What should I do? Plz help me out to decide.

I am currently 30th week carrying for my second baby. My husband is planning to get his parents here for 1 yr so that they can look after the new born. Keeping in mind with previous experiences I had with my MIL at the time of first kid, I am hesitant to agree with my husband. Please read my story and suggest what should i do....

We are married for more than a decade now. Ours is a love marriage. I love and admire my husband a lot. He helps me a lot in house hold chores and takes good care of our kid. We used to live in India initially. Me and my husband never fought for initial 5 yrs of married life even though we had troubles from my MIL and SIL. we never used to live with Il’s but used to visit them regularly and used to send money every month for their living expenses. To admit my FIL is a very nice man. He is mostly away from home and he is not aware of things my MIL and SIL do as they behave very nicely before him and other family members.

I have a typical humiliating MIL. My MIL used to talk bad about me in front of others. She is a very greedy women. I never saw her satisfied with anything. She used to expect us to give our entire earnings to her and take money from her for our expenses. I ignored this proposal as it sounded to me very foolish. Another reason to ignore the proposal is that, MIL is a spend thrift. Due to this reason, they also had to sell their own house when my DH was young. My husband says tht he used to feel bad that they had to vacate their own house and again had to live in rent house.

MIL also has a very loose tongue. Example – She used to say me – Your level is not even equal to my daughter’s foot . [Fact is that.... I am a degree holder and working woman while her daughter had hardly passed 12th garde and is a house maker.I come from a wealthy family and there’s is a lower middle class family. There is no comparison between both of us].In front of every one in the family she behaves very sweetly. But I never used to bother for that. No matter what ever she says...I never used to back answer her. I just used to stay calm and ignore her......But I used to say to husband...so that he knows what’s happening. My husband never confronted his mom. He used to say my mom has a very loose tongue..dont take her words seriously. DH knows well about his mom as 2 of his elder brothers have got separated and started living away from family because of my MIL.

My policy is – No matter how my MIL is – I will bare her...as she is the one who bought up my hubby. For the sake of my loving hubby.... I used to bare what ever my MIL says.

When I was pregnant for my first baby, during 12th week..... my MIL and FIL came to see me. When my husband and FIL went out..all of a sudden....my MIL said – after ur baby is born ... u will go to job. who will take care of ur kid? Do u think u can through baby at my face and expect me to work like donkey for u and ur kid??

I was shocked :hide: to hear such words from her.As always I dint speak a single word...but said to my husband that MIL said so.My husband felt bad but was in a hope that after the baby is born his mom would help to bring up the kid.I left the issue there as I was sure this is not going to happen.
Even after delivery they dint offer to help to raise kid.we could not ask them as my mil already said her opinion. My old parents came forward to bring up my first kid.

During naming cermoeny of the kid, my MIL and SIL packed up all the gifts (gold,silver,clothes )that my kid got and were about to leave to take with them. Mean while my co-sister came to me and said my MIL and SIL are packing away and suggested me to act fast. Me and my husband were just spectators to what was happening. I asked my husband ...what to do...he said .... go and ask them to give u back the gifts ...so,I went and asked them. SIL refused to return.I became furious.I would’nt have mind if my MIL did so....what right does my SIL has on the gifts my kid got.So, I came back to my husband and said what happend.He said to go again and ask her again. I went and asked her again...she is a very tact full lady,,,,she only gave some of them....I dint realise at that time.When I came home from function hall and checked...I could not find most of the silver and gold items my parents and cousins have gifted. I said this to my DH.

By the time my DH went to his parents home to ask about this....Guess what happend...Before my DH went there ....My MIL and SIL had created a new story so that my DH cant question them. :bonk
Story is – they(SIL and MIL) planned of packing all the gifts and return to me when i went to their place...but mean while I did not believe them and snatched away all the gifts,,,,in this process we lost some of the gifts.Every one from my husband family believed their story and started accusing me...my husband was speech less and could not defend. Even my co-sister did not support me during the episode...inspite of she was the one who came and suggested me what to do.

They brain washed my husband and my husband came back and said me that they were correct and I made wrong assumptions about that. Hearing all these from my husband ....I was so upset and cried a lot. This episode went for months and I went into depression. Here I put my husband in fault as he was the one who asked me to go and get the gifts ....and finally blamed me that I was in wrong assumption. I was in depression for months...used to cry for nothing. I reduced visiting my MIL’s place regularly.

My major reason for depression was
1. My husband not supporting me
2. What does my FIL thinks about me...because of the impression my MIL and SIL created on me.I wanted him to know the truth.

