Am I not understanding my wife?

Discussion in 'Post Pregnancy Care' started by caringchampu, May 17, 2011.

  1. caringchampu

    caringchampu New IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    This looks like a ladies forum , but still I am posting here because I am confused .
    Well, we had our first baby boy in Jan 2011.

    Baby is fine now but was born with birth defect and he is undergoing surgeries. Doctors say that after surgeries he would be fine. We are hoping that all surgeries will be done within next two months.

    Me and my wife both are working in Software. She was on maternity leave till March end . Since baby is not fine now , so she has taken leaves on loss of pay. Earlier my mother was here but my wife and my mother were not able to gel together so I send my mother back.

    Now we both are alone and she is managing baby when I am in office. However we have kept maids to help her in cooking and other household stuff.

    Ladies I am not able to understand my wife. She is always complaining and saying that I am not loving her now.She says that I dont take care of her. I dont do anything for her.
    If I dont agree to her on any topic she starts fighting. Most of the times she is complaining. If she dont like something , she keeps on fighting on that topic and keeps on elongating it. I dont know what to do , how to make her happy.

    My daily routine getting to office by 9:30 and coming back by 6:00. As soon as I come back I take care of baby till night. Most of the times I am awake in night till 2-3 pm. I always want her to take rest and allow her do whatever she likes.In between I have to get stuff from outside groceries, doctors visits etc . My office has taken back seat , I am not even putting 30% of effort what I used to do earlier.And since on weekends I am home so I take care of baby almost all times on weekend, so that she can relax a bit during weekend.


    Baby is still not fine and has undergone surgeries and still few more are left. My wife wants to join office after 2 months. My thought was that atleast she should be on leave for one year.Six months baby is too small and if mother is there with baby for atleast one year then it would be very good.

    But she is not agreeing and keeps on fighting that I am not able to understand.She keeps on saying that her job is very imp , she also need to enjoy and cannt keep on sitting at home.She also says that I should take leave on loss of pay and sit at home and she can join office.

    Since my salary is more and there are lot of medical expenses going in , it would be difficult to manage in her salary. But she is not understanding.

    My first priority is to take care of baby . She can get a job later on also. But taking care of baby is the most important thing.If she joins then we have to leave baby with maid for full day . And everyone knows how maids handle babies.

    I am very much tensed now.. because of her fights ..arguments and her thinking.
    Since we have brought a cute baby in this world , its our responsibility to do best for him.At this moment he needs us very much and leaving him to some maids would be sin on our part.

    Kindly suggest , if my thinking is wrong? What shall I do to improve things between me and my wife?
     
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  2. sreemanavaneeth

    sreemanavaneeth Gold IL'ite

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    My dear friend,

    [JUSTIFY]I can understand your feelings. You please have a talk with your wife about her health condition and about the baby condition also. You tell her that You want her health also to be taken care during this time. Your wife was frustrated because of baby's sickness. Her mind is not calm now she wanted to show her feelings that is why she started shouting and complaining extra. You advise her in a nice manner surely she will listen[/JUSTIFY].

    All the best.
     
  3. ptamil2007

    ptamil2007 Gold IL'ite

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    It looks like post natal depression - many go through this without even realising what it is.
    It is the hormones at work. I can see you frustration and glad to know you are doing the best what you are doing best a father and husband must do. Getting back to work, as a mother, I would least care about a job and first take care of the baby's health

    It looks like your wife is not able to express her emotions the right way of handling a baby and the fear of surgeries. that seems to be the reason for her cranky behavior

    I would suggest you give her some real life examples of what a couple goes through and it is essential that she as a woman maintains the harmony at home
     
  4. Sweetgirl123

    Sweetgirl123 Silver IL'ite

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    Well, the agreement clearly was that she can go back to work in march and its already may , and im sure there is a reason for that agreement.
    if you both work in software, could you not work at home instead of the office?
    she is working in between, taking unpaid leave, probably lagging behind in work, then the baby is having problems , of course she is stressed out?
    the home situation is problematic as well as the work situation, usually if there are problems at work, you can get power from home and vice versa.
    so why dont you take unpaid leave for a change or talk with your boss if you can make up the work u miss at home when the baby is sleeping.
    instead of putting it all on your wife shoulders.
     
  5. twity

    twity Bronze IL'ite

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    Sweetgirl,
    Sorry to say this...if she rejoins it will be more difficult to handle things than stay home for another few more months till the kid becomes normal.It will be sceriously difficult to meet the child need, office need and home needs if she starts working immediately.
    Generally mother will know more about what the kid needs than a dad.It is not good for a mother to say work is more important than kid unless untill it worsen the current situation financialy.She might be in post natal depression and hope taking some professional help will improve the situation.
    He even clearly told that if he takes loss of pay they will face financial issue.

