Issues with my family of origin (FOO)

I am totally upset and not in a good frame of mood to post this.

Last week, we had a long weekend here in my country; hence we as family (including my bro's and sister's families) decided to visit one of the famous hill station. My mom too joined us.

1st incident:
On our bad luck, we were not blessed with good villas to spend 3 nights this time. All the places were booked, so we had to arrange with a reasonably good house, with 4 rooms. As we had 3 families with kids, and mom in one room, we agreed to this.

However, the mission leader - my bro had different idea, which wasn't communicated to all except my BIL and his friend who drove the vehicle.
They planned to take hot drinks at nights; hence reserved one room for that matter. This is not new, as the men in our families consume hot drinks in moderate whenever we gather or in parties.

When we placed our bags in each rooms, there was a question as to who will accommodate mom. Because the 4th room was already booked for a different purpose.

Although we choose the rooms randomly, our room had 2 double beds. Others had only 1 double bed - just enough for a family. So, I volunteered to invite mom to stay with us during this trip.
I just told this without consulting my H, and before others while everyone wondered about mom's room.

My H immediately went to my bro, and silently asked him "how come a mom stays in a married couple's room? Why can't you allow her to stay in that 4th room"?
This has infuriated my bro, and he shouted at my H saying "How come you keep my mom as a servant at your house all the time, while she is always welcomed to stay as a queen at my house? Now, you want my mom as a baby sitter to your kids, but don't want to allow a piece of bed when she is in need?
He shouted angrily, so everyone noticed this.
To which, I blamed my husband for asking this question directly to my bro; despite of having a very fragile relationship with my FOO, due to past issues.

I have already warned my H to adjust, and specially to liaise everything through me, because of the past issues.

I don't think my H was wrong. He wasn't fully informed. I was angry on my bro for shouting like this, and scolding us unnecessarily for none of our faults.
However my mom sided by my bro, and said that he was right.
She accused me and my H, and kept a long face throughout the trips.

Even though my bro and H patched up immediately after that, and bro apologized for that matter, mom kept silence.

I know my FOO has a very fragile relationship with my H (and in laws). So whatever they speak, act or do will be considered negatively; hence leading to a problem. That's why I have seriously warned my H to behave, or at least to liaise through me. So that I can handle the trip.

2nd incident:

There was no plan as to who will spend on what, and how we will divide it. In our previous trips, everyone spent spontaneously and we never divided the expenses. Except the vehicle charges and room charges, which we paid as lumpsum.

We 3 siblings are well to do, and not stingy. So, if one paid for the b'fast bills, the other will pay for lunch, and the 3rd one will pay for the dinner. Then we will do it in rotation.

Likewise, we paid for the first B'fast this time. Bro paid for lunch, and when it was tea time my mom insisted bro to pay the bills. Then she started to collect the bills from him. It look funny as if she acted his secretary.
So, I jokinly asked her, why are you doing this?
To which she said, she is collecting bills, so that she can divide the expenses in to 3 and everyone could pay back their shares.
To which, I said "how about the breakfast bill then?
She got offended and kept silence. She stopped talking to me after that.

Adding up both the incidents, my mom clearly sided me from the trip. She scolded me for being selfish, crooked minded and bad. She compared me with bro and others to put me down.
I was seriously offended.

Although my mom lives with me, and always wanted to live with me she supports my brother all the time.
Initially she came to live with me as a support. That time I was separated from my H, and suffered with a toddler.
She found my house as a great place to be free, and enjoyable.
So, when my sister invited her for her delivery, my mom fussed to go there. When forced by others, she reluctantly agreed to help sister for 3 months.
But after a month, she has developed issues with sister and came back.
She said that she could not live separately from my son, and never feel home at any place rather than my house. She even defends that her presence is mostly needed for me than others.
Because I was living alone, no H, no in laws compared to my sister whose in laws are very supportive.


She didn't even helped my bro much during his wedding times. But after his marriage, she feels really insecure and always wants to establish a good rapport at bro's place than ever.

She is warmly invited to stay with bro by their family. But she doesn't like this. She tried once and never felt home there. Instead of accepting this, she says she feels much needed at my place due to the kids, and my working status. So she quickly returns everytime she visits there.

My siblings, specially bro is upset that I am using my mom. He feels mom should spend rest of her life at his place independently. He thinks me and my H suppress mom and keeps her as a slave.

