Feel like crying today.....

bubai · Oct 22, 2010

Just feel like crying today……….
There are many things going on in my life and I need to sort them out. I am pregnant with my second baby now (I am into my 24 weeks).
My son is now 4 years old. His Birthday was in September, so my in-laws decided in July to come and stay with us during his Birthday. Somehow I didn’t like that when my husband told me about it and I opposed that. My H was furious about it and finally I gave in. I am having a tough pregnancy this time because my thyroid and vitamin D level are so low……L I knew that staying with my MIL was going to be tough for me. But my H repeatedly told me that it was impossible for him to say “NO” to his parents. So finally I agreed. My in-laws came here to help me out it seems.
Fast forward to this day, my in-laws arrived here a month back. First few days were really rosy, they didn’t stop calling me “Amma”, “Amma” and all that. They had brought lots of sweets and gold for me……..That is all fine. But things changed after 8 days. Believe me, my MIL’s behavior has a typical pattern. This is her 4th trip to USA (she comes here almost every year for 2-3 months). When she lands in USA, she is all excited to see her grandchild and all happy, but after few days her mood changes and she tries so hard to get attention from my husband. This time was no exception.
Let me tell you what happened on Sept 25th. My son is little hyperactive. My husband thinks he might have ADHD. I always look from a positive point and I think my son is gifted. He is an extremely bright child who is way ahead of his age. He loves space science and presently I teach him a 7th grade book. He can talk about black holes, gravity, planets, milky way and what not for hours together. Last Durga Puja he gave a performance on stage in front of 10000 people, where he recited a poem of Rabindranath Tagore. I had taught him that. When kids of his age are learning alphabets, he has started to write sentences. He actually wrote a beautiful letter to my mom 5 months back and she absolutely treasures it.
My husband can swing like a pendulum. His mood swings are so extreme that I am really tired of it and now I know he has inherited it from his mother. He is extremely proud of our son whenever he brings accolades and is extremely critical of him when he does not concentrate. I don’t see things that way………I think we should let him grow happily. I am pretty strict with my schedule and make sure I read plenty of books to my son. I teach him everyday something or the other for 10-15 mins. I always explain things to him. I expose him to poems, geography, maths, astronomy and give him the chance to learn whatever he can. So here is what happened, 3 weeks back, it was Sunday morning and after breakfast, I went back to my bedroom and was taking a quick nap and my son came crying to me and said “Daddy scolded me”………Knowing my husband well, I decided to talk to him. It seems he had scolded my son because he was not concentrating……how ridiculous!! His parents were sitting in the living room. I told his dad “Papa, you always advise me, why don’t you tell your son to be little patient” (by this time, my H had left and was in the bathroom taking shower). My FIL totally lost it and screamed at me, yes, screamed at me saying “when did I advise you, you think you are too smart? We are leaving right now, we will never come back to your place…….You don’t like us. Our son is very special!!! “
I am usually a very strong girl, but this time I lost it. I just couldn’t control my tears and I kept crying. I held his hand tightly and said “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Daddy. You are the father I never had and I love you so much”. It went on for 2 mins and everyone was silent after that. Then my H came out of the bathroom and screamed at me, saying” Why can’t you be silent when Daddy says you something? Why do you have to answer him back? Blah blah…..We had organized my son’s Birthday party that evening and I had invited lots of guests. I didn’t want to mess it up. They were all my friends. My H has absolutely no friend. So I had to stop that. They became calm too.
I always had a wonderful relationship with my H but after that incident I have been feeling very very hurt and betrayed. My in-laws went for a short trip to Niagra Falls after that and came back in 3 days. I welcomed them nicely. Had prepared a nice pasta dinner for them and they were happy too.
Things went smoothly for couple of weeks. But last Tuesday something happened………My MIL went to the bathroom and the commode got blocked and there was water all over the floor…..it was really dirty water with no.2 floating on it all over on the bathroom floor…..She got very nervous and screamed. Me and my FIL were having breakfast, we came running…..we thought she fell down on the bathroom floor. Like a good human being, I told her “Calm down, Mummy, it is nothing, we will clean it up…..It happens, when children are bed ridden, don’t parents clean it up for them”………..She was still crying and feeling very guilty……My FIL went inside and helped her in cleaning it. I was standing outside the bathroom and was helping them in handing them paper towels to soak the water from the floor. It took around 30 mins and then she went and took her bath and cleaned the floor with soap water. I thought this was a close chapter now…….NO……It wasn’t…..
When my H came in the evening, she narrated the whole thing to him and told him that she was feeling sad about it. That night we were out of milk and my H and FIL went to the grocery store to get some milk…..My MIL was sitting all alone in a dark room, so I went to invite her for dinner and she shouted at me saying “You always make fun of me, you are neglecting me, you are not talking to me, you are not going into that Bathroom because it has become dirty now……You are too intelligent, you are too smart, I am from a village……..blah blah blah…….” I gave her a very warm hug and told her that she is my MIL and I love her no matter what. She tried to push me but I held her tightly and then she started crying…….finally she came out and had her dinner….But she is not talking to me now.
But after all this, something had died inside me……I was doing all this to keep my H happy and not to break my marriage but now I am at my wits end…..I just don’t know what to do.
Yesterday night, my H came into my bedroom and told me “Daddy was saying X (my co-sister) is very dignified”. I just lost it…….I screamed at him and started to cry loudly…..I know my MIL came out of her room and went towards to kitchen with an excuse of drinking water…….but I think she wanted to know if all her actions are having a reaction on me or not……L I admit, I did scream in front of my son…….I was not in control of my emotions……I am totally blank and I feel exhausted…..
My H flew to Chicago for a conference this morning and he told me not to talk to his mother at all…..He told me not to sing loudly and show that I am happy, basically to be sad because his mom is sad….He told me that his mom is very guilty of spoiling my bathroom and does not know how to express it…..
My H also threatened me that if I speak to his mom or fight with her, he will file for divorce. This is the first time, he has spoken about the D word. I am not nervous about anything but I feel so heart broken from inside…..
I am not working right now (I have taken a break for one year) but I am professionally qualified and I will not be dependent on him financially. He is a physician and makes pretty good money. I may not make the same amount of money as my H but I will be fine….But this whole thing is making me so depressed……I feel like crying and screaming.
My heart is bleeding and I just don’t get it how my H does not see it. He fought against his parents to marry me. There are times when he treats me like a queen……He has been such a sweetheart but now I don’t want to see his face.
Am I a good wife only if I make his parents happy even if they emotionally abuse me? Please help me sort out the mess in my life…..
Thanks in advance.
Luv,
--Bubai