    Regards,
    Twity
     
  6. chotabheem

    chotabheem Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    Your wife is stressed out and needs a break.. deep inside her heart she would not wanna leave the kid at home in this condition. Give her a break from all this, if possible, go out for a one or 2 day trip with your wife and kid to some nice resort within your city.
    Or see if you can send her to moms place with kid for sometime, so she can vent out her troubles to her mom and change of place will do good for her.
    Its just that she is really stressed and frustrated and things will fall in place surely. She just needs your care and support. try to be cool and calm when she shouts at you. Instead of arguing back when she is angry, just go give her a hug and thank her for being there for you and the kid and sacrificing her career. All she needs is reassurance. Keep telling her frequently that you understand her and you can do anything for her and the kid to be happy.
    Do not talk about work, LOP, money or other things.
    See if you can take a break from work for sometime (1 week) and be with her at home to support her... all she needs is emotional support.
    Wish you all the best :)
     
  7. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Its very nice of you to take an initiative to understand your wife. I completely agree with chotabheem. She just needs assurance that everything will be fine. Suddenly a new life has come in and she is feeling overwhelmed with responsibility. It is very common, specially when we have kids who need lot more attention than other kids. She needs to know that you are there for her. You might think that she would know this but hearing you say it out loud would reassure her. If possible try to buy her a new saree or some flowers as a way of saying thank you. You could buy her favorite sweets one day...you get the hint right?
    Sometimes these small things go a long way.

    Like others suggested, see if you can try to work from home for sometime. If its not possible, see if you can take a couple of days off. Or if possible, ask her if she would want to go to her parents/brothers/sisters place for sometime.

    I think in her heart she also knows that its better that she stays home than you but she is not able to say so and hence all this frustration.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I guess she is under post partum depression and to top it, she is unable to handle this stress of baby undergoing surgeries...so instead of dealing with it positively...people become destructive...so better ensure that she talks out whats going on in her mind...agreed its going to be too much of stress and tension for you..but allow her to talk to you openly instead of piling it up all inside ..as we dont know what such people would do.

    Why dont you try calling your MIL or someone from your wifes side to be with your wife for a while...even if it means a short time...yoru wife has to take her mind off of this whole thing...

    Ask her to find jobs where she can work from home..so that she keeps her mind busy with something else and she wont get all workedup. might be your wife is worried that withher not working..there is more financial burden on you....or that might be if you guys run into debts and she not on job may make her less demanding in the market...so let her talk her fears...and then offer the alternative solutions..

    Also suggest if she can do some certifications...that way she will be ready for the job market as soon as your baby is doing well and good and he is readyto be taken care in a day care or a nanny.

    Dont push your opinion on her forcibly....I guess you are the only one who needs to keep your balance all by yourself...and also help your wife in keeping her balance..you need to be stronger than anyone else now...so please bear it for a while....always remember...let her talk what she has on her mind..let her take it off of her chest...so that she wont feel aggravated...ask her to join some hobby classes over weekend (incase if she is interested in such stuff...)ask her to join some classes for new technologoes...like Online classes etc...

    find ways to keep her busy at home...specially in her career path...and let her know that she is sitting at home temporarily only..and that once baby is doing well health wise...she can go back to work again!!
     
  9. AVM

    AVM Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi
    Many had given you the guidance to handle this situation.

    Going again,
    Talk with her and make her understand everything will be fine. She might not know she is under depression.
    Make her understand this baby is precious..."she" is the only thing in the world the baby needs. It is not becos of money u r gng to work (though it is also very important) but on the emotional side baby needs mother more than a father. It is not a normal child , this baby needs something special.

    Think of the baby, first few days on this earth, it has to undergo all the pain of sugeries. we cant even understand whether it is paining for the baby or baby or not. They cant express also. Only thing he needs is mother to be always with him. I think she shud be with the baby atleast take care that he dont get other infections and be healthy drinking mother's milk for long time.

    Assure her, it is not that you dont want her to go to work and she should only take all the pain of the bay ... tell her she is "the best person" to handle this with that you dont want her bear the pain of work and finance also. That you will handle that as you have no choice to become a mother.
    By the way did u get her a great gift for mother's day??... if not get her now... greatest possible...greatest you ever had given... greatest she ever think of... tell her...she is the special mom... as she bears more pain than any ordinary mother. Make her feel she is great.

    As others tells, may be bring her mom or someone she like to be with...to be with her for sometime. Dont forget to take her out as frequent as possible. Becos you defy understand her stress also.

    I wish everything will be all right soon and when your boy is healthy and all set to enjoy this earth... your wife can also get back to her work and enjoi that pain:)
     

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