In-Laws or Out laws?

Hello Ma'am,

A very valuable reading.......

This is an usual thing happening which I am observing frequently. The worst part is the girls are not accepting the boys who are staying with their parents. And their parents are supporting them. Lots of incidents are happening in our community where the girls and their parents referring the groom's parents as "rahu" and "ketu" and asking the middle men whether they are present in photos or physically. Really gets annoyed when one hears such words.

Regards,
Geetha Rao

 

hi ,
it is a valuable read but at the same time it is only one side of the story.
nowadays dils are treated more of an outsider (if you have read recent posts from other ils ).there is no acceptance of the dil as an individual.with educated dils everybody has their own way of living and hence there is a preference to stay away from inlaws.also what is important is for pils is to relax rules .why joint family system is not working bcos it is lacking " patience "from both ends .what treatment you met out to your DIL is also very important in the long run.

 

hi,


@mathangikkumar,


it was a valuable read about the changing senarios in the world.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us .......


@rihana,

well as far as i can see either it is selective amnesia or selective vision in your reply......

Well everbody has a right to share their view......

I do not think this kind cutting and replying is warranted by anyone......

If you have'nt read please read the quoted text again.........

She has specifically mentioned she doest blame any one side and also this is only based on experience of going on's around her...

I dont care if you have any problem with my reply to u or you considering me a MCP as sometimes i feel that people are going on a hyper attack mode at IL......



Take care
chow.

 

It can be true to some extent but this is just one side of life. There is another side of life where a DIL wants to be good and nice to ILs but she is treated with distrust and suspicion (there can be few DILs who can be bad and mean to ILs but not everyone). For the fact that she married the DS for love is mistaken as money and wealth and even if DIL is well manned, educated, may be working and from good family, still she is accused of stealing the son or marrying for money, or is treated as cleaver/cunning, trying to create conflict between DS and parents and she is expected to be in MIL's control and live her life as per MIL's ideas. She works in office and is not given sympathy for being tired and exhausted but is expected to take care of home, ILs, follow MIL's instructions and make all adjustments to earn the "TRUST" of MIL but is not treated with "RESPECT" as an individual who has her own wishes and parents whom she misses. Instead she is expected to treat her own parents as secondary and ILs as primary. Doesn't she want to be with her parents like ILs want to be with their DS? And those who stand up against this discrimination are termed as ill-mannered, mean and don't know what.

Yes, this also happens in this present day and it is happening. ILs and DIL relationship is a give and take one. One can't expect only one side to make all adjustments and compromises. Just bcoz DIL leaves her home and comes to her DH's home she is expected to make all adjustments which is unfair. ILs also need to be accommodating to the DIL then only things can work smoothly between them.

 

I understand where you are coming from. But ma'am this is just one side of the story as pointed out by sbmat.

You want to know why the parents of a girl ask whether the guy lives with his parents? Why the guys doing so are being rejected?

Well, ever heard of these:
1. Dowry
2. physical abuse for dowry
3. No independence to do anything
4. Your parents never taught you anything
5. I would have never trained you like that, you would have been competent if you were my daughter
6. Do job to earn + be a masterchef + manage everything + be micromanaged

I dont mean to say that what you say is absolutely wrong. There are cases where good old folks are driven out by insane new wives. But then, why do you choose to ignore the fact that almost all mothers in law want their sons wives to be a goddess. Know cooking, know cleaning, know managing home, know earning, know raising children, know shutting up even if asked to do something which she doesnt like? Now what if I ask Where to go??? MIL thinks I am too modern (because I have independent thinking of my own??), FIL thinks I have to give all the earnings to him to invest in my and DH's name (because I am going to run away someday?? Whatever happened to spending for your own??) DH thinks I dont respect his parents for what he is because of them (while he doesnt understand what I'm becoming what I'm becoming because of them!!)

There are always reactions to certain actions.

If for so many years the MILs have taunted the DILs for dowry and house management and are still doing, why is it bad if the girl wishes to have a husband who stays away from the in laws.

And in my opinion, the reason is that she will love / respect her PIL because they are not always present to micro-manage her and PIL will love / respect her because they dont see their wishes being not fulfilled. It is a win-win as Rihana said.

 

Hey Rihana! I think this is a misunderstanding on your part --- I get the impression that the OP means 'search for a solution as if you were searching for a lost object in tall grass'. The slang usage of 'whack' in the American mafia / gangster sense is not that common even in British usage. :rotfl

 

I just have one question

What is wrong with this generation MILs? They don't care about their son's life at all. All they care about it ruining DILs happiness

I know there was a disclaimer in the begining but then the rest of the post was thrown at the face of the new generation. This is a forum where women discuss the issue they are facing. Most of them are genuine and your post will only hurt them.

 

Mathangi Ma'm,

Let me see if I can explain this from a selfish DIL point of view. Please let me know what you think because I would like to know answers for my questions from traditional patriarchy upholders. I want to know if am really wrong in thinking the way I do.

In your times, every household will have atleast 4-5 kids and there will be sons in every hosuehold. So, it was accepted that the daughters don't belong to their maternal home and they have to go to ILs house and live there according to their customs. Girls were told everyday about this and raised solely to become good DILs and wives in that order. Girls were taught not to expect close relationships with husband and its ok to only share a room with him when he pleases. Girls were told MIL is important and follow the rules of the house. It was easier for a woman who gets married to accept the following.

1. Abuse/scoldings from ILs and insults because they expected it.
2. They were silent and did not retaliate to any insult because this is what they were taught. Dont talk back to your MIL.
3. Thank your gods if your husband earns decent money, does not smoke,drink, or have other affairs. Love, understanding is not necessary. You anyways don't spend the days with him so what difference does it make?
4. Learn the ways of your MILs family and forget your Parental home. This is what good DILs too. Your brothers can take care of your parents.

Fast forward to our times. Women education and earning capacity has increased 1000 fold compared to your generation, but expectations from women have changed just 5%.

Our parents have 1 or max 2 kids. If one is lucky, they get a Son. The ones who hit jackpot get 2 Sons. Their future is safe. Their old age is fine. Now..How about the ones who have got two daughters or one daughter? How do they manage this situation. If this was the situation earlier days, it was the norm to adopt a Son. This thought is obsolete now. So, what will happen to those unfortunate souls who have only daughters?

Now, my next point is not about parents at all. Its about the selfish DILs you talk about. The normal middle class girl is almost as educated as the husband and earns almost as much. She is well educated, her parents have taught her that she is inferior to none and is an intelligent identity by herself and she need not be dependent on anyone. Lets take my case and cases I see in close quarters. None of our parents gave us the lessons your generation girls received because we weren't expected to experience all that. Now, I get married.

1. My MIL ridicules my upbringing and parents and my culture. Please let me know a girl who is like me who does not understand why a MIL has the right to ridicule her will talk back and not want to live with ILs. Why am I wrong here? Please enlighten me.

2. Let us assume MIL does not ridicule me and she is decent. I want to have a better relationship with my husband more than just sharing his room. ( Credit - Ohara) I was made to believe that the relationship my mother or most of whom I know in her age group share with their spouses is not great and I wanted a close knit relationship with my husband which is more than being his roommate. I was brought up in false notion of loving your husband is more important than worshipping your MIL. This relationship is not possible in a Joint family - So am I wrong in wanting a Nuclear family for my peace and happiness and for maintaining a good relationship with ILs?

Please tell me what are your thoughts on this and we shall continue this conversation. Thanks