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  1. #1
    barren is offline New ILite
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    Default manupilative mother in law, insensitive husband

    Hi
    This is a bit long post , but I seriously require advise
    I am professional girl with modern outlook
    My in laws are too traditional, my marriage was in a arranged setup with my husband.
    >> we are in Mumbai and in laws in delhi. In the first year of mrg they insisted on my coming down for every festival which meant staying away from my husband. I left my job in delhi to adjust with husband and assumed these visits would satisfy my in laws and lead to a healthy relation with my husband. But my MIL starting complaining to her clan that I do not work. Her routine includes the dusting and cleaning the complete house frm morning till 3 pm, which according to me is unnecessary to be done daily. I adjusted thinking it mgt improve my relation with my husband, but my MIL said – “ why did u cm for festivals- u cud have refused and u were not cooking food for me. So u have not sacrificed anything”. I was dumbstuck at this; always my FIL used to tell DH, please tell her to come – everyone will ask her thn what will I say and now this lady just reverses her answers.
    >>I have always been professional and at a gud position in my career, when I kept a maid for cooking at my house in bbay she said “I felt bad because my son earns so much and I never kept a maid but u have”. I was badly hurt, because I left my job to be with DH, and was trying to adjust I new life, plus I on my salary was affording a maid thn why was I expected to compromise on tht when I had made it clear to my husband bfr mrg.
    >> my in laws are monetarily dependent on my DH, he contributed lacs of rupees after our mrg when my MIL wanted t buy a house much beyind the means of her husband( my FIL was paying the rest amount against what he got frm his fathr as an ancestral distribution.)
    >>his relatives taunt me trying to show of thr heritage, which is was lower thn what my family has achieved. I never retorted coz I thot they wud feel bad. But I inturn always was hurt.
    >> whetever my parents do on festivals is always less for them. My MIL complains to my husband about what will she tell the reatives and all, while the truth is that his relatives are much much much below my parents position and neither they nor there relatives cans do as much parents do financially, but still my MIL complains
    >> my mrg is 3 years old now and I have been working for 2 year now, I already am managing the house with office,while I spend 3 hours travelling my Mil still complains about my not celebrating the festivals and taking care of the house the way she wants ( tobe noted she is not even in mumbai)
    >> I usually have fights with my husband which revolve around my complaining to him about his mother and he finally said tht we shud separate as he cnt listen anything against his parents
    >> flg this my parents met them up and try to make em understand my point of view, but they have been adamant. They do not want to break the relation but are not ready to accept there mistakes. I told them that his mother’s involvement in our lives is spoiling our relationship, she started crying and no improvement still calls up my husband and tries to know the details of our lives
    >> when I told my husband tht I do not wanna talk to her till the time things dnt iron out between us, he said he wud in turn not talk to my parents. Here I would want to highlight, my husband met with an accident and MIL did not turn up thn I had to call my mum. I was overburdened with work , my husband like the biggest dumb person on the earth insisted my mum not come and I manage on my own. He to this date doesn’t acknowledge my parents contribution.
    >> in laws are from a traditional backgrnd where they always make me do things by saying “log kya kahenge”. DH is nt ready to acknowledge the fact that our family life was uprooted for a year because of his parents.
    >> my sister in law is nearing 30, has never attended college, done all education thru distance learning and so she is not able to get agud match for mrg. Here too my FIL goes out and tells my DHs assets as his own and says tht we are rich and will spend any amount. The truth being that my husband has to arrange for the wedding with doing half of the contribution.
    >> with my husband contributing in there finances, we have to make adjustments in our life here. I was ok with them if my MIL and FIL would give me respect for that. Or my husband wud stand up for me in front of his relatives. Nothing happened and I was depressed thn I though this mght continue all our lives hence I decided to go for higher studies. To which again my MIL had unpleasant things to say and meant tht I was nuisance creator and I wanted money and hence was gng for higher studies. She didn’t stop here , went and told all her relatives tht I did nt want to have a kid hence I am dng this. The truth is that I do not feel secure inthis relation to take the next step. Today I am alone I still separate after a kid it wud be impossible. The relatives in turn called me and a week before the exam I was harassed by with irrelevant questions
    >> I am facing a multiple adaptability issue, at my house I am expected to forget my education, my achievements and bow down even to the people who have doen nothing in thr lives. While In office my profile demands tht I be smart and behave authoritatively, as I am a manager. My family life is spoiling my office already. I do not want this to happen, as that’s the things for which I have out in 12 years of my life and I gain my confidence bcoz of it. please help me regain myself .
    >> I am upset, as my husband, doesn’t support me in matters.
    PS: I am in problem, and I am looking for some advise. Please do not relate things here to ur life and give negative outlooks. I hope u understand that everything cnt be written down , I have tried to document few incidents. Please dnt bash me for ur personal reasons.


