[cutemonster]

I read the OP's thread and the posts made by members here.

I think judging by the thread, OP is a middle aged lady who was brought up in a different environment and things were different. The members who replied to this thread are young married females ( most of them living in US - judging by their profiles) ( correct me if I am wrong)

I don't blame OPs point of view. It all has to do with the surroundings and the culture and environment they someone has been most of her life. I agree some PILs are insecure when DIL comes in the picture. Some MILs will make life hell for the DIL, taunt them, do all sorts of emotional blackmail in front of the son and most of the time the Son will take the mother's side instead of the wife.
But there are DILs out there who don't want PILs in the married life from the word go. Even of the MILs or FILs are gem of people, some DILs they just don't want them in their married life. Period.

But I hope and I know things will be different when we are inlaws. OP came from a different generation ( I assume). We won't be evil PILs to our DILs who torture and taunts. I am sure female members here would give space to their DILs when their son's get married and will only interfere when they see something is not right.

not everyone who posts here is living in usa and the view posted here are more about the change in the society, the parents of the girls have guts and give freedom to their daughters to live their lives but somehow parents who have sons never seem to be able to get out of the traditional setup where they have a upper hand!
about we being better in laws, well only time will tell. there are lot of so called highly educated women , who have travelled around the world and may be living in usa or anywhere but the moment their son's get married they turn into typical traditional mil!

especially im amused by your last line , " will interfere when they something is not right" , if you ask any mil who does not get along with dil , most cases will say i had to interfere as my dil was not taking care of my baby boy, not cooking good food, making me work and help in house work when the poor guy had worked hard all day in office and what not where the mom felt dil was torturing her son and mom had to interfere!

[monita]

I don't know about others, but I find the OP a highly offensive post.

[cutemonster]

Hi mathangikkumar ji!

I read your post and the reply by all the other posters also, somehow im surprised that after dropping a bom you did not bother to come and check the aftermath!
we would like to hear your view !!!
now about your post, with due respect i feel your post is highly offensive , not to the dil's but to the parents who have only daughters or even couples who are childless! You took so much pain to write such a long post about the troubles of the pil's whose sons choose to live away but what about the pains of parents who have only daughters ?
has it ever occurred to you that in today's world when our parents spend equal money on educating the daughters like son and then getting them married off in a lavish way and innumerable gifts and ceremonies for their in laws , they dont have a right to have a emotional support from their daughter , forget about financial!
there are enough examples around us , somehow you choose to close eyes to those where dil are tortured by SELFISH PIL'S !

your this quote "I found out this is a case where the DIL do not have a brother in the house, more of sisters and there is no chance of having a brother's wife to see how her mother is treated by her brother's wife..Experience is the best teacher."

it is the most offensive quote i have come across in IL , the same way i tell you the parents who just have son can never understand what is the pain of seeing your daughter suffer in the name of tradition!

MAM , CAN YOU ANSWER WHY WILL THE PARENTS OF GIRLS BE ALWAYS TREATED AS SECOND GRADE ???? JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE SON NO ONE GIVES YOU RIGHT TO RIDICULE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ONLY DAUGHTERS!!

In your post there is a lot of mentioning about property and money, i had posted earlier also to one poster who said that her in laws dont behave properly even after her parents gave lot of dowry and even now give lots of gifts as cash , in that case i said money cant buy respect and love and to you also i would say if you expect respect from your dil only because you have lot of property and gold , you will never get it!
respect and love is earned by each and everyone, be it dil or pil's!

About your question, again quoting from your post" what would happen to people of my generation who have one son and one daughter or two daughters, two sons or one daughter/ son? Where to go?

For the people of your generation it becomes even more important to learn and remember that sons are not your retirement plan, you cant just love your son and shun your dil. you need to accept and love your dil and give freedom to your son and dil and not tie and choke them with your expectations!
many parents these days have good relationship with their dil as they know love and respect are reciprocal. I am yet to find a pil who behaved nicely but were shunned by dil. usually there is some hidden truth , their extra concern and love for their son leads to problems in the family!

you have cleverly tried to include two daughters only in one of your quote , as you are seeing it as recent trend , what did the parents of two daughters or for that matter many daughter also did in past? were they loving taken by the pil's of their daughters? NO!
parents with only daughters had to face a lot in society , thankfully we are seeing new breed of young women who have courage to take care of their parents in time of need and we have a small no of sensible men also who dont think that wife's parents are not human.
It is because of the thinking of people like you that we have female foeticide in our society , everyone wants a son who can take care of them!

your quote again " one thing is clear by maintaining silence the son / s are also equally responsible for it, and share the sin."
YES BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SINS WHICH A HUSBAND COMMITS WHEN HE HAS NO GUTS TO STAND BY AND CARE FOR HIS WIFE WHEN HE MADE ALL THOSE PROMISES IN FRONT OF GOD AND SOCIETY?

and about your WHACK WHERE EVER NECESSARY, i think it would be better not to comment on it ! you know what you meant very well.

