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Issues with my family of origin (FOO)

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Feb 8, 2016.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    hi sgbv,

    What I meant was that no mother will support son-in-law or side with him against her own son. It doesnt matter who is right or not. When the family lines get drawn, loyalty to the family name, khandaan type of thing will take precedence over any personal liking, personal dynamics etc.

    The existence of this 'blind spot' is what I am asking you to recognize.
     
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  2. maya9876

    maya9876 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP

    I make two observations here from your posts. Your FOO is not over your past troubles with hubby. They are still holding this against him. Maybe the way you were treated before by ur hubby n fam and the troubles you guys had is still lingering in their minds to an extent that they still have some resentment towards him. While you have moved on and they are still holding on to some bitterness and this comes out every now and then.

    It is also evident that you are close knit family and your mom has always been there you. This combined with the fact that you had troubles in your marriage earlier must have made her more protective towards you, providing you all the support and time she had. Now because she stayed with you all this while, she has settled in your home, made your home her own and always felt comfortable with pangs of discomfort every now and then because of resentment towards your hubby. But years has passed and she is still providing the same support she provided when you were vulnerable. You may argue that you have made it easier on her now compared to before etc. But in outsiders eyes( your bro etc) it might seem like mom is still giving you all the support and time and that shes been taken for granted.
    These thoughts and frustrations must be been bottled up in their minds and the cork has come loose when your hubby slightly showed his discontent about mom staying in your room. You have also mentioned in your posts that mom portrays that she stays with you because you need her. This is what she must be projecting all the time and so its natural for your siblings to feel a certain way about it.

    I think you shouldn't take this incident lightly. If I were you, this will be my biggest clue about bros feelings and mom feelings towards me and my DH. I will address this as soon as possible so every one is clear in their mind so to avoid future blow ups who knows in the future these frustrations might get bigger leading to bigger blow ups and more embarrassment. Also since you are a close knit family, it is important to not let these negativeness to stay on because if left untreated it will lead to more distance between you guys.

    Have a meeting with your bro and mom. However you want to do this, either in his house when mom is around or in your house over a cup of tea or dinner. Make sure your hubby's is not around for this as he doesn't need to be involved in matters between siblings (especially because of resentments from both sides towards each other). You can always give him a run down on the events later when u guys are alone. In the chat tell them openly that you get a feeling that everyone feels you are not letting mom go but in reality you are more than happy for brother to take her to his house for however long. Being calm and firm about it while you send the message to everyone that you really mean it and not just saying for the heck of it. If your mom objects and says she stays with you because you need her then address that but bro needs to there for this conversation so he sees your side too. It needs to be clear to him that you are wholeheartedly happy for her to move.

    Now you have said your mom is uncomfortable in his house but this is because like you said your home is where shes settled so it will be hard for her to live in your bro's house comfortably when all her things are permanently settled in your house. When she goes to bros house she will have to move completely so she is able to settle at his including her hobby stuff and every single thing she needs and has. This will ensure she starts fresh in his house and has a chance at feeling completely settled eventually just like she has in your house. If she goes for short breaks to bros house ofcourse she will feel uncomfortable just as we all do when we travel somewhere initially we enjoy but then start missing home as all our comfort level and things are there and we crave to go back.

    About the second incident. Are you and dh more affluent than bro? If this is the case the it explains why mom was particular about sharing the bill when it was your bro or sis turn.

    As you have noted yourself your mom is insecure about your bro. Maybe because she doesn't stay with him and maybe she is starting to feel she has spent a lot of time helping you and regrets a little bit about not having the time for him(his wedding time etc). So because of these feelings she's going above and beyond in favoring your bro to make up for her 'mistakes'. Ignore her favoritism for him for now, she is with you so she feels the need the favor him. Who knows if she settled with him for long then she will favor you. So leave that aside for now. Deal with one issue at a time. Good Luck
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you so much for your response everyone.

    @Maya9876

    You have correctly analyzed my case and your suggestions seems perfect.

    The main issue is that my FOO is yet to be over from the past issues with my H. So any tiniest fraction between my H and then could lead to a serious fight. I have had similar experience in the past as well. Sigh... I didn't learn my lessons there.
    This time, it is a best lesson for myself. Never go on trips with 2 sets of people who never get along with each other.
    It is always an added pressure on me to look after both without any clashes. This way, I can't enjoy the real meaning of vacation. Plus, if anything goes wrong, it goes beyond my control, resulting heart breaks and fraction.
    So, a strict NO to family trips hereafter.

    As for the meeting with mom and bro... My sis did similar meeting on the very next day after this matter at my bro's place.
    She clearly told both of them the fact that mom likes to spend at my house for the comforts, because she has been here for a while, and made this place as her home - including her hobby. So, she can't stay comfortably at any place, including her house.
    Because mom agreed to stay with SIS last year when she delivered her second kid. The agreement is that mom will be there for 6 months. So, she went there with almost all the stuffs.
    But she ended up coming to my house every weekends voluntarily. SIS was tired of arranging transport for mom this way.
    And mom would be very reluctant to return every time.
    Plus, she seemed very sick, very very uncomfortable at SIS's place during her stay of just 10 days. This way, SIS's H felt guilt for keeping an old person at this condition; hence they decided to send back mom after a month.
    I too thought mom was sick there. Because she gets sick then and there.