I don't know why he thinks like this. But once I knew there is a misunderstanding, I immediately became self dependent. I quit my job, found a flexible job near to my house. Joined kids to school and play school. patched up with in laws, so that they could replace mom should she really wants to leave. I also have maids and nannies.
I gave mom the green signal that she can leave if she wishes, because me and kids have grown independent, because of her now. However, she is critical about this, and says that I shouldn't have maids, shouldn't have patched up with in laws blah, blah.
I am fine as long as she stays, but she should tell others the reason why she stays with me, else there would be obvious misunderstanding.

Although she stays with me, she gives first priority to my bro in everything. She is insecure that he might misunderstand her or distance from her. She is always insecure about him. So, she is extremely careful of him, talks very nicely with him, and never criticize him.
Sometimes she goes to the extend of criticize us (me and H) to please my bro, so that he feels special.

So my bro actually believes that my mom loves to stay with him, but due to our force she is unable to leave my place. That's why he utters such talks.

My mom always takes me for granted. Keeping her at my house - that too with her fragile relationship with my H/in laws, takes a lot of adjustment from my end. but she never accepts this.

If she feels my house as her home, and not the same with others house, then it makes a lot of difference. Because I take the initiative to make her feel so.

Even yesterday, after the end of the trip she said she would pack her bags and go to bro's house as she didn't like my H's comments that day.
This time instead of pleading and begging, I said "OK. If you feel comfortable there, then you go. I wouldn't stop you or cage you as your son things. I will manage my life and my kid's safety myself".
My H was very happy about this, and showered me a lot of assurance that we can manage without mom. In fact, I was mentally prepared to accept this change, and move on this time.

But at 2.pm, my sister (who was at bro's place then) called me up to say that Mom will return this evening. Everything is alright. I know she can't leave us. But why the hell we are always blamed?
How to handle this? where I went wrong?

I feel, I should distance from everyone for a while. It is very tiring.

PS: My mom has thyroid prob for a long time. I think it has something to do with her emotional imbalance

 

Mom is always criticizing me. She puts me down, compares me to my sister and SIL, and always compares my marriage to others. She often compares my H to my bro, and wonders how unlucky I am to marry him.
I am used to this, and never takes this seriously. Because I know not every man is same. My H has how own goods, which I know.

But when she compares my kids to my bro's kid and say how unlucky my kids are to have a careless dad, and workaholic mom (due to dad's carelessness; hence to balance) but how lucky my bro's kid whose mom is at home 24/7 and dad (my bro) will do anything for that child. Which is irritating.

She always insist that my other sister or relatives should prioritize my bro over me or others. She ensures that they have a positive relationship, and my bro is not left alone.
She often wonders what will bro things, and what will bro do? But never thinks the same about me or other sister. Specially me despite of living with me.
Eg: If a special guest/relative visit to our city, and contacts mom, she will forces them to visit my bro's place.
Sometimes guests wants to visit me as mom stays with me. But she would just run to my bro's house, so that they will visit him.
Then she will ensure they maintan contacts with my bro.. So that I will be comfortably isolated.

She is very proud about my bro, but never proud about myself despite of my successful career/life. She says as a woman, I am definitely a failure.

I see a lot of differentiation lately, and feels sometimes mom uses me, and isolates me, so that I will always depend on her

 

It is tricky indeed.

We have wholeheartedly accepted mom as part of our family ever since she has come to stay with us (since 2011). Despite of these hiccups, she is overall a very nice mom.
She is very supportive of me, and cares my kids so much. That my kids always treats her as a second mom. I think this care is somewhat very special, and my kids are very lucky in that front.

I know it is one of her mood swings, and I know she is into depression due to varying thyroid hormones too.

In fact, my mom's mood swings and depression is not a rocket science to handle. I have handled even some worst cases like this.

But, the root cause for the problem is not just her mood swings. It is her insecurity about loosing my bro's affection and care. She clearly doesn't want to live with SIL at their house - perhaps due to difference of life style. She is a born controller, and can't live under anyone.
But she is free to control her own child - me, and live independently here. That's why she prefers me.
In my country, it is absolutely all right to live with daughters, as there is no difference from male or female kids.

However, my bro constantly demand her to come and live with him. He thinks his DD is missing a grand mothers love. His in laws are living in another country and hardly visit here.
SIL is very introvert, and my bro believes his DD would become introvert like her mom; thus he prefers someone else (like mom) to be around. The kid is just 1.5 yrs, and a little bit slow than other kids. His request seems reasonable to me.
However mom never prefers to stay there for long time. She goes there during weekends, and spends the day times only. She tells it is too borning at their place, and she can't sleep there too.
However, she doesn't tell this to them. She perhaps tells them that I need her, or my kids need her. That's why my bro is furious, and thinks that I am so selfish that I keep mom for my selfish needs all the time.