[satchitananda]

Dear friends,

I do not want to post my opinions to OP's post. All I would like to say is that while we always see posts from dils and read about their travails, let us just treat this post as what it is - an mil venting on the forum. So my suggestion would be not to take this post personally, just take it for what it is - a post from a venting mil.

Having said which, I would also like to reiterate that no generalization works in any situation either way. Neither are all mils devils nor are all dils devils. It is a very individual equation and what we normally get to see on these forums is one side of the story.

So just as we have venting dils, wives, husbands, this is a venting mil.

[revathysankar]

HI,
I am 24 and we are in join fmly only with my DH parents ,Grand parents. Brother..
Join family has cme 2 extinct becoz we want 2 decide and live as we like..
In join family we cant enjoy tat have 2 ask permission from elders they wont accept lot of controversies..

Join family now has more minus than plus since IL want everything under their ctrl not able 2 give the authorithy to take care of house things..

Only thing in join family we lost more privacy and our own wishes..
But we have many people around us 2 join and celebrate function..

Simple if MIL R DIL feels tat this other daughter and another mom there is no need 4 old age hme..

I am enjoying as well as feels disappont wen I see my friends..

[cutemonster]

Dear friends,

I do not want to post my opinions to OP's post. All I would like to say is that while we always see posts from dils and read about their travails, let us just treat this post as what it is - an mil venting on the forum. So my suggestion would be not to take this post personally, just take it for what it is - a post from a venting mil.

Having said which, I would also like to reiterate that no generalization works in any situation either way. Neither are all mils devils nor are all dils devils. It is a very individual equation and what we normally get to see on these forums is one side of the story.

So just as we have venting dils, wives, husbands, this is a venting mil.

yeah satchi ! you are right!
may be this is the post we all were missing when we discussed in this post How does MIL feel abt DIL? that why we dont see any mil venting about dil on IL. Seems like techie mil's have finally arrived !

[satchitananda]

Hi Mathangi,

Though I did not want to comment on this thread, I feel it would be wrong if I kept quiet about certain points that I feel need to be made.

Before any one go ahead with reading this piece please remember whatever I have written is from the happenings around me in close quarters.
So there may be some reactions but they are all each one's perception.I do not blame the DIL nor MIL.

I would have been really happy if you had stuck to this disclaimer. Agreed there might be some bad dils who behave like shrews and make the life of a family miserable. But unfortunately, some of the statements you have made later in your post are too generalized and a couple of statements are really surprising if not shocking.

I am replying to those points to present my perspective. Before I go on, let me make it clear that I have been a dil, am still a dil, have no kids of my own - daughters or sons - and therefore will never be an mil to either a son-in-law or to a dil (I am really glad for that, because I will never be an evil mil, helpless mil or the mother of a bad dil or tortured dil. I think God has really blessed me. ) Also I am closer to your age than that of the young ladies here. So I hope I am not being biased in my views.

Those who have many sons do not have any problem and like a foot ball they can keep going to wherever they are kicked to, what about those who have one or two?Here it's like the divide and stay policy, 6 months here 6 months there,if that 6 months happens to be abroad, quoting the weather , they can cut short their in-laws stay, and naturally they have to came back.

Why this negativism about shared responsibility between many sons? If care taking of parents is shared by sons, then how does it amount to being "kicked around"? As for what you say about children staying abroad, while it might be happening that an occasional dil does throw her PILs quoting weather conditions, I am sure there are others who do look after their PILs and are ill-treated by them too. And if two sons live in India, then both take care for 6 months each. Is that unfair given that both are going to inherit? And I think you yourself have made this point later in your post.

If the parents happen to possess property, or land the sharing will go smoothly as the carrot type property is the bait and holding thread for the parents.

