SILs/DILs of different kinds

Re: SILs of different kinds

I have a different opinion on this. Relationships start to die not because preference is given to money. Is it not true that in order to satisfy some of the urges of our closed one, we tend to become busier in one of the task, that leads to less time spent with the people. When there is no time to try to erase the differences, we hold the grudes, and the relationship eventually start to die.

I say this because, during our teenage, our parents would have thought my son/daughter would become a doctor/engineer or what so ever. In order to fulfill these, we tend to make up our routine, once we complete our studies, the same parents would want to see us earning decent income, and leading happy life. In order to satisfy their expectation of earning decent income, we find ourselves in some routine life, which may not match with the life style of parents (or any other relationships). When this leads to difference of opinion, we do not have time to give serious thought about it, and work on it. We work only on those relationships which are of top most priority to us (could be spouse, kids), but other relationships would be later on which we tend to ignore, as they are not having direct influence in our day-to-day life.

This is my opinion as I have seen most of the differences exist and ultimately relationship dies as we dont try to erase them due to various reasons.

 

Re: SILs of different kinds

hi gaur78,

i do understand what you are trying to say.well i would be perfectly ok if my husband was supposed to help his sisters if they were in trouble(really in need) as relations are for help in your odds(not offcourse all the time)But here it is that i have been listening them literally saying all the time to my husband that "you are boy you do it ".this is what my MIL always says. so the same her girls have learnt from her.i just asked them that when it comes of gifting and taking care of responsibilities then why did not they said this thing(you are boy you do it) when their parents were spending lakhs on their studies, their carreer, their marriage and all that. why not that was only for the boy?i really get on my nerves when those girls talk about equality in all other matters other than taking responsibilities and gifting or giving things..this annoys me..and that too inspite of this that one is a docter and the other a gazetted officer..
as per my understanding gifting should be a mutual affair and out of love not as a burden and oneway..and that too when there are no financial constraints its just out of misery and the thinking that have been imbibed in them(sils)that they are only to receive not to give.

 

Re: SILs of different kinds

I dont think ppl sending parents to old age home is a majority.Very few cases. Most of the paretns live with their kids or live in their own hosue with some support from the kids

Parents in our culture do force their opinions on us. That is not a small percentage. that percentage is larger than 50%

 

Re: SILs of different kinds

3 lakhs is a big amount...even in the US, thats a big amount. Did you check why he refused? perhaps there was a chance that his brother wouldnt repay that 3 lakhs? easy to judge

 

Re: SILs of different kinds

728 as compared to what? India's population is huge so I dont know what percentage is the number 728. The only person I know who was sent to OAH was a man who was crzy. He was sent into mental hospital but they released him after couple of months. After coming home, he would beat his wife and grandshildren and came at them with a knife. The son decied to send hisfather to OAH.

Also OAH, arent they expensive? The non govt / non profit ones cost atleast 10-15g a month. With that money you culd easily provide a shelter and food outside an OAH.

My point - just because OAH are there, doesnt mean ppl are materialistic. Going for power and money is not a recent phenomenon and has been since time immemorial - the rise and decline of empires is an example of such

 

Re: SILs of different kinds

I seriously doubdt that good relatives will not help. If you have a good family, siblings will help (ofcourse within their means)

I have seen this in my family (my bro/sil). I have helped them and they have helped me.

so does my DH.

We only help with waht we can. The things we cant afford we dont do it. We are sometimes labeled as selfish when that happens. BUT you can only do so much. So in this case, is my DH and me selfish or is the other party selfish because we couldnt satisfy the request? (this is not about medical emergency)

 

If you have a very dominating, abusive boss, who always expect you to achieve unrealistic targets & give results and incase if you fail to achieve that target & he insults you, threatens you or abuse you, in addition he is very dominating, don't have empathy for employees and very khaddush types, now if you have to deal with such boss, what would you do, if he scolds you, would you answer back & scold him back?? If you do so, what will be the consequences, hmm? you may get fired or maybe you yourself leave the job to get rid of him, but then, who will provide for your family? what about your career? This question arise, isn't it, but then how to deal with boss, in such case, maybe you take middle grounds, diplomatic way to deal with it, maybe you will paster your boss to get favors/increment/promotions from him, never answer him back, (ofcourse you can't do that as you have no options), always act sweetly to him, but at the end you are human being, how much pressure you can take, after dealing with so much work pressures & such dominating boss, you will become exhausted & frustrated when u reach home. In front of boss, u have to act diplomatic though you don't want to & not able to raise voice to him, hence, you will take out all the frustration to your spouse, or maybe you badmouth your khaddush boss to your colleagues, friends, wife, etc. Because in front of him you can't say anything in a fear of losing job, but then being a human being, it is natural for u to hold grudges, frustration and resentment, & u need to take out that or share with someone to unleash your emotional burden, hence u'll do it by badmouthing him or taking out frustration on spouse/kids,

In Indian culture, unfortunately some (infact most of) in-laws think they can have unreasonable expectation from dil & she is obligated to fullfill that expectation, they think they can boss over or bully a dil, & dil is not expected to retaliate, she even can't tell anything to her dh as he too not listen to her, now a dil don't find it safe to back answer the in-laws or tell them on face abt thr behavior

in a fear of losing respect or love from her mommy's boy dh,
in a fear that in-laws might brainwash/complaint her dh,
in a fear that they call her parents & relatives to complaint about her,
in a fear of being kicked out of her dh's life by in-laws, & various other fears,

hence she will find this way to deal with them, she will have to behave sweetly to them in a hope that they might get happy with her and do not bug her, or maybe she feels forced to be sweet to them, but in the end, she is human being, she has grudges & resentment towards in-laws which neither she can tell them nor she can express to her dh as he may not listen to her, hence, she might want to unburden her negative feelings & she do so by talking ill about them to others. Maybe in your eyes it is badmouthing, but she just want to share to people that how she is being treated. If the dh listens her, understand her & try to fix the issue by putting his mom-sis in their place, then this situation might not arise. And if someone behave badly with you, then most people in our society act this way only. They will often not tell or raise their concern to someone who behave badly, they usually prefer to tell about it to others behind back, I have observed this general nature in 90% of people. It is not the fault of people who act this way, it is percieved in our society that telling someone on face about their ill behavior is not considered good so ppl will express their concern by talking behind back. Here dil can't be blamed alone, there can be enough reason for her behavior. Pastering in-law for property, not good, but again, a natural trait of common human being, all are money minded to certain amt of degree & in today's world it is considered normal too, but every action has equal reaction too, maybe the in-laws took advantage of her dh whole life by lynching money from him, & dh had always put his parents' needs before wife thought those needs were unreasonable, so the dil now expect a share in property so that she her dh and her kids have safe future.