Please tell me if I am being selfish in the matter..

Hello beautiful ladies...

I am new to this forum .this is my first post and i love this site for the valuable suggessions you all give.
Coming to the point...Ours is inter-religion marriage.I am a christian and my husband is hindu. From the starting itself my MIL is a hard person and we have to wait for solid 8 years to convince her for our marriage.Atlast we got married in the presence of all our elders.

Not only before,after marriage also my MIL blames me for trapping her son and getting married(she is not accepting the fact that her son came back of me and convinced me for marriage)..as a matter of fact my DH is really caring and loving hubby...I have a SIL who is elder to my DH.

The main issue why I started this thread is...whenever my SIL or me bought a new jewellery my MIL will wear it first.whether it is earrings or new necklaces or anyother thing not sarees ..but jewellery..but as I am the only daughter to my parents i am habituated to wear my jewellery first..but here my MIL wears them first..after that i feel like i lost interest in that item..so i have discussed this issue with my DH.he said in his family it happens like that only....but i am not able to get convinced so again i tried to discuss this issue with my DH..so at one point my DH shouted on me that I am being selfish...this is the first issue my DH shouted and blamed me that i am behaving cheaply..

plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ladies...am i being selfish ??? am i behaving cheaply..how should i handle such issues???? plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz suggest me ...

Thanks in advance...

Dear creeper,

No sweetie I dont think u r wrong in expecting ur mil not to use ur stuff atleast for the first time.
But in some houses they have some weired and nonsensical practices which makes no head or tail.I think ur mil is one such case.I really dont know how u will deal with it.U say that she does that even for her own daughter so it might be a little tough to break that pattern.
Even with my in laws i had to face a lot of problems when i returned the used clothes that my sil had given to me.They made an issue saying that if my sil gives me her used dresses then how dare i return it and that i am disrespecting them by refusing to wear them.But i did not wear her used clothes (few were even smelling of sweat near the arms).This created a lot of issues with my mil.But I dont care as my self respect is more important than some stupid egos.

suji

Creeper,

Welcome to IL! i think you should not feel offended by your MiL's actions. For two reasons. For one, she wears the jewellery first be it yours or your SiL's. So, she is doing the same thing to both her daughter and daughter in law. It is not something which she is subjecting only you, her DiL to. So, accept that fact and equality.

Second, in many families it is customary that the oldest married woman will wear the new saree or jewellery first. The luck and positive vibes are supposed to rub on from them to the jewellery and then be passed on to the younger wearer. This is most common in case of diamonds, all jewellery is also treated this way. So, she is probably following that custom. You may not like this strange custom, but remember that it is done in good will and for your welfare.

Above all, it is easier for you to adjust and give in to such small idiosyncracies from her. It is a small price to maintain peace in the family. Now, if she tries to take away your jewellery, that is wrong. But if she just wears it first and gives it back, accept it. The next time you buy something, tell her to wear it first, bless it and RETURN it to you. She will feel happy and like you more.

Remember just as it is important for you to feel loved by her, she too will have a similar need. Work towards that.

Goodluck!

regards
Vidya

Dear Creeper
First let me wlecome you to this wonderful site IL.
We all ladies do have our self respect. I am a person who cannot share my things to others especially when it is for the first time. I see to that I use it 1st. ya later it is fine if someone in the family want to wear it for the day. I think you should speak to your DH about this, when he is in a good mood. and I am sure he will understand you. I don't thing there is anything selfish here. You are ready to share it with your MIL only point is not for the 1st time so as soon as u get it you wear it immediately and when she notices that time you can tell her if you wish you can wear it.

Dear Creeper,

First of all Welcome to IL. It’s a great place to share your views/issues and thoughts.

Regarding the concern that you have posted, I just wanted to share the practice in my family. My mom &all my aunties, whenever they get any new jewelry, not matter how many sovereigns or for whom they get it, make it a point to show my grand mom first ask her to wear it and seek her blessings. She will be overwhelmed by the love the DIL's show to her. It is not out of compulsion, but just to seek the blessings from the elder person (sumangali), they do this .I don’t see any point in this to get upset at all.

