fight with DH due to in laws!

nityakapoor23 · Aug 21, 2012

hi all,

i m really very very upset today. and i need your advise whether it was actually my mistake this time or not. my dh talks to his mom daily on phone for around 30-40 minutes and every weekend on sunday he talks to his mom on skype via video chat for 2-3 hours and he expect me also to sit with him while talking on skype. nywys to tell u all, this sunday my mil had to go somewhere outside so she said to his son that on monday i will talk to u on skype bcs my dh had a holiday on monday.
my dh went outside for some work in the morning and came back home around 4 pm.
i was busy at that time cleaning the house with the maid and finally the maid left at 7:30 pm in the evening. as soon as she left i went straight to kitchen to cook dinner for my dh and then i need to cook seperately for myself bcs it was my fast and i havent eaten anything since the morning. while i was preparing the dinner for him, my dh came to me and said to me in a very rude and taunting manner that dont you know that i have to talk to my mother on skype. u should have said urself to call home, why always i have to tell u and blah blah. i maintained my calmness and said to him politely that its ok may be i leave cooking now and i come with you and i can talk to ur mother on skype than i will cook for you and when u are done with talking i will cook for myself.
inspite of me being fasting whole day and it was already 8 pm at nite i said all that bcs i didnt wanted to have any fight.
but then he was all furious and again started blaming me. then i also said that if you wanted to have video chat with ur mom u cud have done that earlier while i was cleaning the house so that it cud have saved some of the time. since i have become very tired since morning.
but the moment he listened that , my dh got all angry and started shouting over me. he abused me and then he said that it was all my mistake and he said to me that the relationship is all over and next day he will move out and will no longer stay with me.
somehow i tried my best to absorb what all he said and told him firmly that ok u can divorce me if u want but to tell u truth u are over possesive bout ur parents and u are scared of them.u treat me badly in front of them and u always react impatiently whenever there is sth related to ur parents.
he listened to all that bcs it was all truth and he had nthing else to say.
he did agreed that he give his parents more priority than me and he said that he wud continue to do so.
and then he said to me that since i am not a good wife bcs i am not able to meet his expectations and he told me to leave him.
i said that if u want to leave me, then u can leave me i wont stop u but for me i have married u bcs i loved u and for me ur priority is the top most in my life. and i also expect the same that u shd give me prioirty but still if u not able to do so , its ok i will wait for that day to come.
i m trying my best to keep ur parents happy and i cant do more than that.then he said that his parents are going to stay with us from january next year forever. i just said ok.
after this whole episode i really dont feel like talking or staying with my dh any longer bcs i believe that it was not my mistake. if he wud have not called his parents then anywyas i wud have called his mom after dinner like i used to call daily without fail and talk to my mil.

hey ladies pls suggest. i guess my marriage life is all ruined bcs of my inlaws matter and i m really very very depressed.

Padmash · Aug 21, 2012

hi Nitya,

Check all over once how you two behave with each other except this MIL call issue. When he didnt had to call his mother on sunday he left house for some work and returned at 4pm. Do you feel he is always alone, i mean both of u do your work alone? At least on Sunday you can accompany him if he is going out, both of u can spend time together. Does he prefer to be alone? Check out your overall relation leaving your MIL aside. It seems he is far away from you even you too are together but not close, i am saying only based on your post, may be you too can be closer. Everyday taling to mother for hours i dont think everyone can do unless it is so important. Even i speak to my parents everyday on skype but it will be 20-30min or may be longer when my son is at home... but these 20-30min ae also more than enough as we have our own life and work to do. I feel something is going on behind you. You try to spend more time with him, leave your house cleaning for few days, try to live life with your husband. Sometimes we dont realize and we are too busy with our responsibilities that partners drift away from each other and look for some other interesting companion. Dont be hurt just look around carefully.

tc

Tashsin · Aug 21, 2012

Hi ..nithya..I feel you are new married because in starting 70% DIL face same situation..
1-we want DH to listen us and DH get confused between wife & parents...
2- if you are Singapore PIL can stay for this long max for 3months BCz of visa
3-try to slow your love to DH in a romantic way..so that he can understand you easily..then you can tell him all the thing
4- make plan for weekend so many places in Singapore..
5- don't talk about divorce because this it the last solution..
I feel yourPIL are very concern for DH so they want to talk this much..try to talk with MIL daily for 5minutes and avoide any argument..or negative thing..

nityakapoor23 · Aug 21, 2012

hi padmatvt,

my relation with my dh other than the in laws issue is fine. so far i never realise he has been drifting apart from me. whenever there is a severe fight between me and my dh the only cause is my inlaws.

and @Tashsin - I do talk to my mil daily over phone for 10-15 min and sometimes more also and every weekend talk to her on skype as well. just that this weekend we cudnt talk and the fight happened.
i dont know how to handle all this without me being sacrificing everytime.