  2. #2
    suseehk is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: manupilative mother in law, insensitive husband

    Hi barren
    professional girl with modern outlook
    Well life has its ups n downs dear! But plz never ever give up ur ambitions (I do understand wat ur going through dear). But let me remind u, all u need is most is ur Husband trust ,love n affection just wait when he's in a good mood then tell him how u feel,then ask his opinion but one tip I would give u is just appreciate ur MIL OR FIL (no matter what they have done to you becoz God knows). U WOULD CERTAINLY GET WAT U WANT FRM UR HUBBY & HE WOULD CERTAINLY AGREE TO UR WISHES TO STUDY HIGHER AS WELL AS SAY SRY BEFORE U GO TO BED .IF U WANT TO FIGHT LET IT BE BETWEEN UR 4 WALLS ONLY AND DON'T LET THE THIRD PERSON IN DEAR COZ IT WILL SPOIL UR RELATIONSHIP.
    I can understand how u feel but just a little give n take dear !
    I surely assure u that u would take the right decision cos ur a learned n highly qualified person n U REALLY GOT A GOOOD HEART!
    Just a small request from me as a friend just kneel down n pray to GOD surely He will answer ur prayer!

    ALL THE BEST!

    Last edited by RiddhimaT; 17th January 2013 at 02:01 AM. Reason: Chat style language and sharing of personal information is not allowed in Forums!

  3. #3
    ars
    ars is offline Gold ILite
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    Default Re: manupilative mother in law, insensitive husband

    ok no negative oulooks.
    What is the question you are facing with that you need advice, suggestions, and ideas from us.


  4. #4
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    amicabledeepu is offline Junior ILite
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    Default Re: manupilative mother in law, insensitive husband

    hi iam really sorry for what you are facing i dont know if my suggestions would help you or not but i would like to give you a little advice(dont take it in a wrong way its totally upto you whether to consider it or not):
    1 In my view,i think you have done few things to satisfy your in-laws and Dh as you were new bride.this back fired on you.You could have explained your dh that first two years of marriage are really important between couple and that you didnt want to loose the opportunity of developing a rapport with him and the constant travel is making you tired..you could have attended only very important festivals saying some or other excuse..like periods or something
    2 When she complained about keeping a maid you could have just listened and ignored.because though she is wrong in saying you are wasting my sons money,she wont accept it and its just to bug you.Ignoring her would have helped.
    3 Whatever parents give or have done for marriage is always considered less by almost all inlaws in India.
    so no need to over do it or care for what they say about it ..
    4 Dont complain about Mil and Fil to your Dh ever..until and unless its extremely bothering you,because this will backfire you almost all the times(personal experience)
    5 Dont interfere your parents or ILs into your family matters and try to minimise your interaction with them as much as posible,Cut your trips to their place saying your very busy
    6 Finally try and give your marriage a chance and build communication with your dh avoiding your parents or his parents in the conversation
    You are living in a different place thats a lot of advantage for you and you are working too and independent
    ..
    Trust me,I have also faced lot of things that you said for 2years at beginning of my marriage and i know it very depressing to know that husband doesnt support you and Ils taunts and we have that urge to nag to our partners and we get very sensitive about our parents..
    I have followed all these things myself and i can tell we are lot at peace and i have seen a lot of change in my dh too (thanks to this forum)

    ShilpaMa and srd24 like this.
    Change the texture of your thoughts
    & your life will change. The future is not
    something we await, it is something we create.

  5. #5
    renualways is offline Senior ILite
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    Default Re: manupilative mother in law, insensitive husband

    Dear Barren,

    Cool ! we can understand your stage very well.
    1.Traditional behavior of your in laws -- you cannot help & you cannot also get in to that.So donot bother about it.You do your own style of prayers but definitely you should do.Not becoz to please some one,but a part of our life is prayers.

    2.Its your parents & also your happiness to present gifts,dont expect any compliments from anybody.Yes It hurts when they complain & compare.But presenting gifts at the time of festival is a habit, nothing more than that.If you feel hurt on that, ask your parents not to give any thing.If you inlaws comment about it, simply say ,I dont want to get anything from my parents , why should they do to me, even have become BAHU to this respectable family (in assertive way & polite tone.).So your inlaws left with no chance of complaining either.

