Just my thoughts on In-Laws..

Hi!!

Well, after marriage and parenting, where else can I be? I am about to flood this forum with the tsunami of my thoughts. If thoughts could drown, I think this forum would have vanished by now.

If u notice the traffic, after Hobbies, Arts & Crafts and Our Communtiy, Marriage, Spouse & In-Laws is the third most posted forum. And in that apart from MArried Section, Relationship with In-Laws is the second, 64,500+ posts and counting. Whew!! Relationship with parents and siblings comes 5th..Wow!! That is something to think about for me.

Most of the time, I look into relationship forum, and it just pains me to see how many women are suffering. Some are in real mess, only GOD can give them strength to get through with what they are enduring. BUt most of the time, women ""feel"" they have a problem. Most problems are so petty.. So petty, it makes me laugh. Let me rush to add here, I am not a preacher by any chance. Neither do I think so highly of myself to call others' problems as petty. I have had my share of pettiness too. I have written few posts, regretted it, then wanted to delete it, but unfortunately realised there is no such option in IL. Been there, done that..

Though I had a fantastic childhood,as I was the youngest in my family. Naturally I was pampered by everyone, including my aunts, uncle, cousins. I got the best in everything. Maybe everyone feels the same about their childhood, maybe I am no exception. I dont know.

As I have mentioned elsewhere in my other posts, I had my set of problems.
Then the next phase of my life started. My marriage. To say I was naive will be an understatement. I was foolish. Foolish enough to think, nothing changes after marriage, I'll go from one home to another. Big deal. Even if I face any problems, I'll be able to solve with my goodness and confidence (as my equally foolish friends had me believe). I am going from one mother's lap to another. All this MIL/DIL/SIL saga is not going to happen in my life. No way. I am going to make sure it doesn't. I actually told my younger SIL/BIL not to call me bhabhi and call me didi.. Cos I didn't want to have a bhabhi kinda relationship with them. I wanted them to be my own bro/sis. Luckily they didn't, they still call me bhabhi. I was going to floor my In-Laws with my goodness. yeah, u got it right. They are gonna be charmed. Or so I thought. (see, I used to think even then)

Well, nothing happened as I planned. Even mine turned out to be a regular in-laws drama. Let me not go into details as there are plenty available on this forum already. I was at a loss, where I was going wrong? I was holding myself responsible for all that was happening. If there was any misunderstanding between DH and ILs, I used to think I was somehow responsible for that. And tried my best to clear it. I was feeling guilty for all that was happening, but when I look back, I can't figure out, how could I have been responsible for any misunderstanding between blood relations. I used to think, some or the other day, they'll change. Maybe circumstances are making them behave like that. I am the one who is having evil thoughts. I was punishing myself with my thoughts and spoiling my health. I just couldn't figure out where I was going wrong. My whole life was revolving around my inlaws. Even if I raise my kids, at the back of the mind i'll be thinking, am i right.. If they come to know, will they approve... Be it feeding my kids, bathing, dressing, teaching.. whatever.


Then my BIL got married. I did the cardinal sin of befriending my Co-sis. I can't say whether it was for good or for bad. (U be the judge) All hell broke loose. I was pregnant again for the third time and very much vulnerable. My reasoning power completely stopped. I was getting all the information that I didn't know and understand in the first place. She made me realise I was not at fault and how I was being taken for a ride. Now my perspective changed with all the gathered information. Maybe it was not much, just silly things which hurt me no end.. The loose comments, the vague taunts, the silly things done to make my life little bit more difficult. They were getting onto my nerves, I was biting my tongue. It was getting more difficult day by day. I was filled with hatred, negativity and anger. I went from feeling confused to feeling abused. Was it even worth? Here I was distancing myself from my In-laws, my husband, my ownself and my own goodness. I was turning into a much bitter person, filled with so much evil. Let me clear the air about my co-sis, maybe she did it for my good, I don't want to paint such a bad picture of her when I know she has best of intentions for me.

I don't know what actually made me realize that all this is wrong. Maybe when my little one arrived, it could have changed my perception again. I dont know what it was actually. I was getting hurt that the people about whom I care so much think so bad about me. I wanted to clear the air. I did the next cardinal sin of going and trying to sort out the differences with one of my IL whom I thought I was very close to. Blood is always thicker than water, I realized that day. The next 1 year of my life is history.

After one year I decided to rest my case, as I am never going to win. I realise it was my expectations which were bringing me and my family untold suffering. It was my foolishness which was bringing me grief. If this world wants me to play it smart, so be it. I can be much more smarter than u think.

I have one policy, no info about my in laws to my parents and vice versa... No idhar ka udhar.. The advice I might get from my parents could be emotional, judgemental and one sided. I am amazed how many of us think so highly of our mother's family. All r human beings. Everyone commits mistakes. No one can escape. If mom says something, we brush it off, whereas if a mil says.. we'll be highly inflammable. Why dont we get offended when something goes wrong with our family? Its the bond. We can forget and overlook their faults. But why can't we overlook in-laws fault? Whether its DILs overlooking MIL's mistakes or MILs overlooking their DIL's.

I don't hold any grudges towards anybody. I have learned to ignore things/people which hurt me. I have found peace with myself again. I love reading books, so I read good positive/religious books to keep negativity away from my "mind"... I believe in prayers.. When we put our trust in God, we'll be at peace.
Most of the times I feel pity on my ILs, how much negative energy they put in thinking/saying bad about me. How much bad they must be "thinking" about me to feel so much hatred. How will I feel when my DS gets married and I "think" I have a bad DIL? How will I feel if I "think" my son is not happy. Trust me, when anyone thinks ill about others, that person can never be at peace. SO whenever I hear something, I really feel pity. I feel I am so important in their lives. They cant live without me. I feel like I am VIP. If people are jeaous and insecure about me, that means I have something in me which they dont. Are such people even worth one second of my life? I dont rise to the bait of spoiling my happiness. I choose to forgive and live in peace.
Life is a never ending story, there is no happy "the end" to life.. It'll continue till we die... How I prefer to live is upto me..I learnt my priorities in my life. If I am so bothered by the petty/trivial things so much, I'll forget to fulfill my resposibilities well. I stopped listening to unnecessary gossip. I shrug off small differences and move ahead in life. I smile off the petty talk of others. I believe in thinking good of others. What they think about me I just dont care.. Life is a battleground, I choose my battles wisely now.

Yes, I have my weak moments. I make my mistakes for which I feel ashamed and regret later. But then I am me, I am human. I cannot be perfect. I'll keep committing it and learning from my mistakes and try not to repeat it. God willing.

If only we could pause for a moment and analyse what we can do to change our lives and be happy, how we can change our perception. Just imagine how hard it is to change ourselves, and we expect change others, which is impossible.

A happy life will not only make us happy person, it'll help to make us better wife, better mother, beter daughter, better sister, a better DIL/SIL and above all a better human being.