keeping il;'s happy

hi ladies, soaring spirt, Kavya and all others i would love some suggestions, today my husb and i had a BIG arguement....my mil wants us to attend a family function (my husb's aunts birthday), but this aunt has said terrible things about me(like she is sorry that i am married into this family)....how do i go to a party for this aunt?? my mil/fil and even my husb say that the reason this aunt says this about me is that i have not been a good dil, my husb says i deserve all this from his family....and my mil is forcing me to go....i told my husb he should go, i really can;t , but he had a big arguement..what should i do, any thoughts?
i know that my husb will NEVER support me, he defends his entire family, even their family pet is better than me, pls help me see the right way.

Originally Posted by sashie

hi ladies, soaring spirt, Kavya and all others i would love some suggestions, today my husb and i had a BIG arguement....my mil wants us to attend a family function (my husb's aunts birthday), but this aunt has said terrible things about me(like she is sorry that i am married into this family)....how do i go to a party for this aunt?? my mil/fil and even my husb say that the reason this aunt says this about me is that i have not been a good dil, my husb says i deserve all this from his family....and my mil is forcing me to go....i told my husb he should go, i really can;t , but he had a big arguement..what should i do, any thoughts?
i know that my husb will NEVER support me, he defends his entire family, even their family pet is better than me, pls help me see the right way.

Please do not go.It makes no sense to wish a person who wishes bad about you.As for husbands defending their family ,its the same everywhere.My husband will do the same even though his family wishes he divorces me and his shud never succeed in his career.There is no use trying to convince husbands. Its a losing battle.
Coming to keeping in laws happy ,Its again a 0.001% who will have happy in laws.

My quick first response on reading your post would be to advice you not to go . As Chocolate said why should you go wish someone who wishes bad for you. But then having said that, I also read all your previous posts. I agree that your in-laws have not been nice to you and your husband also has not supported you in this aspect. If you are really looking to turn things around and win the love of your husband, you can try this: Tell your DH that you personally would not like to go to this aunt's party since she has bad-mouthed you. Tell him that it hurts your self-esteem and affects you. Ask him to put himself in your position..inspite of that if he thinks you should go, maybe you can try going this one time in the hopes that your husband realises that you are doing this for him! If you feel that your DH is not the type who will understand these kind of sacrifices and will still blame you for everything - then don't go. No point in torturing yourself mentally. Don't beat yourself up.

Dear Sashie,

At the outset, let me warn you that this is going to be a long reply! J

I can understand your predicament. On one hand you really have no desire to attend the party but on the other hand you do not want to give your husband another reason to increase his negativity towards you.

If you were already at a breaking point where you did not care which way your relationship with husband went, I would’ve suggested you don’t go to the party. But, since you want to make this marriage a happy one, I think you’d have to be more diplomatic than plain straightforward all the time.

Hopeforgood mentioned a very pertinent and crucial point. Next time when things such as this (party, visiting a relative etc.) arise, maintain an open stand. Don’t say yeah or nay strongly. Not immediately at least. Give yourself some time to evaluate the pros and cons of you going or not going there. This is what I mean by being diplomatic. Next time you are faced with such a situation, buy yourself some time by giving an open-ended answer. Think over the pros and cons (or discuss here at IL) and then tell hubby what your stand is.

For now, I will go with CarpeDiem’s second suggestion. Attend the party.

Sashie, truly speaking, in all of this we can blame the in-laws and the relatives all we want but the truth is people say things to us because they know that our husband is not on our side. If they thought that your husband would not like to hear negative remarks about you, they would not dare to open their mouth. So my belief in all of this is that husband is the real person that we must first mend our relationship with. No point in fighting with everyone else when your husband is not on your side. So the whole focus should be to get your husband on your side. Once you get that, more than half your battle is won. Others will automatically fall in line. Also, ultimately you are going to live with him and your relationship with him is really that matters in your life.

