My mother in law and my parents.. pls help

jewel4u86 · Nov 26, 2011

<meta http-equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"> <title></title> <meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 3.1 (Linux)"> <style type="text/css">  </style> Dear All,

I am fed up with my mother in law she always creates issues whenever i ask them to go to my parents house. Her temperature increases. she is ruling my dh's mind. she has filled dh mind with all negativity. she acts and shows as if whatever she does is right and i m doing everything wrong. she always blames me and family for any incident. In these two year of married life my mil always finds one or the other way to insult or blame me and my family. she intentionally speaks such words which creates negative impression in my husbands mind. my husband is already against my parents. he does not want me to go to my parents house any day. My sis's marriage is after 4 days, and everything is pending. my mothers health is not good, my father is busy with his profession, brother is younger. so i have to manage each and everything. now at the last moment if i dont go and handle the situation it would be very much difficult to manage all the things. My MIL is aware of it then too she does thing due to which distance between me and my husband increases.

I am telling u some of the circumstances.

Few days back my husband went into our room and locked it, so i was knocking on the door in a hard, manner as i was tired and i wanted to get in the room. so she told my FIL that as she has came from her mothers house she is fighting or she is behaviouring like this. so negative impact of me on my husnand and FIL

My MIL always knocks our door around 5 pm in the morning to wake upo my hubby for his gym. But her intention is to discuss abt me and my family on my back. They do this things everyday. And everyday she fills her mind with all the wrong things and make him against my parents and family.

Day before yesterday i told my dh and MIL that i will be going to my house as they need my support, so my dh told u will go on 29th. i dint replied as i did not wanted to make any issue. then my mil told that u have to come back on 28 th as on 29 th its my marriage anniversary. I said ok. Then the topic was over at that time. Then yesterday when I asked my husband that r u cmg to drop me at my place he said yes. Then intentionally at that time my mil asked me where r u going I said to my parents house as I told u. she started saying that ur hubby told u to go on 29<sup>th</sup> then y r u going today. I did not wanted to make any issue so I told her that he was kidding. So she again asked my hubby that were u kidding? Have u permitted her to go? So he said no, I have not permitted her. In this way she want to create an impression in his mind that I am doing the things against his wishes and want to create distance between us.When I asked her that mom why r u raising the issues she shouted at my that I am not raising an issue, u askd so I replied to u that what I was asking ur hubby, then she said I was kidding, then she said whenever u want to go to ur house u create issues and spoils the mood. Etc. etc. I called my hubby and told that u knwow that every preparation for the marriage is pending and I have to go and help then so please let me go, so he said I have not stopped u. but my mil interferes in between us and created a bad situation and filled up his mind with the negativity.

She keeps on hammering in my husbands mind that I m doing everything against his wishes. As well as she has filled up his mind in such a way that he never permits me to go to my parents house. He also tells me that u r going to ur house against my wish. U dont want to listen us, u get angry if we say no. and if u want to do as per ur wish then dont ask us.

What is wrong in going to parents house? As he needs his parents and his parents needs him in the same way I also need my parents and they also need me. Why do they dont understand this things and creates issues.
She always creates such a situation which is always against me and my family. My mother is suffering from liver cirhossis and she is not able to run and get the things done. She never forces me to help her out. But being a child its my duty to help her. But my hubby and inlaws does not understand this things.

My hubby does not care if I go to my parents but my mil makes such situation due to which he takes things negatively. She has created impression on my inlaws side that my family is bad and no relations should be kept with them. She leaves not a single chance to utter bad things abt my parents. I could not stand this and sometime I reply back. How long shall I bear the insult of my parents. They have taken care of me how can I hear bad things abt them.

Now how to tackle this things?

Why we dil has to always bear inlaws bad words, harassments?

guesshoo · Nov 26, 2011

Oh dear! I sincerely hope that your sister's wedding goes on well. Best wishes to her.

My sympathies though regarding your plight at your in-laws' place. Since there isn't much time and your parents + sister need your help, just inform (NOT ask permission) your husband and in laws sweetly that you are going to attend to the wedding preparations. Go on without further thought and enjoy your sister's wedding.

What I have found to work in such situations is to not ask for permission. Instead just saying, "Today, I need to go to help out for the wedding" will do. Any further questions from anyone, you just repeat the previous statement without engaging in any further argument. No "But there's so much work". No "Please let me go". A maximum of "I have promised to run around for the wedding today/ this week" should do.

