Dying in a combined family

Hi,
I am new to this site, and now I know that i am not the only one who is suffering..
I want some one to help me find an answer to my present situation. I'm currently living in UAE. I have a son who is 2 year old.
Now my problem... My husband, me and our child lives in a combined family consisting of my mother in law, my husband's brother , his wife , his two children aged 3 and 1.
Right now my co sister is in India, and she gave birth to the 3rd child last week. She will come back in June.
Both my husband and his brother are real mamma's boys. But my husband is a bit too attached to her, being the eldest. Can you imagine? He forced her to come with us whereever we went from the very next day of our wedding. Actually my father in law passed away 2 months before our wedding, so I admit that she was a bit lonley.
My husband was in India for on 23 days after the wedding, after which he left me behind till i got my visa after 9 months. Imagine 23 days going around with my MIL to park, cinema, relatives house and all. This same thing happened to my co sister also, as their wedding was 2 months after mine. Bro in law was in India for 18 days and she used to go with them all 18 days.
For the past 2 years we were all been staying together, right now since co sister is in India with the children, my husband, MIL and BIL stays with us.
For the past 2 years me and my husband never had any private time for ourselves. Wherever we go all of us used to go together.
Actually i feel it is myhusbands fault, because whenever we get ready to go out, he will invite "Mummy darling " to come out and she is just waiting for him to call her. I am not saying that she has to sit at home all the time so that i can roam around with my husband. But going out together all the time???
Moreover my husband sits in front of the TV in the sitting room as soon as he comes home and doesn't come to sleep till 12 o clock .
I recently started working 2 months back, so I sleep off by 12 o clock. So in short we never get a chance to have any sort of "husband and wife" time.

Living in a combined family is a real hell. Imagine my kid and my co sister's kids. They fight with each other and for that also there will be tension. Living in a combined family is OK in India where you have big houses and courtyard and stuff, but in UAE, in a house which has just 2 bedrooms and all these kids???
Also have you ever heard not having problems in combined family.
I started working 2 months back, after a long break of 2 years to be with my baby. Before he was born my husband and I lived alone, his brother and family in another house and MIL in India. At that time my husband used to help me with all house work because I was working. But now, he refuses to help me. I feel he wants to show his Ma and Bro that he is not hen pecked.. But he and his bro will make a big fuss if MIL does any house work. I send my 2 year old child to nursery till 2 pm so that MIL can rest. She has to look after him only for 5 hours. She won’t let me keep a maid also saying that “ I am sitting at home the whole day, so no need of maid”. Some one please tell me how I will manage the house work and my baby’s requirements after I reach home at 7pm? I get maximum of 4 hours a day to spend with my baby and that time too I can’t give him proper attention because of the house work.

In June my co sister will come back with the 3 kids aged 3, 1.5 and 3 months and then life will be pure hell. I have spoken to my husband that I will not live like this forever, but he insists that he will not move. I have decided that I will take this no more . I will go to India with my son , find a job there and look after him. If my husband wants to choose his mother and brother over his wife and child, then let him do that.
Somebody please tell me, if I am being selfish. I just need some space to live. Just because I got married to this man, should i face all this?
It is quite natural that sons leave the house once they are married. I am not telling to abandon his mother, i just want to move away from his brohter's family so that in future also we will have a chance to be good with each other. If we stay together , then that will also go.

Please advise

hi smiriti,

why dont u talk to ur co-sister , she may too, with three kids now, will be facing the same situation like urs?

regards,
riya

Dear Smriti,
yours is the case in many Indian homes. My hubby was a mamma's boy, inlaws would not even let me talk to him- on daily basis. I bore with all that in the hope that ultimately one day my hubby would understand. But even after 20 years, he is the same- selfish, self centered and not understanding. I feel that my life has been wasted in adjusting with him and his family, I would have been better off without him.
Only very few people change and understand their wives' love. So decide for yourself which way you want to live. But remember, there is only one life to live.

hi Smriti,Even i am having the same problem like you.I didnt even go for my honeymoon , just imagine my case, On Sundays suppose if my hubby plans to go anywhere he will tell his parents to come with us.And just because he is a single shild his parents wont leave us alone.Mine is an arranged match some times I feel so pathetic.Nowdays when I see newly wed couples going for a honeymoon ,i dont know I become so jealous.Why dont the in laws try to understand that sometimes they should leave their son alone,
Sailing in the same boat like you yaar.
Please senoirs give us some Idea

rums5577

Dear all, thank you for ur support.
Riya, I have to tell you that my co -sister will not cooperate with me in this. First of all their's is a love marriage, so she doesn't want anyone to prove that anything is wrong with her and her husband. Actually she is more miserable than me, with 2 kids (3 now) and a grown up mamma;s boy.But she won't initate any action to have a seprate home from her side. She just wants to act as though she is happy. I don't blame her either. With 3 kids, she has to please her husband in anyway she can.
So , ultimately the decision lies on me, to become the black sheep of the family and demand a change.
Please give me your support.
Smriti

