MIL makes me sick.

Hi all,

I know these things happen everywhere..but feel sick when you keep to your self for a long time.Just wanted to tell someone .


It takes time to win the hearts of everyone after marriage.It took me nearly 2 years,but still now after 7 years also couldn’t make my MIL happy. At first whatever she did,I felt was out of care and to teach me.Soon after my marriage,my DH told me that his brother(married with a kid) doesnot treat his parents properly.They live separately and just visit on occasions.I just took it light, enjoyed my honeymoon and came to Dubai.First 2 years when we went to India ,it was fine as I did not know about politics in the house. I became good friends with my BILs family.

MIL would go out saying some important work leaving me alone to do the whole chores. She would not allow me to go out alone.She would always come with me even when i have to visit my friends. Even if sometimes I would go(just 2 blocks to get medicines or some odd thing) she would create a scene at night in front of my DH and FIL saying she was nearly getting a heart attack waiting for me.Then my husband would start a long speech for me.First ,I felt this was her love and care for me.She very well knows how to turn the table into her favor,which she always does.
She had started complaining about me to all the relatives that we donot take her out on holidays,which is not true. She complained about not taking her with us on our honeymoon too.I once even overheard her speaking ill about me to the maid.She tells everyone that,she has to take my permission to do anything.
But my MIL does whatever she wants and makes my DH agree it..let it be purchasing of a house,gold or anything. She says all the good things happen because of her and if someone praises me for something she will just turn it into her favour. We don’t have children yet and she blames me for that ,inspite of the knowledge that I am perfectly fine. She would even object on my dresses and go through my things.MIL always wants what I have.Before I used to give her everything and used to fight with my DH to get best things for her.Slowly I came to know that because of her nature my BIL lived far.
She would never behave odd infront of anyone.She would act as if,she treats me like a queen. I told my husband many times,but he would just not care or shout at me.I would console myself saying that I have a very good DH .I think all the frustration had got built for these years and there was a sudden volcanic eruption. Once when I was in India,I spoke harshly with my MIL when no one was around.I fought so much and had so much of anger that had felt like killing her. She told to all the family members and my parents.No one told me anything though …

I avoid going to India.Still have to then it is short. Now she never leaves a chance to make me look guilty in front of my DH. My DH shouts at me if I say anything to him.His brother has also told him many times.My MIL behaves good in front of my DH as he takes care of the family and everything. I get frustrated and behave rudely with everyone.Now my Inlaws are coming to Dubai. I am really worried.

Lavanya

Hi Lavanya,

After reading your story, my advise to you will be to use tact and diplomacy in handling your mil rather than openly showing your frustration. Stop being scared and fight it head-on. Remember that now she is visiting your house. You are in charge and it should show in your behavior.

Stop telling/complaining to your husband about her behavior. Even if he knows his mom’s weaknesses he will not agree with it in front of you. It is hard for men to openly acknowledge their parent’s fault. So don’t worry about proving to him that his mother is wrong. What will you gain anyway even if he agrees to your complains? Instead, focus your energies on mustering up the courage and the wisdom to tackle this by yourself. Ultimately you are the only one who can resolve your issues.

You don’t have to be mean to your mil neither do you need to start a fight or an argument. But expect her to behave like she has been behaving so far and start thinking on how you will handle it. Keep your cool and stay in control of your emotions. Push back if she demands too much from you. Be smart. If you know that she demands every small thing you have, then don’t show her certain personal things. Keep them under lock and key. This is your house. Also, she is going to be dependent on you and hubby for going out. Take her out sometimes and sometimes you just go by yourself for some work. Here you are responsible for running the household so use this positive factor to buy yourself some down time from her. Be strong in front of her - don’t be helpless. During the day when you are alone with her you will have ample opportunity to show your mettle, use every opportunity to the hilt to show that you will not give into unreasonable demands. Just make yourself unavailable if you see there is no way out (take a long shower, say you have some urgent work and leave the house, invite some friends over etc.).

Sometimes you have to think of ways to dilute the situation rather than trying to deal with it head-on. Other times you have to deal with the situation head-on. Assess every time which path would be appropriate. You don’t want to make it a match every time where one person has to win and other has to lose. Sometimes let it be a draw where neither party wins nor gives in.

What I am trying to get at is, take charge. Focus on yourself and devise your own solutions. Don’t depend on your husband to make things right for you.

Lavanya, remember that in every household this is a woman’s battle and we must fight it ourselves. There are no excuses do not do it because the consequences of inaction are far greater than the pains we have to endure during the battle. And really, it is not that bad at all. All you have to do is assert yourself and use your mind instead of your heart.

