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A balance between parents and in laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, May 13, 2013.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear friends

    This is not a serious problem, but just I want to get your opinion prior to deciding further.

    I had a tough time in my marriage due to in laws influence. It was mainly because of my husband's incapability of handling them. We went up to temporary separation, and then with God's grace we reconciled.

    Things are normal afterwards, although there is a mild trust issue in me when it comes to my relationship with my in laws (or hubby and them).

    I am yet to forget or forgive them completely, but for the sake of my mental peace, I've decided not to think about my in laws too much. I am careful on what I am doing, and I never ever let my life to be on their hands as a play toy anymore. I have made my husband understand this, and hence he is also coordinating with me very well.

    Nevertheless, I've never influenced my husband's personal relationship with his parents in anyways. Although it makes me upset at times, and confuses me with unanswered doubts, I handle it smoothly within myself without upsetting my relationship with my husband.

    Fast forwarding to today's scenario...

    We have moved so much in life.. Almost settled with good jobs, bank balance, a luxury home, kid and what not. Also our love and attachment is also visible to others as we seldom fight or argue for anything, rather learnt to compromise and prioritize for each other's needs/demands. In total, we are living a peaceful, happy and healthy life now.

    My side of the family (my parents and siblings) are the pillars behind our happy life, as they were with us (with me specially) during our dark times, and still there for us. My husband is in very good terms with all of them, and hence life goes smoothly.
    However, we keep a rather distance from our in laws even though they are also living in the same locality.

    Recently, my in laws have started behaving nicely with us. They voluntarily visit us, speaks all good things about us, and moving so nicely. Since I do not want to give them any priority, I do not mind their visit or suspect the reason behind it. I just keep it as it is, which makes my husband happy.

    However, my mom and siblings are extremely worried about this. They try hard to find reasons behind my in laws' recent change. They find it very hard to trust them. Because of this, I am kept on reminded of my bitter past, and my family makes me upset by alerting me from the expected dangers from in laws' sides. They started analyzing all the reasons behind my in laws' supper nice nature, and as you know... the mud becomes smelly when you dig and dig it further.

    I can easily ask my folks to be on their place, and not to interfere in our lives. But frankly I don't want to do so. They were with me when I find it very hard to survive in my own family (with hubby) and they are still behind my happy life... Life has not been easy for me at any stage, and it was my folks those stood behind me to make it smoother even after my marriage.
    Further I know that they are not jealous on my relationship with in laws, but they just want me NOT To face another disaster...

    On the other hand, I can very well inform my in laws that their visits are not much welcomed here, as they deserve any such harsh treatments for their ill behavior against me. But this will hurt my husband, who has taken so much efforts to be with me.

    I do not want to even think of my past in the name of welcoming or not welcoming my in laws into my life. I just need some peace.

    I also do not want to hurt both my hubby and parents as both of them are my love.

    Basically I want my in laws to visit or involve in our matters with limits, so that our lives are no more confused. I am sure I won't let them to bring any disaster in the future....This way my hubby is happy and we can share a peaceful life... But I really don't know how to convince my parents/siblings with regards to this.

    I need some techniques to tackle this... Pls help
     
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  2. Namita2k13

    Namita2k13 Silver IL'ite

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    We actually do not know how In laws have ruined your life in the past but assuming that they have influenced your husband against you. So your relatives thinking that they can so it again.
    This time it will not be so easy for them as you and your DH have come a long way together. you both are more matured. Still you have to be on alert to smell any fishy demands or their efforts to sneak into your confidential matters.
    If your relatives are bugging you ask them for the suggestion what you can do when ILs are bahaving nicely! same time you do not want to hurt your DH at all.

    To avoid their visits your can visit ILs once in a while or can try to cut down the frequency of their visits by showing that you are very busy. sudden change will be fishy but that you will have to judge if its natural or not.
     
  3. navyar

    navyar Gold IL'ite

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    SGBV,

    You better not talk anything relating to your ILs with your parents/siblings. You dont even need to update your parents about their visits to your house. Even if your parents/siblings get to know the details of your inlaws and tries to comment on that, you can very well end/divert the topic and subtly hint them that you are not comfortable with their comments either negative or positive.

    You said once your marriage has gone till separation due to your in-laws interference. Now, it is back on track. The fact that you faced separation because of them does not in any way release you from your current obligations of a 'two-way' thing of marriage. There is nothing like its the responsibility of your spouse (who was at fault) to work the marriage out for the rest of the period because it was he/his people who ruined it before. You still have your part in guarding your marriage from all external influences, be it your in-laws or your parents/siblings.

