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How to politely put your foot down in front of in-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by persecutedDIL, Oct 7, 2013.

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Oct 7, 2013 #1
persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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I have been posting threads to get more ideas and suggestions on how to deal with nosy, complaining and toxic in laws but haven't received enough specific suggestions.

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/233775-how-play-smart-game-laws.html

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/230437-how-get-rid-nosy-complaining.html

What I have understood is that the solution is to draw boundaries with MIL and FIL and tell them politely to not cross the line.
Specifically I want help on these:
1.) To ask them not to call me on phone all the time nor keep asking me how I am spending my time with my hubby
2.) To tell my MIL not to ask personal questions about my relationship with my Hubby
3.) To tell them that we don't have a money tree in our backyard and that we can't fulfil their materialistic ambitions
4.) To tell them that I and my hubby have our own family unit of which they are not the core part but rather a dispensable part
5.) To tell them that all our festivals will not be celebrated with them but sometimes with my birth family too and sometimes only with me and my hubby and no relatives
6.) To tell them that my parents will have an equal right to come over our house as them

What is THAT polite but firm way to drive home my points to the ILs ?

persecutedDIL, Oct 7, 2013

persecutedDIL, Oct 7, 2013

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Oct 7, 2013 #2

nitasen3 Silver IL'ite

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Just politely tell them the six points u have noted. Once they know what you want they will politely draw their boundaries......You don't have to draw the boundary for them.....You just put up the iron fences once the boundary is defined....All the best

nitasen3, Oct 7, 2013

nitasen3, Oct 7, 2013

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Oct 8, 2013 #3

monita Platinum IL'ite

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persecutedDIL said: ↑

What I have understood is that the solution is to draw boundaries with MIL and FIL and tell them politely to not cross the line.You can't. I haven't read your other threads, so I don't know much about your ILs. But if the ILs are nice people, they will not interfere too much and if they are the cunning controlling types, you can not stop them by telling them to mind their own business, however politely you try. So, just do your own thing. Be a bit vague in whatever you say. You don't have to give them all the information about your life.
Specifically I want help on these:
1.) To ask them not to call me on phone all the time nor keep asking me how I am spending my time with my hubby. If you don't want to take their call, tell them you are busy and will call back soon, or fix a time when you think you would want to talk with them. About the questions, just give some vague answer, try to just show that your life is quite boring.
2.) To tell my MIL not to ask personal questions about my relationship with my Hubby. You can't stop her from asking.Again just be vague. Just say, everything is alright and just keep saying it no matter how many times and in how many different ways she asks. She would eventually give up.
3.) To tell them that we don't have a money tree in our backyard and that we can't fulfil their materialistic ambitions. Just listen to the demands and say OK and keep saying it. Buy only things that you can and ignore the rest.
4.) To tell them that I and my hubby have our own family unit of which they are not the core part but rather a dispensable part. You don't have to give all the personal information, just tell them bits to make them happy and things you think might be relevant to them.
5.) To tell them that all our festivals will not be celebrated with them but sometimes with my birth family too and sometimes only with me and my hubby and no relatives. When you want to celebrate a festival with your side of family, just do it, no need to ask them or tell them.
6.) To tell them that my parents will have an equal right to come over our house as them. No need to tell them. Why do you think they have a right to know?

What is THAT polite but firm way to drive home my points to the ILs ?
Click to expand...

Hope that helps.

monita, Oct 8, 2013

monita, Oct 8, 2013

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Oct 8, 2013 #4

tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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Op, you are just like me. Very straight forward. You must learn to do things cleverly. If you call a spade a spade, you are inviting trouble.

Telling them all that directly will lead to too much drama. Their sense of insecurity will flare up and the fire will destroy your marriage.

For your questions, this is how you should handle them

1. Don't pick up the phone. Call them back when you want to talk (this can be once a week or even once in 10 days). Apologize, tell them how you were going to call them back n something or the other work comes up. Tell them you didn't want to speak to them in a hurry so it took sometime to find free time

2. Vague answers. Do you work op? I give my inlaws the impression that we lead very separate lives because of our work commitments. That makes my mil very content...if you live abroad, tell them how busy your weekends are with cooking, cleaning etc

tulipzz, Oct 8, 2013

tulipzz, Oct 8, 2013

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Oct 8, 2013 #5

tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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3. When you call, crib about how expensive everything has become in the US and how your cost of living went up but still your salaries remain the same. If your husband is supportive, you can even tell them that you lost your job and found another one but the new one pays very less. A clever way to get dh to say no to their demands is: don't let dh have spare cash lying around. Put it in fixed term investments. Dream big dreams with him and save towards it.

4. You don't have to tell them this! You do what you want to. Why do you want to say this to them? Hands itching for a big fight??

5. Again, you don't have to say this. When you want to celebrate a festival with your parents, tell inlaws politely tht your parents are coming this time.

6. Again, why do you want to say this? Itching for a fight?

Op, I've come a long way from being what u are. I can TOTALLY understand why you feel like saying all that. That's not the correct way to handle things. It's not good for your relationship with your husband...it's not good for your own mental peace.

You MUST learn how to sweet talk. Sweet talk, vague answers, blank stares and being deaf and dumb - these are the keys to peaceful marriage.

There are some women who mastered the art of vague answers and blank stares. I will leave it to them to give you more Gyan on this subject...

tulipzz, Oct 8, 2013

tulipzz, Oct 8, 2013

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Oct 8, 2013 #6

simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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If they call you when you are busy, do not pick up the call. Then return the call and tell them you will call them over the week-end.

What personal questions do they ask? Ask them to ask their son and you cant give answers.

