Facing a very critical problem...

SUBHAARCHIE · Mar 25, 2011

Hi...ILs...
I got married just 3 weeks before amd i am working now.....now i stay in my Husband, BIL and MIL here...whereas my FIL stays with my younger SIL in my husband's native placw which is 2 hours journet from our place ...also his elder sister who was a widow with a boy child got re-married before a month of our marriage...and her place is just one hour travel from our place and her native place...Thing is...her husband was also a widower with a boy child [FONT=&quot]who is also of the same age as her child...Now..just 1½ months after her marriage...problems are arising becoz of the kids...like he supporting his baby and she supporting hers...even for silly issues...but kids are ok with each other..problems are only with the parents...after a querrel..whuch we dont know exactly of what happened...he had slapped her once...which after my sil's parents intervention became much more vigorous..and my PIL had decided to have my sister-in-law with her kid with us...or if not atleast her kid...me and husband had to rise the kid from now on...my diificulty is...just 3 weeks after the marraige...i haven't been with husband alone for a moment..not even for a temple or relatives house ...once till now...we didn't even had a honeymoon trip which my arranged by my parents and cancelled by PIL...Now its a single bedroom small house..which they arranged saying its just for 2 of the...now all of them coming to stay with us...with no privacy...adding to this../we just have 1 day weekend hoilday which which are forced to visit my FIL every week without fail..so that we cannot even plan an outing...i am exhausted...my DH is sweet to me...but most of the time he is helpless and all the time convinces me to accept ...even if he supports me for amy instance...he gets all sort of odd wordings from his parents...finally he is accepting to do whatever they wants and also some how makes me accept...no how to handle this situation? should i take care of my SIL'S Kid from now on? please leave me some suggestions...
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RachnaShah · Mar 25, 2011

I would say NO. I mean why would you look after your SIL's child. You need to make her understand that both of you will have to adjust with each others kid. They were aware of the fact that both have a child then you FIL OR you Husband have to sit & talk about this to her. You need to tell them that ifuture this would lead to problems with kids also. As kids would behave as parents. Tell her for a start behave properly with both the kids. She have to behave as her husbands kid is her own then only the husband would do the same. If she disowns her husband child obviously he would disown her's. Same think you can try to explain her husband with help of some of his close relatives otr frnds.

Tell your in- laws that you are working & how can you take his responsibilty.

As you said your husband is supportive. Talk to him about this. He also needs to speak up. If he keeps on listening yorur In - laws would take it for granted.

Wish you good luck.

TC
Rachna

SUBHAARCHIE · Mar 25, 2011

Thanks a lot Rachna...for you prompt reply...It was so kind of you..
I was really wondering how to handle the situation...since i cannot disclose the fact to my parents...which will make the situation worser...Now...i would discuss this with my DH as we would leave to his native place by tommorrow night...Also one thing...my DH asked her to keep patience for a while till everything is set...she blindly refuses and kept abusing me and him ...like since he got married...recently...he is tryimg to escpae from his responsibilities...also she says that she can peacefully with her husband only if we rise one of the kid...thats hers...also asking us to making savings for her child's future...if we try to explain that we are still to mature to become a parent...she cries all the time...even in my marriage ...she cried for no reasons(like we didn't properly take care of her and her husband..thats what she told me...when i asked her...)...didn't allow me to eat with my DH...She scolded him in front of everybody...blindly took him off from me..i ate all alone in my marriage reception...ny DH didn't even have anything...becoz she was crying...i am much frightened of my future...

RachnaShah · Mar 25, 2011

See I can't say much but. This is the beginning. If you & your husband don't stop this right away then I am sure it will lead to very complicated situation. Specially your & your husband relation.
Your SIL is just trying to go away from her responsibility. How can a mother say that she will only stay well if you keep her child. That clearly means that they both are involved in this. So that there expences are shared. They needto understand that they have got married to each other after knowing the circumstance that they both have a child & they have to take care of them.

I can understand that you are married just 3 weeks & its difficult to speak up. But, you will have to. If they din't have shame to do all this drama in front of a 3 week old bride then I think you should also speak up. But, first think you make your husband realise that you are not a women who want to break the house but this is just unfair.

I am repeating my words - if you don't speak up now you will never be able to oppose them. Its clear that all your in- laws are involved. How can a sister behave like this with her brther on his wedding day. Its just ridicullas. And you FIL & MIL didnot say anything to her. I would say don't fight but, don't take her child's responsibility either. Just say I can't handle the child & how big is the child?? How will such a small child stay without his/her mom, blla, blla blla.