    3. Some Inlaws may have jealous over their DL ,on looking a maid in their home.As they were not blessed with such things usually they back bite or pass ill comments.Dont listen to it.

    4.If you decided not to communicate with your MIL ,thats fine, but why you want to create the scene with your husband.No one will accept that idea, even you too... not talking to their mother.Keep the minimum level of conversations.

    5.If your FIL calls for festival, go with your husband, dont go alone,manage to do some holds.Even after your MIL seeks to complain, just shun her.Behave that you have lost hearing capacity.

    6.Going for higher education is your own choice, why are you entertaining other relatives to ask about it, they dont have any business to do with it.On the opening call itself, you should have give a strong reply .
    You cannot be good to any one.Why are you giving chances for others to have a ride on you.

    7.When you husband is dumb,the situation is for you.you need to respond, not your husband.Being a Manager, by this time you should have learnt to manage the people's behavior.Every Organizational behavior is for humans in that given work space,the work space here is home,catch up with behavior,try to manage them.

    8. Career achievement requires your working skill , here it is life, it needs lot of emotions & shrewdness.

    9.Adaptability & adjustment takes different time frames for every one. You cannot compromise for every thing in your life..but there are some things too....which you need to decide.

    10. you clearly know the standard of people around you, still why are you bothering about them.when they are no way equivalent to you,...just shun them completely.

    11.Lastly, its your life,you have to live, no one else can live in it or they cannot force you to live in it.
    Stop complaining about anybody to your husband.Talk openly about your needs and wishes, and inform him , you are really looking for his sincere support & love to achieve the goals.Talk more about both of your future, kids exclusively about you both.Dont drag any one in your conversations.When you and your husband are in harmony, then only things will work out. Give cards to your husband express you love for him .....

    Some stupid people dont have work to do , so they roam around every where talking ill of others , interfering in others business.Its that you to decide whether they are impo top you or not, however they are stupid.

    Plan for vacation, have fun, relax.

    All the best

    Always
    Renu


  6. #6
    ShilpaMa's Avatar
    ShilpaMa is offline Platinum ILite
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    Default Re: manupilative mother in law, insensitive husband

    professional + modern outlook + arranged marriage = BAD combination
    Don't loose your identity and self confidence in the process of winning over inlaws and husband. Really not worth it.

    Now that you've realised that the amount of adjustments you're making as per your standards are not giving desirable happiness from ILs and Husband ... pls come back to your original self... and life.

    Few things I dint understand... in these 3 yrs of marriage ... u were working for 2 yrs and away from husband... or was it you left the job to be with husband and joined a job in his city ... worked for 2 yrs and again left.... need to know when did you realise & start on damage control .....

    Why have you named yourself Barren? As per modern terminology this word is pretty derogatory...

    "What you think about the most or focus on the most is what will appear as your life."
    Rhonda Byrne, The Secret

  7. #7
    prihar is offline New ILite
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    Wink Re: manupilative mother in law, insensitive husband

    Hello Barren,
    I am neither going to give you any -ve ideas nor am I going to ask you to keep your mouth shut and suffer.i have been through exactly the same problem...money sucking, orthodox and selfish in laws,husband who loved me but didn't have courage to stand up.It's going to be 2 years since we got married and I turned the situation around to be under my control.As a result I am not only doing well in my personal life but very well professionally to.

    I would say:
    1. First turn a deaf ears to people who say listen and ignore. By ignoring what your inlaws particularly the MIL blabber you are just allowing her to do damage to you. Even if you give your life for these folks they will never respect you so its better you give back to her in an educated manner....
    I am also an educated modern girl belonging to a rich family but coz of the values given by my parents I kept my mouth shut and ignored myMILs blabber in the begining.However ignoring worsened the situation n she made me go mad...so I turned completely defiant ...I flatly refused things that she asked from my parents or any stupid traditions that I did not believe in and told her flatly that its my life and I will live it my way....
    I know these things might sound a little too much but believe me if you refuse to do things that you do not beileve in it will strengthen your confidence and you will be happy instead of being depressed...ultimately if you are happy your marriage will improve....
    I had almost gone into depression and was thinking of seperation when I decided to stand up for myself...so my mil seeing a strong dil suddenly turned meek and today is even scared to utter things that I do not like or believe in....I also did another thing...I simply stopped calling or talking to her....this continued for months till she started calling....so when she would call I would keep the talk to minimum either excusing myself or just by not talking much....
    Also since my husband was caught between us I decided to straighten it out with my mil...I flatly told her that I had a modern upbringing and I am a career women and I do not like what she asks me to...as a result she herself stopped bugging me.....

