Is it our culture?

Actually our aged PILs ans even parents love following their own routine instead of adapting to the timings of the family. Waking up , bathing , doing pooja then having breakfast is quite late , nearly mid-morning.
Maybe they do it because they dont know what to do with their time, this way half the day is over.
I have seen this happening with retired people, they change their morning routine completely , become extremely religious and are happy that half the day gets over doing pooja etc.
Maybe your MIL wants attention from you and some interaction too. She could also be waiting to have lunch with you when you are late!
You can tell her to have lunch the day you feel you will be late.
If we see the other side of the coin , aged people crave company , just providing food and amenities is not enough.
Try to involve her in your activities , maybe she feels neglected and ignored.

 

Monita I understand your frustrations.. and they're felt by a lot of women who have dependent senior members as well as juniors and esp when your health itself is not supporting you somewhere.

I can say vent out.. take a deep breath and do whatever you feel comfortable about.. let her speak as much possible to her relatives... she anyways wont be giving you medals or accolades if you slog out to please her.

Yes its the indian culture of becoming dependent on single son and his wife by hook or crook, becos they've invested on their son thruout their life.. to be their Shravan Kumar..... very few save the grace of being independent.

Recently a lady I met was mentioning.. my son shall soon be of marriageable age.. he's my only son.. so he has to live with us only... also he's very much attached to me... and says mom if I marry someone who doesn't look after me.. then you have to take care of me... so I shall never go anywhere.. .
Felt like telling her... dont get him married...
but then told her as per current trend have a house for him next to yours for a long term happy married life and old age support... but she wasn't in support.. no no no. that means 2 houses even if close by.. how is it possible.. only son means 1 family... finance not a reason.. but the emotional strings with the ONLY son... yes for sure..

PPl in their age feels that whatever was lacking during their time is JUST sufficient for the current generation.. what they forget is there are more requriements (manyfolds) added to their list...

 

hi monita

i think its not at all the food issue, or as the flowerlady suggested the interaction issue, its purely an attitude issue
my FIL visited us and stayed with us a total of 10 months. there are problems say in every thing but i would like to say about the food issue as the post of yours is all about the food issue. by the time he came to our place i had a miscarriage in 4th month and went on with bleeding for the next 2 months which finally cleared out with a D&C. i didnt have much strength to do much work. in the initial days i cldnt even walk from bedroom to kitchen. and i was working full time with 12 hr shift earlier, after his arrival just to make myself on the lighter end shifted to 8hr shift.

all the while he stayed he had a major problem with me... say morning tea.... he takes atleast 2 cups with half an hr gap sometimes 3 and expects me to serve him when ever he takes.. i used to prepare tea for him and his son but i too need to get ready for work so i cant serve tea in the subsequent times. i cant help it out... but later he started preparing tea for himself and his son as well and i thought the problem is solved as he is helping himself.. nope he took revenge on me in a way that i even cant think of. as soon as his son left for work he used to go into bathroom and comes out only 5 min before i leave to work making sure i would never get time to use bathroom say for brushing,using toilet or for that matter taking a shower. i used to wait and wait comb my hair and dress myself and once he comes out i used to brush and take my bag and run to station. only i used to take shower after coming from work and use toilet at work place, this kinda stuff he did the whole of his stay. i just cldnt say that he needs company or something else, neither till this day i dont understand what his act meant to be, the more i think i cry out how i had lived all those days...

by the way the first two months i had bleeding because of miscarriage and i desperately need to take shower and a fresh napkin as well,


the breakfast... we used to have cereal for breakfast, one day he eats and the other day he skips ,he either prepares ragi porridge or sago and eats peacefully.on the weekends i make any of the indian tiffins for breakfast...but then also he used to fight. once i made dosa batter for 2 days and the first day he was fine with it, but on the second day he is talking so much non sense saying that if he goes to any hotel and what ever he orders he is going to get it, and he is challenging what areyou thinking of me?/.... i just cldnt understand this how come anyone who goes to a restuarent or a hotel what ever they order they get the same. doest he get the thought that he came to sons place but not to a 5 star hotel..


for lunch i used to prepare curry the previous day evening itself as i had to go to work by 7 am. he never used to eat what i cooked for lunch saying its stale and it was yesterdays food and used too prepare himself some curry and rice, and never he used to finish what he cooked and in the evening he used to say that he doesnt want to eat what he made it went terribly wrong and he misttok the procedure of preparing it. sometimes he used to not take lunch and go to KFC which is just few mts away from our place.. those days are those days where his son used to pick me from work or station and we both used to come together.. so those days he used to wait for his son to have early dinner by cooking for himself and his son ... and the drama is the son used to think that his father was super nice that he prepared food by the time we came home.. and used to call me to join for dinner but alas the food is not sufficient had i had to go hungry...


if at all it is week ends he expects me to serve which i used to do but then there is a big twist there, he used to finish his lunch and then i shldnt make a move to serve food for my self , but i had to wait for him to tell you too can have food, only then i shld eat, but if serve the food even before he says that i tooo can have food he keeps on asking for tea, where i need to rush with my lunch and prepare tea for him... God alone knows what was his problem....

 

Hi monita, hugs to you.
Does your MIL ever mention to relatives that she is being taken care of well, that you guys took her to so-and-so place, bought her this and that etc.? Or does she call only to complain?

Yes, in our culture there seems to be a rule that the son (especially elder one) has to take care of the parents and sometimes siblings also. Even if other siblings are well-off and want to take care of parents I have seen some parents fixated on staying with the 1st son. God knows who started this and where it is written. My MIL has 3 sons and is more fond of the second, but hates it when DH (first son) gives money or buys gifts for my parents. I have heard from co-sis that BIL sponsors his ILs' vacations and they stay with them on-and-off but MIL always defends them and does not seem to be bothered by it. It is like "This is my first son and DIL, so they have to give us more priority and not do anything without letting us know."

Coming to your issues, if MIL calls relatives only to complain, it means that you can never please her. Nothing you do is going to make you happy. May I ask what exactly you are expecting from her? Do you want her to stop complaining or do you want her to do her own stuff or both? If it is the former, I do not think she is going to change at 70. So why do you want to try pleasing her. Do the basic stuff and do not bend over backwards. Since she badmouths you anyway, why do you want to do more only to get stressed?

And what about your DH? Does he know how you feel? He should ask his mom to stop calling relatives to complain. He should tell her that you are doing your best and what more does she want? Else you should politely but firmly tell MIL that you are upset by what she is doing-if she has any problems ask her to tell you directly. I would also talk to the relatives sometime and tell them that you respect her a lot and do everything but she is never satisfied. You do not have anything to lose.

Not saying that all this will make her behave better for sure, but you just might feel less stressed and let her know that you are pained by all this.

 

lifeisajourney, I am sorry for what you had to go through. Sounds terrible. Really makes you wonder what his problem was. God, the way people trample all over the DIL!