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Mother-in-law Issue

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by marriednworking, May 31, 2012.

  1. marriednworking

    marriednworking New IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,
    This is my first post on this website and I was going through some posts by other women here and the replies were amazing, so I could use some help as well.
    Here goes, I'm 25, got married in 2010. I'm a practicing lawyer and so is my husband. It was a love marriage and I stay with my in-laws. The FIL I have to say, was quite supportive. But sadly, my MIL is just always dissatisfied with whatever i do. I work 12 hours a day. We have a cook, a maid for practically every job and frankly i don't even enjoy cooking. However, I don't mind minimalistic cooking. The problem is that my MIL wants perfection in every god damned thing. I clean the sofas, wash bedsheets (we work with a semi-automatic machine coz that cleans clothes the best). Look after the maids whenever possible. But the complaints don't end. My SIL though married, comes home every day for dinner. Though i don't have to cook everyday, and for that matter she doesn't interefere in our fights...I get so bugged because even I don't go home that often (my parents live in the same city). I can't wear the same clothes as my SIL. I stopped wearing trousers to work, I go in suits, and the in laws never go out of town. I'm just becoming more and more frustrated everyday. Is it wrong for me to want to move out? Just for the sake of independence? I've stayed in a hostel for 5 years and am quite used to taking my own decisions. And now I have to be answerable to my MIL as to where i am going etc. Please help me out.
     
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  2. mommybird

    mommybird Gold IL'ite

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    Toss the option to your husband that you would like to live alone for some time. You wanting your independence is not wrong at all. Better to stay away and be friendly than stay together and keep fighting.
     
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  3. tsweety

    tsweety Silver IL'ite

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    you talk with your husband about this frankly... instead of living near n showing cold shoulders n fighting everyday u can better be away n keep things right.. and one more thing u r telling that ur sil is living nearby.. so even though u r doing things right u r never gng to get good name (i m telling with my experience :D)
    so its better to stay for a while..
     
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  4. avarghese

    avarghese New IL'ite

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    I find it ridiculous that in this day and age, career oriented women are expected to be the "perfect" housekeepers. There just isn't enough time in the day!

    How is your relationship with your sister-in-law? Perhaps she can be an ally in trying to make your mother-in-law see how unreasonable her behaviour is?

    Also, what is your husband's reaction to all this?

    Agree that moving out is a good option, as long as it does not fracture any relationships.
     
  5. smartgirl83

    smartgirl83 Silver IL'ite

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    Take a break.....go out with ur DH ....explain him ur condition ......see what he answers .....if he understands ur prob he will definately find out a solution for you...woman today cannot stay in bondages....after all....u cant just mess up ur life for ur SIL and others.....live up to the spirit....life is precious......take ur husband in confidence....stay away.....from ur inlaws....love will grew better....!

    Cheers...
     
  6. marriednworking

    marriednworking New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much ladies for ur inputs. My husband is aware of the problems. Even my fil is supportive. But my hubby wont move out unless the offer comes from them. This thing came up in a confrontation come fight recently and my mil blamed me for planning the whole thing. She has never stayed with her mil but wants us to stay with them. Even i was brought up in a joint family but i think day to day issues r just not worth it. My sil and mil are two bodies one soul. How am i going to bond with her if shez there al the time? And looks like im the only one who thinks moving out is not that big a deal. I just want to do things my way is all.
     
  7. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Both of you are lawyers. So you are working from 9AM to 9PM. You ar home 12 hours and out of that you are sleeping 8 hours. So , its 4 hours of staying home on weekdays and on sunday you have to read up and plan for the coming week.
    Since moving out is not happening even with the support of h and FIL now take a deep breath and think how you can plan everything so you are at peace and happy.
    Your MIl will get control and bully you only if you let her do it. I don't mean fight and argue and make haome hell.
    Just listen to her complaints and move on. Don't react, comment, try to explain. Just say OK and leave. Basically ignore.
    Why did you stop wearing pants. See thats giving her power on a platter. More you try to please more demands.
    On a paper write down what is that you want to do and what is the outcome you are looking for and stick to it.
    Don't complain to h. He cant fix anything and you will loose your peace of mind.
    All the best.
     