Priya16 · Oct 22, 2010

Am I a good wife only if I make his parents happy even if they emotionally abuse me?

bubai,

You need to understand one thing.The way your PIL brough up ,rasied and everything very different from you and your way of living and you way of thinking.
I remember in my young days,whenever my grand father comes into the house ,my mother shouldn't face him,typically they would hide next the doors.
Now we will sit with then and talk face to face.When you say something to your FIL,sometimes they will be good mood and sometime they will be bad mood but remember you never will be there daugther and never go frank in talking especially with PIL.
Main issue here is your are pregnent and Men don't understand that.They would feel,your MIL would give yoy support but they don't know the reality.
Your MIL,got nervous about whole thing only your H can console her.
Not sure why your H passing comments from his people to you and he should never do that.They can talk whatever they wanted to but he shouldn't pass those things to you.
Remember it's very common with people,if they live with they would praise the other son and if they live with other kid and they would praise this son.
Basically no sole would happy with whaever they have at that point.

Overall I don't see much wrong going with your FIL/MIL.Your MIL got nervous.Main thing you need to know how you can take care of yoruself.If you are doing too much slow down.I know you are missing your husband support and pampering having in-laws at home.

How long they are going to be here?

Coming to parenting,lot of people will have those conflict but you need to remember one thing.You both are parents and each should have equal rights to raise the kid.Lot of time,I don't like what my husband doing and vise versa.But it's not adviasble to teach him parenting.You can tell him low voice but not on the spot whenever kid complain to you.Don't encourage kid to complain on Dad to you.You can disagee with him back but not before the kid,infront of the kid you both need to unite.Typically kids will learn how to handle both the parents and they will get good and bad part from each parent.

Your husband harsh words on you.Sometimes everyone looses there mind.So don't give imporatnce to that at this point.If your MIL still guilty with something,all of you sit and have open conversation about it.

Don't think your PIL's are abusing you an dyour husband giving them support.He wanted to take care his parents his best.Imagine something like this,suppoe if your mother is here and if your husband fight with her or unahppy with her,do you like it?

You can say my mother won't be like my PIL's.Ofcourse most of the times PIL's are much dominating than our own mother.But overall they are not bad.

Don't think you are going to Divorce.I know your EGo will get hurt at this movement.But he might also have tired about these repeated things between his parents and you.

Take rest,go to temple or do whatever makes you happy and recover from this disater.

