Why always talk about pain?

hi shallu!
i really liked your post!
even i feel a lot of time we see a lot of negativity about relationship with in laws in IL . i am a new member and started using the site because i have taken a career break to enjoy the married life with my husband.
i am in a inter religion ,inter state , inter language marriage. so u can sense my apprehension about how would my relationship with in laws turn out to be.i had my own share of doubts and fears so much so that one day before marriage i told my mom, i think its a wrong decision with so much differences i dont know how would it work out?
my mom being in a inter caste marriage herself gave me a really good advice which i follow till date. she told you are going in a new family where nothing is going to be similar but if u have prejudices and some preconceived notions u will never be happy. have a open mind. learn to accept things as they come and remember that how people behave with u is a reflection of ur behavior towards them !
i wont say married life has been a bed of roses but its also a road of thorns.
when we married my mil was insecure about how will my dh behave with them ,my dh was very adamant to marry me and although my in laws had no prob as they liked me but they had their concerns. so i felt it was my duty also to make them feel that i am not grabbing their DS or DB ! when my dh came from office i made sure we spend some time with his parents. we would watch tv , although i dont understand tamil but still i had no prob when they put sun tv as i took it as a opportunity to learn tamil only
even in food or other things when our opinions dont match i would not try to take it negatively! i had no problems in learning to do her pooja , going to temple or even learning about their customs and when they also realised that i wont change their ds they started going to my place of worship . so on sat we go to temple and sun to my place !
my dh gives money to his parents , but whats wrong in it ? they are his parents also, i have a brother my self tomorrow when he marries i dont expect him to cut off all his ties with us , so how i can i expect my dh to do so ?
a lot of my friends say i am a fool :hide: and should be more firm with dh also that i take way too much care of my in laws but the things is i don't do it because im scared of society or my in laws, its because i feel real happiness can be achieved only with ur loved ones.
my dh gets very happy when he sees me making all the efforts , his happiness gives me happiness and by god's grace i am in a family where my efforts are appreciated and my in laws always praise me in front of everyone. in fact at times they are so protective about me that when someone says dont u feel bad u son married an outsider ( thats how lots of ppl say ) , they say no we are very happy ! but that has not come in one day!
it takes years to built a relationship and moment of furry to destroy everything !

 

We talk about pain because we actually have pain, a pain which is unable to express or explain, this is the only forum when I visited and saw the posts I understood that I am not the only one, and this the place where I might be listened, where someone will understand me. Maybe in real life I have no friends to share my grievances or no one who can understand all that problems, but after coming here I found there are so many virtual friends who would understand me.

Problem is not the expectation of in-laws, problem is with their attitude, behavior, emotional manipulation & abuse towards dil, which any dil would find hard to express. For eg: mil grabbing kid, if a women express it to someone, then maybe someone like you say that if u can't stay without your little kid, how could she stay without her 30 year old son, now when someone make such strong argument, which in reality makes no sense, but this argument will attract the people of society & will be used for emotional blackmailing to all helpless dils, this helpless dils will have no option and can't explain her grievances to anybody. Here mil spending time with kid is not an issue, the real issue is the subtle manipulation and evil intention of mil behind doing this, which dil easily understand or get the intuition about the intention of mil, but this is such an issue which dil neither can stand nor express to anyone. And this helpless dil, due to this helplessness, either become so aggressive, go into depression or gets frustrated. Now you will ask wht bad intention mil might have, I can explain 1000 of reasons but can't write here, I can also reply to your all other arguments, my own thread is pending to reply, but when I saw this post I preferred to reply it first, as of now I need to go. I will try to get back to your post. But only and only remember one thing, that people who come here may not have time to write their life story or may not want to bore others, so they just write the point thats bothering them, or they are unable to write and express properly and write the post in a way that people might misunderstand them and ladies in the same shoe understand them well and help them accordingly. Do not judge anyone like this just based on their posts, you can only know one's situation in you are in the same situation.

 

Shallu !!
kudos to your post in fact it made lot of sense.

 

Possessiveness on both sides cause trouble.

 

Hi Shalu,

I am in love with your post and you have spoken my heart...Most of the times we hear only one side of the conversation and believe everything to be true. Only when we hear 2 sides of the problem then only someone can arrive at a proper solution...Let me give an example in my own house.

One of my relative aunt she sacrificed everything for her children(we have seen her sacrificing) (2 sons). Now both the sons are in good positions and are in US and German and earning good money. Now the sons understand their mothers sacrifice and the mom feels that her responsibility is done now and wants to enjoy her life now. She goes on foreign tours, buys jewels etc from sons money. Here the wife may feel why should my hubby spend so much on his mother but what she fails to see is the mother has sacrificed a lot to make her son what he is now and now she wants to enjoy what she lost. I really dint feel anything wrong in this; common she has sacrificed soo much why can she be happy now is my question?
(Here if this DIL comes and post she will say all about how her MIL is enjoying her life by making her son spend; again we all will hear to one side story of DIL and we give suggestions)

After this i was wondering if i have a son and i struggle my whole and sacrifice everything to make my son a doctor...and in case i fall ill and cost is high and my son wants to treat me...will my DIL object to this as the treatment will be free for me? Can i enjoy the ripeness of the fruit for which i sacrificed my whole life in times of needy...


PS: I am sorry if i have hurt someone...but this is reality

 

hi swathi!
what u said is so true ! sometimes see only one side of the story.
see when we marry either we expect our in laws to be ultra kind and accept us with open arms and make us the star of their life so else many more who hear all negative talks about mil and sil believe that from day one that mil is all a devil and they have to be firm and rigid and try to keep their dh to them !
why cant we just be neutral ?
i agree some people really have to face a lot of trauma and come here to vent out their anger, hurt and frustration but sometimes things get carried away !
its wrong to be too possessive and it holds both for dil as well as mil !
i am sure here also a lot of members might say we can say so as we are blessed to have a good family !
anyways for me people say i m a die hard optimistic and always see the glass half full !

 

I guess it depends on not only your mindset,also on your MIL mindset.


I take my case for example,Ours is Love/Arranged marriage.After marriage,we were planning to go on HM trip,instead my MIL insisted on going for 10 days Pilgrimage tour, just to make her feel comfortable and happy,we canceled our HM and we went there. All thru the trip,my MIL and SIL were hugging my husband and holding his hands etc,I am not saying its wrong,when a new member comes to the family and all she knows there is DH and that trip was supposed to be their HM and even then they didn't spare me.In fact,me and my DH could not even be left alone for few minutes. I think all this is because of the insecurities.

This is just incident to start with and there are so many incidents in my/every one's life. The problem here is, MIL/SIL will be having lots of expectations and on the DS/DB, at the same time time when a girl enters in their son/bro life,many people can't take it well, as they will feel that girl will take away their son..in turn all that insecurities will be shown in different situations and off course will hurt the girl's feelings(as when she gets married,she has her own thoughts/expectations)...and because of this,huge fights/misunderstandings...If the guy can't handle them properly,thats it,its a messy house

One thing I have realized from various posts in the forum is You cannot change anyone in this world and hence change yourself, thats why i guess I keep seeing lots of advice on "Hang on" or "Ignore" etc.

Age/experience should get the maturity to a person,whether its MIL/DW/SIL/DH anyone, but unfortunately,most of cases it does not happen with MIL/SIL..don't no why....But at least what we can do is not to become like one,when our son gets married.

Again,these are my 2 cents.

Thanks.