    Your H realised his failings and re-united with you. So forgive them and be a bigger person. Dont punish them nor your husband for something of the past. After taking all the crap from them, you now know where to draw a line when it comes to your relation with them. Added to that now your H also regained his senses to understand his priorities. So let it flow smoothly like this. Strive to maintain this 'status-quo'

    I agree that your parents were a great support for you during your marriage crisis. Now, you cannot repay them by allowing them to interfere in your married life. They are putting unnecessary fears in you under the appearance of cautioning/warning you of the disaster as they think it to be.

    If your in-laws are being nice to you. Reciprocate on your own terms. If you distance them for no apparent valid reason by heeding to the advices of your parents, it might irk your H at some point and you both might end up with misunderstandings. No son would be interested in watching his parents pay for their wrongs. Accept them if you can or stay neutral.

    Try not to update details pertaining to your in-laws to your parents/siblings. Every time they come up with some complaints or comments, nip off the conversation politely by saying that that you don't want to talk about it. Eventually they might back-off.

    Interference from any set of parents is a menace for a happy married couple, however justifiable, reasonable and logical the interference might seem to the child of the interfering parents.
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks to both for your replies.

    For your info... It is not me who update my parents on my in laws' visits. Since my mom is living with us, and my siblings are my neighbors it can not be hidden.

    From 2008-2010, my in laws were the bad enemies of us. They did everything possible to the extend of killing my emotions, so that I attempted to commit to suicide. The separated us, and that made me leave the home. In 2011, we have reconciled, and they were all against that.

    Upto last Dec 2012, they spoke ill stuff against me, and influenced negatively on our constructions and all. They were my biggest enemies, and there is no doubt about that. I do not need my husband's acceptance to understand or know about my in laws' inner colours. I know it, I've experienced them, and I am clear about them.

    It is not that I confuse within myself by thinking whether my in laws have changed or not.. I know they can not change, and they are the same evils. I simply do not want to repeat the same to my husband... Whether he understands them or not, I just don't care... but I just don't want to make any efforts to teach him about his own parents... I know it is pointless, and it will further ruin our relationship.

    I have no issues of their visits, or his visits to their place... As long as they don't disturb my routines, I am just fine. I don't want to make my life complicated anymore.. Its going smoothly now.

    Also I understand my husband's inability to put them on place... at the same time his heart to let me live on my own (without injecting their thoughts in me). I am ok with that.

    I just pretend as if I don't care about their mingling... Although my husband knows that I hate them, he is happy that I just don't make it a big fuss on their visit.. He is cool with that too...

    All what I want is to make my parents understand that I am no more a looser, no more a child.

    I don't want to lose my parents or their love by trusting my in laws one more time... No way...

    I know my in laws are evils... My husband also knows it, but he is helpless, and that's his nature and I am fine with that. I know my parents are genuinely worried about all this, and I don't want to keep them worried of me.

    All what I don't know is... How to convince my parents that I let my in laws inside of my home because of my husband and the love I have for him.. But I will never let them to influence in my life ... Also I will never let my love to be blindfolded and ruin my life because of the influence of in laws... In one word, I want them to trust my capacity of learning a lesson and applying it in life tactfully...
     
  5. 123thirumala

    123thirumala Silver IL'ite

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    sudden change of ur in laws makes ur parents to think a lot, they are not wrong.as per my view i dont trust them
    you should be very careful for a single or tiny matter otherwise they start building wall btween u and ur husband dont blindly trust them.half minute is enough to spoil a relationship so dont trust inlaws.
    dont inform ur inlaws visits to ur parents handle ur self.
    if u understand telugu i say saying "DHEBHHA THINNA PULLI VOORUKODU"
    if u think they are really changed it is well and good but take care. u should act like a chameleon if front of them.dont say anything to ur inlaws in front of ur husband always compliment them.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2013
  6. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    Sudden change is suspicious. Listening to their warnings does not mean that you are allowing your family to interfere in your life. Listen and make your own decision.
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I am 100000 times sure that my in laws can not change... I suspect them, and hence I will never ever trust them in my life. I know how to draw the line and keep them in their place. However, I allow them into my home, since it is not only my home, but my husband's home too. As long as he truly understands their true colours, it would make him uncomfortable if I restrict their visit to our home. I basically greet them, and that's all.. I don't go beyond that level to build my relationship with my in laws.. My husband is also fine with that.


