Tired

Reena26 · Nov 4, 2012

I have been married to my husband for almost 3 years. He is from India where we met and got married. I have lived in the USA for almost 8 years. My husband came to live with me in The USA and we have had a great married life. The only problem is my MIL. She has a very controlling personality and likes things her way. She also keeps on talking all the time but does not listen to others. Most of the time she talks about herself. She is visiting us in the USA along with my FIL. My FIL is a quiet loving person. However my MIL is over bearing with no boundaries. She does things in the Kitchen her way and never gives me space. I have a very opposite personality and don't know how to handle her without upsetting my spouse. He knows how I feel but tells me to just listen and ignore. Sometimes she crosses the line. One day when my spouse was not there, she told me her wish was that we should only have one child. I am suffering from depression and anxiety because I know she will continue to visit. My husband will not do or say anything and we have lost our private time together. I don't know what to do. I am scared that when we have kids, she will take over.

rose8282 · Nov 4, 2012

If your husband cant say anything, why cant you? You can let your opinion be known in a gentle way. Just be calm,cool and say "Dont know what future holds for us". Controlling your kids is something you need to deal with. Its difficult but make up your mind to be strong. Dont be a doormat or you will remain the same always. This depression will consume you. Instead handle it such that you voice your opinion and she knows she cant mess with you. However be tactful. Dont backanswer or it will come to bite you. Hope you understand the fine line between the two ways of dealing with her.
P.S: will she stay with you guys forever?

Stressfull · Nov 4, 2012

dont give any importance to her words never show any reactions on ur face yes its definetly wrong on her part to tell u that she expects only one grand child but she will never have courage to tell before her son but what it matters to u its ur couple decision dont give importance to her words it will only ruin our health & strenghth unless she is not manipulative dont pay heed to her words but make sure she is not playing any double game between u and ur hus but give her the respect but be sure u never give her a chance to ride on u be firm in ur decision and be tactful & smart this is very much necessary for our own peace

between u said u r staying in u.s.a for almost 8 years i think u will have a good friends circles try to enjoy with them if u r working half problem is solved u no need to stay with her 24/7 these r only small things pils say those things just to make u think we r controlling ur life its in ur hands how to take the things if we concentrate on those things unnecessarily u r giving more importance to others cheer up take life into ur hands i think ur dh is a good human only he is important in ur life if things between both of u r good damn care the other things im learning all these now onl give a try u will notice the difference soon

Reena26 · Nov 21, 2014

So it has been a while since I posted and a lot has changed. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy who is now 1 1/2 years old. But the MIL drama got worse. She came to stay for 6 months after he was born. For the first few months I was at my mothers. Then she came. It was hell. She came from India and expected me to do everything in the USA the way it was done In India. I was breastfeeding my son and she made me sleep alone with him and put my husband in another room because he had to work the next day. I woke up with the baby 3 times at night and then she expected me to be the "perfect housewife" like her. She also left me disappointed. She made excuses when she could not do things like rock the baby to sleep. She claimed it was because in India they are used to the ghodiyu for babies. My mum was able to get the baby to sleep so why can't she? She told me repeatedly that the baby never sleeps without mother and I would need my mothers help to stop feeding the baby. This never happened but they would not change their thinking. I got very angry and depressed and still am. Mostly because they want to come to the use for my son but won't change their thinking. My son is us born and will be raised here. I worry how their thinking will affect him. My husband has promised me they will never come more than 2 months but I worry still. I see how they interact with him on Skype. They want to see everything he does and talk to him in a way I am not used to - basically repeating and repeating and talking and talking - like brainwashing. I know it is cultural difference but I don't want my son to suffer. I never did Skype before marriage. What's wrong with phone? They are interfering via Skype, email, Facebook and now my MIL is on whatsapp. It's too much. Even though she is back in India i feel ill. When she was here she even told my parents everything bad about me. Is it not my right to live my way in my own home? She has her home in India. I am going too see a psychiatrist because these problems have torn me apart.

indubalram · Nov 21, 2014

Dear Op,
You should have seen vijaytv Neeya naana show of MILs. Why do they behave such a way. Maybe then you will realize how manipulative they are.

nb25 · Nov 22, 2014

Don't get upset over this. Grow a thick skin. Start talking back without being rude.

