Help...help...help with mil and sil

Hi ILs....hope you all can help with my problem.

A bit of background...I have been married 6 years to my husband, no kids. We are currently living in the same town as both my parents and my in-laws. DH is only son and his dad has passed away leaving his mother and younger married sister with two kids.

My relationship with my mom-in-law started out well prior to marriage and in the early days of marriage (or so I thought). The three (MIL, DH and me) of us initially lived together. My mil and I would both do cooking depending on who came back from work earlier. Other chores would be shared such as laundry. MIL would generally do sweeping and general clean-up as she gets up quite early in morning. I would do more heavy cleaning like vacuuming and mopping as well as work seven days a week full-time (self-employed).

Anyway very first issue...it is small issue but because it is the start....here goes. She was folding laundry and does not like to iron. I was going to iron some of my work clothes so I said to her that I would take my DH's work shirts to iron as well. I took three shirts. I found out later that she went complaining to my husband and I had grabbed all the clothes and huffed off angrily disrespecting her. She said that I was lucky that I had her as a mil as any other mil would have fought with me. Left me confused. Other things happened later as well such as comments on my looks, job, sex life...I ignored her comments...but I learned to be careful with her and not stay alone in same room with her.

Later on in the month, I come home and DH is telling me that his sister's husband needs 10,000 dollars. We had already given her 10,000 just recently from our account and I said as much to my mil who was listening. She said that they wanted more money from me and I said that DH and my money was one and same. After more discussion I came to realization that she wanted me to go to my dad for the money (my dad is well known in the community and owns a lot of assets but has limited liquid cash.) I told her that I would not ask my dad but she was free to ask if she felt so strongly and see what he said. That pissed her off (she knows my dad is difficult guy) and she told me that I didn't know how to live in family and how to live with relatives (if they need money, then I should provide) basically called me a witch and then called her son-in-law over to deal with me. He came over but he is quite nice to me so he said that it was out of line for them to be harassing me for money and that he didn't really need the money that badly...and he would be ok. She left with him refusing to stay with us.

Eventually she comes back...more misunderstanding and gossip about me. My husband's cousin and wife, Sharlene (not real name) who recently got married came to visit us. Me and Sharlene got along really well. We showed them around and gifted them (gifted them after asking mil's advice on gifting which was to do whatever we wanted). My mil also gifted clothes to Sharlene which mil and sil kept secret from me. Sharlene told me about the gifts near the end of her stay. Sharlene was staying with sil at the time and when sil found out that I knew about the gifts she told Sharlene that they didn't tell me about the gifts because if I found out then I would force her to give me her gifts (Sil's reason was that they hadn't given me any gifts cause they opposed DH and my marriage). Basically they were trying to ruin my relationship with Sharlene and when sil called my office the next day, I told here that i wanted nothing to do with their gifts and gossips and to not call my office with such trivial matters. Over this issue my mil decides to permanently move in with sil because my DH asked mil about the whole gifting situation (why we were gifting people twice and not telling each other about the gifts even though we live together). She ignored his questions, gave silent treatment, and moved in with sil permanently. There have been a lot more issues and probably worse than those above but you get the idea that the issues are petty matters and attempts to exploit or villianize me.

Anyway later on, I fell quite ill and was hospitalized. I was eventually put on life support and given 10% chance to live. Doctors came back and said that family should start thinking about terminating life support as I was not stabilizing. My mil was in India at the time and when she talked to my mom, she asked if she should come back. My mom said that alot of family was already here and doctors were the best so if she was unable that it was ok. My sil was in hospital alot and fought with doctors for info (doctors will only talk to immediate family). Apparently she came a lot while I was in coma and she told my husband that she hoped that I would die and that I deserved what I got. She told DH that she had found out that I had recorded her and mil's conversation about Sharlene's in-laws and played it for Sharlene (this is all lies, I never recorded anything). Anyway my husband didn't know that she was lying and believed her and when I came out of coma, he was really cold and didn't talk to me and take care of me. After the coma, I couldn't walk or feed myself so I need alot of support but he wasn't there for me because he believed sil's lies. I didn't know at the time why he was behaving this way but I knew that he would not take care of me and chose to go home to my mom for care. Later I found out about sil's lies and told my husband that she is lying and that I am very upset that I was about to die and she would come to my hospital room and say things like she wanted me to die when everyone else was praying so hard for me to live.

Anyway sorry for long intro...issue is now that I don't want to talk to sil or go to her house. I have talked to mil (sil controls mil alot) since but not sil. DH keeps looking at me expecting me to start up talking to sil but I feel that if she wanted me dead then I might as well be to her. I never say anything negative to DH about his family but I just feel like I don't have anymore energy to deal with them. DH has also been limiting his contact with my family and I feel it is because I am avoiding his family. What to do now? Should I just continue relationship with sil and ignore her behaviour to keep DH happy? Please help....

 

Hi Sokanasanah,

Thanks for your quick reply....I had left out section on my husband and issues that we had already resolved so my earlier post seemed to imply that I did not hold DH accountable. Actually what had happened after the coma (which occurred just over a year ago), I went to live with mom for care and then returned to husband. I was only with husband for couple of weeks when we could not resolve issues, I decided to go for separation and moved out of our home. During separation, he took initative to attend rehab and counselling after which his behaviour improved considerably. We then started attending couples counselling together to resolve balance of issues.

We have been back together now and we both feel earlier issues have been resolved during couselling which is why I did not include in original post. I have recently had surgery and he has been taking very good care of me so I feel that he has really changed in his behaviour towards me and our relationship is working and we are happy now.

I guess I do not want to be haunted by the sil issue. In my post, I mentioned that he looks at me as if he wants me to talk to sil but that he has not actually asked me to talk to her. Our cousellors do not actually tell us what to do and want us to resolve issues on our own with guidance. The sil issue has just been sitting and being ignored by me cause I don't have energy to deal with it. I feel if I just continue to ignore that things will just end up in a pattern with him talking to his family and me talking to mine (he does talk to my parents just less than before). This may just be the best way but I wanted to see if other ILs had any ideas to go about dealing with this issue.

 

Hi Anita,

I would not be happy being manipulated to speak to sil. But, even my mom thinks that I should deal with her and be civil. So I wonder if I am being stubborn or would others feel the same way that I do.

To answer your question, she has never apologized and I feel that she does not regret saying what she said. Her behaviour towards me has not changed...seems like she only wants me around so she can blame or scapegoat me within the family.