I am sure there are many rich pils too whose dils do not want to fall for that bait and just want to lead their lives on their own terms and conditions. Young men and women earn huge amounts that you and I could never have dreamed of in our times.

Anticipating the acquiring wealth, the DIL is ready to bear with the in-laws.

In that case why do we read so many threads by dils who are handing their entire salary to their pils and still enduring their pils?Why would the pils want to take control of her earnings and their son's earnings too when they are so wealthy?

But by mistake if the property is divided while they are alive and or no property, the scenario changes.

I am sure the issue here is not so much the money/property as the relationship between pils and dils. If the pils have nurtured the relationship and lavished care and affection on her the same as they do on their sons and daughters, the situation would be different. We do read threads here of dils coming and saying I have wonderful pils who are closer to me than my parents. So I do not believe that all dils complain or treat their pils badly. Besides, not only dils, there are even daughters (without brothers) I have seen who have treated the widowed, elderly mother really badly after selling off her home. So let us not just blame dils.

From what I hear and see, a mother-in-law divided all her as sets like gold and silver among the daughters and daughters -in-law after a decade of her husband's demise. . And when the time came for the mother -in-law to attend an important social function, she was left with no ornaments to adorn her neck or arms. I felt the DIL should have offered a chain or so to her MIL. How selfish these DAUGHTERS-IN-LAWS are.

I totally agree with you. The mil made a mistake by dividing everything while she was still living. She should have kept everything with her.

However, I am curious to know. Did she ask the dil for something to wear and was refused? Did the dil offer and the mil did not want to wear anything for reasons of her own? How did you conclude that the selfish dil did not offer her mil even a chain?

The irony is some of the daughters- in -law have openly expressed their heart to their co -sisters,' how can you live with in laws, I cannot keep them for more than a week', I can't stand them breathing thro' their neck.Once in a while it's ok'.

Well, maybe they do discuss the mil. But do mils not discuss their dils with relatives or one dil with the other?

I found out this is a case where the DIL do not have a brother in the house, more of sisters and there is no chance of having a brother's wife to see how her mother is treated by her brother's wife..Experience is the best teacher.

Yes, from my own observations I can also say that mils who have no daughters and who married a man with no parents (i.e. mil did not have pils) do not know how to be affectionate to a dil who has left her parents and come to their house to look after them and their son and to give them grand children.

Nor do I say those who have brothers treat their in-laws well, and it's not always the case with all. In some cases only one son takes care of the parents and others expect it as the duty of the eldest son to do so, which is not correct.

And yet when they do share the responsibilities, you are critical of the "kicking around" and "the divide and stay policy". This only means the sons and by default their wives can not do right either way.

When the property is divided it's divided equally among all the children and when the talk of keeping them comes all try to look the other way. Why is it so?
At least my generation people have many siblings, but what would happen to people of my generation who have one son and one daughter or two daughters, two sons or one daughter/ son? Where to go?

Parents who are helpless (financially or physically) can now sue the children in court - yes the daughters too. Why should only the sons take care of the parents? Did the mother not bear her daughters for the same 9 months that she did her sons? Mathangi, it is high time we came out of these out-dated patriarchal notions and treated all our children "equally" in all senses of the term. And if the parents are physically fit and financially comfortable, it should be a matter of pride for them to be independent and active till their bodies and minds allow them to do so.

No wonder the Old Age Homes are finding a place in the search engine.

OAHs are not the first line of preference for anyone with a heart. But I do hope everyone understands that there are certain circumstances where things get out of hand and the "children" (who are themselves aging or disabled and hence not in a position to give intensive care to the parents) have to go for this step. Unfortunately OAHs are either too expensive or not good enough in the present times. I do hope by the time people like me (who have no relatives or children to take care of us in our old age) reach that point, we are either fit enough to fend for ourselves, or OAHs are more affordable and provide quality care or that we are dead before that.

Wherever the DIL are ill treating their in-laws, one thing is clear by maintaining silence the son / s are also equally responsible for it, and share the sin.
In some cases, the sons give the authority to their better half,just to get peace of mind in the family, but that should not be the case , whack wherever necessary and there is always a solution to problems unless one becomes the problem.