To bring husband on your side, one thing is true whether we like it or not - we have to accept him as a package that comes with in-laws and other relatives that are dear to him. Fighting them is useless right now when your husband himself is against you. It will only create more bad blood between you and hubby.

Of course, never ever let anyone run you over. The mantra is to be diplomatic and smart when faced with people whose stooping standards you cannot match. Think of it as any other problem in life that you need to resolve and overcome. If they are bad to you think about how to deal with them directly. Don’t get hubby involved.

I have noticed many times mils will pass negative remarks when the son is not around. My take on this is that the dil should also speak her mind directly to the mil, only when the son is not around. Do not discuss with your husband neither bring up the topic in front of him. Adopt the same path your mil takes. It will keep things simple. If she likes to tell her son negative things about you then you must at least say your side to your husband too. Otherwise he gets to hear only one side of the story. No need to say negative things about the mil but sure speak up for yourself and explain your side.

Anyway. I am digressing from the main point here!

Coming back to attending the party. Remember to do the following -

• 1. Like Hopeforgood suggested, tell your husband in a few words that you are willing to move over and beyond all the things that have happened. Although the past incidents have left a bad taste in your mouth, you are willing to give it a try to move on. After all, if they matter to him so much then you will take the first step towards rebuilding this relationship. The point here is to maintain a higher ground.

If your husband starts accusing that it is all because of you that they behaved bad etc, just tell him that in any situation all the people involved have a role to play in both the negative and positives that happen. So it is unfair to give the credit or the blame to just one person. So tell him that in your mind you will never accept 100% blame for things that went wrong just as you would not take 100% credit for things that went good. Don’t get upset or lose your cool or explain much. Just say these few sentences and keep quiet.

• 2. Plan ahead on how you are going to behave and react when you go to the party. First thing to remember is that you are NOT making a sacrifice by going there. You are going to the party because there is something in it for you. It is going to help you get one step closer to your goal of mending the relationship between hubby and you. Neither are you going there to please his aunt or fan her ego. So if she tries to put you down or incite you, don’t fall for it. Your goal is not to prove or disprove anything to her. So whatever she says or does should not matter to you.

One thing that I like to suggest here is this. If you cannot bear to hear the negativity and you do not have the option of answering back at that time, just leave that place on some pretext. No matter how flimsy the excuse may be. You could excuse yourself saying your kid is hungry or thirsty and go towards the food area. Or say you have to use the restroom. Or look for someone you want to talk to and excuse yourself to say hello to them. The point is not to stand there and soak yourself in all the negativity that someone is giving you. Because, if you are not in a position to retort you will hold on to it and later make yourself miserable. Or worse, you will vent it out on your husband. Don’t do it. Avoid, avoid and avoid at all costs if you cannot face it directly at that time.
So the gist is, at no point should you get upset or lose your cool. And do not carry any negativity from the party back home. Otherwise this whole act of taking one positive step towards your husband will turn into many steps backwards. So remember to not let anyone spoil this for you.

All said and done, if your gut feeling says you should not go, listen to your gut. You can never go wrong by listening to your gut.

A parting thought - any decision you take make sure it has some positives for you. Don’t take a decision just because you want to take revenge for their bad behavior or out of ego or just out of frustration. I totally agree that all of these aspects are there in all of us. None of us can claim to say that we are egoless all the time or that we never mean revenge but in the end these so-called dark aspects should provide us with something positive. If they don’t provide anything positive then they are better kept at bay.

Good luck in your decision-making. Whatever decision you take just be easy on yourself and don’t let your mental peace get disturbed too much. You owe this to yourself.

