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Help me find my will power !!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by harinisripada, Jul 15, 2011.

  1. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    I was a confident woman of today! And I had the will to remain happy under any circumstances! And I always used to look at the positive side !

    When astrologers said you wont get married, you wont have children, I remained happy that I'll probably do good in this world..

    When I was at the peak of my career and working abroad, my parents asked me to get married - I had the will to remain happy in a village or a city, in a hut or a palace, in India or abroad, as a housewife or a career woman, with an engineer or a lawyer or a waiter, with a good man or a bad man !!! I was confident that I could see good in any person!!

    When I got married to DH, my co-sis told me 'Last 4 years, I have taken care of my FIL. Now you have to leave your job and take him away with you' , I saw an opportunity for service, I was happy to do so...

    Years passed. I learnt about my family - my intensely jealous co-sis, my talkative BIL, my little girl, their daughter...

    My DH shouts a lot but is otherwise my friend... I have a son.

    I wanted to build a relationship with them... but my co-sis burnt with jealousy ... I dont know why, because she is qualified, has a career and a very loving husband and family!!!

    She used to say things like "what mandu did you give to your DH that he does things for you" (black magic!!!).. I kept my cool.

    She told me I looked like a buffalo (when I wore a necklace with beads). I laughed and said better learn about fashion before your daughter grows up !!!

    She constantly commented on my marriage that I had got the better brother, I probably should have said that she had the first choice, but I didnt respond!!

    She undermined my ability to raise children (my 7 year old son is very well adjusted, thank you!!!)

    She said I didnt know how to look after elders !!!
    When my FIL was sick, I had sciatica, I wouldnt have feeling in my feet, so I wouldnt know where I was keeping it, I had extreme nerve pain to stand beyond 5 minutes without lying down, I used to pass 1/2 glass of blood in my stools everyday and I still used to make two sabjis, sprouts, soup and tiffins for my FIL, DH and DS and also persuade FIL to eat all that!!!

    I looked after him for 3 months with that pain, because her daughter had her 4th std exams and she had to coach her, so they asked me not to send FIL to them!!!!

    I was extremely happy even then (YES, seriously, I was happy!!!!). Because I had the will to remain happy under any circumstances!!!!

    She used to praise my DH to heavens even if he cut a single beetroot, but in spite of all that I did, she used to say only bad stuff, and never acknowledge my role in my DH life (She used to say that your DH is spoiling his health because he is stressed out since he is doing your work all the time!!! And I am the useless wife who doesnt acknowledge that her DH is great!!!)

    I knew she didnt want to like me, but over the years I always used to buy stuff for her, hairclips, purses, dresses, pooja items, kitchen items.... she has never ever once taken it from MY HAND.... I would put it out to her, she would look at it and say why did you get for me and keep staring till I kept it on some table or gave it to BIL or their daughter - she would never receive it from MY hands!!!!

    I still thought of them as my own family...

    When I asked her daughter to wear her rubberbands to match with her dress colors she told me that I was misleading her daughter (naa kooturu ni chedakottaku), I was shocked, am I asking her to take drugs??? But I ignored it!!!!

    In my housework or my voluntary work - I am very organized, planned, try out all kinds of cuisines, experiment with health foods and ensure balanced meals, I keep a neat house and my DH and DS and FIL cooperate with me, I volunteer for special schools and foundations... I buy wonderful gifts for all the children in my family .... and kids in my apartment look up to me for all kinds of advice!!! In short, I am the general everyday woman with a little popularity with kids... I sometimes take up paid projects if I want to buy some silly stuff !!! I can talk about any subject from nutrition to religion to politics to technology to education to films to books and music!!!

    So when talks come about my work (I NEVER START THE TOPIC!!) - she will always try to either ignore or put it down -

    e.g. Cooking - "health foods will never be tasty", "I am the expert in traditional cooking", "Cheese is very bad for children", "I feel like vomiting when I see Italian food", "Your DH and DS listen to you (because you do black magic on
    them), mine will not eat this stuff (they will have already eaten it with relish!!! :))"

    About house - "your landlord put the wrong flooring", "Your bai doesnt clean below the exercise cycle wheels"

    About gifts - "You dont know limits for spoiling kids"

    About my education - "I know about you MBA types, you pay 2000 rs and get a degree"

    About my fashion sense - "You call center types always wear long earrings" - She doesnt even know the difference between IT and BPO!!!!

    About my opinion on any topic - "You are wrong!!! " - but wouldnt elaborate - because she wouldnt know anything about the topic, except that she "knows" that I'm wrong !!!

    I still remained very happy ... she is jealous, she is the one suffering... It didnt make any difference to my feelings about her, she was my big sister!!! Her daughter was my little one, her husband was my big brother... they are my family!!!!