    But SIS says, they were wondering about mom's activeness when they came for a visit to my place the next month. Mom was cooking, running behind the kids, laughing and what not.
    In fact, BIL was asking SIS as to how miraculously your mom has been cured after coming here.
    Then aparently SIS replied, mom has home sickness, not for her own house (which is given for rent) but at my elder sis's house.
    This way, my SIS understands this issue clearly, and allow mom to enjoy wherever she likes to live in her last days happily.
    Unless, SIS is in real need of mom, she doesn't call her up. But she frequently visits mom (at my place) and enjoy the presence of mom.

    Even though she told this to my bro, he doesn't seem to be getting it. He blames mom for acting, so that she can favor me. He is strong in his words to say that mom should stay at his place, and spend times with his child. Because he has the right to ask mom to spend time with his child, who is now spending most of the times with a nanny (despite SIL is a stay at home mom). SIL has other hobbies, and she is very slow at house works. So, she spends most of the time for herself, which results very less time with the child.
    That's why my bro feels mom should complement.
    Another reason is, my kids and my sister's kids have complete access to their grand parents (both paternal and maternal). My bro believes that's the reason the kids are very active.
    But unfortunately his PILs are living in abroad, and mom visits once in every weekend only.
    He thinks he is left out, and mom should definitely come and stay with him.

    Mom is unable to reject his request. She is infact afraid of his sharp tongue.
    At the same time she doesn't wanna live there forever.

    I understand the underlying reason for MOM's obsessed love and affection for my bro, and those artificial and unrealistic affection towards their family. More importantly I can understand why my mom is very stressed when it comes to bro's matters and often wants to prove him that she is on his side.

    But it irritates when it happens repeatedly at my place.
     
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    SGBV
    Some honest advise....your situation is like a typical Indian joint family situation,except the roles are reversed.

    Your husband is in the position of the Indian dil and you are in the role of the Indian son who knows his mom is wrong but still wants the spouse to have to bear with it.

    This is a serious problem and it may cause problems in your marriage.I understand you had very bad experience n the past with husband and in laws...but if you have got things back again on track..then you need to keep it on track.

    What your in laws did to you...now your family is doing to your husband.Disrespecting the man,the husband and the father .

    You need to stand by your husband here. You need to keep both sides of the family from effecting your marriage.

    You cannot allow your mother or your brother to disrespect your husband like this .
    Your husband is a patient man...most others would have walked out of the family vacation.

    Your husband's mil's insecurities should not be allowed to do this to your husband .

    If your FOO cannot treat your husband with respect...then do not get them together where they can treat him like that .

    Sort out problem about mom between you siblings without letting your husband be the punching bag.

    Sorry if my post seems rude or too frank. I do wish the best for you.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Sgbv.....the whole problem could be solved if your mom tells your brother that she likes staying at your place because she feels comfortable at your place.

    Work on getting her to say that.Your sister is your biggest ally and get her to help you with this.

    Tell mom this issue is causing problem between brother and sister and she needs to clear things up.

    May be a little emotional talk between mom and daughters.

    Is it possible to get brothers kid to spend more time at your place with your mom and your kids?May be you could have more sleep overs for the kid and that way the child could be with grand ma too.
     
  6. Katakam123

    Katakam123 Silver IL'ite

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    Seems like a situation heard somewhere before, not sure what to say. A thought that I always feel, some parents seems to know the problem of the kids that are not with them and appreciate them more than the kid that look after them and take care of them.
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @Yellowmango.

    Thanks a lot for your response. I like honest and too frank responses like this. Because that's why I am here. My folks, friends and colleagues would always give me a very biased opinion, which is not be useful.

    You got me wrong.
    Whenever my mom bad mouths about my H or kids for whatever the reasons (sometimes valuable and good reasons too), I never allowed her to continue. I make a full stop by saying a strong enough. This has spoiled my beautiful relationship with mom.
    Mom is not a type who will bad mouth about others for time pass. My MIL did that before.
    Mom is overly conscious about my safety, because my life was at great risk because of my H and in laws in the past.
    I am over from the past issues. I truly love my husband, and I can forgive him wholeheartedly. I can trust him again, and share the same bond ever again. We have that chemistry working between us. Because we are H&W for the past 7 years.
    But I can't expect my mom do the same as me. She is anyway an outsider. Most of our internal discussions have never been shared with her. Perhaps, that's why her wound is still raw.
    She often have trust issue about my H and in laws.
    For ex: If FIL and H speaks for 30 mins over the phone, I would care nothing about it. Now I know my H will say the summary after the talk, or at least he won't cheat me again.
    But mom will be panicking. She would stress about my FD, and bank pass book etc... and re-check whether my savings are in my name or H's name. Whether my H knows my PW. Whether I am careful about my savings etc..
    She would even think about a surgery which is scheduled to be held on me in 2017 (if the cyst is still there) and worry as to what will happen if FIL and H cunningly bankrupt me like before.
    So, her worries are real. Because she hasn't seen much about my changed H.
    She is comparing my H to other genuine Hs like my bro or BIL or even our dad.
    Her comparison is not wrong. But the thing is my husband has changed, still changing and I believe he will be fully changed to a gem of a person soon. Because I love him, I share a close bonding with him. She is not.