Mom knows that my bro is furious, as he expects her so much. Specially for the child.
That's what she is insecure.

That's the reason she goes extra miles to please him in other matters, and often makes him feel supper among his siblings. This is what irritates me.

Also, mom thinks she is doing something extraordinary to me and my kids by not spending times with my bro's family. She believes this too.

Instead of telling my bro that she is highly comfortable at my place, she tells him that she is uncomfortable here. She thinks if she tells the truth bro will feel upset; hence the fear of losing him. Again insecurity.

She knows I need her no matter what, so now she is taking me for granted.

Again, sorry.. I am typing whatever comes to my mind. All are my assumptions though. I am unable to understand the real issue

 

I too prefer the same. I have told her directly and indirectly to live some days/months or years with bro. Because bro wants to keep mom, and mom threatens to go there too.
I know mom and SIL can't get along all the time if lived together. I know bro is so affectionate towards his own family; hence mom's controlling or interferences or any unwanted advises would not be welcomed. And with his sharp tongue, mom can get emotional shocks too.
I want all this to happen, so that they all will somehow realize my worth.

My mom knows this, that's why she is reluctant to settle there. She would say something or the other to escape from their place to come back to me. Which is very fine with me too.

Since I am accepting her wholeheartedly and giving her the space to calm her down, she uses me.
In fact she is worried about what my bro thinks, what my sis thinks when it comes to every matters. But never bothered to care my feelings.

When asked about this once, she said no one respects you. You are ok with your in laws who have insulted you before. You are ok with your husband who has done so much wrong doings to you. Then why are you demanding respect with me all the time?
I know she said it without meaning the same. She respects me too. But this is exactly what she thinks about me.
Because she never takes chances with my bro and sister. Infact she is scared of them.
But takes me for granted.


As for belittling husband before others. She never does that before my husband or others, but with me all the time.
She somehow tries to prove that my husband is very bad, and I should be better off without him.
I don't know why she thinks so.
She treats me as a wife of his enemy sometimes, rather than her own DD.

But whenever my bro and SIL had issues (it was an arranged marriage, SIL is my mom's relative), she sides with SIL, and immediately patches them up. Even whenever I had misunderstanding with SIL, she sides with SIL and makes me patch up with her.

When it comes to kids, she loves my kids obviously. She is happy that my kids are talented and lovable. However, she diciplines them and sometimes criticize their behavior too.
When it comes to my bro's kids, she is very artificial. She praises her so much just too cool down my bro and SIL. She never criticize the kid, even if someone criticize, she would jump to rescue for the kid.
I feel she is highly insecure of my bro. Don't know how to make her normal.

 

I know the cause.. But I don't know how to handle this situation.

The problem is that my mom is silent since past 2 days. She is back at my house, behaves normal with kids. But she doesn't talk to me normally. Just answers the questions only.
It is like she is on strike.

She speaks with my bro and sister over the phone as if nothing has happened. But keeps a long face before me, so that I will continue to feel guilt for making her upset.

This time I don't care. I take my life as it comes. Be normal with kids and hubby and also came to work now.

I know she will be like this for another few days, and suddenly patches up to be normal. But this episode will come back sooner or later.

What can I do as an immediate step?

How can I tell my bro that mom is safe, happy and comfortable here rather than any place, but she is afraid of saying this openly. Because she is insecure of losing your love.
Because of her insecurity, she sometimes goes overboard and makes us uncomfortable.

I don't know whether my bro will accept this? I don't know how to tell this even.

 

This solution sounds sensible. Although I have discussed pretty much the same with my sister, who visited my place around that time before the presence of my mom. My sister clearly accepted that mom feels comfortable here, that's why she doesn't wanna stay at anyone's place. She even told mom as to how uncomfortable she was at bro's and her (sis) houses when she stayed there previously. And everyone thought mom was sick. But after coming to my house, she was perfectly fine and running around the house with kids. Sis said that she knows mom has home sickness, that too for my house.
She spoke before mom and obviously she would have spoken the same when bro and mom stayed together at bro's place yesterday.
My bro too knows this. But he thinks mom rushes to my house, because she wants to help me, and kids.

As you suggested, I have clearly told mom (and others) my stand. But sister (on behalf of foo), who communicated with me yesterday, told that I should know my mom is highly comfortable at my place because she never stays with others. I should be happy about this, and ignore her mood swings since she is very old with hormonal problems.

I know that there is no point of what my sis knows or not. She is anyway an outsider to this problem.

I don't know how best I could talk to my bro without another drama.