India Trip to attend Sister's wedding --- Suggestions wanted to say 'no' to in-laws

Hi ILs,
I have recently joined IL and since then i have been going through various post and really find all the suggestions from the other ILs very helpful. I hope u will give a good suggestion as I am in a big fix.
My sister's marriage is on Feb 15th and I'm going to India for just 12 days as I was not approved more vacation time. I'm starting from here on 9th and shall reach there on 10th. And on 11th is my bday and my sister already has big plans for my bday. Then on 13th we have a ceremony called pellikuturu chestam(i.e. make my sister bride) and on 15th is the marriage. And on 16 is satayanarayana puja and on 17th is the reception. Then on 19th there is another ceremony. And also i have plans of big shopping as I'm going to india after 2 years.
My prob is my parents stay in hyderabad and my in-laws in kakinada a place little further from hyd. And my in-laws have been telling me from day one that I shd stay in kakinada....they are not understanding even when i'm saying that i'm coming to attend my sister's marriage. Also my husband cant make to the marriage since he is doing his MBA. And similar situation with my younger brother who is doing his masters and he has his mid terms during that time. I'm asking my husband to explain to my in-laws that i cant stay this time but shall def stay next time..but he is scared to tell them as their father is very short-tempered and starts shouting....thts y even i'm scared of telling 'no' to them. I have a good impression with my in-laws and i dont want to argue over this with them.....also this is my first visit after my marriage. I'm now in such a situation where i'm feeling why i'm going to india and breaking my head over this .....but i really really want to attend my sister's marriage. Any advice pls suggest to me and help me get out of this fix.

-Priya

hi dear

U r in a real fix. I can totally understand ur situation. In laws always think that when they get a daughter in law she should forget her family and stay with them always. They dont understand our situation and how our parents would feel if we are not there. Well certainly u cannot miss ur sisters wedding coz its once in a life time thing. My suggestion is why dont u make a pact saying that u will stay with them for one or two days before or after marriage and then next time u will stay with them the whole vacation. U have to muster up courage and ask them. It is not like u r just going for a casual visit. Its ur sisters wedding and u have to be present there. Dont worry even if they get angry u can pacify them later. Tell me about one MIL or FIL who have never been angry with their DIL. But u cannot miss ur sisters wedding.

Or u can do one thing ask ur parents permission and make ur in laws stay with u in ur parents place the whole time u r there if its not uncomfortable for u or ur parents. U can be with them and at the same time u will not miss ur parents too. Any ways dont worry and be brave and ask ur in laws that u want to stay with ur parents. Its atleast worth a shot. All the best.

regards
rakshantha

Hi Priya

i have gone thru many such situations n i hv always chosen my in laws..but today i repend.. its been 6yr i am married n i hv done every possible thing to satisfy them or do things they would feel happy... but u cannot or i should say u can NEVER make them happy... so dont worry go ahead with ur plans n stay by your sister she needs u..

and about ur inlaws staying with u during wedding..Pls this is my personnal experience again u will be in more fix coz u cannot concentrate on wedding nor u can give more time to ur inlaws

the best thing is after marriage n before u go back visit them n stay for fews days if u can.. but no compromise with wedding... here husbands will never help us..they never want to a bad son in front of their parents.. nor dont want to be called joru ka gulam.. got it .. so dont expect him to help.. v have to handle such situations by ourself.

all the best
krn

Dear hydrr,

This is a common problem but it is really tough to handle.
My suggestion is have a serious one on one talk with ur husband.He is the first person who should understand ur predicament and from there the sailing will be better.But I feel ur priority during the visit must be ur sister's marriage but do visit ur in laws.1 more thing,ur in laws will definetly be coming to ur sister's marriage right then also u can spend time with them.
As others have mentioned the first time itself be assertive.
See girl u are not ignoring them,nor insulting them in anyway.U have v less time there & want to fully enjoy the occasion.So u r not doing anything wrong.
I faced the same issue when i visited india for the first time after marriage.My God,my in laws created so much fuss that i had to stay with them alone and not even go to my parents house.Initially i was shocked as to what to do now.Then I told them politely but v firmly that I shall first go to my parents house and later when my husband came on visit shall come there & stay with them.
Sometimes we have to take a stand,no need to be rude or anything.Talk to ur husband and then to ur in laws.

