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In-Laws or Out laws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mathangikkumar, Aug 9, 2012.

  1. falgunid18

    falgunid18 Platinum IL'ite

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    Pooja.. Super Duper Like!!!.
     
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  2. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Dude, don't get upset & slink away in a huff! You have to understand where all this is coming from. I know first-hand of at least one case where an NRI 'husband' never made any efforts to bring his 'wife' to the US because immediately after the wedding, after he had returned to the US to file papers for her to come as his wife, she wrote to suggest that they live separately from his parents who were living with him in the US. That's it - all she did was broach the subject. The retaliation was immediate and permanent. He made no move to file her papers. After apologizing ad groveling for years, she finally filed for a divorce. She never saw the guy after the wedding (except for the week or two he was in India for the event.) She was so utterly devastated by this that she made no effort whatsoever to pursue any other alliance that came her way. This in a "good", South-Indian brahmin (i.e. people who will quote the Bhagavad-Gita, the shastras and vedas at the drop of a hat), ostensibly 'god-fearing' family and an arranged marriage scenario. Not hearsay. I am close to this person.
    The women with a sense of humor and wit in their posts on IL I like very much! Sometimes I do feel as if some of the young women / DILs posting here have a chip on their shoulder. I do think that some responses are hair-trigger and humorless. I can almost see why they may appear to provoke without even intending to - but then I only have to remind myself of the background to understand the roots of the hyper-sensitization. There is a long history of genuine 'oppression' that is being righted, at least partially. Your feelings (and sometimes even mine) are collateral damage, unfortunately.
     
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  3. LifeIsAMystery

    LifeIsAMystery New IL'ite

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    I read the OP's thread and the posts made by members here.

    I think judging by the thread, OP is a middle aged lady who was brought up in a different environment and things were different. The members who replied to this thread are young married females ( most of them living in US - judging by their profiles) ( correct me if I am wrong)

    I don't blame OPs point of view. It all has to do with the surroundings and the culture and environment they someone has been most of her life. I agree some PILs are insecure when DIL comes in the picture. Some MILs will make life hell for the DIL, taunt them, do all sorts of emotional blackmail in front of the son and most of the time the Son will take the mother's side instead of the wife.
    But there are DILs out there who don't want PILs in the married life from the word go. Even of the MILs or FILs are gem of people, some DILs they just don't want them in their married life. Period.

    But I hope and I know things will be different when we are inlaws. OP came from a different generation ( I assume). We won't be evil PILs to our DILs who torture and taunts. I am sure female members here would give space to their DILs when their son's get married and will only interfere when they see something is not right.
     
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  4. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    in some instances what the op said is true. I have known some MILs who were really good to their DILs. But it is only in a minority.

    However i find there is no humanity in most of the MILs I have seen. My joint family is a disaster. My Mil, i will definitely say is unfit to be in human race at all. even animals have some compassion in them. I for one, though professionally qualified still don't know how I fell upside down into that hell. Partly bec of parents, partly bec of society (esp Indian society which has this taboo on divorced women), I managed somehow to adjust and survived my marriage. If u ask me one think which I don't want to go thro in this life, it is my joint family life. I definitely had lots of patience which I don't have now. For me joint family is life in hell. All it means is that other members in a joint family should show mutual respect and should not be biased in the treatment of their sons and DILs. If that changes only we can see joint family in future, otherwise in the next 2-3 decades itself it will disappear.

    So when we hear some talk such harsh words against joint family, it also tells that they have suffered at their hands. Moreover women now are educated, working and expect that they should be treated with respect. So we can't expect the age old tradition to survive unless the people change their attitude towards DILs. Also parents on both sides should be treated with respect, as written in most of the replies. I truly feel my fate did not favour a joint family(though before marriage i was all for it). So if anyone goes to have nuclear family it shows that is some thing is wrong in the family as such and we should not blame the DIL alone for it.
     
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  5. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Women in traditional India are supposed to adjust. The thought process has not changed. My own mil said that the dil should listen to whatever her in laws tell her quietly...she should not look up and talk to her in laws...etc etc. These beliefs only apply to her dil and not to her daughter. The desire to control sons has become stronger now.
     
  6. queenie29

    queenie29 Silver IL'ite

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    Its definitely a good read, and yes I have seen this (not a lot though, quite less), but I have seen A LOT where the PILs literally make the DIL's life hell.

    I am just putting my opinion based on my experiences - like everyone else her :).

    Like 'Rihana' mentioned i agree with her view point totally.

    And as "smritisinha' said, the kind of abuses the PIL can do to the DILs are unbelievable. I have personally experienced most of them and also seen these outside also.

