Problem with life need suggestions!! Help!!

Faruzia · Sep 4, 2012

Hello All...i'm new to this site...found very good info to revive myself now.

Here is my problem.

I'm married and got a 7 year old son it was so called love marriage after a long struggle got united. Though I feel it was just infactuation/escapism from my family situation i got away with this person. My family setup was not favourable as my dad was a critic with no one he was good enough so my mom had to live apart from him. I was squeezed in a situation with no parental love. Finally eloped with this person.

After this is the real desert his parents were so awful that i took away their elder son with more siblings behind. Financial status was pathetic that life was total disaster when started 9 years back. We stayed separately. After a long struggle reached a moderate living. All the while the inlaws torture were never ending every min they want their son to be with them. So he will just go there all the time. We never went out romantically, no gifts, no love nothing just a mechanically life with everyone cursing me at his house. He started chit chatting with few girls over phone initially ..when i started arguing it ends up in a big fight. It went on and on and in recent years it became web-video chat..and i became frustrated and stayed apart from him for nearly a year. All the time my relatives took pain to have discussion gave chance for him to rectify. Again same old story...when i couldn't tolerate. I decided to move abroad. I had no source of finance. But somehow i was keen to study master degree. I took my aunt's help to arrange loan and flew to US. He is with his parents and my son is also with them.

Here I successfully completed my course while doing a part-time work in an office. I also met a guy who was very interested in me as he was a divorcee. We started leading life as both were equally devasted in past life. Though I have contact with my hus and son which he knows. Its more than two years now. He is very much interested in doing business but all the more i saw he never gained anything out of it. Now that he doesn't go to work at all and his usual business seems to be out of reach. We both staying in different places. Every month i need to pay his rent and few expenses here and there. Inspite of this now and then hurts badly saying i know definitely u are going to leave me soon. If you have debts its your headache to pay back. I feel so upset because in due course waiting to divorce and marry him. But I have loans to repay and need to get settled. Apart from my office job, i go to different houses cleaning, cooking and babysitting - working all 7 days. I sometimes start work at 7am and reach home only at 9.30nite. He is not bothered about anything...jus at home sleep till late afternoon and then goes to his friend's place most of the days have his regular beer & smoke non-stop. But he is caring and lovable person definitely not like my hus.

Totally confused!! I don't want my hus anymore not knowing how to change this person.

plzz help

chocolate · Sep 4, 2012

OP,First of all you need to get out of this so called relationship. Its not a relationship per say but he is seeing you as a comfortable meal ticket.I sense you are depressed. Instead of all this confusion get away and look for a job seriously.Coming to your marriage, first of all you need to tackle everything head on instead of consoling yourself with so called relationships.Is it possible for you to bring your son and husband.Why do you need to repay this person's debts. This so called debts is just a front of his laziness and milking you for his comfortable life. He wont amount to much and you will be carrying the burden of the house, if you get married to him.Not a great future to look forward too.

See if you can bring your husband and son here. If not possible atleast your son. I dont want to sound harsh, but please break up with this person here. He does not have any feelings for you but using you for himself.Look for job seriously.Dice,Craigslist are good options.This person cant be changed and you shud stop looking in that direction.Good Luck.

Nimbu · Sep 4, 2012

Hello this is a very unpleasant situation...I think for now you need to stop, think and get away. I guess you had taken loans to reach US and/study loans. Please stay firm in your career this will result in financial well being to sort out your debts. This guy seems to be tricky. If you are sure that you would divorce your husband for whatever reasons you had quoted..please remain calm sometime with your focus on your career first. Later you decide if you wish to have your son with you. I guess its much better to be patient instead of rushing for a married life with this guy..Hope to hear back soon with all your problems sorted.

GodIsOne · Sep 4, 2012

Sweetie pie,

Stop spending money on him and you will see as to how soon he will change into a monster from being a caring and loving person. Get it girl!!! He is taking advantage of you. You are in a much better position than him and you don't need him.

I would suggest you to go for counseling. Childhood is an important part in everyone's life and you had a tough one.

On a side note. How is your son doing back home? Is he treated well by you DH and In-laws? I am not trying to open another chapter. As a child, you were deprived of parental love and now don't let the same happen to your son. You are trying to invest your time and love on a person who does not deserve it on any level.

MaritalBliss · Sep 6, 2012

Why do u pay for his rent- cant u see he is living off u...he does not even go to work. U are attracting wrong type of men always...

Pls take care of your son and stop getting into relns until things get straightened out. Take care.

route · Sep 6, 2012

pls get out of this relationship if its frustrating so much in the start what will happen when u r in the middle of it....

namrathamorab · Sep 6, 2012

Hello Lady.. Please wake up!!! This guy is just using you and he is defn not going to be any better than your husband.. I would suggest get great grades and a job and bring your son to live with you..

falgunid18 · Sep 6, 2012

I agree with everyone.

Farizia.. This person is just using you for everything. He knows very well that you are broken and all alone in the country. If he would have actually fallen for you, then he would have shared the bruden with you. Paying his rent, his debt.... he is just making you a fool.

This person is emotionaly blackmailing you and will not let you go easily also. As a friend, I would suggest you to break the realtion with him and never ever think of marrying him. I understand its a hard time for you, but the sooner you deal with this, the better it is for you and your future.

You are just emotional dependent on him and he is taking and making all benefit out of it. Do you realise the amount you spend paying his rent and debts, you can repay your loan or get your son a more better life.You have done masters, and you still working other jobs for that useless guy. I guess your degree is more than enough to pay your "own" personal loans and save for your and your son's future. Dont work overtime. Take care of your ownself and start becoming independent.

It is upto you if you want to divorce your husband, but before doing that make sure you break this relation. Dont think you will be all alone nad have to deal with all the miseries all over agian. Infact it is something to learn from, not repeat the same, grow strong and confident. Also take a break from all this hassle and try and call your son to visit you if you miss him.