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Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad idea

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by whatisaguytodo, Oct 11, 2012.

  1. christine014

    christine014 Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad

    Hi OP,
    You've mentioned a number of times that this wedding or relationship is something you'd never anticipated and that you never thought you'd marry your cousin, so are you sure you're really in love with her? Because if you are, it would be a lot easier for you to understand her side of the story. For a girl who's never really cooked, cleaned and done the regular Indian DIL chores before, getting married and moving in with another family is a BIG deal. I think she realizes how much you're concerned for your mom and sister and every girl has this thought in the back of her mind that if there comes a situation in which the husband has to choose between her and his family, what could be the possible outcome. In case she feels left out in your house she just needs somebody to fall back on. If you had to move in with her and her family after the wedding, don't you think you'd like to have a support system for you in their household? Think about it.
     
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  2. whatisaguytodo

    whatisaguytodo Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad

    I get her side of the story and I wouldn't have a problem with her mother living with us except for the fact she would never listen to what I have to say. Even though I'm paying for the wedding her mother puts her two cents in and doesn't listen at all. She just does whatever she wants. It makes me mad. I'd say something but since she's my aunt I'm biting my tongue and letting them do whatever they want since it's the last time that's ever happening.
     
  3. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad

    Options available:-
    1 Create a separate unit for your MIL in your spacious house so the two Moms never meet.
    2 Let Mom and sis stay in the house, get a driver for your family.
    3 Stay in another apartment with your DW and MIL.
    Maybe your fiancee is saying that her Mom will stay with her because your family is staying with you.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad

    You know you really are coming across as a poor-little-rich-guy. Even if marriage is happening more because it is a to-do on your list rather than pure love, you could be a little less blase (?) about it. It is one thing to be practical, and another to be so cool about it.

    You seem to be quite affluent, pay taxes in three countries, are helpless without an accountant, but are unable to talk frankly with fiancee?

    OK, had to say that. Coming to your problem and thinking about it from your POV only: you have money, we will assume you have (some) looks too :), are young-ish, and by many accounts you are a good catch. The only 'catch' from an Indian perspective is that your mom (and for some time your sister) will be living with you. Why not be upfront about that, and say it plainly to the girl that this is how it is, and her mother living with you guys is not an option. Be prepared to hear a No. If that happens, there are other girls...
     
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  5. foxybeat

    foxybeat Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad

    :rotfl:rotfl:rotfl:rotfl

    It does not work that way SIR.... Once you are married to her, the niece status goes away and the DIL status comes in.

    I say this because I have seen this happen in my family. My cousins married each other (love marriage). The guys mother was the girls father's favorite sister and vice versa. After marriage, the MIL started seeing her as DIL and not niece and she instigated so many fights between the couple in the last 10 years (when she does not even stay with them). I have seen the couple go through many temp separations, fights for months together, even some suicide attempts. It was ugly !! And they are all relatives.
     
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  6. insha

    insha Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad

    Simple just tell her that since your mom is already going to be staying with you,it will create trouble in the family if even her mom lives with you people.

    Explain to her that her mom will need peace at this age and that this idea will not help her mom or you people in the long run..
     
  7. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad

    Why can't her mom stay with her sons...its best to live separately so that it's fair to both of you.
     
  8. jamesbond

    jamesbond New IL'ite

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    Re: Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad

    Letting your financee mother to be with you will not be good, because of her nature, it will simply spoint your family mood and give tension, instead of that let her stay alone or stay with any of her sons as told you can give some money for her expenses
     
  9. sumaramesh

    sumaramesh New IL'ite

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    Re: Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad

    :exactly: You can make it clear to her that she has to live with your mother
    and sister... {taking into consideration that your mom is not in India and Single, And have a sister whose yet to get married, who mite move when shes married, again your mom is alone, so i dont think its very easy for old lady to live all alone in foreign country)...

    And coming to her Mom, you said she has sons. Tell your Fiance, you can only
    have your aunt/her mom for visits but not permanent, and her sons can keep
    her, but you can help financially.
     
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  10. smritisinha

    smritisinha Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Fiancee wants her mother to live with us after we are married.I think it's a bad

    Sometimes it helps if you put your point across in a manner that doesn't hurt the other person and at the same time, your opinion is clear.

    So could you tell her that mom is welcome to join you guys for important festivals, family holidays and days like that. You would not want to stop her from talking to or helping her mom in any way, but since you are traveling most of the days, it would be better if there's not much addition in the family or there can be unnecessary complicated misunderstandings. And while you are there, you would want to spend most time with her rather than her mom.

    If you are determined about it, please do not beat about the bush and let the message across very clearly.
     

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