They don't like get shouted by wife especially when parents aorund and they would have make his EGO hurt and acted this way.

finally she came out and had her dinner….But she is not talking to me now.

Click to expand...

I beleive there is something more in her mind and bothering her,if she is just guilty she would come to your nicely but something else there and your husband afraid that you both would blow up and that's why he had given that warning.

I am not sure will she recover herself or is she expecting you to talk.Whatever it may be mind your own business because your H told not to speak to her.Just tell him samething on the phone,otherwise he can forget and can ask you why you didn't invite my mother to food?If she acts normal then you be normal.

I know all this yada yada goes when they come but you be real patience to deal with them until they leave.Don't overract and this is not the time to spoil your own family and peace.
Just my 2Cetns.

asuitablegirl · Oct 22, 2010

I think the problem is not with your inlaws, but with your dh. Inlaws say and do weird things sometime, it's to be expected. And maybe your mil really is feeling humiliated about having her poo seen floating around on the floor, and perhaps your fil is just barking like a dog at you because he is getting old and cranky. So leave that aside. They are only here for a little while, then they will be out of your house for the rest of the year and you will get some peace back.

But what your dh said is absolutely unacceptable. When he gets back from Chicago, you need to tell him that threatening divorce is no laughing matter, and that he should only say it if that's what he REALLY wants. Let him know that if he threatens divorce again, you just may have to prepare yourself for it.... including letting his and your parents know what he has said and talking to a lawyer. Of course, you don't have to actually do those things. But if he can threaten divorce, you should get him to understand that even you can think ahead too. When he see's that you take his threats seriously and have mentioned all what you will do, he may think twice before blurting out such dumb things in the future.

Also, you need to speak with him about how it makes you feel when he compares you to your co-sister. Really, who gives a damn how dignified or not your co-sister is? Yeah, inlaws may care. But your dh shouldn't care, and he shouldn't be mentioning that type of thing to you.

Basically, you need to communicate better with him. Get him to understand how badly it hurt you when he threatened divorce, all because of some small problem with his mom! Please remind him that just as he has a mom, even you are now a mom.... of your dh's children! And as such, he needs to give you more support and respect.

It is really disgusting how these men act sometimes all because of a perceived slight against their parents! Don't take it to heart though. If otherwise your relationship with dh is really great, this is probably just a small thing you and he can work out when he gets back. Let him know that at this time in your life, you need his support and love... not criticism or scolding.

Good luck with everything. Take a deep breath and try to relax. It'll be ok. :thumbsup

maya69 · Oct 22, 2010

You behavior with your in laws seems mature and caring despite how you felt about them coming here. Hats off to you.

Is is possible that your husband in passing conversation with his parents mentioned that you did not want them to come now? That and the bathroom incident all put together is eating at them/dh. Sometimes when someone knows something negative in their mind, everything following gets analyzed negatively too. Your husband feels you don't want them, and so he is swinging the opposite way in supporting them all the way.

From what I can see, you look at things positively (your sons possible ADHD for one) but your dh sees the negative side of it. Different way of thinking/upbringing. If thats the case then your dh is in this whole cycle of negative thinking no matter what you do. I am sure he didnt mean the D word but for him its tit for tat kind of mode now.

SriVidya75 · Oct 23, 2010

Bubai

Warm hugs to you maa.....really...seems like it doesnt matter if the DIL is pregnant or newly wed or going through enormous pain..finally the MIL has to GET THE ATTENTION and SOLACE the way she wants it.

I still wonder why is that daughters pregnancy and daughters marriage are more imp. and auspicious than the DILs pregnancy and DILs marriage (i.e their sons marriage). I never get it at all.

Here there is this pregnant woman, who has to see all this crap of dirtying bathrooms etc and still she manages not to loose her cool and trying best not to upset anyone..and 3 of them against 1. to Top it such inalws say Daughter and DIL both are equal to them...no idea basically what they mean.

All I can tell you is..hang in there. Good / Bad pls do not talk to your inlaws till your husband returns back. See if something has to happen it will happen irrespective of what ever you say or do. but best option is always to be silent. Atleast that is the only weapon you have now SILENCE. dont try to console them or explain your point or show that you love and care for them. Just be silent and let them do what they want to. If possible I would also suggest calling any of your friends home for a stay for couple of days only reason..say that you needed company. so that there is a 3rd person to divert the attention.

