Help Wanted For Sil's Problem

Dear All,

Iam herewith briefly explaining my sil's problem.

My sil is a qualifed person (MA, B.Ed) done in 1990's she got married in 1991. From the day one her inlaws used to harass her and even hubby the great used to abuse her. After 3years with medical intervention she gave birth to a boy in 1994 the year I got married. From the day I got married, I have observed that there is no understanding between the couple. The husband never listens to any reasons and only listens to his sisters. In 1997, her son suddenly died and the doctors first said it was due to luekamia but that was also not proved. After the death the inlaws behaved with her very badly and even her husband mentally tortured her. During the mourning period of 10 days they abused her and accused her of her fidelity also. This was the last straw for her, she was brought back to her parents house and my laws refused to send her back. She even went for a thorough medical check up so that to rule out possible problem in genetics but after persuasion also her husband failed to undergo the same. Finally, the husband took a transfer after that she joined him. Still his behaviour had not changed. By this time she became pregnant again and gave birth to a boy in 1998. Though they had fights almost every day, she managed to pull along with him only for the sake of the child. Though we advised her to take up any employment, she refused to do so because she didn't want anything to happen to her son. But destiny willed otherwise. In 2003 the child contracted pnuemonia & was hospitalized but recouped. In 2005, suddenly he became serious and was brought to Bangalore in a very dangerous condition and was hospitalized. The doctors could not diagnoize his illness. After 10 days they came to a conclusion, that the boy is suffering from a very serious lung ailment which is incurable. He was discharged & was in high dose of steroids and 24 hrs oxygen though he was quite active. Outsiders seeing him would never believe that he was sick. From that time she is staying with us and the boy had become our total responsibility. We also went out of our way to help him as he was her life. Even during this period his father would visit him occassionally and be a negative influence on the child. like telling him not to keep oxygen and giving him anything to eat as he was on a salt restricted diet this would make it very difficult for the boy. Invariably, he would fall sick & get hospitalised.

Finally in the midlle of Sept, 2007 he was semiconscious and his condition deteriorated and was hospitalised. Doctors had informed us that nothing much can be done and to inform his father. After 3 days the father came to see the child, but by then, by god's grace he had recouped and started talking to us. His first reaction on seeing the child was why did you people call me, when he is still alive. I had thought that he would die ? Hearing him like this we were too shocked to react. but the nights were horrible for the child. Literally two persons had to be sitting awake as his pulse would go down and his oxygen would go down. We took turns to look after him in the process my two small kids were neglected. My little one missed me so much she used to be down with fever/typhoid etc so that she could be just with me and cry the whole night as I would be in the hospital. Though my inlaws and husband were at home (MY Inlaws are in their 80s) Finally he was discharged but our vows didnt end here the night vigil still continued. By sept end, he had an attack of seizure in the early morning and had to be taken to the hospital immediately as he was totally unconscious. We made a mistake of taking him to the nearby hospital for first aid. There as he was not a known case, they put him on ventilator. After that we shifted him to the regular doctor who told us that he has reached his end point. If they remove the ventilator he will pass out in half an hour but if still needed they could try for keeping the same for 3 days. So again the inlaws and father was called. Father took his sweet time to come The inlaws started calling us up and putting pressure so that the ventilator can be removed.and he should die. The main reason for this was also cost. But we were adamant that we should try for 3 days as suggested by the doctor. On the 2nd day he started regaining his consciousness, but the condition was same. Now the dilemma started, if we remove the ventilator we are sure he will pass away but how can we remove when the child is fully conscious. Lo, the father came saw him with out any emotions. Didnt go near the child also and told his wife that his body is full of infections and he doesnt need a child like that. He spoke to the doctors to remove the ventilation and was hell bent on doing the same. He used to tell his wife that he had brought money to do all the rites and not to spend money. With this the mother got very angry and she told him that she would complain to the police that he is harrassing her and doing a mercy killing. In the hospital itslef he hit her and the hospital authorities had to intervene. After this he left, stating that he cannot waste money and time sitting here. He left on thursday and the boy passed away on Friday. After the rituals and immersing his ashes in the river, when they came back to home, my sil was talking to her cousin brother as to how everything went off, For this the husband got so wild and start acusing her character.

After alll this my SIL does't want to go back to him though we support her in all her decisions. She has become very quiet doesn't talk to anybody. After lot of persuasion she has taken up a computer course. Now the inlaws are slowing asking her to come back but she has refused. She is a very soft spoken lady, not able to take any decisions. She has been brought up in a very orthodox, protective way. If we give any suggestios as to she should take up a job or advise her, it sends a negative signal to everybody and my mil starts telling she will not be burden to you people. But we are very worried as my inlaws are already v. old after them what she will do? She confides only with her mother and trust nobody and mother also is not able to advise her positively.

In this situation kindly help by giving your valuable suggestions.

Luv
Lalitha

Thats very very sad story of your SIL. I hope she finds courage to handle all this.

I would say, she should not go back to her ILs and husband. And since she only listens to her mom. I would say refrain from any advice about career or anything. Let some years pass. Time is the only healer in such agonizing conditions.

Your SIL had already been through lot. She should have some time where no one is imposing any will on her. She will heal with time and start looking upwords in life.

Just wait and let her heal.