I have seen women like your mil. The biggest mistake we can do is try to "correct" them or reason with them. As they say in my mother tongue, you can wake a sleeping man up but you can't wake a man who is pretending to sleep. Your discomfort feeds your MIL's attitude. Just ignore EVERYTHING she says. Don't complain to your DH about his mother. Just be pleasant and upbeat with him as usual. If he asks any unreasonable question, just pleasantly state "I think it is only fair I help my mother since theres noone else at such an important time. I'm sure you'll agree."

Good luck. I hope you get to enjoy the wedding.

Version3NR · Nov 27, 2011

Yes ,I too agree ...stop asking for "permission" to do your duties/rights.Instead "inform" and just walk out

.....Also,I too agree that it is no use trying to "reason" to such ppl.It just doesn't matter to them if you are "right".They just don't want you to do what you want........

Start filling your emotional bank account with your hubby ,

...and ignore her.....You can "reason" to your hubby if he listens though( inform him b4 you inform your mil).When you inform your mil,don't give a chance to be effected by her face expression/taunts.Just walk out to your family confidently..

Enjoy the wedding! All the best!

satchitananda · Nov 27, 2011

Hi,

First things first. As far as going home and helping your parents and taking care of your mother is concerned, you do not have to take permission from anybody. They are your parents and you are duty bound to look after them.

Don't bother to answer your mil if she asks you anything. If you must, you can sweetly say that just as they need their son, so too your parents need their daughter.

From what you say, it sounds like your H is just being diplomatic and factual. He does not want you to go, or is not giving you "permission", but he is not stopping you either. So just leave it at that.

You need not worry about what X, Y or Z has heard about you or your parents from your mil. It really makes no difference. Even if they were to hear glorified stories about all of you, they are not going to come to help you when you need. So why worry at all? Just carry on with your own life.

By paying too much heed to your mil's behaviour, you are rewarding and reinforcing her behaviour. Give her the royal ignore, and out of sheer frustration, she will eventually stop.

inlovewithmylyf · Nov 27, 2011

Dear, I feel sorry for u... It is very clear from ur post tht ur MIL wantedly brings up the topic of u going to ur home, picks up a fight with u in front of ur hubby n shows it to him tht ur disobeying everybody... Ur husband is playing it safe by neither saying yes or no to u... He actually has no problem in u going or coming or whatever but he is scared to let u take ur decision in front of his mother... So, right now, leave him.. Right now, ur problem is ur MIL... U better dont get her permission at all... U have an important occasion coming up at ur place, so u have to be present there, especially when ur mother is soo ill... Tell her tht u will be goin on such and such a day n coming back on such and such a day, let her know tht u have been given some responsibilities to be done n u need to get all tht done before the wedding... Try to ask ur husband to drop u n pick u up, atleast in tht way he can show his head in the wedding home... If he does not agree, just forget it... N don't discuss about u going to ur mom's place or u anything about them in front of ur MIL, just speak all tht with ur hubby in ur room when both of u are alone... N, why dont u join ur hubby too in the morning while he goes to the gym?? Tht way u get to do some exercise n also stop ur MIL from badmouthing others' early in the morning... ... All ur MIL can do is brainwash ur hubby's mind against ur parents, she cannot do anyother harm to u... So, just ignore her because u really cant ask her to stop what she has been doing for soo long.. N the more u fight with her for this, she will do it more... She wants to irritate u, thts why she is doing this... Just ignore her for now... N see what happens...

Jananikrithsan · Nov 29, 2011

Hi there,
Going to your mum's place is no fault, get that straight! Why should you not help with your sister's wedding?
But getting to the issue is you cannot handle everything alone so give it to a contractor and you supervise it with the help of your family, the contractor can ask you for all the instructions or sit with him and tell him what you exactly want and then keep tab!
This is to save your time and avoid unpleasentness with your DH!

mybaby1 · Dec 4, 2011

i totally agree with others that there is no need of asking for permission to your MIL n just inform them and ofcourse your DH as he is important to you.try to keep your relation smooth with your DH and in peacefull times when its just you both try to explain it to him that its just like he takes care of his parents so do you want to do the same .what if you stop him from doing that?will he like that or be ready to accept that.?

Anyuna · Dec 5, 2011

Different people have different views .Mine is that for the sake of showing respect for an elderly person of you house,(for their mental benefit )you can ask permission.It up to you whether you want to hear the reply or not.Indirectly like informing them that you are going,that's it.

tinku · Dec 5, 2011

I can say two things at the point.

One thing u can do is instead of asking permission to your DH in front of her, ask him when you both are alone. Tell him that he should not change his opinion if his mom says something regarding this.

Or the second point is instead of asking permission from DH, ask permission from her, not in a pleading manner, but in an informing manner saying that your mom is not well and that you have to take care of things.
I know that sometimes this might not work out. Just try once.