    Then her comments started taking another level when she had some problems with her DH - she used to call my DH as ideal husband and constantly compare my DH with her DH!!! And while comparing them, her insults for me INCREASED !!!

    I still saw her hurt and her pain behind the insults and ignored them. I used to tell my DH "I hope she doesnt compare in front of outsiders, people will definitely take it in the wrong way"....

    I still remained happy because I had the will power remain happy under any circumstances !!!

    I wished all their birthdays, even suggested gifts for them, organized 1-2 parties when I was over there... but they always call my DH on HIS birthday.. NEVER on MINE!!!!


    One fine day, my BIL called me regarding some stuff and told me "You dont interact with family members, You are invisible to us, you always look after "YOUR" family, and you dont belong to OUR family"

    This is the family I tried for 8 years to belong. In my care for my FIL, I have given my career, my health, my time, my peace and effort and also the time that was rightfully my son's!!

    I was shell shocked, didnt reply but later I broke down, I cried and I called my DH!!! He said "let me clarify"...
    Clarification was "I didnt say anything of that sort", so my DH called me and said "My brother says he didnt say anything like that"

    I tried to call BIL, to clarify and he sends an SMS saying he has toothache!!!

    Then, when they came here after 20 days, they acted normal and as usual, calling my DH "Ideal husband" and me "NOTHING", same insults about my cooking, work, ideas, everything and joking...

    THATS IT!!! END OF STORY!!!

    After all I have done, my DH doesnt even defend me against stupid statements????? I dont ask for diamonds or foreign holidays!!! I have done much more than a DIL does for her FIL!!! I do everything in the house from cooking to cleaning to paying bills to planning finances to kids education to wishing birthdays ... all that a normal wife does, I do in a very organized way!!! I never object to him spending money on his people, in fact if he is booking tickets for them I tell him to book A/C, if train, I say flight, if he spends 300 on chocolates for their kids, I spend 3000 on the kids clothes....

    I am broken hearted. I have lost the will to remain happy. I dont find happiness when my DH returns home from office. I dont have the enthusiasm to make my son study! I am unable to think about paying bills, about different cuisines, about my savings plan, about taking my DS to classes!!!

    I get up in the morning because my son has to eat before going to school. I run the washing machine because he needs to wear his uniform!!! I ask in the evening if he has any homework... thats it... I have stopped being innovative with kids...creating projects for them and teaching them in fun way...

    I cant find the will power to remain happy under any circumstances!!! My mind says HARINI there are much more severe problems in life... so many people struggle so much.... yours is nothing... I keep repeating to myself... but is this the meaning of marriage???? The one person who is supposed be your sukh dukh ka saathi doesnt remain saathi in your dukh???

    My physical pain, my sciatica was much much more bearable than this pain!!! Because I had the will power to remain smiling... where has my courage gone??? Where is my confidence???

    I have lost the purpose in my life... please help me find it!!! I AM LOST !!!
     
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  2. cj1980

    cj1980 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Harini,

    I wish I could send you a very long PM...I have so much to share that can encourage and motivate you. But, let me be as brief as I can:

    You wrote "I had the will to remain happy" over and over in your message. Honey, happiness doesn't come through human will power. It doesn't come from "doing everything right". Why? Because we are surrounded by selfish people who want to take as much as they want and give nothing in return.

    I am sorry that you feel you have wasted 8 long years for people who don't appreciate or respect it. Every time I am faced with a difficult situation, this is what I think: "I can do whatever I need to do in life through Christ". When I say that, I acknowledge that I am weak and bound to give in to my feelings and emotions, but I don't have to fight all these battles on my own, using my own strength and willpower! It releases me to receive God's love and forgiveness and let that flow to the other people in my life. This helps me stay peaceful and secure that I am in right standing before God, that I am fully accepted in His eyes, and that I am of immense value to Him...irrespective of what people around me may think and say of me. I think you are letting your self-worth be determined by those around you than the One who made you :)

    You have made some cardinal mistakes (please don't think I am judging you here. I am only mentioning it in hopes that you can turn this situation around and pull through this emotionally distressing period:

    1. Depending on your own will and human strength instead of letting God show His strength through your life
    2. Not confronting your co-sis about her rude and jealous behavior. Had you done that firmly but politely, maybe they wouldn't have walked all over you these 8 years
    3. Giving too much importance to being "accepted" by your husband's family members...while we should make every effort to have peaceful relationships with others, we cannot be held accountable or responsible for the way others choose to behave.

    You ask what your purpose is...your purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him. He has a special plan and a purpose for your life. When you trust in His power than your own, you will find immeasurable strength to deal with whatever life throws at you...and you can do it with a smile! Isn't that what you set out to do in the first place? Give this a shot :)

    P.S: I really admire the way you have cared for your FIL despite your own physical pain. I believe God has great blessings in store for you because you care for elders and treat people right. Don't let others steal your joy and prevent you from receiving these blessings.

