Same story of MIL and Sil their drama

PanMan · Mar 10, 2012

Hi all DILs,

Read lot of stories about MILs and their behaviour in the forum. Feel stress free and relieved that my story is not different. My MIL tries to be nice with her DILs (me and my younger sis in law) but actually in heart its only her daughter with whom we are always compared with. My MIL is a miser, don't feel happy even if a penny is get spent on me by her., But when it comes to SIL, then my hubby is asked to bring gifts. She says to me " hum toh bahuein free mein layein hain" inspite of the fact that my parents gave them dowry., then she says " jo dia usse to bahu ke gehne and shadi karayi"( fact is all so called "ghene" are in her custody and I have been given few ).
24x7 its just Pooja ---Pooja (my SIL , her daughter) , as if she is the only woman left on this Earth whose dressing style is inspiring, cooking , studies , intelligence, husband , work etc etc.... are worth to be appeciated.
We live in US now, but through phone also she is like "You should call didi (SIL)"
I am fed up..The more she wants me to give importance to her Pooja's activities ,her silly talks about my parents and her miser attitude, more I do against that , by not calling SIL, answering back in some cases and ignoring few things.
This time I have decided whenever I will meet her , and the moment she starts her irritating things I will Try to supress her with witty and intelligent remarks so that she understands that there are ppl who are better than and more respectable that herself and her "POOJA".
When I talk to my hubby about this he gets annoyed and doesn't want to support me even if he accepts in heart that I am right. Instead he starts avoiding my parents and sister to the extent that he do not care to wish them even on certain occasions.(of course MIL is again involved to some extent in teaching him against my side of ppl).

Ur comments are welcomed and share your stories if u also have experienced same thing as I have.

pruthvee · Mar 10, 2012

you yourself is registered with virtual name but is disclosing your sil's real name here in public forum, so what if she is ur sil and u don't like her, don't disclose anyone's personal name here in public, think abt safety first..

you have asked to share experience, well, my experience, my mil-sil are nice, they have their cons but I manage, afterall no one is perfect, as long as my mil not mind with me and my hubby living separate, and I do not have major problems, I almost let go small small things. But overall they are nice, so what sometimes irritating, every one has their minus points, but the only thing is, they are not harmful people, and I am sure they will never do anything to damage my marriage.

Coming to you, you already know how to deal with as you mentioned what you are going to do, but imo, only answer back if its serious, don't say or do anything to hurt anyone's feeling. And don't have bitterness towards sil because of ur mil. Its not sil's fault that mil keep praising her. Every mother likes to praise their daughters, its ur mil's trait, for that sil shouldn't be punished.. think about it...

Ofcourse your hubby wouldn't support. put yourself in his shoe. If he doesn't talk to ur side, then u feel bad, then how would he tolerate if u say bad things about his mom-sis to him. Avoid telling to him. You aren't even living with ur in-laws and only see them once-twice in year, so deal with other little irritation and problem. Don't make it big issue.

PanMan · Mar 10, 2012

Hi,

Well the thing is I havent told other side of story...I am not punishing my SIL .. I call her on special occasions like her bday, holi diwali etc and I expect same behavior from her If MIL wants me to get close and respect her daughter , but in turn I dont get any.Above that my MIL constant pressure to call her, get gifts for her , make her feel special makes me sick. Dont I have an identity???? or dont I celebrate such festivals?

MIL could have advised my hubby to do same with my parents and elder sis (who are much elder than PIL and SIL) but no, then things are different. To add more , SIL is a dominating lady, makes her own independent decisions and wants others to work according to her, eg..she got pregnant within 3-5 months of her marriage and went for an abortion as she was doing job. To me , she always asked us to start a family right after my marriage. In fact she never talks anything else except to have kids. (Doesn't she understand that its me n my hubby's personal decision?? I also have a stressful career to think about

Regarding my hubby When I ask my him to call my parents on occasions like holi, diwali etc .. he denies, because I say that ur mother also asks me to call ur sis everytime n I do that , why cant u do that to my sis and parents?? there is no lie in this or I m not saying bad word for his mom n sis.
Whats wrong if I m thinking that if my MIL wants respect for her n her daughter then I expect same from my hubby for my ppl too .
Also, I expect MIL to stop comparing her daughter with me , we are different individuals, she is a special daughter for her but I am also a daughter of someone , whom she keeps talking ill.

Although we do not live together, but whenever we chat over phone , these issues arise, and that irritates me for rest of the day. Besides in future it is not necessary that we will live separate whole life.

MILs wants DILs to be a proper DILs but Cannot teach their sons to be a responsible BILs and then there is no word for daughters..

