I am the eldest DIL of a big fly

mithila kannan · Apr 10, 2008

BowI am a senior citizen.Got married in 1970 into a large family as the eldest daughter in law.The fun part was I am the youngest in my family.
My in laws were nice to me in their own way.They expected me to wear the mantle of eldest DIL as soon as the mangal sutra was tied on my neck.On many occasions I was bewildered.
My husband was an understanding,good human being,so it was ok.There were moments when I would be heartbroken,there were harsh words from the eldest to the youngest fly member directed at me.But God gave me the strength to not retaliate and to be patient.My in laws were in cuddalore at that time,I remember waiting to hear the horse drawn cart to stop in front of our house,and see my brother get down from it and to take me home even if it was for a few days.So difficult were those days.Years rolled by,the sisters in law got married,the brothers in law got married and there were new additions to the fly.
After all these years, I turn back and thank God for the patience that he gave me during tough times.I thank him for keeping my tolerance level high,because,now my MIL who is quite old,my SILs and their flies,my BILs and their flies have great regard for me,they love me a lot.There is pleasure in taking care of my MIL.
I have two lovely daughters who are married.When they grew up I never passed on my dislikes and my opinion about my in laws to them.My daughters happened to be my best friends,even today,they are.I took care to tell them about the positive aspects of all my in laws,particularly my SILs .My eldest sil is well known for her hospitality.My second sil is an excellent homemaker and a simple person.My third sil is a disciplined person which trait allowed her to pursue a career and be a good home maker.My fourth sil is a patient person.Dignity of work is her motto in life.My youngest sil is a very affectionate person.Inspite of being Doctorate in her field she is simple ,would carry your shopping bag when you go shopping with her.My daughters have heard about these aspects of my inlaws from me umpteen number of times.
Today my daughters who are hsewives have nothing but goodwill for their athais and chitthappas.They are affectionate to them and this feeling is reciprocated .
I know that after my time there are family members who will give their unadulterated love and affection to my daughters and their kids.I have saved money for them,I may hand over my houses to my daughters and my jewellery.But nothing can equal the goodwill I and my husband have earned and are going to leave behind for them.
You can lead a reasonably comfortable life with little money,but you will be the richest person and the happiest if you enjoy love,affection and respect from your near and dear ones.All it takes to earn them is a little bit of patience,a little bit of tolerance and a little bit of large heartedness with common sense to add flavour.Computer Typing

sundarusha · Apr 10, 2008

Mithila Maam,
:wow:wow

Your patience has really paid off!

Chitvish · Apr 10, 2008

I am the youngest DIL!

Dear Mithila,
You have entered IL with a bang & suddenly, I am feeling lost - your mark here is so awesome.Great Going!!
How can I not share my thoughts or My 2cents with you?
I am the elder daughter & the eldest grandchild on my parental side.
But I am the youngest DIL in my in laws house.
I used to be, lovingly referred to as akka in Madurai, but on getting married, I was just taken for granted, with every member around me, senior to me in age.Leave alone being consulted or asked for an opinion, I would not even be informed if any major decision was taken in the family.
Ofcourse, I learnt to accept it, take it in my stride & ultimately turned it to my advantage. I decided to make my presence felt in the large family with my own progress in all household spheres.
Just like you, I never expressed my personal opinions about the various in-laws to my son & daughter. I wanted them to form their own relationship with Athais, periappas etc which stand in good stead in their lives even today.The are very close to my in-laws & I never have told them how I was treated like a "nobody" in my early days of married life.
After marriage, I had asked my father so many times, how he had the heart to get me married as the youngest member of a big family.He would always say that, the experience should each me valuable life-lessons and that would be the best way I can learn to command attention for the person that I am, but not demand attention for the family seniority, call it position, I hold!
Now, most of the senior members are no more & "by default" my husband is the senior most in our family!!
Love,
Chithra.

latamurali · Apr 10, 2008

Dearmost and respected mythila mam...

I have no words to say except that i would like to BowBowbowdown:bowdown:bowdown...........and it a lesson for youngsters like us.........as u say.......even iam the eldest DIL of a big and tough fly....and eldest daughter of very big orthodox and conservative family............and my BIL AND SIL were edler to me.........i too got understand ing husband........yet to travel miles to win the hearts and reputation of my inlaws.....and to enter in their goodbooks.......

i am undergoing lot of misunderstanding with my inalws...though i want my son to respect them and love them..........i neverever talk anything bad about my inlaws infront of my kid.........i feel it is between elders and kids have nothing to do wtih that.......

I cannot compare me with u people..since i have dont have that much patience.........but i have neverever used any harsh words or talk back against my inlaws..........at any situation..but i will pour all my feelings only to my hubby and yell only him RantRantRant for everything........endresutl he wil ask me to adjust and be patince.and he cant expect anything from his own parents and brothers........ and even my amma used to say......OUKATHU MANUSHANAN MUNNA PINNA DHAN ERUPPA......THIS IS NOT ONLY FOR U.........so u only have to adjust.........dont come here with any complaints about them......

and my father's one and only adivce to me is: ur DH is ur FIL'S SON FIRST.then only UR DH".mind it and act according to that......... will neverever support u for any issues......"......