    2. You are a manger and the way you are at work you have be like that in personal life too....you can't have dual personalities....it will eat you up.....

    3. The fact that your husband doesn't communicate with your parents is saddening but I will say keep your expectations as low as possible....my husband was the same so I never asked him to talk to my parents or anything but if wanted my parents to come I would not ask him but tell him after all I pay half the rent and bills...he is not going ask me if his parents should come or not....he will tell me so I did the same....n tadaaaaa....after spending time with my parents he started loving them....
    So you shouldn't ask him but tell him

    4. Stock your savings well and do not share with dh...money is powerful...he will have at the back of his mind that his wife has done so much of saving and he hasn't saved that much yet...you know male ego....

    5. Plan a trip with your dh...it was vacations that brought us close and helped to heal the broken bonds....

    6. Keep yourself very busy by going to gym or shopping or working....once your dh doesn't get to see he will realize your value....

    7. I read a lot of spiritual books to keep myself motivated and happy and it really helped me....I learnt to meditate n keep myself calm...I learnt forget maybe not to forgive....but I did all this for myself...to keep myself happy...
    Similarly if you learn to stay happy on your own your marriage n relations will improve....

    Be strong always....dominant and defiant and I am sure you will surpass this phase...it's just a phase...if you love your husband and believe in the marriage then don't give up....turn things around and I am sure you will have a very happy life....


  8. #8
    barren is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: manupilative mother in law, insensitive husband

    Quote Originally Posted by prihar View Post
    Hello Barren,
    IFirst turn a deaf ears to people who say listen and ignore. By ignoring what your inlaws particularly the MIL blabber you are just allowing her to do damage to you. Even if you give your life for these folks they will never respect you so its better you give back to her in an educated manner....
    I am also an educated modern girl belonging to a rich family but coz of the values given by my parents I kept my mouth shut and ignored myMILs blabber in the begining.However ignoring worsened the situation n she made me go mad...so I turned completely defiant ...I flatly refused things that she asked from my parents or any stupid traditions that I did not believe in and told her flatly that its my life and I will live it my way....
    I know these things might sound a little too much but believe me if you refuse to do things that you do not beileve in it will strengthen your confidence and you will be happy instead of being depressed...ultimately if you are happy your marriage will improve....
    I had almost gone into depression and was thinking of seperation when I decided to stand up for myself...so my mil seeing a strong dil suddenly turned meek and today is even scared to utter things that I do not like or believe in....I also did another thing...I simply stopped calling or talking to her....this continued for months till she started calling....so when she would call I would keep the talk to minimum either excusing myself or just by not talking much....
    Also since my husband was caught between us I decided to straighten it out with my mil...I flatly told her that I had a modern upbringing and I am a career women and I do not like what she asks me to...as a result she herself stopped bugging me.....
    thanks for ur advise prihar,
    following ur advise i have some concerns
    MIL doesn complain to me directly, she always does it thru DH. she wud keep on poking him and sp on weeeknds asking, what were u doing where have u guys gone out? the worst part is taht she wud not stop calling, if we dint take the call....she wud call on landline many times and the mobiles...i get so much pissed off by her attitude. my husband coming from the same background and knwing teh hardships his parents faced always feels guilty of buying anythin expensive for our house. and when MIL comes home and looks at those thinsg her first reaction is ....i also want this for my home....
    i feel so bad, if her husband and she cudnt afford smthing why is she making us go thru the same. sp when my DH has spent arnd lots of money on them already. whenever MIL needs to buy anything and FIL refuses on grounds of finances, she will staright away call DH and tell him the issue. and he as always will say ok buy it. i ampaying for this.

    this behaviour could have been acceptable only if she wud have supported her in laws, rather my FIL's father was left to live his life in an old age home and my mil cudnt handle his alzeimers. teh irony is he gave the house my In laws are staying in . finally my FIL are 4 bro and 2 sis , tehyoungest sis agreed to keep the granddad and that too for a sum of money which all bros give her every month. this is ****ty.

    i have never seen this behavious in my family and cud not bear it. sp when me and DH are not finanacially dependent on them .

    please suggest how to handle this self centered female


  9. #9
    barren is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: manupilative mother in law, insensitive husband

    deleted deleted

    Last edited by barren; 17th January 2013 at 12:26 PM.