    My problem is, my parents are worried too much about this. They seems to be worried, and not having enough trust in my confidence level. They compare the ME in the past and think that I will become the same in the future also. But my present has taught a lot of lessons, which I am confident that I am no more a toy in anyone's hands.

    I feel upset when someone reminds me of my failure of the past, and have lack of trust of my present confidence level. It makes me feel very bad about my status.

    I understand my parents are worried about me, and all what they repeatedly advise me is right. But I can not just please them by throwing my in laws' out of home.. Which will ultimately spoil my love life with my husband, and that's what my in laws want. On the other hand, I am unable to strictly tell my parents that they need to shut their mouth, as it is my life. I know it's gonna be rude, and I don't want to be rude with my caring parents. Even though I am married, I am still sort of dependent to them emotionally and physically as you all know my husband is yet to grow his spine as a man (Although he is changing, and changed more than 70% from his past - Don't ask me why I am still forgiving - I love him)

    All I need is some advice as to how diplomatically I can handle this situation...

    Note: I am not going to be cheated by my in laws as long as I don't allow them (or husband) into my personal matters. I am careful
    I can not be rude to my husband's feelings to say a strict no to in laws' visit
    I can not be rude to my parents to say "shut up" to their interference in this regard as I know their inner feelings

    All I want is to prove them that i am confident enough that no one can cheat me once more... And hence they do not need to worry about me too much. And my intention is to allow my husband a happy life since he has come towards me by going against his parents - Note: He didnt come to me by knowing his parent's true colours, but came just because of the love he had on me.. So at the cornor of his heart, he still longs for his parent's love with guilt.
     
  8. Unlikemany

    Unlikemany Senior IL'ite

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    Dear SGBV,

    Having gone through sort-of similar problems, I get the reason behind your parents reaction. They are probably hurt more (partly because of their love for you) than you from all your il's behavior. It is hard to make parents realize that you are grown up, unless you live independently.

    Like navyar suggested, tell them you do not want to be reminded of the past because you feel bad.

    If your mom is a little conservative she might feel awkward by ils visit. You don't have mind their visits but keep an eye on how they behave with your mom. If they make your mom feel awkward, you can invite all your neighbouring relatives and make your ils feel awkward :)!
     
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  9. CrazyMe

    CrazyMe New IL'ite

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    From my perspective, yes something is ther which is making them behave sweetly and increase the visits. I b'live life might have thought you many things and u are much more strong then before. Since, you are the one who took all the pain and handled them directly.. u can only make out the reason behind ther sudden change.

    Try to go back and see from wer exactly they changed ther colors... any situations at home/incidents/conversations which can be turned into ther favor or in ur disadvantage might be the cause (this is only since you dont trust them any more). It can be also possible that they are genuinely trying get on a single page with u and securing ther relationship with ther son and his family.

    Paralleling.. try to get occupied always by keeping urself busy.. and avoid any conversation with ur parents about ur ILs. Keep ur mom busy wen ur IL visit ur place. BUT, u keep an eye on them.. keep observing how/what they talk with u and ur DH.. this will give u a hint in judging them and keeping away from any disaster they are trying to get into ur life again.. while doing this keep ur mind/heart open.. everybody needs a second chance.. and to give so.. u need to be ready to forget and forgive... if they are good.. be good with them. If they are bad.. try to ignore and avoid them.

    Let ur parents/sibilings know that u r strong enough and like to not dig the past.. u can always say this nicely when ever they take out ur ILs topic(repeat it any number of times with patience and with soft voice until it reaches ther ears). At the same time.. give them an hint that u learnt alot from ur past and now ready to face the future independently BUT if needed will always rely on them. This will make them understand that ur not hurting them with ur words but infact are grateful for all the support they provided and will always count on them in ur bad times...

    I hope this helps you and all the best...
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks to both of you.

    I know the exact reason behind my in laws sweet talks and love. As expected by me (and my parents) they have already started trying to interfere into our matters and trying their best to get some financial related benefits from us. Of course all such requests comes as vulnerable sugarcoated begging... But I know what is that.

    Since I knew them, I had no issues in saying a big NO... I am prepared, and I have reasons to diplomatically avoid their requests. My husband too doesn't feel offended as he understands.

    I know that they will keep on trying... but if you are not weak, no one can attack you. My weakness is my husband not my in laws... So they can not cheat me
     

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