    God bless,
    Carol
     
  3. billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    I would go out and find a less demanding a job just for my satisfaction, outsource some of the household work, this happens to those women if their happiness depends on keeping the rest of the family satisfied. After the honeymoon is over, one day you are in your fourties, your son is grownup and no longer needs you, your spouse takes you for granted, at that stage it may difficult to find employment. Why would some one leave their job to take care of FIL for three months? You seem to pay too much attention to what your BIL and Cosis, ignore them. You need to have your own time, go out for regular workout, yoga etc regular exrcise will get you out of this depressed feeling.
     
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  4. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Happiness comes from doing your karma and not expecting anything in return from anyone and even from god.
    You have expectations from your h and he is not meeting it. That's the reason of you being not motivated anymore. Your h is only human too. If he does not appreciate and stand for you than you know now. So who will stand for you? It's always YOU. Not your h not your fill not your son.
    Now pick yourself up. Concentrate on taking care of yourself. Look into what the next level of karma that needs do be done. I think your Childs education and future right so get your mind on it.
    Next time sil bil say their judgmental statements to you stop being quiet and ignoring. Speak up and tell them ti back off. Let them know that their judgements is not needed. Don't give so much power to them that they will change who you really are. A positive happy person.
     
  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Harini,

    All the post if about just one women,which is your co-sister.Can't you tackle that women?

    Don't be nice to her anymore ,I know that is against your principles.But sometimes,you have to do it for our own good.

    Go and tackle her and no more taking that BS.When it is causing so much pain to you,it's better ignore her and if needed her family.
     
  6. angelindreams

    angelindreams Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi
    I seriously bow down to the kind of effort you put down for the family[​IMG] . Hats off !! But you know what many people don't come to our rescue when you face these kind of situations. I think you should comment back on her. Comment on everything possible .....her looks, way of cooking , the way she manages her home . I know this solution might not go well with many people and they might express their resentment for the same. But to help maintain peace with yourself you might need to do this. To shut the mouth of these kind of people you might very much need this. Call your BIL sometime and comment that you always call your wife side people and you never call us...or next time he says you care only about your people and you dont call BIL's family comment back in laughing mode " you can also call us right ?? " . Start commenting on co-sil's looks when she wears something good(According to her) .Next time she wont comment you.
    These people wont shut their mouth unless they get a taste of their own medicine . Just my 2 cents...
     
  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    HArini,

    I seriously wish you had a pm facility.even this i have been thinking too many times, but the pain in your post forced me to write this..

    I feel your co-sis is not your problem. you have tackled her for long.

    i feel it is the husband not standing up for you when you are being given bs.

    harini, i understand what you are going through, and can emphatize with the situation, but there is just one point that i have realised and want you to understand..

    there is never a point in gritting your teeth and doing the chores..sometimes, we need to open our mouth and express our hurt and feelings, otherwise you get to be stuck on a pedestal and people do not know how to deal with you.

    throughout your post, you come across as a strong person, who has been tough, and been very positive in handling all situations, infact i applaud you for how you manage with the sciatica and also other health problems, it becomes really difficult for the people who love you to deal with you when you are low, at times, the people who are sensitive to your small hiccups cannot understand that you are hurting.

    i feel, it is high time you have a open talk with your husband.

    before that, take some ME time, have good comfort food and lots of rest. when you are physically sick, emotionally stressed, there comes a point where you feel you have reached your limit (Saturation point) and right now you are there.

    Remember, you are not the custodian to keep others happy at the cost of your happiness. you CANNOT be a good person to all, if so every human will be god. we can please or satisfy one side of the coin and not both the sides the same goes in relationships..sometimes, you cannot satisfy your son and your husband together. there are times when you need to prioritize. so priority and the handling of relationships is something you have to work out on.

    Remember, you cannot suddenly stand up and say I have had enough because, today you do not have the energy, but in a week you will be the same HARINI who goes back to making so many dishes for the fil and sending a gift to your bil girl..that is the type of person you come across.

    coming to your co-sis, maybe she is insecure, and takes out her frustation by putting you down. when every light in the family gets focussed on you and she feels insecure, there is every chance of her trying to push you down from the pedestal.. so just laugh it off and do not give too much importance to that..

    So cheer up...you don't need will power to tackle this. you have it in you to just breeze out of it stronger..
     
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  8. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    OMG, how can you do so much for so many years! :bowdown

    I agree with some of posters....
    and with some I do not. It is easier to say 'do not expect' but it is hard to be that way, we are human and we all do expect else we will be God.