So start devising your solutions right NOW! Don’t worry. You will do well.

SS

Excellent advise, I couldn't of put it any better!

Dear lavanya

I completely understand your state of affairs and your apprehension. M too young to give any advise, but wish you all the very best for the coming time.

Dear SS,
your words are true to the core. i really appreciate your thoughts and admire your style of putting them to words. I, like all married women, have my share of problems with in-laws and relations, but i believe your advise should do good to most of us! Thanks.

Charu..

Thanks Charu. Some of the stuff I write comes from things that I learnt the hard way! Just like everyone else I had my share of newly married woes!

If I can help someone not go through the same tough route then I think my experience has been put to good use.

I am glad you can use some of it to help your situation..

SS

Originally Posted by CharuKaur

Dear SS,
your words are true to the core. i really appreciate your thoughts and admire your style of putting them to words. I, like all married women, have my share of problems with in-laws and relations, but i believe your advise should do good to most of us! Thanks.

Charu..

Dear SS,
& thank u so much for ur useful advice...

Thanks Laila and vivbass for the nice words! I am glad some of my advice appealed to you.

SS

Hi Lavanaya

I have gone thru yr problem. Please don't think much about it. One thing which is good on your part that you are not living with her. MIL cannot be a mother and DIL cannot be a daughter,,,,,,,,,,,,,,even both of them do best on their parts. You cannot change others except yourself.........
So, first your relationship with your husband should be very healthy. And most important never talk anything wrong about your MIL with your husband. Second when you are here in India, avoid to spend much time with your MIL, keep yourself busy. Always try to be happy in front of her and ignore if she says anything wrong, please never react. But never forget your duties toward her. Definitely, there will be a day......she will start loving you.

So be cool and try to avoid her negligencies.

Regards and take care

Shivani

I am so surprised that in spite of education girls are still so timid and submissive. Education means to have the courage to stand up to unreasonable demands by anyone. No body owns any one. marriage doesn't mean that girls are the sole property of the in laws. Unfortunately the same mothers who raise daughters to be timid and non assertive also raise sons who are either mama's boys or hen pecked husbands or both ! So it is up to the girls to fight their own battles and be assertive. Education liberates you from the shackles of slavery to all who demand it. So go ahead and live your life with dignity and courage.

Originally Posted by soaringspirit

Hi Lavanya,

After reading your story, my advise to you will be to use tact and diplomacy in handling your mil rather than openly showing your frustration. Stop being scared and fight it head-on. Remember that now she is visiting your house. You are in charge and it should show in your behavior.

Stop telling/complaining to your husband about her behavior. Even if he knows his mom’s weaknesses he will not agree with it in front of you. It is hard for men to openly acknowledge their parent’s fault. So don’t worry about proving to him that his mother is wrong. What will you gain anyway even if he agrees to your complains? Instead, focus your energies on mustering up the courage and the wisdom to tackle this by yourself. Ultimately you are the only one who can resolve your issues.

You don’t have to be mean to your mil neither do you need to start a fight or an argument. But expect her to behave like she has been behaving so far and start thinking on how you will handle it. Keep your cool and stay in control of your emotions. Push back if she demands too much from you. Be smart. If you know that she demands every small thing you have, then don’t show her certain personal things. Keep them under lock and key. This is your house. Also, she is going to be dependent on you and hubby for going out. Take her out sometimes and sometimes you just go by yourself for some work. Here you are responsible for running the household so use this positive factor to buy yourself some down time from her. Be strong in front of her - don’t be helpless. During the day when you are alone with her you will have ample opportunity to show your mettle, use every opportunity to the hilt to show that you will not give into unreasonable demands. Just make yourself unavailable if you see there is no way out (take a long shower, say you have some urgent work and leave the house, invite some friends over etc.).

Sometimes you have to think of ways to dilute the situation rather than trying to deal with it head-on. Other times you have to deal with the situation head-on. Assess every time which path would be appropriate. You don’t want to make it a match every time where one person has to win and other has to lose. Sometimes let it be a draw where neither party wins nor gives in.

What I am trying to get at is, take charge. Focus on yourself and devise your own solutions. Don’t depend on your husband to make things right for you.

Lavanya, remember that in every household this is a woman’s battle and we must fight it ourselves. There are no excuses do not do it because the consequences of inaction are far greater than the pains we have to endure during the battle. And really, it is not that bad at all. All you have to do is assert yourself and use your mind instead of your heart.

So start devising your solutions right NOW! Don’t worry. You will do well.

SS

hey thanks
actually i was also having the same problem ,and was just wondering how to handle the situation ,your advise has given me also allot of courage ,i will also try to do it ,please wish me luck
priya