anything else ....if we are not able to nurture gud realtionship with our own close and near and dear ones either side then down the line we might have to stand to as a lone tree which disturbs me mayb others are just fine...
or mayb you all have greater problems you are not able to see the point i'm driving at and everybody seems to hang on the tradition part....which was cited like an example...

i wanted to know if anyone else sails in the same boat as me and the reason for this post....

thanks very much for all your time and suggestions.

cheers

Hi Ashritha,

I can completely understand your problem, I had been through the same thing for 7 years now. My mother-in-law is no more but by the time she realized that she was mean to me it was too late she was on her death bed.

For 7 years I never opened my mouth at all their atrocities only with the fear that I would hurt my husband because of their actions we would always have a fight. Remember one thing the only person that you need to be worried about is your husband, talk to your in-laws only as needed they can never become your parents and never expect that they will treat you like your SIl that will never happen. My husband was just an ATM for them nothing else and they would never even talk to me and ask how I do? I never paid attention to that my duty was to talk to them what is needed and what I need to share I would. they would never miss an opportunity in insulting me Initially I would feel very bad, later I realized only if I let that happen it is happening but then I reduced talking to them and talk only as needed they started feeling ignored and then they were trying to talk to me. My Mil never ever spoke to me about traditions what i did was started following my own asking my mom, Since you are telling that you belong to same caste ask your mom and do pooja they might not be very different. Traditions are just for your peace and happiness.
We use to go to India and my Mil would not even cook for her own son she would say oh there is curds rice do u want to eat, but when my Sil would come she would cook a lot and do such things.
If you want to maintain a relationship with your in-laws and also be happy and not feel depressed, the best thing to do is to talk only that is needed and make them feel u are keeping away and they will start talking to you. If you run behind something that is not under your control it is not going to come to you let it go and see it will come back to you, meanwhile concentrate on your relationship with your husband and strengthen that so that nothing can create rifts between you both. This is based on my personal experience.

-Vidya

Hi All,

True i would also agree with Vidya, Right now i am going thru a very bad phase in my life coz my in-laws behaviour. But they still leave no stone unturned to Hurt me.

i have been a poor victim of back stabbing, in my case my co-sis who used to always keep gossiping abt my mil and would pass all bad remarks over phone is now in Best of Terms with her. I am yet to come out of the shock how people keep changing their faces. My mil to whom i have done more than my own mother doesn't care abt me and is in Hand -in Hand with my co-sis. I feel very depressed at times and feeling totally lost out.

So i would just advice u, that u are not the one alone in this world, Lots of girls are facing this problem, So best way would be to Ignore and divert our mind in Good things. Having said that i know how difficult it is..... but no other go for us.

cheers
vaidehi

Dear Ashirtha,

I totally understand where you are coming from.

As of the comparison part, please don’t get me wrong or take it to heart. I absolutely did not mean to say that you are comparing all the time or that it is a negative trait in you alone. I firmly believe that every human being no matter how strong or practical, when faced with tough situations, does sometimes feel “why me?” or, “why I am being treated unfairly”. So you are absolutely fine.

All I really meant was to caution you to keep a tab on it. I feel if we think negative about some person or some situation repeatedly, it starts getting ingrained as a distinct negative in our mind and over a period of time the negativity just goes on increasing. I think it would be nice if we could keep a neutral attitude towards things if we cannot keep a positive one. Of course, all of us have negative thoughts about people and situations and none of us can claim that we are positive all the time. The key is not to dwell on the negative aspect. Anyway.

As for your desire to have a good relationship with in-laws, again, absolutely nothing wrong in wishing so. In fact, it is very nice that you want such a positive relationship with them. But, all I will say is, you can’t force them to feel the same way you feel.

As dil’s all of us really wish that we were affectionately “inducted” into the family we marry into and quickly become an integral part of our new family. But in real life, more often than not, this does not happen. In some cases it may happen after being married for eons, in some cases it may not happen at all. We have no control over it.

All I will say about this (which also holds true for everything else in life), is that, we must surely desire and wish for things but we must not expect them. If we get what we desire, it should make us very happy. But if our wish does not get fulfilled, we should still be happy knowing that there are other wishes in our life that have been granted and there will be many more that will be fulfilled.

Every wish of ours that gets fulfilled should only add a “very” in front of our happiness. It should not impact the basic happiness in our life at all.

I know this may sound like a pep talk that is just nice to read in print but not practical enough to follow. I agree it is not easy to put it in practice. But it is not impossible either. Once you start putting it in practice you will realize that your happiness really has no bounds.

The best option you have at the moment is what everyone has suggested. Just do your part to the extent that you feel like doing without expecting things to happen as you wish. If you cannot continue to do your part because it makes you feel sad and depressed that your in-laws don’t reciprocate, just stop doing what you are doing for sometime and see how you feel.

Wish you the best in your endeavor.
SS

Originally Posted by Ashritha2008

dear soaring spirit..
thank you very much for your time to reply to my post. I read and re-read your post before replying.
Your reply made me see things which i have ignored, especially the comparing factor. of course you might have had this opinion only after seeing my post.
But i beg to differ on this. When my marriage happened, i entered my in laws house with an open mind. I knew in my heart that my MOm and MIL will never be equal and that i also knew my MIL might have some problem in accepting me as i'm her sons choice and she had to agree.
So my only thought was to foster good relationships with my in laws and make them feel that their sons choice is of course the best. As such we dint have any problems becoz i dint care abt the silly issues which we had....but now after so long...when i think back or see where the relationship is heading its nowhere...all the way the giving has been from my side and nothing from them which definetely made me feel not so welcome in their family..on top of that i sense that my in laws are avoiding us, not only me but their son too to a certain extent. cheers