Daughter in law wants to separate,son disagrees

my son got married 9 months before,my daughter in law is always sad that she is staying in united family,fights occurs everyday since i tell my son go away separate family but he disagrees my decision,my dil will not be happy from morning to night but she doesnt say to my son that she want separate family,what i have to do?

Dear Gita,
Do you know why your DIL is sad? Is this for the reason you had mentioned? Are you certain about it? If that is the case, then talk to your son about it and tell him that you have no problem and you can carry on. I don't know how many children you have? If he is the only son, maybe that is the reason for him to hesitate or HE MAY DON'T WANT TO LIVE AWAY FROM YOU.
If he doesn't like it why do you want him to do it?
Similar case i saw was in my aunt's house. My cousin don't want a separate living. My uncle and aunt, remodeled their old house ( due to reasons other than the discussing one) and built it in such way that my uncle and aunt live in the ground floor and their son's family in the first floor.
This way they are happy to not get involved into fights with their DIL all day. BUT my aunt feels that as she is healthy now she can manage things but what will happen if they get old further, when they need some help?
Think in those terms too.
You are lucky to have a son like that and sure your dil is also lucky to have you as her mil. It takes time for many people to understand and live according to it. Give her sometime and see.
these are just my opinions. Wait for others to throw light on this.
Sriniketan

Originally Posted by Sriniketan

BUT my aunt feels that as she is healthy now she can manage things but what will happen if they get old further, when they need some help?

Dear Sriniketan

This is a worry which only people who have sons seem to have,have you noticed? People who have only daughters seem to get used to the fact that in their old age,they have to live life on their own without depending on their daughters. People who have sons expect them to take care of them in their old age and they are not able to accept the fact if the son goes separate.It is just a mind set I think. Take my case,we are two daughters.Take my husband,he is the only son and has a sister.You know what my FIL told me when I told him I have to take care of my parents-he had the audacity to say,what to do they have two daughters,it is their fate ,they should not expect you to take care of them.Whereas he will always expect his son to take care of them,isn't that a little biased.

Sorry to digress from the main topic.Gitamam,I think you are a wonderful person who thinks from the point of view of your DIL.Your DIL is surely lucky to have you as a MIL. You should talk it out with your son and convince him.It is for your peace of mind as well as for his peace of mind.

dear gita,
like how sunitha says, keep a distance always it helps to keep the relationship greener, it is better to come to terms to live a little away than to make it look a burden...i also have two daughters but would prefer to live seperate for the simple reason a boy may leave his house for the wife but not to include mother in law...sunkan

Sunitha,
You are right. I am also the only daughter to my parents. I am not able to look after them. As you said they are mentally prepared for their old age and planned how to live. But parents with sons have an expectation. I totally agree with you.
Sriniketan

Hi Gitamam,

Maybe your dil is mentioning it to her husband but her husband (your son) is rail roading her into staying.

Since their marriage is new, their relationship needs to develop more for it to be stronger.

I think you are in the best position to do something about this whole thing if you really want to.

If you tell your son after a fight with your dil to go away and live separately, chances are he won't do it. He might be worried that you are not really meaning it etc.

One way might be to sit with him in a peaceful moment and tell him that you know he loves you and is devoted to you. But he should build his own nest now. You will always be there for him, but he needs to grow further as a husband and future father. For that he needs to have his own space with his wife and make a family with her.

Tell him that you really want that and it is in everybody's best interests. Space between couples will give everybody the respect and love they deserve rather than the petty fights and politics that keep happening everyday.

Think of how your own relationship with your husband might have suffered when you yourself were a newly wed (if at all it did) due to well meaning but interfering in-laws.

It will be difficult for you to actually do all this but think and believe that you will be doing everyone a big favor and that everyone will thank you for it later.

All the best!!

Originally Posted by gitamam

my son got married 9 months before,my daughter in law is always sad that she is staying in united family,fights occurs everyday since i tell my son go away separate family but he disagrees my decision,my dil will not be happy from morning to night but she doesnt say to my son that she want separate family,what i have to do?

Hi Gitamam,

Its very nice to know that you do care for your dil's well being. But instead of keeping them away, why not solve the problem (the main reason of ur dil sadness).

I agree that living apart brings a lot of fondness in the problematic relation, but if your son is not ready and you push him away, will only make him hate his wife for keeping him away from you (his mom n fly).

Sit with ur dil and talk out her problem. Make her also understand that you would have no problem if they move out but as her husband is not willing it will only mar their own relation. Help her out in making herself acceptable in the fly. In that way you will also have your son with you and a loving dil.

All the best.

Diana

Hello Gitamam,
By your post it looks like you are very good human who is thinking about son and daughter -in-law. You are so concerned about your DIL.
She should be blessed to have you. Hope she realizes soon and changes her mind.


Thanks,
Punitha