PanMan · Mar 10, 2012

BTW SIL's official name is a different one, its her nick name which her mother says , that I have posted here.
Whatever I have written is true and actually happens with me , which hurts my feelings and upsets me . If anyone think I done something wrong in disclosing SILs nick name ...then here it is : My official name is Mansi Bajpai - from illinois, US

Padmash · Mar 10, 2012

Hi Mansi,

Dear as long as u are happy with your married life just leave all these MIL and SIL comments aside. I will suggest you just ignore them. There is no need to tell all such things to husband when he is good to you. I too have faced such situation and everytime i complain i feel we two are drifting apart but others are enjoying as they did. So dont bring them in between you two. Now you are not living together so its easy.. ek kaan se suna and dusare se nikaal diya.. try to make this possible.. they may be good person for friends and their blood relatives but our society is obsessed with a belief to create problem for DIL. When she asks u about to start a family u can say did hum to aapka intezaar kar rahe hai pehle aap good news do... i wish after this she wont ask u again. Another thing dont force your husband to wish your parents and sis for any festival, even dont show your parents he is present there with u.. avoid his presence as much as possible. I too faced this problem. After 2-3years i decided i must avoid his presence when i speak to my parents. Even he is sitting with me i will never mention his name and if my parents asked about him i used to tell them he is doing some office work and finish.. after many episodes like this he himself asked me that he want to speak to them... i just keep away from all the information going on in family.. now he asks about everything. What i make sure that when we are present in front of them he must behave or i will be the most dangerous person. i dont mind what he thinks about them, its like chasing a snake and unable to catch it. I hope u understood what i mean to say..

CryingHeart · Mar 12, 2012

hi Mansi,

hugs to you... get one thing straight... you are not alone in this... there are soo many DILs who suffer worst..

always daughter is daughter... DIL is DIL.. just ignore what all she says...

be happy that u dont have to stay with them.. pick up a hobby/find some job... keep urself busy that way u wont have time to think abt the stupid comments passed by ur MIL..

regarding you talking to ur MIL/SIL and ur hubby talking to ur parents, tell ur hubby that if he wishes that you shud talk to ur MIL/SIL then he shud also extend the same to you... u remind him of the birthdays/ special occasions to talk to your parents..

silvertulip · Mar 12, 2012

Well dear, learn to ignore ur MIL's talks, that is the only way here. No matter what, for a mother her daughter is the best! And for ur MIL even if u are very good, she will still compare u to ur SIL and find her better, so stop losing ur peace of mind over it. Since u don't stay with ur ILs, u will see them for a brief period time when u visit them, so better bear with them, ignore and it's over! Don't fight with ur DH over these petty issues of ur SIL/MIL. If u feel bad about him not talking to ur parents, then he also feels the same for u not talking to his parents/family. Have a direct talk over this issue and tell him that both of u need to talk to each other's family for keeping cordial relations and it can't be only u doing this, he also needs to be good to ur parents like he wants u to be good to his family. And dont complain about ur MIL/SIL'S petty talks and behaviour coz no person likes hearing bad things about his/her family (u also won't like ur DH complaining about ur family, won't u?). Keep ur ILs talks separate from ur relation with ur DH and you have decided how u will deal with ur MIL/SIL next time so cheer up and enjoy ur life! :thumbsup

MyCreativity · Mar 12, 2012

Hi Dear,

Your situation has picked up a soft corner in my heart. I am a working mother and have in-laws staying with me who have their own set of rules and restrictions...but still I feel they are very goood as compared to others.

What you described is a condition that exists in each and every house!!
No Gyan....just a suggestion...Be Strong and have a big heart and mind. Treat every single day of your life being ecstatic...and stop digging on past. Remember only what you like and forget the bitter.
Learn to Forgive and forget...trust me you will be a lot happier.

All mothers love and praise their daughters...I am sure your mother must be doing the same for you
As far as husbands are concerned, I pity them ....they are the ones actually who get crushed from both the sides...So avoid discussing such matters with your husband. Give him some space, dont compare and never ask them to choose between you and family.

Just follow these simple advice and I am sure you will be a lot more happpy
Trust me it is no bookish thoughts...these are the lessons learnt in 6 years of my wedding and it helped me to make my life better and happier

Good Luck dear.

PanMan · Mar 12, 2012

Thanks padmavt, pruthvee, crying heart , my creativity and silver tulip for your precious advices. I feel relaxed after learning from the experiences in this forum that there are other ppl who are in worse condition than me. I think when a lady in her middle age becomes a MIL , she thinks that she has lost her son to her DIL , (which actually doesnt happen).Its quiet obvious that during initial phase of marriage both girl and boy want to enjoy their new chapter of life all be themselves ( which looks like a separation from parents). None of newly wed wants to ignore their respective parents and ILs. But ppl just cant understand , like my SIL said during our engagement ," Ab to mera chhota bhai meri sunega hi nahi." ( although she was just kidding , and I dont mind it)

But to be honest this is the actual real feeling which every MILs and SILs have. Obvious its same from Girl side too , but most them know that " girl is a paraya dhan" (she will not stay with her parents for long time).
Anyways,, I have been married for less that 2 years now and since this was the first time I was experiencing such MILs and SILs drama ,so it has always occupied my mind. I think eventually me n my MIL, SIL will become accustom of each others nature , and I definitely will make her understand that her stupid comments will not be entertained in future as I am no more a newly wed bride + DILs and her family has a identity too.

buddy2012 · Mar 13, 2012

Hi Mansi

what you have mentioned here is so so so very true of all families.

Daughters shall always be placed on pedestals and praised and dils always belittled, that is the age old story. my mil also does the same and husband also doesnt talk to my parents and sisters, buit i always praise his side-mother,sister and soin in law. you kow what one should stick to their goodness, kisike ke saath bura mat ban jao, its a karmic cycle, dont break ur karmic cycle of goodness and get into some one else's cycle. Dont know if i am making sense, but this is what i have adopted and it works for me. there is god almighty who is watching over us and shall give each their due.

cheeers. keep smiling.