MIL: You should have only one kid.
You: Your son wants more. You should talk to him. (She won't)

MIL: You are not a perfect housewife like me.
You: I am a different kind of perfect housewife. Just ask my DH, you will know.

MIL: Baby can't sleep without mother.
You: Really? My mum was able to make baby fall asleep. Anyway, I'll manage.

MIL: Come on Skype.
You: I am busy or tired, baby is asleep, it is feeding time, etc.

Limit the time on Skype. Be unresponsive on FB, Whatsapp and email. Say you check your online accounts rarely, now that you have a child.

Don't let her control your life, even when she is far away.

guesshoo · Nov 23, 2014

Congratulations on your baby. Your MIL has affected you deeply. Some cognitive behavioural therapy (there are free online courses) will help your identify and change your habit of thinking excessively about your ILs even when they aren't around and ruining your own peace. Also learn to figure out which battles you need to fight and which you should turn a blind eye to.

With a child now, you won't have enough time to stay online all day. So all you need to do is learn to ignore calls and messages. When you eventually talk, apologise profusely and explain you have been very busy. Don't elaborate. Keep on saying "busy with stuff" everytime you are asked the question. Be distracted during calls if they annoy you.

Do not worry about your son; he will be fine. You need to make sure that your son is your first priority even when they come. Do everything you need to do for him, enlist your mil to handle the other things like cooking. If she doesn't cook, make a salad and order takeaway. Don't take her taunts to heart and upset yourself; blithely reply, "I do things differently" When they come ensure you have plenty of toddler groups and classes to go to. Then continue enjoying your time with your little one.

Anything that isn't her business, just say, "I'll handle it my way." And lead your own life without worrying / bothering about her

Rihana · Nov 24, 2014

Reena26 said: ↑

My husband has promised me they will never come more than 2 months but I worry still.
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You have reason to worry. That 2 months long visit only is a promise that will be hard to keep. After spending all that money on travel and insurance and trip related shopping, they are not going back in 2 months. The return date will not be fixed before they come. Husband will say, let them come, then we'll see. You'll be in constant tension and anxious about their return date even before they come. Your husband will repeat his vague promise about 2 months only but the return date will not be decided and most likely parents will not know it is only a 2 months long visit.

You have to bring up this 2 months long thing in conversations on and off. Once that is taken care off, attend to how to deal with these 2 months. If your parents' house is near enough, go there for at least two long weekends when in-laws are visiting. Just you and your son.

The past two years seems to have really taken a toll on you. I hate to say this - but with your son at 1 1/2 years age, life only gets more hectic with kid in toddler years - the potty training, reducing nap times of child, and looking after child, and also getting some me-time. You need to take professional help to deal with the past, and also for strategies on the future.

I see how they interact with him on Skype. I never did Skype before marriage. What's wrong with phone? They are interfering via Skype, email, Facebook and now my MIL is on whatsapp. It's too much.
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Skype, FB, whatsapp, each one by itself can cause havoc in even normal life. The trio all together in your life at a time when you are going through this - really bad idea. I would suggest simply quit using Skype and FB. Tell them you only want to talk on regular phone. Let husband handle kid during Skype call. If husband has to make kid talk himself, he might quickly lose interest in skyp'ing. It is not much fun to make a 1 1/2 -2 year old talk on Skype. Just stop using FB for a while - it is a nuisance anyway. On whatsapp, keep in touch only with people you want to. Block the others.

You mentioned you are going to see a psychiatrist. It is good to see that or another professional. But, don't let it become as if the problem is with you. In fact, if you are seeing such a professional, it is foolish to live through the very circumstances that brought these on. If your husband wants a happy wife and mother in the house, he will make sure his parents don't visit at all for a while. He can go to India to meet them.

Another thing to get into husband's head is whether or not his parents need to know that you are seeing a professional.

Reena26 · Apr 8, 2016

Hi Indus ladies! I hope you are all well. Going back to my previous post - my son is almost 3 and wonderful. Since my MIL's last visit, I have taken him to India for a month with my husband. Things are better with my MIL since her last visit. Apparently she has "changed"

Reena26 · Apr 8, 2016

But she still did some past behavior like always calling my son to her whenever he was with me. She never cooked proper food for him but made excuses like we were out so she could not.