Regards,
Ria

dear lalitha,
i am really touched to know that there r people like u who do everything to help relatives.its just because of u that there is still hope in this world.
for ur SIL i can suggest let time be the healer.let her mourn in whatever way she wants to.she after all has lost so much in these past yrs.
give her 6 mths more to come out of her grief.meanwhile, do not react to negative words said by ur MIL to u. she poor lady is also worried about her daughter & daughter's future.
u have done so much & that too at the expenses of ur own family .hats off to u.
love
pragati

Hi, It makes me sad to see how people's lives can be affected so much - to misery, by others. And all it takes is one strong decision to avoid situations like these. I know it is not easy to take that one strong decision, especially we women ..being bound with emotions of family, society and cultural upbringing!
Children being sick and dying due to the diseases is unfortunate here..but the fact that any normal husband could have analyzed the situation and could have changed himself, his wife's life and from that may be ..could have made attempts to treat the children with love as long as they were alive & saved them ...well...That should have been ideal!

On other hand, in my weird way of consoling myself (& others) from the grief of knowing about these people, perhaps it is good thing the kids passed away free from the everyday trauma of life from their father & of suffering of their mother! Perhaps God is giving your SIL a new chance to make her life. She is not a loser..but a winner who has been given a second chance to build all together again. Just Marriage and Kids is not life..there is so much to life than that.

If I were your SIL, I will take help of my family and push myself to support myself and help someone else too! I wouldn't want to even dream about the horrible past life, the horrible husband and the in-laws who wouldn't even care to treat me well, when I am in the pain of losing my kids!


My heartfelt sympathies...May God give all your family a breather and courage to pick up from here.

Dear Ria, Pragati & Venonimiss,

Thanks for the prompt reply and giving me your strength and time. As my SIL is already 43yrs my main worry is she may not get a job later as she doen't know much of any office systems. She tells she is totally shattered and wouldn't mind ending her life.

Anyway as everybody says time is the great healer, we cannot force ourselves on her. Just lets wait & see.

Luv
Lalitha

Hi Lalitha,

Your SIL's story is indeed sad...I cannot imagine somebody undergoing so much grief in so short a time...it breaks your heart just listening about it...

I think it would be good if your SIL can go for some grief counseling. I'm sure Bangalore has some good counselors. Pls ask your doctor for referrals. Getting over verbal/physical abuse and grief like losing 2 kids needs a professional touch. Time alone sometimes will not heal. So please get help for her.

She has suffered a lot in her life and obviously your MIL by insisting that she not work is adding to her suffering in a way (coz the best way out of grief is to pour yourself into some kind of work)...

Maybe the counselor might be able to persuade her to start working or volunteering somewhere..

love,
Aarushi

Dear Aarushi,

Thanks for the prompt FB. Sorry for the delay in acknowledging. I am also thinking on terms of a counsellor only. But some people are real hard nuts to crack - same goes with my family also.


Luv
Lalitha

lalitha,

I am really sorry reading your SIL 's story. hope she comes out of it fast...please talk to her...in general..no advice, keep her involved, and also convince your family for counselling..

since she is MA,B.Ed. she can think of joining some school..if she was a teacher before..that experience will still hold good..if she is upto facing kids...
or else she can even take tutions to keep herself engaged and feel she is doing something...

Even working as a volunteer with some ngo's can be therapeutic, mixing with other people.....

will pray for her...

Dear Lalitha,

I will have to admit that the problem is a little too serious. Your sils husband has proved time and again that he is not a worthy guy. And after this much has happened there is every reason your sil will be ill-treated by him and his family. If I am in your sil's place, I would rather avoid living with a heartless person like her husband.


Whatever it is don't ask your sil to take any decision right now. She is just recovering from her shock. Let her find some work. Or some other diversion. First she has to have full confidence in herself. Then only she can take a meaningful decision in this matter.

Once your sil is out of her grief, If you guys want, you can make her stay with you. But a better choice will be like this. Let your sil find a job for herself. Then you find out a house for her near you. Give her all the moral and financial support she needs. But see to it that ultimately she stands on her own legs. She is well-educated. I am sure she can handle her life. After two, three years if her wounds (the ones on her mind and heart) are fully healed, then she can find a partner for herself and start her life afresh.

First post a request for prayer in IL. Then you too start praying for her.
One thing I have to tell you,Lalitha. In all this process, don't neglect your own interest or that of your child or DH.

There is nothing like time to heal all the wounds. I will include your sil in my prayers. God will be very kind to her hereafter.

Love,

Dear Sridhar,

Thanks for the prompt & quick response. I am greatly indebted to you. But one point I think I have forgotten to write or people have missed is - My SIL is already 43 years old and she is not that of a strong character where she can take decisions on her own. She acts according to what her mother says which is driving us against the wall. No matter what we speak it boomrangs on us. We are trying to help her and the same is misunderstood. Though there was a job offer from my friend it was refused because it is 4 - 5 kms from my residence.

I strongly beleive that life gives us problems, situations, difficulties and we have to emerge from it as a more stronger and more matured individual. When life is showing her husband is not that good should she not try atleast now to get up and stand by herself ? And your suggestion of she staying alone - If I suggest the same I am sorry to say that I will be thrown out of the house. Honestly I am telling from the day I got married (almost 13 years over) we have not had peace from her end. Once it is her domestic problem, problem with husband or with the child. We always sympathise with her but sympathies alone cannot help.I really wonder, after my MIL (who is already 75yrs old) what will happen to her as she will not communicate with us also and tell her opinions.