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abused by brother

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by jyotsna1005, Oct 8, 2015.

  1. jyotsna1005

    jyotsna1005 New IL'ite

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    When ! was 8-9 years my brother, who is 3 years older, forced himself on me, he actually raped me. ! started bleeding and went to the bathroom and washed myself, at that age ! did not understand what had happened and did not tell any one about it. My memories of when I was 12 or 13 years old are of him trying to touch me etc at night while sleeping. We are 6 siblings and the girls had one room where we all slept, I am the oldest among st the girls, and I would keep the bedroom door locked at night. The boys slept in another room. Sometimes on hot summer days my mother would put mattresses on the floor and we would all sleep on one large room which was cooler then the others. That is where he would try to touch me etc , I used to be terrified, but i would go and sleep next to my mother and that kept him away. My father used to work night shifts. Later when I was 15-16 years old he would try to peep from the toilet into the bathroom where ! would be bathing. I never told anyone about it.

    I am now 55 years old, I had pushed all those unpleasant incidents at the back of my mind, until about 2 years ago when my other bhabi told me that this brother's wife who had abused me as a kid, told her that I used have sex with him. I was shocked and stunned, he had raped me and he told his wife that I had sex with him, I was very furious, I wanted to confront my brother but have not been able to do so. Now I have also come to know that his wife who is the jealous insecure types have also told my cousins the same.

    This is the same brother whom I have helped financially and also when he lost his son 6 years ago, for almost a year I gave him a lot of emotoinal support, he used to call me almost daily and cry on the phone. My other siblings are all abroad expect for my youngest brother who does not get along with him.

    Now his wife is critically ill, she is admitted in a hospital where I stay, my younger brother and I have taken turns to help out by sending meals three times a day and I have opened my house to him and his sister in law and brother in law who are taking turns to be by their sisters side in the hospital. It is very stressful for me because my in laws who live with me do not approve of it and my husband, who does not like my brother, is not too happy either.

    Tonight I am very disturbed, my brother has come to my house from the hospital, to spent the night, I served him dinner, and while I was sitting with him discussing his wife's condition when he pointedly touched his penis twice, I dunno whether he was doing it intentionally or unconsciously. I was so disgusted that i took my leave and went to my room. Right now I am so angry, I cant even tell my husband abt it. Last year, I had confided in my sister and she told me to forget about it and god is punishing him for what he did.

    I want to tell my brother to get lost and never come to my house again and show me his face to me tomorrow morning but I cant because even without any fault of mine, I am too embarrassed to raise the topic.

    Please help me ladies, guide me as to how I can get him out of my life.
     
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  2. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry to hear what you had to go through. Just cut off all the relationship with the brother and his family. No need to visit his ailing wife or sending food for her. Your brother is pathetic. There is no point in talking to him about the incident or about what he told his wife. Don't answer his phone. Don't let him enter your house. Just ask him to go from the door. Be firm and stand up for yourself.
     
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  3. jyotsna1005

    jyotsna1005 New IL'ite

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    thanks Akanksha, I know thats what i need to do, I just have to get around to do it, can you believe it i still feel bec his wife is so critically ill, now is not the time to do so, I am so pathetic, but I am going to do it, the sooner the better.
     
  4. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    He is no brother to you. Close your doors to this horrible, dangerous, lying, rapist.
     
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  5. catwalk

    catwalk Gold IL'ite

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    Feel sorry to hear about your life. Can't imagine the pain you might have gone through all these years.

    He had not realized his mistakes even after grown up. That's why he shared his version of the story with others. It could be an attempt to defend himself or to pave way to trap someone else also into his perversion. God has punished him for his activities. I think he has to gone through it alone.

    If you are not comfortable, please maintain a distance from him. Your husband and IL's are also not comfortable with him. It may be very difficult it a large joint family like yours. Still your priority must be the integrity of your family. So there is nothing wrong in detaching or maintain a safe distance from him.

    If it really hurts you, you may consult with a clinical psychologist.
     
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  6. sangeethakripa

    sangeethakripa Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry for you. Disconnect all your ties with his family. Chuck his memories from you. Don't be guilty about your state. If he can go around lying about you after so many years... He his heartless. Dont show any mercy. He can take of himself and his family.
     
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  7. Indianwomen

    Indianwomen Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Jyotsna, I feel sorry to hear about it. I believe that paap pehle maan mein hota hai and rest is all actions. Your brother will not change in fact these kind of people never change. They are sick mentally as I mentioned earlier. If you do not want to tell your husband then don't but also stop being victim any more. You will have to speak to your brother and ask him to get out. Because you never know he might try to do the same thing to someone else in your house. These kind of people never accept that they have done anything wrong, they will raise their voice also to sound true but still you have to be adamant that he did it and he has to get out. Also, at the same time be careful in future. You were a child so it is not your fault and these kind of people make you believe that it was your fault. So be strong. I am writing to you this because I was abused as well as a child, it was not my fault. Until now I kept thinking my mother knew it but she had no clue. I told her for the first time after 37 years and she told me it is not my fault. I confronted that person and he shouted and said that he cannot believe that I have blamed him of such a heinous crime. I replied him back what ever I said was true and I have not forgotten anything. I told him to be careful as I am watching him when he is around my kids. I cannot throw him out of the house because he is part of family but he knows that I am watchful and he will be punished if he repeats it again. And from my experience I am telling you these people do not change.
     
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  8. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    If it is a real situation then its a really sad state and you need to confront your brother,but I'd suggest to do it publicly so that he does not indulge in malicious propaganda against you.
    But you'll have to take your family into confidence first.May be call a close conference of cousins and reveal all the miserable things he did and narrate all the suffering that you have been through.

    At the same time your story reflects deeply on the hypocrisy of values that are instilled into us in the name of family.
    You helped your brother financially ,emotionally despite all he did to you.
    This makes your situation very sad to me.
    I shiver to think about the mental trauma which a person might have to go through providing support to a family member who actually robbed her of her honor and scarred her psyche for life.
    The audacity of the person and the social(?)compulsion of this person to ask and offer support.
    All in the name of family. A family despite everything.Despite every_sick_thing.
    U'll be in my prayers .Definitely you'll be.
     
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  9. sanarthi

    sanarthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi jyotsna1005

    Really sorry to hear your situation. I am a victim too. But the person i dont see him often so get a chance to forget the pain. But your situation is different.

    Make your brother understand that you are not the same old person who can be abused verbally or physically. And also have a close eye on your brohter. may be he can do this to anyone of the girl child in your family. Always , have an eye when your brother is around with girl children.

    This i tell you because, the person who abused me dared not to touch girl cousins when my mother is near us or any ohter elder women accompanied us. So you have to to strong enough that your mere presence itself will make your brohter not to dare to get into this crime.

    Regards,
    Sanarthi


     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You are a grown up adult, Must be a mother to some young children.

    While understanding your pathetic past and the trauma you may have encountered, I find it difficult to understand your "closeness" to your brother and his family till now.

    He has raped you. That itself is very much enough to cut complete ties from his family. You could have very much covered this up behind your husband and in laws, as they don't get along with him?

    How come you speak with him, and serve him food, leave alone giving him emotional and financial support every day.

    Cut complete ties with this family now. Give some fake reasons for the society. Stand with your H and in laws in this matter.. and chase your brother out.

    He will know the reason.

    PS: He thinks you are a wife material, and a substitute for his wife. You are allowing him to think so by your ignorance. Stand up for your self. One day you may need to stand up for your children too.
     

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