    I think almost all PILs start believing that the new entry(DIL) in their sons life will SNATCH their DS and he wont take care of them from then on - which is SO NOT TRUE in most cases. DILs also come from a family (remember??) they were also taught how to treat elders (they may not be able to treat PIL like her parents - the same way as for PILs DIL is not the same as DD!) and to take care of them.

    Most cases I have seen are issues created by DH's family - mainly MIL & SIL(s) because of whom most divorces happening these days, and also there are cases (very few that i have seen) where DILs are the ones who ill-treat the PILs.

    PILs want their DILs to earn, take care of family, raise kids, cook, clean, and what not - but they forget that when they were married to their husbands, they didnt need to go out, travel for hours, take all kind of stress/tension at work-place, etc and then come home and fulfill their responsibilities as DIL.

    Time has changed, things have changed, DIL are not just permitted to the kitchen & house like old days. DILs have taken up additional responsibilities to help their husbands financially - which of course is for their own family. So if they are not giving their salary to the in-laws - its not a crime that they have committed.

    Also, to the DILs who might not want their PILs to be with them - we shouldn't separate parents from their children UNLESS until they are actually trying to break our relation with your husbands.
     
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  7. rosemary12

    rosemary12 Silver IL'ite

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    I agree to the remaining part of your post, word to word. But with due respect, when I come out of my house to live with my H, why can't my H also come out of his house to live with me? Its like I can have a nuclear family only if I am abused? I had to disagree with this part of your post. Even I am a child to my parents and I am ready to move out with my H. So there is nothing actually wrong for H to move out and live with me. JMO

    Regarding OP, I don't think there is much to add. Rihana and mommybird have said everything!
     
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2012
  8. Vasupradha

    Vasupradha Gold IL'ite

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    Mam,

    Whats happening around your close quarters, is what you stated, in the beginning...But I want to quote the saying, everyone knows, " kannaal paarpadum poi, kaadhaal kaetpadum poi, theera visaarippadhey mei " ( what we see and hear may go wrong, But we should enquire, analyse and decide things )..........
    Many may guess why am saying this....
    S.....you are stating whats happening around you now....But why its so?? How those DIL s are treated in the initial days of the marriage??
    My surroundings are also the same like yours.....But later I get to know, about the torture the DIL, underwent in her initial days......What you sow, you will reap ( S Exceptions are there, But not all DILs are like, what you have stated )....The DIL ( who s my distant relative ) welcomed PIL to US..and her PIL are used to south Indian dishes....all basic, sambar, rasam were made...for them....But her FIL, having the habit of eating sambar vada daily, needed it there everyday, s every single day , though she was ready to make one or two times a month.. ( s , everyday morning he eats it at 7 ).....and he s not a person, unaware of the US work timings, work pressure, as he deals with Real Estate Business in Bangalore.....and bad mouthed her.....for all many silly things, and returned to India after short stay...and son and DIL having their career there, and ready to take care of them, if they come to US.... ( without asking for silly things ).But FIL want them to stay in India and now her MIL suferring badly, but DIL, not willing to come to India.as she was tortured badly in her initial days by both of them..by using vulgar, third-rated language......and her FIL explained to me, that we gentleman live like that...adamant , EGO as we are male and you have to adjust as a DIL....
    Now all are blaming the DIL, seeing the present, not taking care of ailing PIL...But what they did it in past?? If they had treated her as a daughter , now she will treat them like her own parents...
    Mam, My PO, like some ILs, is , what you are seeing is exception, and many DIL are entering into marriage with happy dreams, and all her dreams become dreadful, by the people of her new family...and exceptions are there, minimum..as you are also a DIL..nows well the difficulties to adapt with the new family...and one question mam, pls think of , how the parents of the DIL were treated in the initial days of the marriage?? As my parents having only daughters, we are in a situation to take care of them, in their old age, and now, at their ailing times...But if me and my sis, are not allowed to take care of them, then, how I can be able to show my affection towards ppl ( PIL )., after knowing that, they are not ready to accept my act of taking care of my parents, who shed their every Rupee and every drop of blood, to bring us, as good professionals and Humans.....as we DIL s aka Daughters are humans, with love towards our own parents.....
    And I whole heartedly accept rihaana,:thumbsup mommybird :thumbsupand sohana s reply to quebec..:thumbsup..
    Vasu..:)........
     
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  9. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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  10. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    All said and done by several of you before..

    To OP's post :thumbsdown

    And I go by Rihana, Mommybird, Eandian, Vasupradha etc.. :cheers

    By the way, why has OP gone missing ?? :crazy
     

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