Suji

Hi Dear,
Yeah all other has advised you well, so nothing more to speak.....Raksantha has given you a good option to ask ur In laws to come for the marriage to stay with you......
you know, my in-laws are good......never complained on anything but I had just returned from my india trip and I saw that they had expected me to stay at their place forever and visit my parents for one-two days.
But I told them lovingly that your son will get his parent's love and what abt me, don't I need to stay with my parents for the equal amount of days as your son is staying with you.......then my hubby is always there for my rescue......
One more thing sweetie, be passive to any bad thing they say.......and if I were you, I would stay for one-two days with in-laws first and then come to my parent's place so that they will not feel insecured/bad whatever u say..........
One more thing at first you will be jet-lagged, so you can sleep well at your in-laws place peacefully and then come afresh to attain ur sister's marriage.......
May be I am sounding crooked here but dear....what is the harm if you can satisfy all without damaging ur interest........
Bye.....

Dear Meeta,

U r lucky there that u got to sleep well at in laws place.
My in laws used to wake me up at 5.30 in the morning irrespective of what time I slept at night (sometimes 1 or 2 am!!!) & jet lag & everything.All the others in the house could sleep till 8 & beyond but not the dil
I used to be sleepy and feel sick through out the day then.
Just thought of sharing...
Suji

a tricky situation, indeed! first time trip to india, short leave and sister's wedding... hmmm.... looking at your schedule looks like you'll just have time for the wedding preparations. and imagine this is the last good time you'll get to spend with your sister before her marriage:) i'd suggest why don't you ask your parents to talk to your in-laws and explain the situation. you can't please everyone, suji! and besides i don't think your fil can show his short-temper on your father;) i hope you do win the situation and enjoy your stay in india... good luck!

Hi, all,
I am brand new to IL and very happy to become part of this great group!
This is my very first post-a reply and I am laughing ...
Cracking up!
Why? Because look girls, I am 60 years old and still grappling with this 'spending time with in-laws [when you already have very little time]' issue!
Does it EVER go away?
I too just returned from a trip back to India after a decade and this very same issue propped up as it always does and will ...My mother & Father in law are long gone, as are my parents-it is now just my aging syblings sister and brothers in law. i.e., the ones that are still there. My husband and I decide how long we will be spending at each center of our visit and try to be fair to both sides. Even so, each of us will always feel like spending the most time with our own especially after a long separation, won't we?! And, we do. The best solution is to look at it from the other person's perspective in order not to get emotional and angry about it but then to satisfy yourself first and then the others. You and your husband must chalk out a plan that is fair to yourselves, and follow it, everyone else will abide by it-they will simply have no other choice. Lots of luck! love and Bon Voyage!

Be sure to spend the maximum time helping your sister embark on her own journey towards this and other such blissful issues of 'married life!'
I am still roaring with laughter!

I disagree with some of the ladies in here. Correct me if I am wrong or misread your posts. First, you should always visit your inlaws first when coming to India, ofcourse your sister's wedding is important but by visiting your inlaws first, especially this is your first time coming to India after marriage, shows that you are respectful to your inlaws. This will lay a positive impression toward you with them, attend your sister important function that can't be missed like reception but do spend sometime with them.

It's so natural for DIL like us to think that inlaw always want to control us but do step in their shoes for once and look at things in a more positive way. By doing this, you are getting respect from your husband, IL and things will be much better for you in the long run.

I will give you example in my family, all of my aunts who marries my uncle always come to stay at my grandmother house for 7 days or so first before staying at their own house.

dear Jasmine, we all (i suppose) agree with your opinion. The only problem is the in-laws (in most of our cases) do fail to put themselves in our shoes... that's the issue. Ofcourse in suji's case it's different since it's her first time and i think for any girl in her situation (first time visiting home after 2 yrs,sister's marriage) it's a bit emotional and she doesn't want to miss any function related to the wedding. I'll give you my case as example.. i'm married for 7 yrs (no in month will be 8 yrs). my parents and in-laws live just 2 kms away. first time i went home i landed only in my in-laws place (we were there for 2 weeks vacation). after couple of days i gently asked my fil if i can spend sometime with my parents (also close to end of our vacation my grandfather's first death anniversary was to be performed... so my family very much liked me to be there). he refused saying a girl after marriage shouldn't spend more than a day with her parents. and he would all the time control whether i drink coffee or eat tiffin whenever we (me and hubby) drop by my parents. he just couldn't understand my feelings (despite my requests) that i'll like to spend few days n nights with my parents. the same thing happened for couple of more years (i was hopeful that once we get to know each other things will change). no mother tells her daughter oh don't land in your in-laws place come over here directly. only some in-laws behaviour frustrates us and we want to forego these so called 'traditions'. so these days i don't even ask my fil or mil. me n my husband chart out our stay plan and i just inform him. this seems to work better. this is my humble opinion out of experience.