And really mam....iam following vertain rules......al these 10 yrs of married life...........used to pour my unconditional love towards them..and do my duty as DIL AND MANNI....but yet to tner in their goodbooks........

And, i also understood the success behind ur victory is PATIENCE........let me try to be more patience..........

Thank u mam.........

purnima_2k · Apr 10, 2008

Hi Mithila!

First of all a great thank you for sharing your bitter/better experiences with us. The trend now has changed so much to the extent that having a widowed mother by a couple in her "prime old age" is looked upon as a joint family and as a great 'sacrifice' made by the couple in looking after the lady! It is hard and unimaginable to think as to how so many members with different views and opinions shared the same roof at some point in time.

I am proud to say that both my MIL as well as my mom have been in proper joint families and have had their share of "woes" too. But both of them are gems in their own way. I dont know if I would have been able to withstand even 1% of the torchers that they have been through all their lives, but they have emerged -- not as bitter people but as mature , adults with perseverence in abundance whom the next generation, us, look upto with great admiration and respect!

Thanks Mithila, when people like you share such experiences, we youngsters get the complete benefit of learning the concept of 'life'.

Great going Mithila!

Regards,
Purnima

Mindian · Apr 10, 2008

dear mithila mam,

only today i knew u were a senior citizen hence the mam...till yesterday i addressed u as mithila and enjoyed all your posts...tho i am the only dil sometimes i long to be part of a big family especially when i hear from preople like u and chithra mam....i agree with u that at the end of the day family is the most imp thing in life and so come out with more happy stories from your big family

mindi

SoaringSpirit · Apr 10, 2008

My dearest Mithila and Chithra,

I am addressing both of you at the same time because I want to say the same thing to you both!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU and a BIG THANK YOU for sharing your wonderful, loving and lot-to-be-learnt-from experiences as DILs. I cannot help but have deep admiration and extremely high regard for your compassionate ways to live in a big family lovingly, and patiently work the relationship towards such a strong and healthy one. I really wish and hope that our generation and the generations to come learn at least a few things from you.

Even if we can imbibe and inculcate a fourth of what you did, I think we will be so much more happy and content than what we are today.

I, and I know most of us at IL, look up to you for guidance, inspiration and also criticism when required!

Loved you sharing your success stories. For our advantage, please keep them coming from time to time. We need them so bad! I feel like hugging you both real tight!

A big salute to you both from me.

SS

Bhooma · Apr 10, 2008

Mithila and Chitra

we need more people like you .. who by their posts can change the way youngsters these days look at families !!

Thanks so much for sharing ...

Bowto both of you .

cheers

Bhooma

Arunarc · Apr 10, 2008

Dear Mithila and Chitra
So well written one being youngest and later became eldest and the other eldest and then being youngest. Each one of you have gone through different experiences.
I am eldest in both the places. In inlaws place I am not asked much or my opinions are not so important it might be becoz I am not staying with them for a long time. But when we are in town being eldest sometimes you feel the younger SIL ask me something or the other, or when I am available my MIL take my opinion before doing something but this doesn't happen right in front of me she will ask the younger DILs opinions but never even make a point to listen to what I have to say.......Initially ya use to feel bad about it and even speak about it to my DH he use to just tell u are not staying here na so she might not be asking you so just forget about it. Ya when help needed My God I am the sweetiest DIL of all especially finacially. I really feel how people change colours and I use to pin point this too to my DH ya not to my kid, becoz I always want him to have respect today all the people so will never discuss these matters in front of him.
This MIL and DIL is always like a big Question to me.................
Why people judge each other by status or relations why can't they just be good human beings?????????
Just waiting for a day everything will be fine..................
I am always wanted among all my friends which i feel happy about it and feel proud of them all, as they are always there for me, but when it comes to relatives........hmmmmmmmm
no idea I feel I am not wanted there.............I feel is being eldest a curse??????
So now a days I don't care much about relatives take it as it comes...........
I thank God I have wonderful DH and DS and my world of friends which I am happy with them. and whom I care about, more then anything in this world.

honeybee · Apr 10, 2008

Dear Mithila mam
I was overwhelmed reading your post.
The patience which you, the current senior citizens (I have not taken into account your age here in IL.. that's endrum pathinaaru!Big Laugh) exhibited in your youth is amazing.

The same was the case with my mom and MIL.Both being the only DILs in the respective families, they had a very important role to play.. afterall the family's peace and dignity rested in their hands.My MIL is patience personified.. dealing till date with her demanding bedridden MIL.

Today.. as Purnima2k mentioned ,caring for one extra person has become a burden.
We youngsters need to inculcate patience to handle rough and tough situations calmly..
Alternatively, today the financial independence enjoyed by women has made them more authoritative.My 2cents They rate their personal freedom higher compared to dealing with demanding inlaws.Times are changing..:coffee

Regards
Honeybee