I hate it when couples use the word Divorce at the drop of a hat. really. So if he had fought with your parents and married you against their wishes, does that mean life long you have to say YES to all his demands and accept hsi parents nasty behaviour? and can we call this as love? basically his parents inferiority complex is killing his own marriage he is not realising that.

asuitablegirl · Oct 23, 2010

I would just like to add, you seem like an EXTREMELY KIND AND CARING WOMAN. Even after the bathroom incident and your fil shouting at you and dh throwing divorce word at you, you were still so nice to all of them. And on top of that you are juggling pregnancy and a young child!That takes a lot of strength to keep your cool in a situation like that. I hope someday I get a dil like you. :thumbsup

bubai · Oct 23, 2010

Thanks everyone!!!

I know the problem is with my husband.....I know it completely. He had called me today during lunch time from Chicago and told me that I should be quiet. I should not talk to his parents.......I told him that I am extremely hurt by his behavior and his words and his reasoning was that he gets mad when I shout.

There are few things I want to add…….I DO SHOUT AT TIMES. My way of taking out my anger is by shouting. I have a loud voice and it does disturb the home environment. My husband gets mad when I shout and he does not want me to take stress.....reason-I am pregnant.

I have to learn how to keep my cool when my husband tells what his parents were discussing. My in-laws don’t demand money from us, they don’t interfere in our lives……but they always try to get a lot of attention from us when they are here.

I am really mad at my husband. I think he is weak, that’s why in-laws are taking advantage of it.

I am thinking of trying marriage counseling because no amount of talking will help my husband. He always tells me that he can’t hurt his parents and their ego as they are old and may not live long. His mom has all kinds of things like diabetes, BP and all that. She is 58 years old and my FIL is 66 yrs old.

I think my FIL is feeling really guilty about this whole thing….He started the “Amma”, “Amma” thing again……..He is trying to be really nice to me but I am so sick and tired. I don’t want to see their faces……I don’t want to see my husband’s face. I hate them. I just feel like running away but I am pregnant and am tired……..Why is life so cruel? I can’t reason…………

pman16 · Oct 23, 2010

Hi bubai,

I think your harmones are disturbing you and making you think in all sorts of directions. From your earlier posts, I know you as a strong women who made a mark for herself.

Your strong personality might be giving a threat to your inlaws and this could be the reason that they are trying to get your attention.Learn to practice to be quiet when you are angry. I know it is difficult as Im myself a short tempered person but have tried to control my emotions to a great extent by practice. Whenever you suspect some situation which will disturb your peace, dont aggravate it by shouting. Keep calm.

You hug your MIL inspite of her comments and her behavior. If I were you, I could never do that. I appreciate you for that. Analyse for a second,if you are expecting something from them in return...atleast some politenss.... for your share of warmth. There would not be disappointment if you dont have expectations. If they are angy/upset with something, give them some time to deal with it. I think you are being overly courteous and landing yourself in trouble.

Inlaws sometimes try to trigger the relationship between spouses and are successful to a great extent. They switch one button ( hubby) and the other machine (wife) starts operating and vice-versa. Do not let this happen. This should be a testing time for you.

I too had issues with inlaws and used to get disturbed easily. This time with a change in my attitude, I have developed a thick skin and maintained my calm and I can see a huge change in my hubby's behavior too.

Try to solve the equation with hubby first and get some peace of mind and then approach the next issue. You should be relaxing and listening to some great music now!

Good luck.

SriVidya75 · Oct 23, 2010

see might be because of your loud tone, things seem worst than what they are. might be its good if you start practising some breathing exercises and yoga or meditation.....and cool down.

I understand the issue is with your inlaws and husband ...but you have to do your part to cool down for the sake of your health and the baby right?

asuitablegirl · Oct 23, 2010

Bubai,

All the anger is fresh right now. How about you go to sleep, get a good night's rest, and see what your feelings are in the morning? I know sometimes when me and dh have a big blow up fight, it feels like the end of the world, but by the next morning after sleep has cooled us down, the issue always seems smaller. So give yourself a chance to calm down. Once you're calm, you'll be able to handle your dh better.

Next time you talk to dh, just tell him you are 0% interested to hear him dictate again how you should act with his parents. Remind him that he has already told you enough times and it's getting old hearing the same thing over and over. Really, your dh is acting dumb now. If he felt you were such a monstrous person that didn't know how to treat his parents right, then why did he leave you alone with them while he went to Chicago? Really, it seems the guys who talk loudest about "taking care of parents" actually do the least for them. They only know how to dole out orders for the wife to "take care".

Ok you are pregnant, you don't need more stress on your head. Just relax. You'll sort this out when he gets back. Till then, try not to think about it.