april1981 · Aug 21, 2012

I will disagree here nityakapoor23. the problems between you tow is not your MIL but it is your DH attitude. My Dh also for every silly fight will always bring the D word and tell me to go to my parents house. he does not mean it and just as we bribe children to listen to us, he feels that if he mention the D word I will get scared and listen to him. The reason for fight between you two seems trivial and there is no reason to bring the topic of seperation. He must be disturbed due to some other reason and is removing his frustration on you. this is what I understand from your post.

nityakapoor23 · Aug 21, 2012

hi april1981,

yes i agree with you that my DH use the D word to scare me off so that i agree to what all he wants but to be very honest only the reason of our fight everytime is this trivial matters of inlaws only.
my dh was in very good mood yesteryday,nthng as sch was bothering him.
just that he gets too much possesive bout his parents and any matter which involve his parents he has always reacted in the same manner.
through out the fight he was forcing me to say sorry and he wanted me to agree that it was my mistake that i shd have told him to talk to his mother on skype and when i disagree that skype is not necessary ,for me phone is sufficient he got damned furious and abused me.
my dh looses his temper very easily and due to which fights happen but in the end its only me who has to bend in front of him.
he conveyed to me in an indirect manner that i am his parents servant. so whatever wish they have, i ought to fulfil it at the cost of anything.
he told me to behave in a very consious manner when it comes to any topic involving his parents. his parents can always have complaints bout me but i cant say a single word against them. he just cant listen it.
sometimes it feels just a one sided relation and i feel like braking this marriage and going.
what all post i have read so far in this forum i guess none of the other people dh are like my hubby. its the problem with my dh only and i guess he will never improve. all his madness bout his parents is ruining my marriage and i will try to bear it till i can.

Padmash · Aug 21, 2012

hi Nitya,

Try to speak to him making some emotional talk or something... this attitude will only hurt you. Dont get disappointed you are not the only person tolerating such silly behavior. Many men are like that either their wives solve this issue by speaking to them or doing some practical thing or they just ignore and make them selves busy. You are hurt so you need to do something. Try to speak to him before his parents come. If his parent are good towards you then may be they can be of help.
Dont just bear it will give a lot of negativity in your mind which you cant tolerate after some point. Either discuss with him and come to some point or just you decide how you can live in such marriage, may be you need a change in behiour. But if you two ar loving couple then just ignore this. Some men are senseless when it comes to parents. They cant differentiate their duties and responsibilities towards their wife and parents.

tc

sweetshreya · Aug 21, 2012

OP, your husband seems to be a very immature person. To threaten with divorce all the time !!!
There are two things you should tell him if he ever does it again .....
1. If he talks of sending you to your parents, tell him that by law, you have a Right to Residency in his house. And unless he wants to spend some time in jail and 'court ke chakkar katna', he should stop threatening you with that.
2. Divorcing is not so simple. Ask him if he had ever heard the term called 'alimony'. Educate yourself about all our laws. Then educate him.

It is a very cheap trick to subjugate a spouse by threatening divorce..........

Shivali3 · Aug 21, 2012

Hi nityakapoor
I read ur post,it looks like I was reading my story same Singapore same attitude same ***** Skype and some in laws who wanted their son to speak to them every day every hour and every min and the great aagyakari son will do as been told by his parents...trust me this will not change..try to change ur self even if u have kids tomorrow ur husband attitude will not change..pls change ur self learn to live happily by ur self donot sit for long chats do some or other work at that time make friends go for movies ..try to talk to ur husband when he is in good mood that he can chat as long as he want but rest of the time is urs...donot ever ever stop talking to ur husband ...tell him how much u want him and want spend time with him this really works...my continues talks has brought lot of change...I have really saved my marriage by talking and explaining to him that I am not against his parent but as they want ur time i.also need him.u must leave the topic who was right and who was wrong just talk to him explain to him that u were busy and fasting so u forgot next time U will remember and at the sametime tell him that he should also remember ..try talk to him and pour ur heart he will understand and thing will change and at the same time u will feel good ..bye

Priya16 · Aug 21, 2012

Wake him up early on week ends to talk to his mom from 5AM.

He had good temper but you can blame on blood.The blood get cooled off when he gets some white hair.or you can paint with white brush and see he gets cooled off .

Tell that your going to movie with your friend and he can speak to his mom.Since she needs you.Keep a song in phone that call mommy ,call mommy or in alarm clock .That way your duty is over and chill out.

Don't worry about all this.But tell him you are no way scared of threats.When times comes for divorce it will happen and you don't have to threaten me.

Now I remember all that is because I have been working so hard from morning and you are sitting at home and can't you make a phone to my mom??????

Are you working????If not please focus on it.