SS

Hi Sashie

I understand what u are going through.....my husbands aunt the first time i went to her house she didnt even talk to me and the rest of the family talk about me anyway but i guess it dosen't make me like that just cause they talk like that...u wil never make them happy happy no matter what u do as they will always have something to moan about....
i would proabably be the same as u and would not want to attend but i guess if u dont then ur husband will fight with u more...i dont understand ur husband can he not see right from wrong? ok he does not speak up but even to you how can he say that u deserve all u get...i would be damn upset if my husband said that to me.
I think maybe just go there and be ur normal self and if anyone says anything to you dont be afraid to speak up cause thats what i do now...at first i used to take it and my husband also never speaks up so i started openeing my mouth and telling them what i thought and now they think 10 time before they say anything to me...
If u got no support from anyone then i guess u have to start speaking up for urself or else no one else is going to and u will always end up getting upset....now i feel so much better that i am not a walkover and have become more confident in dealing with them.

Good luck and let us know how it goes

Hi Sashie,

Sorry for the delay in responding. I was thinking about a solution for your problem. My first response would be to tell you not to go I completely agree with CarpeDiem's response. Don't try to go out of the way to please your in-laws. We are not born with the supreme goal of life of being an ideal DIL If we learn to be a good person everything else will fall into place. So take the decision that you will be most comfortable with.

Thanks,
Kavya.

thank you ladies!!!!! i really appreciate your responses, and the time you take out to write to me!! i feel so much better, i know that i am not wrong to feel uncomfortable if i go to the party....for now my husb and i have decided that we will wait and see, if work permits we will go, i will put on my most brave face and not act childish or rude, as these people have done to me.....It s true people ( my il's and their family)poke holes in my marriage because they know my husb will support them till the end of time, and thats the sad part...i know i cannot change my husb, i can only change me!! Thanks again Ladies, sonu i hope you are feeling ok! I;ve tried to email you and kavya, but i can;t with all of these changes in the website......
sash

Originally Posted by sashie

hi ladies, soaring spirt, Kavya and all others i would love some suggestions, today my husb and i had a BIG arguement....my mil wants us to attend a family function (my husb's aunts birthday), but this aunt has said terrible things about me(like she is sorry that i am married into this family)....how do i go to a party for this aunt?? my mil/fil and even my husb say that the reason this aunt says this about me is that i have not been a good dil, my husb says i deserve all this from his family....and my mil is forcing me to go....i told my husb he should go, i really can;t , but he had a big arguement..what should i do, any thoughts?
i know that my husb will NEVER support me, he defends his entire family, even their family pet is better than me, pls help me see the right way.

Hi Sashie

I m really sorry to note yr situation.
I donot understand why gents wil think that their wives are banisalu(Servants). Now the world is changing. All r eaual. If he thinks that w/out he u cannot live it is vice versa. W/out you he also cannot live.
What is marriage? Two people live together while sharing their views understanding each other when joy/sorrow/difficult situations and also happy occasions.
I do not when men ( Ofcourse not all) wil understand this?
First husband shd understand his wife, and shd give full support, then only his parents wil understad. But one day wil come they wil understand u, hv patience. V r all with u, share yr feelings with us.

M S Lakshmi

Hello Lakshmi Maam,
I wish most of the MILs were like you, there would be a happy life/atmosphere in the family.
Your DILs seems to be lucky.

Regards.

Originally Posted by mslakshmi

Hi Sashie

I m really sorry to note yr situation.
I donot understand why gents wil think that their wives are banisalu(Servants). Now the world is changing. All r eaual. If he thinks that w/out he u cannot live it is vice versa. W/out you he also cannot live.
What is marriage? Two people live together while sharing their views understanding each other when joy/sorrow/difficult situations and also happy occasions.
I do not when men ( Ofcourse not all) wil understand this?
First husband shd understand his wife, and shd give full support, then only his parents wil understad. But one day wil come they wil understand u, hv patience. V r all with u, share yr feelings with us.

M S Lakshmi

hi Lakshmi, and Pun, thanks for your Support, i really appreciate the help i get here, i wish there were more people like all of you in the world! the world would be so much happier, if we understood, rather than judged everyone....thanks again.
sash