Hi Smriti,

I was in somewhat similar situation like yours...but not this bad as no privacy and all that. Except that hubby's brother was dominant and his wife was not helping in household chores. When we got our baby, we indicated them that its going to be difficult and its better they move to their own house. Ofcourse hubby had seen everything and realized that I wasn't making up stories! Though they did not like it initially, they moved out...and now we live with our inlaws. We definitely have our space now! You have to make your hubby understand..in a nice way! You can probably go to India temporarily with your son on some pretext, which would help your hubby understand your importance in his life. My 2 cents :)

take care,
Hema

hi smriti,

it happens in most of the Indian houses. i think, Hema had given you a good suggestion.

reading your status of mind, situation and your in-laws - the best option for you to come out of the frustration first is talking to your husband in a very nice manner.

you need to be skillful in making him understand your mind. do not use harsh words against him like you are a mom boy. make him understand that you value his feelings and at the same time he needs to understand your feelings.

make him realize that he is also missing a "mutual joy" of a married life. make him realize that wife is also a wonderful part of his life like his mother.

don't ever use words that are against your MIL, BIL and Co-sister.

the only way to draw your husband towards you is your "love, affection and care". i have given the best way ever possible. rest all lies in your hand and it applies to other ilites who have replied here too.

wish you all the success.

Hey smriti,

hmm.. I understand your frustrations. Coming back from work and no help whatsoever in a crowded family will just eat you.. I agree.. My suggestion is that be awake one night and talk to him passionately. I guess thats the time you can talk to him privately in person ;) Tell him, its time we go ahead with our family and amma (yeah, put that... he shouldnt feel that you want to rip him off from his family. Let her come and then we can decide about that later.. may be being alone.. she can with help you out.. I dont know about your MIL so just guessing. Anyways, since you had mentioned hes mama boy, thats the magic card for you. Take her along ;) ). You need to take the knots one by one, dear, unfortunately. The primary shud be your BIL and his family. BTW, any reason why they joined you. I read in your post, you and your husband where alone initially and then your BIL joined.. Any specific reason like you guys financially helping etc? So talk to him, that you and also him had to spend more time with your kid and now its out of bounds.

Dont break it out now that you will leave to India or anything like that yet. Try the above card and see how it plays.... dont pressure him.. just try to talk to him emotinally that how much you miss him and how you want to spend time with him and all.. Give me some time and then we can plan on the next time...

Dont over complicate the situation by pouring everything out.. Then as you said.. you will be the black sheep in the family.. :( so you got to play safe too.. like your co sister.. but still make sure everything happens your way.

Dear all,
I'm overwhelmed by the support you guys are giving me.. I wish i had found IndusLadies earlier. It would have made my life much easier and saved me from taking anit depressant tablets. ( off course they were harmful homeo ones as my son was breast feeding).
Nandhu, after i gave birth to my son, i decided that i won't work for sometime becasue i had conceived him after a lot of hardships and didn't feel like leaving him. Life in UAE is not very easy without both of us working, so to cut down cost my DH and BIL decided that we will stay together and share the rent etc. Soon MIL joined as she was alone in India.
But now i am earning too.Now they esp. my MIL is enjoying the life with her 2 sons.
According to her she never experienced happiness when she was with her husband. He used to go and play cards in other friends and relatives house, so most of the time she was alone with the sons and even now, this continues. The threesome are very comfortable with themselves... But my FIL was a good man, I know it because we were family friends before the wedding.
My husband used to hate his Dad because, according to him, his father used to make his mother cry. Some times my MIL proudly says this fact to me...
So this mother fixation was there from the beginning, why else do you think my husband took her with us on all the 23 days of our honeymoon? So talking to him and reasoning is not going to work out as he listens to MIL and his younger brother.
My BIL is very dominating. I won't say that he interferes in our private life, but he wants everything in his own way. Even now he instructs my DH about driving and eating and dressing up.I know he does it out of love, but my husband is a grown up man.
I would never say that my MIL is cruel or bad. She never had any dowry problems , she doens't mind me wearing what i like and all. But why do i have to live with my BIL? The main reason of staying togehter is now gone. I am earning too.
Please help....
Smriti

Dear lady, then I think most of your solutions is working your way.. you MIL is not that dominating on you and its just the joint family with such a BIL you are being suffocated, right? I don't think it will bad to talk to your hubby about that.. as I said in my earlier post.. his mom is still with him only.. you are not asking for living a separate life without anyone..

Explain to him that now you are working... there are 2 incomes.. amma will be there to look after us, now with so much expenses, I guess, we need to start saving for our life in future..

I dont know about your BIL........is your co sister working too? if not, then hes really smart.. coz.. there are 3 kids and a wife that he had to manage independently.. and yours is a nuclear family.. just one kid but 2 incomes and he will make sure not to loose that ;)