In-laws verbally abusive and intruding.

hi ladies,

i've read your posts for a while now, this is my 1st time posting. i have a big problem, and i admire the advice you've given others, if you can, please help me too.

i've been married to DH since 2007, love marriage. i'm 20, DH is 32. the problem is, last year my inlaws came and stayed for four months. i like them and try to please them, but it's very hard for DH and me. i'm a full time student and he's working but his job at a c-store pays very less. the inlaws demand money, last time $1,000 cash plus clothes, dinner out, entertainment, etc for 4 months straight, total came to more than $5,000. If we had the money, I would give to them, but we don't.

they stayed with us in our 1 bedroom apartment starting from two week before we were married. when my husband went to work, they kept telling me about my DH's ex-wife... her favorite colors, how she dressed, how pretty she was, even about the honeymoon suite that they got her and my DH. they go on and on about how in love my DH was with her. last time there was another indian girl accross the street from us, i offered to take them anywhere they wanted to go, but they never wanted to go with me, only with the girl accross the street.

my mil kept telling me that DH and i should divorce, that hurt very much. when me and DH were talking in bedroom she burst through the door and tried to hit me. DH said nothing to her.

Every month the phone bill would come in $150 over due to mil and she wanted to go shopping every day. I had to stay in my room for sometimes two days at a time, and my DH would bring me my dinner, it was like prison. I wanted to kill myself, but didn't want my family to suffer.

During that time I got a job to help with the expenses they were causing, I had to drop out of classes at school and I lost my scholarship. Now I'm back in school full time, I can't handle a job too. Without even asking me, my DH invited his parents to stay with us again next month. We have no money whatsoever, I don't know what to do. He doesn't view them as a burden, he views them as a gift. Because of money problems we don't even have children or a house, yet he's willing to give everything to them.

Last time they would talk bad about me on the other side of our bedroom door, calling me mad, crazy, slut, sometimes DH would ask them to stop, but still they kept talking about me. They threatened to send me back to my family if I didn't do what they told me to do, they are very bold in the way they talk to me.

My DH is so tired from work, all he wanted was a vaccation this summer, but now all of our money will go to them. They drink all day long when they are here and say hurtful things to me day in and day out. They used to yell abusive things at me very loud, so much that neighbors complained to the apartment complex managers about them, and they were told they had to leave, or else DH would have let them stay forever.

Apartment complex told that if we have anyone over for more than 2 weeks, we'll be evicted and fined. Still my DH is letting them come for many months. I'm so stressed out. Last time I was stupid for considering suicide, now I'm considering divorce. Everything was fine at home between DH and me until he told me they were coming, now everything is bad. I'm so so sad. I love my husband but cant' live like this for the rest of my life. Last year when this happened my husband took their side and called me a whore, prostitute, and told me to f-off.

my family hates his family for what they do to me. i try so hard to make them happy, but they ask more of us than what we can give.

what should I do? how can i keep them from coming? i'm scared to talk to my DH about this, he blows up at me whenever I talk to him about his parents. before marriage my DH never told me life would be like this, he knew i liked to live an independent life. when my DH had arranged marriage to ex-wife, the inlaws never went to their house, not even once in 3 years. but with us, they come every year from india and tourture me. why? my DH is mba educated in india, very modern in every other way. he said he always wanted a modern educated and independent wife. so why does he put me through this?

i have lost all my dreams of having a house or a family with my DH because all of our money goes to them when they come. for the record, my inlaws own several very well known businesses in india and do not need money. i left my family against their wishes to marry my DH. i gave up a wealthy lifestyle, my friends, everything to be with him, i loved him so much i would do anything for him. so why can't he tell his parents "no"?

sorry for the long post, i'm at my breaking point. please help me.

Hmm..
Lot of loose links in the story..

- How did you meet this guy in first place? Were you working in India? What was the reason for going for 12 years older guy?

- What studies you are doing? What is your current education level? Can you seek a H1 visa for yourself ?

- What reasons they have told you about previous divorce? Is there any way you can meet ex-wife yourself?


Now here is advice with whatever knowledge I could draw :

You should tell your parents everything. Leave everything and go back to India. Dont tell your husband about your plans to go to India until you are with your parents.
You dont have to get into legal mess and other stuff , but how the events turn from there. What I feel , your husband and his whole family has taken you for granted forever. I seriously doubt their intentions after reading scary things like, "being in one room for two days", "Abusing verbally". You are just 20 years old. I would suggest to leave this guy, and proceed further with your life. It seems you have been duped in love. We all take some decisions in life, which backfire. But only sensible thing to do from there is , release yourself from mud of flithy relations, Cleanse your self with healing times and go forward with life. I dont see a reason to continue to work this marriage. You dont know what the intentions of whole family.
In such a scenario, your first priority should be to safeguard your being and then safeguard your own future. I dont feel you are safe there. Be with your parents, work for your career and give yourself few years to heal from this nightmare.