Finally I decided to see a psychotherapist .I went alone and doc game me some medicines. My husband did not allow me to take the medicines saying I will be addicted to it. Mean time my husband also realised his fault and said he is ready do anything to help me come out of this depression.
I said him “ i wanted to openly talk to in laws and solve the issues” Initially, my usband was hesitant,but later agreed.

On our next visit to our inlaws place- i made my mil,fil and dh sit in a room and started talking about what all happened between me and MIL /SIL right from my marriage.I said to my FIL about all the things that my mil and sil used to do. For every thing my mil said she never did that .I said to her that i am openly discussing every thing to put a full stop and asked her to be truthful. she was so schocked...may be she never expected this from me. I said to my FIL that I was saying truth and took oath of my kid. My FIL was convinced that I was speaking truth and started shouting at my MIL.I said to FIL that my intention was not to make him shout at MIL...but I was trying to make thing clear to every one that I was not at fault.

In this discussion I made 2 things clear I said to my MIL
1. that I am no more going to tolerate her loose tongue to words me.
2. If she is going to unnecessarily mess up with me, she has to expect back answers from me.

From then on my MIL or SIL never dared to mess up with me....And me and my DH never fought again, but we decided that my DH would confront his mom if she again tried to mess up with me.

After this discussion, I was out of depression. And my FIL was more close to me and DH than before. With in months we flew to abroad. I used to be in regular touch with my FIL. Even if my husband is busy, I used to talk to FIl once a week and talk for an hr....and talk a little to MIL.we came back to India for a visit after 2 yrs and bought a house for my ilaws. Infact buying house was over our budget and my DH was not ready for such a big commitment. I convinced him to buy the house.Every one from my DH family knows this. Everyone were happy. ...especially my FIL.While we were about to check in for flight, my FIL said he treats me more than his own daughter.He said to me “ there were loads of mistakes from their side and asked me not to keep in mind of those bad days”.My MIL was also in the scene but she did not speak any. I was so happy to hear such words from my FIL. Every one from DH family appreciated me except for my MIL and SIL. Both of them never even acknowledged to my DH that they were happy about buying the house.

We flew back and I fell pregnant. My parents will come to help for my delivery. My FIL said he is ready to extend any sort of help....but my MIL never opened her mouth nor never offered to help. After 2 months of delivery, I will be flying back to India for my sister’s wedding. I cant/ don’t want to avoid this trip.

From the day my husband said his parents will come to help us raise the new born, I am so confused on what to reply back him. May be because of the hormonal change, my previous depression( during my first pregnancy) is taunting me. I am afraid that I will go back to my depression state again after delivery.

Here are my issues – Please help me decide
1. Because we will be in India, we will be expected to do naming ceremony for the new born- should I again do naming ceremony? I am very hesitant to do...but if I don’t do the function, it will not be fare for my new born. I am confused to take a decision. I am afraid that my MIL and SIL will behave the same ? I would’nt have mind to do the function if my MIL have agreed to her mistakes when I openly discussed with them. Also if I decide not to do we have to answer to my parents and In-laws why we are not interested to do the function. This may again cause some issues.....So I am confused.

2. Regarding my MIL taking care of new born - I don’t know how my MIL would behave as she already said during first pregnancy that she does not want to help me or my kids out. May be she would come to help me out just to look good to FIL and DH...but heart in heart she is not willing to do.Will she take good care of the baby? It looks to me like inviting troubles. I wish I could take break from carrier for yr or 2 to look after the delivery, but we are in debts because of the house we bought for our inlaws.May be by making few scarifies, we can still manage with single salary.

I discussed my fears with my husband,,,,,as always he said, we shall think of it when the time comes to shoot. He is not saying his decision. My parents are too old to help me out with new born.

What should I do? I dont have any incidence to consider that my MIL has changed,,,so how should I believe her now and leave the new born with her.What if she creates troubles in my life again? I don’t want to go back to my previous state of fighting and depression.

Please suggest what to do!!!!!!!!!
thanks for baring with me and reading the lengthy post.

 

Thanks for your reply

 

Thanks for your replies GoodLuk and DGcreative.
Rihana, I agree with - what you say is correct.

Anamika99 - Thanks for your suggestion.I am also think of hiring a Nanny

 

@mybaby1,
Thanks for your suggestion - I am least bothered about the gifts, I dont mind if my MIL wants to keep the gifts for her self.(offcourse would not like my SIL to keep the gifts) if my SIL tries to do the same, I will follow your advise. If at all I decide with carrying the function, all I will look forward is for a peaceful function and no regrests afterwords...btw the function will be carried in a function hall or a hotel.