please help..a depressed DIL

Dear, seems your DH is fully aware of his mom. Since you didnt talk back all these days she was comfortable. Next time if she says she will move tell her you will not stop her. Before that grab some time and talk to your DH.

 

Dear karuna,

You are doing good job in taking care of your family with baby, cooking, cleaning and everything. And the best part is you dont complain. Great dear. Also, your DH seems to be handling the situation sensibly by not fighting with you for his mother. Just one time talk to your DH that you cant take anymore. And you ar enot complaining but just informing about the happening. And tell that you dont want to have any fight between you just coz of her complaints.

You dont have to take any crappy things from your MIL. If she says anything you have to respond to her then and there otherwise you will build frustration and anger against her. You have written that she interfere when you are on call with your family. Who the hell is she to stop you from calling your parents? Are you a machine to work whole day? So what if clothes are not arranged properly.You dont have to excel in cleaning and arranging. Let the almirah, cupboards be messy.Priortise things.Add your ME time, WE time and play with baby time in your
priority list.

I dont want give gyan on how to do and when to do as you are doing really excellent job with career and family and of course the nagging MIL.

 

hi me too in same situation............
my MIL too uses me as assistant. I too posted to indusladies about my difficulties. many ilites have responded to have patience ... and i am working on that...
luckily you are atleast working dear, where as I am here only...
I have back answered my Mil, which is costly affair I realize. it only spoiled my relatonship with my husband....
in my case too FIL expired, and MIL is really smart woman...
my husband is her only son, (sil s are married and in India)...
I also dont have freedom of anything..
my mil too comes everywhere........... no time spending bw me and my husband...
she comes in bw me and my baby too.. same as your situation...
i am also frustrated like you...
but I recommend you not to back answer her, keep minimum relation with her.
regards
resmi

 

Really...such posts make me wonder how some husbands totally take their wives for granted. Your DH expects you to be polite and take care of MIL and yet he turns a blind eye to what you have to go through.

First of all, I want to tell you that you must not forgo the right of a mother...that is to feed your baby. It is absolutely normal for new moms and babies to face some blocks while feeding. This does not mean that anyone else, even your H can take your baby away saying that you do not know how to feed. (On that note, ask MIL to try feeding your DD and "teach" you how to feed. Let us see whether your DD troubles then. Am half-joking)
You can lock yourself in a room with your baby and feed her. Do not bother about MIL...she will get used to it gradually.

You better start tackling this situation now or it will only get worse with time.
You already have a LOT on your plate-work, baby, chores, MIL etc.

I would suggest that on a weekend when everyone is relatively free, call your MIL and H for a discussion. CALMLY say that you are very grateful to MIL for taking care of DD while you are at work, and that you like how she gets grandma's love and care. In the same CALM tone, explain that you really want to take care of her, but have some limitations because you are working. Tell her that you might not be able to follow the methods specified by her to do this as you have time constraints, but she can be rest assured that she will be taken care of by DIL. Stress that you want to do this with all your heart. And that you are sorry if anything you said/did hurt her and you never intended any harm.
Make sure your H is also part of this discussion. STAY CALM no matter what she says. If she tries to pick a fight, STAY CALM. Your H will realize that you are behaving maturely while his mom is the one misunderstanding things. He may not say it but it will definitely remove any apprehensions if any in his mind with regard to your intention to take care of his mom.

After that, remain calm whatever she says and do things your way.

 

Look Karuna, don't bother with all this drama. Wait and watch a little bit as to how it plays out. If it gets really out of hand, you can try managing it but otherwise just see if she is just making empty threats.

I will give you an example. I had a baby. My MIL made sure she comes to my delivery and not my mom. Anyhow, she was here and sometimes would do things that upset us. I would let everything slide but my husband retorted once or twice when provoked too much. That too it was no big deal really, he just answered irritatingly. But she declares that she is going back immediately. I work too. She had not let me put my son in daycare saying she is here to take care of him so he should be with her. Finding daycare instantaneously is not easy, that too for such a young infant.
Anyhow, this was the first time in our relationship I was really angry at her behavior. She has done things other times but emotional blackmail is just wrong. You know what, we told her its okay. We care for her but its her decision and that she is not to worry about my baby's care. All other moms manage it so will I. I just told my husband to talk to her and not let her go angry but otherwise I would not plead for her to say and apologize where I am not wrong. She played all this drama, where my Fil called and makes excuse of why she should come back immediately. When until after a day she sees that we are not responding in the way she expected - groveling at her feet not to leave, she switched her words and said I cannot think of that poor kid alone and all I wanted is for my son to come to me and say mom please don't go. We still didn't say that. But she stayed. I tried hard for us to behave normally and was a gracious host rest of her stay. But even now when I think about that incident, I feel that burn.

I think your MIL is emotionally blackmailing you. She knows both of you work and this would be your pain point. You have to be tactful to steer it in correct direction. Without making yourself or your husband the bad person, drive a strong point in to her that these stupid tactics won't work.

 

hi..me too in smae situation and can understand your situation...But i am also helpless..i am tired of listening full day gyan

 

hai karuna , reshmiji, some othrers wo relate to this situation,

u can check my earlier posts, yep sailing in same boat,

married for 10 long years , and suffering with mil from 9 years..totally , 1 year was lost immediate after marriage may be...the bliss of married life..

my present situation is maid for the home, if she tells the menu i have to follow that, she expects me to ask her money if paper boy comes for monthly pay...mil and husband sits in front seat of the car and i have to sit back with my kids, if i get angry i have to stay at home but they both will go saying bank work of mil....and come late home...

im showing ur future if u stay calm this is going to happen................
so all my patience has gone just started avoiding even hubby as i feel that he is playing doublegame to keep me calm....even if she asks im mtotally prepared to reply her bluntly......becoz i lost all the respect for her, as she tore my photos in 2 incidents when i was not in the house......

i feel ur same sentimental fool as all of us....that mils r head ofthe family, if wereply them husbands will get angry and avoid us...so we will start getting adjusted to the life
firstly try to think this way.
1. she has to depend on u in future....not u.
2. when ur unconfortable u try to reverse the situations.
e.g. my mil and hubby eats in hall and i will take my dd into the room so that she doesnt disturb them...my mil washes only hers and my dh vessels after eating leaving all other vessels. i felt very depressed and started eating the same vessel eaten by my dh whisch she washed.... so now she was shocked that if she washes i will eat in that...either way tit for tat....afterall how come mils r so possessive about silly things.
3.dont leave ur dh and mil together even for 1 second asmuch as possible..i know we get pissed of their crirticizing dialogues which they leave so that we leave that place .( if u leave like that it is going to be danger to ur future...from personal experience)\
4. first prioritise ur feelings which makes u happy...and get hold of all te things and mainly first of all get hold of ur baby.

and all these things will work when u totally confirm that ur husband is trying to balance but cannot find a solution for it...dont tell any complaints about ur mil directly to ur dh....give her replies whenever possible.... and when ur dh asks tell him that u didnt say it...

i know , it will be tough for us to do these things but we have to...im in learning period...i have no regrets about playing games with these types of mils . they r totally ruling our lives....wheich will make us depressed and health will get ruined....then think about our kids....who will take care......so try to express ur feelings whichever possible way coolly.. so that we r helped ourselves to atleast think about our kids and future of them....


let me know after reading my posts what u feel....
i feel these r life phase until we become bold, once we become no one can touch our minds.....its my experience.

 

karuna,

I support your thinking. MIL's continue taunts either ways, when you are patient or when you backanswer.
Its better to concentrate on your health.