    I think more than will power you need to take control of the situation. I have been in similar place (not so bad situation in view point of external harrassment (that is what i will call it) you are getting, but mental state...as to how u feel right now)

    before it gets worse, take control.
    1) Stop payign attention to Co-sis, she is not worth it. Do minimum so u r not to blame.
    2) You must talk to DH and ask what is that inspite of being dedticated DIL, wife and Mom, why you do not get reciprocation in terms of love, support and protection (not like becuase u r woman but like your DH standing up for you against BIL etc)
    3) seems u r well educated....i do not know ur location but you must get a job, in US or India or UK or whereever. It will give you chance to go out and take off of this your mind. U will have other sense of accmplosihemnt in life if not from family. havign extra enough will free you up from other mundane works like laundry , cleaning etc. And if time is left, pick up a hobby....it pays off big time. (i have just started music)

    I also think you see a doc and talk abotu situation...though u think u had good will power to stay happy, there could have been lots of emotional damage to your heart throuhg all this years due to the situation. You might need some medical help. In india people think it is bad, but it is not. Recognizing that one has a problem which needs professional help takes lots of courage than hiding it and not talking about it. See what doc says. I have been through it and i feel difference of day and night.

    Good luck, :thumbsup you can do it
     
  9. Reflection123

    Reflection123 New IL'ite

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    why don't you hire a maid for cooking and cleaning, and live your life the way you'd like it to be?

    Also, why do your co-sis or anyone's opinions/comments matter so much to you?...she isn't your boss or responsible for publishing your reviews...let her wag her tongue!

    (even my SIL keeps talking :rantcrap about me to everyone she possibly can--poor, jealous, thing-I give a damn to her "hard" efforts..Harhar:banana.....!!!! )
     
  10. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Thanx for the replies.

    Carol, It is not only will power, I have a natural love and enthusiasm for life and a confidence and a great friendship with God.... HE has always listened to me!!! :thumbsup
    And I do a lot of voluntary work, so yeah, I try my best to give back to God what HE has done for me!

    Billybob, I left my job because my FIL is 87, needs constant care and I did work till he was fine, the 3 months was the time when my sciatica pain was maximum and he was most sick.... the rest of the times also I take care of him.... I have seen him through 3 different health problems, operations and was studying my MBA and working at the same time with a small kid... I left my job after he fell very sick.... and I started having sciatica.... I do work on freelance projects and charity organizations, if I wanted money, I can earn a lot even working from home... I take up projects for my happiness and I derive a lot of satisfaction from them... I dont depend on FIL, DS or DH for my day to day happiness.... But when my DH about whom I constantly hear "the Ideal" does not even defend me, I am lost!

    ars, I have constantly asked myself this question - why do I allow unimportant words affect me so much, again it comes back to my DH - I allow it because the people who say the words are important to my DH!!! I dont need the marriage because of financial or social or emotional or physical or mental or any other reasons... I am in the marriage because I like him as a person and want to be with him. If I cant even expect my DH to defend me, what is the meaning of the marriage? What happiness am I deriving from the marriage ??

    Priya
    , the post is about my DH not defending me... as I said, I never bothered about my co-sister because I KNOW she is jealous and has an inferiority complex. I thought I could build a relationship with them because at least BIL was a bit friendly even if co-sis is resistant to like me!!! But when BIL also spoke nonsense and my DH did not defend me .... And they are acting totally normal, back to joking with me as if the incident is so trivial that it can be ignored... I am unable to digest it!!!

    Angeldreams, you are not totally wrong, I should give back some answers (at least to keep my self-respect), but I am not made like that... And if I comment about them, they have the talent to give it back to me 100 times worse!!! :drowning
    I did mention once about them thinking 4th std exams is more important than my/FILs health and she says "I didnt even know you had pain!!!!" "FIL doesnt need anyone's help" BIL and cosis looked blankly at each other as if saying "Did we really do that???" This is the same lady who called me when I had the pain and said things like "you eat too many mangoes, thats why you have these pains" and BIL had advised me to sleep on the hard floor because it is good for backache!!! No thankyou, my problem is not backache!!!

    Shanvy... I AM TOTALLY AMAZED AT YOUR RESPONSE....
    How do you know me so well.... Every word you have written here is true!!!
    I thought I would be back to normal in a week!!! But this has gone on for the past 2 months!!! And this latest episode of my "crying jag" started because my DH has to go there for some work and as usual he bought some chocolates for their daughter!!! Can you imagine, the HARINI who fights with her DH to buy clothes for her every 2 months (I send the little girl a whole wardrobe every 3 months!!! along with matching hairbands, clips and bindis), I broke down when he said he was buying chocolates for her.... The same Harini who buys a set of clothes for orphan girls at the local temple every week (again with all matching stuff - I should have had a daughter, I would have spoilt her rotten with clothes and fashion accessories!!!) , starts crying when my DH buys chocolates for a girl I consider my own daughter!!!

    How low can I get... It is really horrible to be like this... I have to come out of this....but how??? thats why I wrote to IL!!!
     
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