    However, I never allow her to say a word about my H before him or before others. So, there is no way my H understands that his MIL has a wrong thoughts about him.

    However, my siblings know our history clearly. They were there. So, I can't always stop mom from worrying with them. But everytime she does this, I put a full stop, and that makes both of our egos fragile.

    My story can not be compared with a typical indian joint family, unless if the DIL of that Indian family is badly unreasonable all the time, but has changed for a while. If so, I am sure you'll would have supported that MIL and H despite of their roles.
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly.
    But I can clearly see the upcoming issues and fractions if mom is so open and honest with my bro about this.
    My bro is the main source of financial help for my mom. She values that a lot.
    She is insecure about her future, given her situation as a jobless widow.
    Although all the 3 kids of her are well settled and ready to help her, she feels she should have a saving (from what we gift her) and shouldn't trouble her kids at her last times (hospital, surgery expenses).
    So, she highly values my bro's financial helps for now.
    My bro is financially doing excellent compared to the rest of us. So, spending on mom lavishly is never his problem.
    Although we too give her cash, gifts etc.... but less in amount compared to what he gives.

    He is emotionally so attached to mom as me. He always wants to give mom comforts and believes she will be comfortable at his place than at my place. Reason is my H.
    He thinks mom would be comfortable if my H is not present. Because both of them are not getting along well.
    But in fact, mom has no issue with H. She is free and comfortable here despite of H's presence. But she feels suppressed before SIL although both of them gel well.
    She often things a house is belong to the woman of the family, as she runs the house. So, she things my house is mine, whereas bro's house is SIL's. Because all the decision of the in house matters (like what to cook, how to arrange the furniture, what to keep, how to supervise the maid, how to discipline the kids etc..) are taken cared by the woman only.
    In that context, she gels with me absolutely well than with my SIL (obviously a person with different values).

    But she doesn't want to tell this to my bro. Doesn't even want to accept this in open or share with anyone.
    Because she fears her son will lose the extreme care and affection on her. Insecurity.

    Again, the other reason is... my bro is too affectionate with his own family than an average husband. So, if any slight remark about SIL or his kid would be enough to totally cut ties with mom no matter what.
    She knows that.
    So, mom knows very well that staying with son means losing son in the long run. She will never ruin this.

    However, saying this to son openly means losing him immediately. So either way, she will be quit about this.

    All I want is some understanding from my bro's side. My sis, and SIL and BIL see this problem, and tried talking to bro. But he is egoistic and never wants to believe that his mom is not so comfortable at his place, where he loves her so much.
    This very feeling makes him aggressive; hence more pressure towards mom to come there.
    It is a cycle, that mom becomes problematic when she is pressurized. She can't blame me or anyone just like that for this. But the only person with loads of imperfection in the family is my H. Who is blamed.
    Since he doesn't understand what's going on behind his back, he is happy.
    But I am sandwiched between both of them. I can't allow mom to criticize H for her convenience, although sometimes she sounds true. But at the same time, I can't let her suffer and sandwiched between her kids. She needs a way out.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    @SGBV,I do agree that a mother will never forgive a person who hurt her child .
    May be you should work towards making your mother feel more secure about your financial future.Keep her updated about how you have secured your finances for 'your' family. Make more effort to keep her at peace.

    Now that you are so hopeful about your future with husband,just make sure you give some space for your husband ,from your mom. They probably will not ever be friends.

    Same with your brother.

    Like in the incidence you have mentioned about the vacation. I do not think your husband was at fault at all. Husband wife should not have to share a room with mil....whether a girls or guys. How often do we squirm at guys who bunk in room with wife and mother during vacations. Besides he did not know about the forth room purpose.Frankly speaking,the mother deserved to have the forth room to herself and the drinking should have been taken outside. A room for mother is more important than a room for drinking.

    OP Your family talking about your husband amongst themselves or with you in private is fine.That probably is a bit healthy too ,considering the history.It takes time to process the bad past .

    They looking out for you is also a good thing for you and your kids.Knowing you have support will keep husband honest and not take your relationship for granted.

    But your family needs to respect him as your husband and be civil,otherwise in the long term,it will take a toll on your marriage.

    May be you could let them know that they can discuss with you in private and you can reassure them in private but no outbursts in front of him .

    Three good years is not long enough to erase the memories of three nightmare years. Give them time and space to get over the past.

    I write all this as a third person who only knows you from your posts so I could be totally wrong in my understanding of the situation.

    I do wish you the best and wish the good times in your married life only get better with time.

    Cheers Op.
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I just meant your present situation...not your entire story.
    You have seen it all.You should write for some daily soaps and get really rich!
     

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