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  8. raji2678

    raji2678 Gold IL'ite

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    Your MIL may have her own drawbacks, but I am sure she is not a bad person. Once you have a kid, the whole equation will change. Since your FIL has a good opinion about u, one-third of the battle is won. Do not think of moving out yet. You may exchange your current problems for another set. Give one more shot and try building a rapport with your MIL and SIL. Soon, they will accept yu as you are. Take a short holiday with all your family members, and then another one with your hubby. Invite your parents over. Invite your colleagues over. Slowly start taking independant decisions on small matters and then expand your scope. All the best.
     
  9. veenaruban

    veenaruban Silver IL'ite

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    Ya even i'm in the same phase. My MIL just comes to kitchen to find out one or the other mistakes when i'm there and pin points the same for 10 times a day. I get so frustrated every second when she is around me in home. I also work and reach home late due to traffic problems. In spite of this i go and cook food for dinner and prepare for the next day breakfast. but still she complains my husband as what work I'm doing.

    Guess what.. She always tells that gas is consuming a lot repeatedly when ever i start cooking. And tells me to cook all the things in cooker only(thinks gas will be saved in that way)..........Err!!!:rant

    She doesn't live me to switch on the lights in hall. Always she will keep the home dark. She just wants to save anything and everything. Just imagine...Full day to be spent in home without lights!!...OMG..:bonkThank god i'm working and not house wife....am saved in this atleast by being away from home.

    Like this she is just trying to dominate in one or the other way. But on the other side my husband always stands to my support. Cos he knew what his mom is.. So he always scolds her for the way she does. Still sometimes you know, just cant tolerate the way this MIL's treat us, words they shoot out and the facial expressions they give........:crazy
    She is too jealous that my husband supports me. Cos he knows whose mistake and who is doing what. For this reason itself, she tries to create some mess such that we both should get into fight. But we don't fight.

    Anyways god has blessed me a very supportive and understanding husband. Am happy for that...............:rotfl
     
  10. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    When I read ur post, I felt I am telling abt my MIL! Yes, it must be hard for u and it was hard for me yet I bear with it and my so called disobedience is letting her know that I will not listen to her blindly gradually.
    She always complains that I dont cook well but my DH eats what I make and says it's good to eat. But for my MIL the food is not good like hers and I dont take interest in cooking (I can do basic cooking for breakfast and dinner while managing my work and lunch when possible). Still she says u dont make soft chapatis and I cant help coz I am not so fond of cooking, I cook few things well but not everything. I just tell her that with time I will make good food. :p
    My MIL used to use semi-automatic washing machine and used to scrub clothes with brush and rinse them in water before dumping them in washing machine and she expected the same from me. But weekend was the only time I had to relax, so I asked my DH to get a automatic washing machine as we cant wash clothes like a washerwomen every weekend n tht also when we have a washing machine (MIL did it as she was a housewife and had plenty of time when she was young so she is used to that but I don't have time except for weekends!).
    I bought one automatic one and she didn't like it but my DH told her she doesn't need to sit n scrub clothes for hours. :p
    She tells me to dress up like a married girl and dress up but I can't go to office like that, I told her politely that I can't dress up for office and dress up for weddings n functions but for office I keep my dressing formal and minimal and she says that do this, do that but I act as if I am deaf. Same for cleaning, I do as much as I can, and ignore her talks. In fact u or ur DH can tell her politely that u cant do beyond this (talk to ur DH on how to convey this).
    I stayed in hostel for 6 yrs and I feel so frustrated that I need to do everything her way or she will interfere with my personal choices which my mom never did to me. But I have to accept her as she is my DH's mom and have to live with her. The only way is that I need to find a way which makes things work and let my MIL know that I am my own person and I appreciate her but I can't do everything like her.
     

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