please respond after reading this..

Hi,

Me and my husband came back to India after 7 years from US.We stayed in India after marriage for a very short time and that short time was like living in hell.So i always tried to keep a distance from his parents while we were in US.Now my husband took me back to india because of some visa problems.i knew i am going to have a very rough time ahead.I was not happy at all coming back.

Now from starting even before marriage his mother yelled at me,abused my parents,abused me.When it happened i got very very scared and my legs started shivering.My husband asked me not to answer her back.Whenever i had to go to my parents house during India visits there was a big fight in the house where she would yell like hell.My father in law although scolded her badly which she ignored but he did not support me also.For him she is the mother in law and she has every right to do this.I mean he never took any responsibility for her behavior.He always held me and my my family responsible for her behavior.

So during the time i lived in US i hated them and never wanted to come back.I never tried to maintain any relationship with them.And yes..the anger was boiling inside me.I was not able to deal with the humiliation i faced.

Anyways..when i came back i was totally defensive and revengeful.

Now i also did not take any interest in them and i wanted my separate house from starting.
Her yelling and everything did not stop.Then i started retaliating back.But i never crossed my limit even while answering her back.Whenever i answered her back no matter how bad her behavior was ..my FIL also insulted me ,my family and my sanskar.He used bad words about women in general that women are home breakers,women can not adjust in husband's family and how woman can never bear insults for her parents and how women are so attached with her even in old age and they never accept husband family.

I had heated arguments with my FIL too on the above points.I gave him really good answers.Then he stopped humiliating me from then on.

But my mil she would constantly putting me down on every chance she got.She criticed me for my cooking,housekeeping,parenting everything.My FIL supported her and did the same.She would yell at me like hell whenever she wants.

Now about my husband's role...he always supported me and fought with his parents whenever it happened.But he wanted to keep us together.He says that his mother has mental problems and she do this with everybody not just me.she is emotionally imbalanced.I also saw that my husband also scolds her very badly and ofter has arguments with her.
My husband talked with his father also for me.He even scolded him and disconnected his phone.I mean i saw it.

But my MIL and FIL are otherwise very supportive.They help me in the kitchen.They are attached with my daughter.If i have health problems they are supportive.

I kept on begging him(DH) that please take me out of here.I can not live like this.I will go into deep depression.But they are so clingy that he can not say it directly but indirectly he gives them hints to keep way.

After i answered my FIL back a few times...they started cutting down on their visits.After worst and draining fights my husband also stopped forcing me to go there.

I also changed.I stopped answering them back and behaved like they don't exist when they tauted.I tried everything not to get into fights.Relationships started improving.

But now i run away from them..if i hear about them coming here or us going to their house i get goose bumps.I react very strongly.I get very nervous and start behaving very angry over small issues with my husband and my daughter avoid going there.i make excuses not to go there and if they have to come my mood change drastically.i am not able to accept them.

The more i avoid them the more i have to interact with them.something or the other keep happening when they have to come for days or we have to go there.They live nearby.So basically i cannot live peacefully..there is one sword always hanging on my neck.
We meet them at least once a week sometimes they come to live with us for days.

I have that tension all the time that they might come in the evening today.every weekend i get nervous thinking that okay now i have to go there.


I may sound strange to you but this is true.My husband don't even try to avoid them.So i send him to go taking my daughter to meet them and try to be at home.
My husband says i have to accept them.They are my family..his mother is like that with everybody and i will have to accept her.

I can not avoid them they keep coming here for days or i have to go there all the time.

what to do...how to come out.

About job...i got one offer but i met with an accident just before joining and got leg surgery.My mobility is limited.I do all the household work but can not walk much and go out much on my own.The other thing is i got the offer i wanted to leave my daughter in day care so as to get rid of them but my husband did not allowed me to.He wanted his parents to take care of our daughter.So basically even i get a job they will move here and i don't want to leave my daughter on them.Because they fight with each other also all the time.

we don't have a good reputation in our society because of my MIL's habit of fighting with everybody.whenever she visits us..she would go to neighbors house and backbiting me.she would pinpoint every mistake the maids do and make a fuss about it.maids have good relations with me so they don't run away.my neighbors also hate her and don't invite us in their functions and other get togethers.So if they start living here...our reputation will go very bad and we will lose all the maids.

The most important help i want from you is please tell me how to cope with it mentally.How to accept them and their visits.How to tolerate when she yells at me for her own faults.


yes she would keep sabzi on gas and come out of the kitchen and forget.And lets say i go to kitchen for something or i am doing something else in the kitchen and her sabzi is slighty burnt then she would start yelling at me badly blaming me.
She always lose her money,jewellery and blames me or her husband(FIL) all the time that i don't care about the maids i don't walk behind them when they are working.She manages to hold others responsible some way or the other.

How to deal with the situation.

 

yes diplomacy is where i am lacking.I am very straight-forward.but i am learning.now when she taunts i try to ignore her but when she doesn't stop i reply her back that too without losing my cool with a smile on my face.

Yes i can make an excuse of their old age to send my daughter to day care.I think it will work.