Take care
Rachna

RadiantCat · Mar 25, 2011

You have to tell your husband that you cannot take up the childs responsibility. Your SIL and her husband must visit a family welfare counselor in sorting their differences and how they can raise the kids harmoniously. In this entire drama, the kid is the one that is suffering. He has lost the dad, now mom too.

The PILs naturally would support her because she already lost her first H and this is her second life. The parents must live close to the SIL and take care of the kid and not bother you.

The SIL and her H knew the arrangement and got married. Was their a promise that the kid will be brought-up by your H and wasn't disclosed to you?

In any case, the SIL and her H must go to a welfare counselor.

orion80 · Mar 25, 2011

Subha,

Never accept the respnsibility to raise your SIL's kid. Raising a kid is a huge responsibility and you need not take it up when your SIL and her husband are capable of doing it. If she is not mature enough to deal with her problems, she has no right to dump her responsibilities on you.

It is your SIL and her husband's responsibility to raise their kids. What did they plan when they were getting married? Whatever they have planned, ask them to stick to the same. Ask your in-laws that by taking up your SIL's kids responsibility, they are depriving the kid of motherly love. Put your foot down and dont accept the responsibility.

Regarding visiting your FIL every weekend, as you are newly wed, dont change the plan right away. That might create fights between you and your in-laws. Slowly, reduce the frequency to alternate weekends. Tell them that you have pending work at home. They might not accept right away, but slowly, they will accept.

-Lakshmi

ALPA · Mar 25, 2011

Dear Subha,
from your post i sense that your SIL is very dominating and is possesive about her brother that is your DH. First say NO to raising her child it os not your responsibilty at all, it is her responsibilty.
Do not get dominated by her, do let her walk over you or your DH, she is being manupilative and i totally agree with cantwait and Rachna.
you have to play the game very diplomatically.
love
alpa:cheers

asuitablegirl · Mar 25, 2011

I agree with others. It's not right for you to have to raise your sil's kid. The kid was there first... so either your sil needs to make her marriage work WITH the kid, or she needs to dump the guy. Throwing the kid away for you and your dh to raise is not the right answer.

It is not your fault your sil has a rocky marriage. It's not your fault that yourr sil had a kid. Those are her problems and HER responsibility. She is really selfish asking you to take on her problems. Not to mention how she is making her own kid feel. Kind of like... you are my daughter... until some new guy comes along. Your husband needs to speak up and let his parents and sister know that he is not running an orphanage for parents to throw away their kids in his house. It is not fair to you nor to the kids. Your sil needs to solve her marital problems and LEAVE YOU OUT OF IT.

You also need to work something out with your husband, where the two of you get some time alone on the weekend to go out and do things together. I'm not sure why some Indian families insist on traveling in herds like a pack of sheep. Really, if everyone was left alone to do their own thing once in a while, life would be so much more peaceful.

reshsabu · Mar 25, 2011

Not only is this arrangement unfair on you, it is even more unfair on the kid. The kid has already lost his dad and all he has is his mother. If she also doesnt want to keep the kid with her, that is going to emotionally affect the kid .

Second thing that is not right in this arrangement is that your SIL is abandoning her kid to be with her newly-wed husband who has already slapped her once and asked her to give up her own kid. I feel he is insensitive and dominating. He expects her to give up her own son and look after his son. What kind of solution is that? Obviously he has no value or respect for her feelings.

I see no point in clinging on to such a relationship with a physically abusive husband.

How educated is your SIL? Given her circumstances, I believe the right thing to do is to get a job, be independant and take care of herself and the kid. If required you and DH can support in small ways.

Ask your DH to explain these things to your ILs and SIL.

Shravs · Mar 25, 2011

Hi

I agree with every one here. why should you take care of you SIL's kid,, if she was still a widow and she was not having a support then it is a different thing, but she is also married and that too a month early than you and doesnt she know, how precious, sweet and wonderful are the early days of marraige..
Frankly speaking i dnt see any love towards her brother, neither she is bothered about him. I guess she is feeling jealous that you are happy(may b am wrong) but i feel so.. that is the reason she wants to handover her child's responsibilities.. and as as you mentioned that you both are working.. she might think that you can lok after child better..
but please dont agree for that, if you come into your husbands or SIL;s words and accept, it will be very difficult for you both.
Jus try to make her understand in the way she listens. And make your Inlaws clear that, this doesnt work at all..
All the very best and make the right decision..
All our wishes are with you... :thumbsup