Life is not all about one bad decision. I hope you find strength and courage to deal with this.

Best wishes
Ria

Ria,

Thanks for your reply, but first let me tell you more about myself and then see if it makes a difference...

I'm not from India... so there's no going anywhere for me. I met my husband after his divorce from ex-wife. They said she was "a slut"... sounds familiar. She had filed restraining order against DH for violence. She was a CPA, living in a town not too far away. Now she is in NY, but I have her address, do you think I should contact her and ask what happened? one time my DH let it slip that she had a hard time with his parents too and money issues. After they divorced, his status ran out because he basically gave up on life and was very angry and did not renew his H1B. He married me.... and got a greencard, I'm a U.S. citizen. Strangely enough I'm also going for my CPA as I'm an accounting student, 2nd year.

Before marriage I never used to be a fearful person, but I've been so harrassed and abused by these people I'm scared that somehow MIL, FIL, or DH or SIL might come accross what I'm writing and recognize me.

I can't even sleep at night knowing they are coming here. Now that I don't have money to give them my husband is going to be very upset with me. I can't divorce him, it would be such an embarassment to go home as it was my choice to leave in the first place.

like I said, I married him because I loved him so much. but i guess it's not love if the other person treats you so badly. home should be a safe place, not a place where you fear for your life. even when i wanted to take a shower, they would run in the bathroom first and let the hot water run until there was nothing left but freezing water. i had a pet and they didn't like it and made me give it away to the humane society.
the worst though is how they go on and on glorifying the ex, telling how her and my DH were trying to have children, how they bought a home, how he loved her more than anyone else.

is divorce really the right option? will my husband never change and stick up for me? how can i keep them from coming here? should i tell them myself I don't want them to come? they've told me before i have no say in anything because it's their sons apartment, not mine... even though we're both on the lease, both call this place home.

Originally Posted by asuitablegirl

Ria,

Thanks for your reply, but first let me tell you more about myself and then see if it makes a difference...

I'm not from India... so there's no going anywhere for me. I met my husband after his divorce from ex-wife. They said she was "a slut"... sounds familiar. She had filed restraining order against DH for violence. She was a CPA, living in a town not too far away. Now she is in NY, but I have her address, do you think I should contact her and ask what happened? one time my DH let it slip that she had a hard time with his parents too and money issues. After they divorced, his status ran out because he basically gave up on life and was very angry and did not renew his H1B. He married me.... and got a greencard, I'm a U.S. citizen. Strangely enough I'm also going for my CPA as I'm an accounting student, 2nd year.

Before marriage I never used to be a fearful person, but I've been so harrassed and abused by these people I'm scared that somehow MIL, FIL, or DH or SIL might come accross what I'm writing and recognize me.

I can't even sleep at night knowing they are coming here. Now that I don't have money to give them my husband is going to be very upset with me. I can't divorce him, it would be such an embarassment to go home as it was my choice to leave in the first place.

like I said, I married him because I loved him so much. but i guess it's not love if the other person treats you so badly. home should be a safe place, not a place where you fear for your life. even when i wanted to take a shower, they would run in the bathroom first and let the hot water run until there was nothing left but freezing water. i had a pet and they didn't like it and made me give it away to the humane society.
the worst though is how they go on and on glorifying the ex, telling how her and my DH were trying to have children, how they bought a home, how he loved her more than anyone else.

is divorce really the right option? will my husband never change and stick up for me? how can i keep them from coming here? should i tell them myself I don't want them to come? they've told me before i have no say in anything because it's their sons apartment, not mine... even though we're both on the lease, both call this place home.

Definitely you need to stand up for yourself. Your husband and in laws are walking all over you. Let me tell u i have been where u are now. For 3 yrs.After that I looked up and took an action. Your husband is taking an easy way out of all this. Your in laws seem very cruel. Your husband is only inviting your in laws becoz he feels he can again walk all over you as on their earlier trip.
I sincerely think you should speak to your husband's ex to know exactly what happened in her marriage.means your in laws involvement and husband's behaviour.
Just walk out of the place if your in laws start abusing you. Do it 3-4 times. Still if they continue doing it tell them you wont take it.Try to tell them mildly you can seek legal help in such situations.Do not extend any monetary help to your husband in their visit. If he abuses for this reason calmly tell him you are feeling bogged down with school and work and wouldnt like to spend all the money earned in one go just for this reason but save for emergencies.You need to build some courage and be bold in tackling in laws and husband in this case.It did help me when I tackled an almost similar situation 2 yrs back.Try it best of luck.

