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Settling in USA and interfering MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Happyqueen, Sep 15, 2011.

  1. Happyqueen

    Happyqueen New IL'ite

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    Hi ILites,

    Mine is rather a weird problem.. I never had the craze to settle abroad. But when I got a good proposal of a boy who works in USA, I was happy and I got married. After marriage I came down to USA with my husband. We were very very happy for 8 months but once my MIL came down, everything changed. My husband is a gem of a person and I am very lucky to be his wife. But my mil... is way too interfering... from what I cook like what ingredients to add and what not to, from what I talk , from what I think about things.... everything...she does not even allow me to express views on a general matter which is going on TV... she dominates her ideas on us and does not give us "SPACE" at all...!!! this is very suffocating... and this is not all, she spends way too much groceries and wastes so much.. while we are only 3 at home...I am a planned spender, and this pinches me.. she demands a lot of money from my husband... my husband knows her nature but she emotionally blackmails him so he is quiet..

    last month, due to some stress, i missed my periods.. She is always behind my menstrual history and when she learnt this ,she became over exited while I was pretty sure I was not pregnant. She forcefully sent me for a blood work and it obiviously came back negetive.. She is constantly poking me on this from that day on...But its only because of my husband that I always calm down..

    But now the real problem has started.... We always wanted to come back to India..But now we feel USA is a better option for us.. both of us work... and there are too many money thirsty people back in India (his side) and hence I dont want us to go back... My husband does not show out openly but yes, deep inside he feels the same as me.. but my mil is dead opposite to this.. She wants us back at any cost... Actually she is a widow and stays alone in India. So we offered her to come and settle with us here.. But she is not ready for this also.. atleast we want kids here and she is not letting us stay here for more than a year.. this is such a tricky situation.....

    But my SIL stays in US and she has decided to settle here. she has kids born here. For them, my mil does not say anything and is too proud that her grandchildren are americans... for us nothing....and till she says yes, my husband cant apply for GC (you know rona - dona stuff she does)...I cant imagine going back as I will lose my mind there because of his relatives !!
    Highly impossible :( but at the same time, we are not leaving her and always want her to stay with us here...

    Why this bias? why are we diffrerent from her DD..? what should we do? have we not got the right to live where we wish? Please advice..:-(
     
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  2. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Why this bias? Don't know. But yes one thing is for sure- DDs have rights, MILs have rights, certain DILs whose DHs have brothers have the right to live wherever they wish. Women whose DH is an only son do not have any rights. So, if you are married to an only son, you are screwed for life. Sorry!:rant
     
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  3. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Omg.
    Settling wherever is the carrier choice for your h and you. If you are happy with work culture here and worried about how you will manage with politics and corruption in India than the answer is simple.
    Listen to rona dona and than your h has to firmly say his wish and say he wants to get the paper work started for green card. Also mention with the current situation in US their is no guarnatee you will get it. All you are doing is staring the process and leave it at that.
     