  10. #10
    barren is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: manupilative mother in law, insensitive husband

    Quote Originally Posted by prihar View Post
    Hello Barren,
    I am neither going to give you any -ve ideas nor am I going to ask you to keep your mouth shut and suffer.i have been through exactly the same problem...money sucking, orthodox and selfish in laws,husband who loved me but didn't have courage to stand up.It's going to be 2 years since we got married and I turned the situation around to be under my control.As a result I am not only doing well in my personal life but very well professionally to.

    I would say:
    1. First turn a deaf ears to people who say listen and ignore. By ignoring what your inlaws particularly the MIL blabber you are just allowing her to do damage to you. Even if you give your life for these folks they will never respect you so its better you give back to her in an educated manner....
    I am also an educated modern girl belonging to a rich family but coz of the values given by my parents I kept my mouth shut and ignored myMILs blabber in the begining.However ignoring worsened the situation n she made me go mad...so I turned completely defiant ...I flatly refused things that she asked from my parents or any stupid traditions that I did not believe in and told her flatly that its my life and I will live it my way....
    I know these things might sound a little too much but believe me if you refuse to do things that you do not beileve in it will strengthen your confidence and you will be happy instead of being depressed...ultimately if you are happy your marriage will improve....
    I had almost gone into depression and was thinking of seperation when I decided to stand up for myself...so my mil seeing a strong dil suddenly turned meek and today is even scared to utter things that I do not like or believe in....I also did another thing...I simply stopped calling or talking to her....this continued for months till she started calling....so when she would call I would keep the talk to minimum either excusing myself or just by not talking much....
    Also since my husband was caught between us I decided to straighten it out with my mil...I flatly told her that I had a modern upbringing and I am a career women and I do not like what she asks me to...as a result she herself stopped bugging me.....

    2. You are a manger and the way you are at work you have be like that in personal life too....you can't have dual personalities....it will eat you up.....

    3. The fact that your husband doesn't communicate with your parents is saddening but I will say keep your expectations as low as possible....my husband was the same so I never asked him to talk to my parents or anything but if wanted my parents to come I would not ask him but tell him after all I pay half the rent and bills...he is not going ask me if his parents should come or not....he will tell me so I did the same....n tadaaaaa....after spending time with my parents he started loving them....
    So you shouldn't ask him but tell him

    4. Stock your savings well and do not share with dh...money is powerful...he will have at the back of his mind that his wife has done so much of saving and he hasn't saved that much yet...you know male ego....

    5. Plan a trip with your dh...it was vacations that brought us close and helped to heal the broken bonds....

    6. Keep yourself very busy by going to gym or shopping or working....once your dh doesn't get to see he will realize your value....

    7. I read a lot of spiritual books to keep myself motivated and happy and it really helped me....I learnt to meditate n keep myself calm...I learnt forget maybe not to forgive....but I did all this for myself...to keep myself happy...
    Similarly if you learn to stay happy on your own your marriage n relations will improve....

    Be strong always....dominant and defiant and I am sure you will surpass this phase...it's just a phase...if you love your husband and believe in the marriage then don't give up....turn things around and I am sure you will have a very happy life....
    problem with gifts is that - MILcomplains only to hubby , who dioesnt say aything at the moment but his anger gets piled up and comes out after 4 months. and it becomes diff for me to place the cause of his anger. when i sit and back track i realize its teh seed mil planted long back. teh worst is he wud never agree to tht.

    at the time of my mrg, as we all are working , i was running post to pillar to the arranegemnts along with my family but my FIL states, u didnt do it in a gud manner. ironically this was the best arrangement done in his entire clan and he still commented. flg this i cud not get any dresses made for myself and thot tht its nto req as i wud be stayign with DH in bbay. thn for the freq visits to his home when i needed suits to be stiched i insisted him to accompany me, MIL says why didnt u get clothes from ur house. u have got so many suit peices why dnt u egt them stiched. i was so damn hurt. no working and self respecting female who has left the job for mrg can hear those words. whn i indicate her tht coz DH has to give money for ur house and DD wedding so we are running low on finances and cnt plan baby she says- how much money do u need. while teh fact is taht she is the money sucker not me....DH never stands up for me and never scold his mum for being so mean. he just tells me to ignore. now when i ignore her, she goes ahead and tells everyone in her clan abt wht she considers to be shortcomings..

    how to handle this propagating efect

    also , when i choose not to talk to her DH they cal him and insist on talkin to me, the conv howeevr short ruins my mood and makes me go in recursion of old events



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