Tired of trying..What to do?

sweetestshweta · Aug 21, 2012

Hi ladies..
Writing here after a long time.Was caught up with job and family drama(read In laws)..
You all had given wonderful ideas.I tried to implement as many as I could.Since there was a lot happening on work front too,I could not keep you all updated.
Well,last 4 months have been totally devoted to ILs.MIL was with us most of the time and I was busy playing a good DIL-caring for her,taking her out,shopping for her etc etc..Not to mention my SIL-we had to go to meet her then she too visited us..I have almost spent all my leave for them.As usual I am not left with many leave days to visit my own parents..

Meanwhile I have got a change in workplace and my DH and I are staying at different places now.We are more of a weekend couple now.
I am too much in love with him and staying away from him is taking toll on my mental peace..
But my MIL and SIL hardly understand this..MIL has constantly been staying with DH on account of taking care of him.I don't know what all she has been gossiping.But that doesn't concern me.I am more worried about the fact that DH and I hardly have any "our" time left.She is in DH's room till late night watching all her serials(although she has a TV in her room too).We can't talk while she is around him and then we are too tired to talk.On weekends too,she stays in our room most of the time,accompanies us to movies,shopping etc..Also we have spent a hell lot on MIL and SIL on one account or the other..

Sorry ladies,I have tried it all..Even if I don't argue with my DH,I can't help being sad and mood out all the time.
I think DH understands it but poor chap,how can he tell his mom to leave us alone!!
I am so tired now.And I can't help being so negative about everything.Here we are-doing so much(financially,emotionally,socially) and these ladies neither appreciate nor try to help us out in anything..Rather their demands and intruding nature are turning me mad.
I think the more I do,the more they take it for granted and the more they expect out of us.. Won't it be better to just stop trying?And be declared as a bad DIL?
Sometimes I feel that I should force my DH to sever all his relations with them and not caring about being branded as bad DIL who left poor MIL and SIL alone and helpless..
I know I can't do that..Can't see DH in pain too..
What to do..Any suggestions?
Forgot to mention,this weekend again MIL will be back and this time with her sisters..And I don't know for how many days or weeks they'll stay!! Don't even feel like going there this week coz after a whole week of work,this is the last thing one will want-working and serving..

For all those who don't know much about me,read my earlier post http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/145569-does-anyone-have-widowed-sil.html

DGcreative · Aug 21, 2012

Dearest Shweta

Can understand your stint of working the whole week which is atleast satisfying & then weekend at home u get to cook, clean, serve n end up getting taunts for not doing things properly, no time for self or DH. I sometimes dread weekends & prefer weekdays. Its really really sad. Why dont you plan out with DH for weekend, like may b not this as u already know MIL is coming, but may be next & declare that in advance. It could be something small for one day like movie & lunch or day at water or theme park or a night stay at some nice hotel close by....just relax in the room with DH...may be if the hotel has swimming pool go swimming together or simply relax, chill.

BTW even I wonder sometimes that instead of trying harder with no results is it better to get these strings cut off........& like you said you anyway are not the good DIL types according to your MIL....so why not actually act like the baddie once & for all:evil:

poojachinoy · Aug 21, 2012

@shweta-will it be possible to call your DH at your place on weekends,instead of going to his place?..that would be the best outlet.how about booking tickets and going off on a weekend get away?...and tickets apply only husband and wife here...

if not then,you need to lay rules and stop trying to be a good DIL..you have already done more than your bit..its high time now...your DH too needs to speak up or atleast act up..agreed,he cant say anything to mom,but for how long??!!!..its not your initial stages of marriage that he is finding it hard to convey and balance stuff...have a good talk with him..if he cant lay boundaries then you may as well have to do it!

sweetestshweta · Aug 21, 2012

Thanks Pooja and DG..
MIL is just not going anywhere.First she was with DH.On one weekend she came with him to my place(till then I had set up my place here) and then stayed with me for some days.Then when I went to meet him,she accompanied me and stayed back with him..So,in short,she is travelling with us all the time!! Even on our anniversary dinner,she tagged along!!So we cancelled our plan of spending the night at a good resort and came back..
DH puts up a sorry face when the question of going somewhere(just him and me) arises.He says where to leave mom? So then,I cancel our plan..
I think MIL is doing all this just to ensure that she is the supreme one and that this is how things are going to be in future.And this also shows her inclination in shifting permanently with us..

AlwaysPositive · Aug 21, 2012

Hi Shweta,

Why don't you ask your hubby to come to your place instead saying that you have lot of work and you cannot go there... --- sorry did not find the previous post.. you and your hubby Go to your parent's place and from there go for a trip... Then your MIL may understand atleast something..

foxybeat · Aug 21, 2012

Why cant you MIL stay on her own in your house itself while you guys go somewhere. Its not like you are kicking her out of the house. Also where did she stay before you got married. Was she roaming with your DH all the time ? Suggest that for one weekend she stay back in her house while you guys get to spend some time together.

meVaidehi · Aug 21, 2012

Why don't you call DH to stay at your place for weekend. And tell him your concerns. He is also feeling the lack of privacy and time to spend with you. So tell him to ditch them and come alone.
Vaidehi

Saisakthi · Aug 21, 2012

Dear Sister,

During a weekend, On some pretext go to your mother's house with your DH leaving your MIL at your SIL's place so that she could enjoy with her daughter's kid.

if at all she clings on, take her for a weekend to your mom's place and she can be with you mom or hang around there, while you can both go for some movies or dinner. Your mom can definately help us in this, all your purpose will be solved at one go.

She is not alone at home, your mom takes care of her, You get your own space, You meet your mom too.

Just think probably some hidden lines may be there which I dont know. However best wishes for a Happy weekend soon.

May Baba bless you with peace and bliss and guide you in the right track.

sheztheone · Aug 22, 2012

Why don't you stay back at your place for one weekend saying that you are not well or something? Ask DH to visit you for a day. If MIL tags along, stay in bed and do not do anything. Try this once in a month. Most important, do not bother about what they will think. Ideally your DH is the one who should step up and control the situation. If he does not, you have to resort to taking matters in your own hands-you can choose to be upfront or handle it in a subtle manner. Else before you know it your prime years would have gone by.

Remember that no matter how much you do for them, your ILs will not be satisfied. Take care of your relationship with H also.

apaasn · Aug 22, 2012

oh you poor dear,I wish you all the luck.
you know when my in laws come here or we visit them they just drain all the energy out of us,hubby too but he just doesnt do or say anything abt it.
They drain us out physically and emotionally.But the only thing that keeps me going is that she will leave one day and sometimes it gets harder as the day of her leaving approaches.
What can you do other than count the days? Just be patient,maybe seeing how she is taking up all his privacy and time hubby will get fed up and cancel any India trips or their future visits for a few yrs!!
If its just another few days just tolerate it but if its another 2 months,then how abt writing a mail or having a private talk ( if thats possible) with hubby regarding everything? Maybe he will understand and suggest something or worse case you can be a bit relieved that he atleast sympathises with you.