When they ask your husband for money, you both decide whether to give or not and let your husband convey the decision to his parents. F

For festivals, simple go and visit your family. When questions come up later, simply tell them you planned ahead. When questions come up before, tell them plan is already set.

Invite your family to stay with you. Do your in-laws ask you why your parents are here? Tell them they are here to visit you since you are not getting time to go there.

simpleMom, Oct 8, 2013

simpleMom, Oct 8, 2013

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Oct 8, 2013 #7

greenbow Gold IL'ite

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persecutedDIL said: ↑

1.) To ask them not to call me on phone all the time nor keep asking me how I am spending my time with my hubby
2.) To tell my MIL not to ask personal questions about my relationship with my Hubby
3.) To tell them that we don't have a money tree in our backyard and that we can't fulfil their materialistic ambitions
4.) To tell them that I and my hubby have our own family unit of which they are not the core part but rather a dispensable part
5.) To tell them that all our festivals will not be celebrated with them but sometimes with my birth family too and sometimes only with me and my hubby and no relatives
6.) To tell them that my parents will have an equal right to come over our house as them

What is THAT polite but firm way to drive home my points to the ILs ?
Click to expand...

Actions speak louder than words.
1. If you are busy, dont pick up their calls, call them at your leisure.
2. Avoid personal Qs with a smile or change the topic.
3. Dont buy everything they ask for, just do what u can.
4. You dont have to spell this out.
5. Celebrate some festivals at your parents house and some at yours.
6. Invite your parents to your house.

greenbow, Oct 8, 2013

greenbow, Oct 8, 2013

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Oct 8, 2013 #8

Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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Ok ..... This is how ....

Just to cheer you up OP, not otherwise.

Regarding the issue, I agree with Tulipzz's points.

Metamorphic, Oct 8, 2013

Metamorphic, Oct 8, 2013

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Oct 8, 2013 #9

persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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To start with, my ILs are controlling complaining crying types, always whining, not sure how cunning, though my MIL is shrewd and cunning.

1.) To ask them not to call me on phone all the time nor keep asking me how I am spending my time with my hubby. If you don't want to take their call, tell them you are busy and will call back soon, or fix a time when you think you would want to talk with them. About the questions, just give some vague answer, try to just show that your life is quite boring. Yes, vagueness is the key. I have started doing this. But whenever I answer their call, my mood gets upset in a minute because it takes only a minute for them to show how selfish and demanding they are. Their calls are always about demands whether materialistic or emotional!

2.) To tell my MIL not to ask personal questions about my relationship with my Hubby. You can't stop her from asking.Again just be vague. Just say, everything is alright and just keep saying it no matter how many times and in how many different ways she asks. She would eventually give up. So far she hasn't given up. Keeps pestering me for kid and even asks objectionable questions pertaining to our sexual life in roundabout words that too with authority. 'He's my son, I have a right to know!' How to deal with that other than cutting off contact particularly with her ?

3.) To tell them that we don't have a money tree in our backyard and that we can't fulfil their materialistic ambitions. Just listen to the demands and say OK and keep saying it. Buy only things that you can and ignore the rest. Ok, started doing this but then my husband is a mollycoddled son who believes the only reason he earns is to take care of his parents' needs (read luxuries). He's buying them a new house. My hubby isn't at all cooperative, what to do !

4.) To tell them that I and my hubby have our own family unit of which they are not the core part but rather a dispensable part. You don't have to give all the personal information, just tell them bits to make them happy and things you think might be relevant to them. Like what ? Please give some example. Even when we travelled abroad for honeymooning on special occasions in past, my DH would promptly call and update them and once when he didn't, his father shouted at him. I told my DH, when i am honeymooning I dont wanna speak to them.

5.) To tell them that all our festivals will not be celebrated with them but sometimes with my birth family too and sometimes only with me and my hubby and no relatives. When you want to celebrate a festival with your side of family, just do it, no need to ask them or tell them. Yes, that's what I'd like to do. But first of all my MIL questions me with audacity why didn't you tell this to me before. Secondly, all his relatives, not just MIL/FIL, keep inviting us every time for every festival. What to do ? For them, festival means, it is our duty to give attendance in their royal court!

6.) To tell them that my parents will have an equal right to come over our house as them. No need to tell them. Why do you think they have a right to know? Yes, I don't care to tell them but at times my MIL fights with me on this. You should have told me. FIL says, if you told us we would have come to meet your parents...eeks!

I have a real twisted and toxic in-laws!

persecutedDIL, Oct 8, 2013

persecutedDIL, Oct 8, 2013

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Oct 8, 2013 #10

aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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persecutedDIL said: ↑

Ok, started doing this but then my husband is a mollycoddled son who believes the only reason he earns is to take care of his parents' needs (read luxuries)...My hubby isn't at all cooperative, what to do !

Click to expand...

This then is the crux of your problem, isn't it? Wives may draw any number of boundaries, but those won't hold if the husbands are stepping over voluntarily!! Think of the Lakshman Rekha breaking coz Sita stepped over it herself ;-)

If you'd like to show your in-laws that you and your husband are one family unit, then this should be understood, and demonstrated by him. As long as he feels he's still mamma's LO, you would be the auxiliary unit - and things would remain pretty much the way they are now.
Mind though, this might take time...It took me years to convince my husband that my children and I are his family; and that taking up responsibility for our happiness does not automatically infringe on his devotion to his parents

I'm afraid I haven't read your other threads...so if you've tried working on your DH, and still feel he's never going to support you, then it's definitely time for a bit of subterfuge - as Tulip has said
"vague ways and blank stares" is the best way out...

aniShekar, Oct 8, 2013

aniShekar, Oct 8, 2013

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