  4. 27csweetangel

    27csweetangel Silver IL'ite

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    Hi
    Happy queen,
    Your are exactly in same situation as mine,,my hubby being only son,,his parents want him to come back to india at any cost, But deep within my hubby wants to be here for another atleast 5-6 years..and he is firm about it, so without their knowing, he applied for a green card last year,,of course when my mil came to know, she started all drama ,but Dh firmly told her not to force him for coming back ..as he has his career here and that they can come here every year or we can visit them ..tell ur hubby to firm , In your case as ur MIL is widow..u have to convince her to stay here in US only as you guys dont wanna go back,, i know keeping her with you guys wuld be a stress for you as her behaviour is not good,, but rather than you guys going back this is better as you said other relatives are also not good in india..It is really tough to stay under such one roof with such people..But what can be done if situation is like that..Take hubby in confidence.
    " But my mil... is way too interfering... from what I cook like what ingredients to add and what not to, from what I talk , from what I think about things.... everything...she does not even allow me to express views on a general matter which is going on TV... she dominates her ideas on us and does not give us "SPACE" at all...!!! this is very suffocating... and this is not all, she spends way too much groceries and wastes so much.. while we are only 3 at home...I am a planned spender, and this pinches me.. she demands a lot of money from my husband... my husband knows her nature but she emotionally blackmails him so he is quiet.."
    Same my inlaws recently were here with us and they dint leave any stone unturned to make life hell..i used o get so much frustrated..as both MIL & FIL used to team up against me and couldnt say much and usually end up into tears..as ur MIL is single now, you have one person less to give fight..so speak up firmly..always take hubby in confidence..it will take time and woulnt be easy also..with time she will know that she has nobody other than you guys s she will possibly change (some tough nuts are hard to crack though)
    "last month, due to some stress, i missed my periods.. She is always behind my menstrual history and when she learnt this ,she became over exited while I was pretty sure I was not pregnant. She forcefully sent me for a blood work and it obiviously came back negetive.. She is constantly poking me on this from that day on...But its only because of my husband that I always calm down.."
    pls dont share so much personal stuff with her,, she has not right to force you to take any test..next time just say "NO"!!
     
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  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    happy queen,same here.my in laws raise all the same issue all the time.its all control issue.control to my in laws -(daughter and father) to to run our lives as they want.its always we know what's best for you.I told yes to everything they said and wen t ahead and applied for green card.my husband opposed too but I assured him it will be good in long run.he saw his family turn 180 degrees and cry foul knowing about it instead of congratulating.he saw it and realized their underhanded behaviour.now his sister wants her son to do masters here.what happened to being near family good for you?.so the point is say yes to your in laws but do as you want.the point is its our life and we are entitled to live as we want or where we want.tomorrow we shud not wakeup to wish we had done that .think about it.good luck.
     
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  6. Happyqueen

    Happyqueen New IL'ite

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    thanks a lot 27c... I feel much relieved reading your reply...:) it's comforting to know you are not alone facing a pain and there are people you can relate to... But one thing that hurts is when our mil compare us to our SIL... Especially when our sil's are elder to us... There is no point in comparing... Don't know when mil's realize this :(
     
  7. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    so true, abotu one son...

    about bias, it will be like that only, when u take ur mom, she will be like that too...my in-laws always curse USA , but when my MILs sis's daughter got an alliance from USA, they were so gaga about it,
    I have been through a lot in the begining, just what u r going throuhg and much much much more...as i did not have DH support either then.ANd when that gal (MIL's sis's daughter was goign through similar phase after marriage) they were all over the place to help her out....it is call 'chirag tale andhera'


    Try to do what she says for a while in terms of kitchen and all, and see if that helps her change her attitude....if not slowly start answering back and be assertive. THat is the advise i got on this forum, i m still a novice in that case
     
  8. Ozarka

    Ozarka New IL'ite

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    Hello,

    I do not share my personal stuff (esp. Health) with my MIL or even my husband because no matter what happens they become mama's boy and they will say it. I keep quite until I know what decision I need to make.
     
  9. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Just keep your personal matters to yourself like periods, GC plans and everything to yourself. The more you let her interfere the more you will start hating her. Pls note the word, "letting her" .Nobody can do anything to us or make us do anything unless we "let them". As for her other taunts, just turn your antenna to some other side. if she feels its falling on deaf ears she will reduce it. There is no use complaining to ur husband as well. Your widowed MIL will blackmail your DH anyhow and your husband will def feel sorry. So you have to be careful and calm to handle it.
     
  10. shashiprp

    shashiprp New IL'ite

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    I am exactly in the same situation. However my case i have Co-sister... She has never stayed in in-laws house when ever she visits india. Never cooked a single dish for in laws in India... i on the other hand stayed with in laws for 3 months and worked like a dog to impress them... Inspite of all this, i am nowhere recognized... no one is bothered abt me... She projects herself like a very nice person and just talks and smiles... even if i go back to India, i have decided to stay in a different city... MIl even goes to the extent of pretending like she is is very innocent etc etc... I feel like a bakra in between all this...
     

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