I see. Then your options are much wider.
My advice would be to stay away and think again about the whole thing. Having one to one meeting with ex-wife will give you her side of story. Since she is out of this person's life, I dont see a reason for her to mislead you. If you feel writing here may land you in trouble. Feel free to send private message to anyone here. I think "Soaringspirit" also can guide you good. (You will see 'private message' link on right side top corner below your loginName)

I personally feel, sharing everything with family will relieve you from double guilt. You are currently holding yourself responsible for your situation and also for your parent's possible grief. Parents are best advisors you will get in your life. Since they nourish and grow you in a adult, they will see through it that their 20 years of ordeal does not end up commiting suicide. We always undermine our own people's capability and endurance. I can bet you, no parent will hold a grudge against suffering kid.

Doing mean things like locking you in room and draining hot water are just scaring me. You dont know how mean people could be. We come from a normal background and we think all are like us. But not everybody is blessed with good background and good mentality. My personal thought would be , such a person will not change. I see some fishy planning going on here. And I personally feel any love which is one sided is only invite for more troubles. I dont think your husband loves you. No person who loves will behave this way.

If I were you, I would give myself some months away from whole relation. If you have some female friends you can stay with. Take help from them. Last thing, you should do is, try to win them and change them. They had already spoilt his ex-wife's life. So you can estimate how important their son's wife is to them.

Ria

thank you Ria and Chocolate... tonight I told my husband it would be best if they didn't come, and he exploded at me at first, but now he's calmed down and told them not to come, so now they probably won't be here until December. at least i've bought some time. both of your advice is very good and has given me courage to be strong. the only thing is, do you think if i contacted ex-wife she would contact my inlaws or my husband and ask why i'm contacting her? this would be worst case scenario.

i think in his heart DH knows what his parents do isnt right, and i think that's why he stopped them from coming this time. i love him too much, maybe divorce would be best, but i can't imagine being without him.

anyways, thank you again for your help. sometimes it means so much to feel like someone is standing next to you.

Thats good thing for you.
My whole intention is to ensure you find solace and much needed courage. We all would be happy to see you happy in whichever choice you make. Divorce should not be easy choice but the hard one. I personally feel people should keep that as option to make sure they dont feel stuck and trapped forever. If love blossoms and harmony finds its way. Then there should never be question of rethinking.
You dont have to take any extreme decision if you dont think the need of it. But be safe and positive. If process of working out marriage makes you feel like killing yourself. Take a step back, re-evaluate everything. Take yourself away from all the circumstances and rethink. Always remember marriage, kids , career or for that matter anything is just to enjoy and explore our being. If the very being is getting endangered, then there is something wrong in the choice.

Wish you best
ria

Dear young lady,

Your issue looks kind off resolved for now...but please be vigilant.I feel you are the only one in love here.Your husband seems to have married you for your status-US Citizen and to save his own status.PLS BE CAREFUL.

Thanks Sunitha, unfortunately I guess only time will tell if I was married for legal status. I hope that isn't the case. My husband is good to me in every other way except when it comes to his parents. They try day in and day out to break us up, they are very nasty people. They have caused divorce for my sil (now remarried), divorce for my DH with his previous wife, and divorce between a cousin of the family (which led to suicide on boys side). They have a very bad reputation for doing things like this. I think to break up a son or daughters marriage takes a certain amount of evil and mental instability. I've decided though I'll no longer be a victim. I told my DH that this is my house too, and his parents are not allowed to come over. Let him shout at me, let him say nasty things to me, I'm done being nice and respectful to his parents. I will tell them to their face they are wrong and that they disgust me. I also told my DH that wife comes first before parents, same way he comes first before my parents. I said if he can't deal with this, he is free to divorce me and go live with his mother. He has not taken me up on that offer, so I guess I have won for now. DH says they might come in December, so I have 11 months to practice saying "NO" again. I think over time I will get better and better at it.

Hey,.. you are so young and its sad that you are facing a problem like this... my the face of it... it looks like your husband married you fr the visa.

I'm no one to judge you...... but with my personal experience i'm telling you, i have a frnd who got married to this guy thinking she was in love with him... but later realised he used her fr citizenship... she was heart broken.

But please do not give up on your studies for anything in the world... you sceamed to be a bright and brave girl... dnt take any kind on voilence on you.. call 911...

Dnt plan for kids.. would be a big mistake... even if your DH insits...

but do give your realationship a thougth...