Pray, may I know why dils should have no authority in the home of which they are claimed to be members? Are they members only to wait on pils? We want "well qualified" dils today? Why? So that they should be kept in the homes as slaves to do the pil's bidding and be whacked if they dare to disagree with the pils, or if they wish to have a separate establishments where they can live with dignity as grown up, responsible adults taking care of home? Have we as a society forgotten that our own scriptures have prescribed "vanaprasthashram" for "elders" - around 40 years of age those days because people rarely lived to 50? The idea was probably to enable the younger generation to lead their own lives without older people dictating their lives for them. Now we do not send our elders off on vanaprasthanam (of course, where are the forests, that is a different question), but the idea should be that elders follow their own activities of interest and leave the youngsters to run the home - they might make mistakes - let them (so long as they are not out to hurt or kill somebody) make their mistakes and learn their own lessons. After all we all come to earth to learn lessons from life experiences. Would it not be a sin to deprive them from the opportunity to fulfil their own karmas?

Isn't one of the vows that the son takes at the wedding that he will treat his wife with respect? Doesn't his wife take a vow that she will take care of his home and hearth? Today's wife does not only this but also shares his financial burdens. And you are suggesting sons should whack their wives? Or is this part of Manu dharma that you are trying to advocate? Isn't this domestic violence? Isn't it a crime? You have done more disservice to mils than help by saying this. Because you as an mil have actually given all the dils here a weapon to prove their contention that this is what mils teach their sons and their obedient sons do on the provocation by the mils.

It is very essential that we as the older generation of today learn to treat youngsters with the respect they deserve. Respect begets respect and love begets love. Respect without love is not respect, it is fear and resentment.

[whiteorchid]

yes op, in laws are like out laws only as they wreck and create trouble in their son n dil's life. just like out laws disturbed the peace of the city in laws take happiness in disturbing the peace of their dil's life.
i wish their were stricter rules to WHACK in laws and people like you who preach this non sense.

[smritisinha]

I read the OP's thread and the posts made by members here.

I think judging by the thread, OP is a middle aged lady who was brought up in a different environment and things were different. The members who replied to this thread are young married females ( most of them living in US - judging by their profiles) ( correct me if I am wrong)

No I am not settled outside India, and I am it has not got anything to do with settling down in India or outside India

I don't blame OPs point of view. It all has to do with the surroundings and the culture and environment they someone has been most of her life. I agree some PILs are insecure when DIL comes in the picture. Some MILs will make life hell for the DIL, taunt them, do all sorts of emotional blackmail in front of the son and most of the time the Son will take the mother's side instead of the wife.
But there are DILs out there who don't want PILs in the married life from the word go. Even of the MILs or FILs are gem of people, some DILs they just don't want them in their married life. Period.

I think the reason to DILs not wanting PILs is very clear by what I have highlighted above. And the reason the PILs are gem of people is that they stay separate. What I mean to say is that if you live at a safe distance, there would never be any chance of misunderstandings, doomed expectations, haughty MILs, selfish DILs, fuming FILs and spectator DHs.

But I hope and I know things will be different when we are inlaws. OP came from a different generation ( I assume). We won't be evil PILs to our DILs who torture and taunts. I am sure female members here would give space to their DILs when their son's get married and will only interfere when they see something is not right.

This is a very very very subjective statement. If you are going to assess someone else's right and wrong from your perspective, then it wont change things at all. It will be a same story all over again.

How I will not be evil to my son and DIL??
Ans - I will ask my son and make him independent enough to take his own decisions. His life, his decision. Simple. If he chooses to let his wife decide, I am no one to question it.

[satchitananda]

Talking of stepping in when the "children" are doing something that is not right, it really depends on what it is that they are doing. There are three separate points here.

Why would the children do something that is blatantly wrong if the parents had stepped in when the "children" were really children i.e. during their formative years? If the parents had been such good, loving, caring parents at that time, the youngsters would be good, responsible people by the time they got married and they would not be so foolish that it needed elders to step in to correct them.

If it is a question of advising them in major life decisions, then it would be better to let them come to the parents for advice than intruding on one's own and trying to ram one's opinions down their throats. If parents followed this simple philosophy, I am sure the sons/daughters/sils/dils would surely come to them for advice on their own. They would respect, love and adore the elders for their wisdom and care. It is when advice is forced on them that they tend to rebel and brush the elders aside.

There are also instances where the dils parents suggest something and the man and his parents resent that. Why? Are her parents stupid? Do they not have the daughter's and sil's interests at heart? Did they not bring the dil up just the same as the man's parents brought up their son? Do they not have enough experience and wisdom in life to make correct judgments and to give suggestions?