May be since it’s a first time you see these practices, you are very upset. As Vidya24 has written, your MIL does this to her daughter too. So there's no partial treatment meted out to you. Be happy for that. Ponder over on, what if your mom wishes to wear them before you...will you not oblige?
I'm not writing here to hurt u dear, I have seen ups and downs with my MIL too... (Step MIL -worst case).So try to take it easily. If still it bothers you talk to your hubby and sort it out .

Good Luck!

Dear Creeper,
Welcome to IL. Even in my family, when my MIL was alive, we all just seek her blessings, by asking her to wear it. It gives a blessed feeling. Dont get offended by all these simple things. Be sure that your DH doesnot shout at you for anything. You have waited that long to get married and now dont loose your DH's love for matters like this. You have said he shouted at you for the first time. Let it be the last time.

dear creeper

welcome to IL....as others have suggested be a lil patient...i know it is frustrating when others use our things..especially when sumthing new is bought its always nice when we use it..but now dun fight with ur hubby for this and make things not so comfortable for you...jus be patient and accept things the way they are..i am sure you would be well rewarded for this..

lov
sowmi

Hi Creeper,

If your MIL truly has your well wishes at heart and truly just wants to bless you she can do it without having to wear jewellery.
It is one thing when DILs volunterily go and ask someone to wear jewellery to bless them. Thats their choice. And it is nice that those MILs oblige and bless them to make them happy. Thats it, "Be Happy",,,isnt that what we should all want for each other? It seems to be a concept non existant in some families. If it makes you unhappy that your MIL insists on wearing your jewellery first, your MIL should be sensisitve to that. but she doesnt seem to care.

It is basically a power play. She wants to let you know who's the Boss in the family. She wants it to be made clear that shes the Alpha Female. Its very unbecoming of someone that age. But unfortunately in India it is propogated that you should tolerate injustice. Anyone standing up for what is right is shot down immediately. It is an age old practice that we cant change today or tomorrow.

They say "with age comes wisdom". I am not sure "they" have met everyone who has aged.

I have a friend who has dog. She actually put all the jewellery she bought on the dog first before she wore it. Thats how much she loved that dog. I have a dog too, I understand that love. Thats what made her happy. And again, thats what its all about. Being Happy.

For your peace of mind, please rise above these petty, childish people. Please dont take anything they do to heart. Its easier said than done. But you try and be the bigger person. If you act in front of your MIL like you dont mind her wearing your jewellery and it doesnt bother you, you have won the battle. Just imagine its like someone else tried it on in the store before you saw it and bought it. Imagine she is the quality tester of your house. Imagine whatever. Just let her know it doesnt bother you anymore.

Thank you for your suggestions ILties ..

I felt depressed and lonely to deal with this issue as my hubby is also not with me in sorting this issue...but after seeing soo many responses i am really relieved..
Vidhya ji ....I will definitely follow your suggestions and make myself comfortable in my sasuraal..
Rajmi ji..I see that this will be the last time about my hubby shouting on me..

I can say that adjusting to this new custom will not be that easy..but with some hope for good and for a happy life without cold wars I will say that I will try to get accustomed to the new formalities..

Once again thank you for all your support and making me feel good..
Keep posting ..
bye
Love,
Creeper

Hi Creeper, I don't think it should be a big deal. I will tell you an approach I use time to time when things/people are beyond our control. Think that you are a Psychologist and treat people as if you are treating mental patients. Then you will see, it is not that hard to let some one who cannot understand our issues to wear the ornaments/jewels for one time. That will satisfy their igo and it will be your success in making you MIL happy without thinking too much or feeling bad yourself.

But for the facts, I have never heard of anything like elders wearing things first for Good Luck!

Life is easier! It is all in the way you look at it.