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planing R2i- hard to stay at parents home after marriage- pls help

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by gankita, Sep 4, 2015.

  1. gankita

    gankita Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry for the long post

    About me-
    Married for 6 years n U.S, have toddler
    tried to do higher studies in U.S after marriage, it didn't worked part of it due to health issues and partly due to financial matters.
    had to drop it in between. Health became more worse after that. suffered from panic attacks too.
    I was admitted to emergency and with no support in U.S, decided to move to India.
    dh tried applying in India but till now nothing worked.
    I come to U.S, everytime something or other happens( mostly with my health, then we get frightened, as no help around, dh has very long working hrs :then we decide i shd go back to India and my dh can join later. He tries to apply in many institutes but no luck:(
    This has happened many times.

    Present situation-
    I am in India. We don't have our own home here. In-laws are in joint family, no space for us. MIL was strong support system(she passed away)
    I had to live at my Parent's home. i feel they are also tired of me staying for so long.(though they don't say openely) My mother has almost stopped talking to me.
    I don't say much as both are heart patients. I am detist so we all thought as i already had long gap with career , i shd join some some institute voluntarily.
    With lots of struggle, i found one and mean while looking for other options too.
    My brother has job in that city, so he thought i can stay with him as he is also new to place and he will also get help in settling his house.( my sis-in -law is doing her pg in other city)
    My dad wanted to give me a house, so he took some loan in his name and some in name of my brother(as he cant take huge loan in his name). I was never in favor of taking loan and having house for myself.

    Also, my dad told me to apply for sme job that will require some monetary donation if needed.
    I asked my brother if i should start preparing for that job if they will call for interview.
    he started saying- it will require huge donation.
    i said - i never asked you or dad to pay donation. I just came to know students were preparing for it.
    i said mujhe money ko lekar mat sunaya karo. (pls dont talk about money matters)
    he shouted i had already paid xx amount of money for you for home.(
    (he hasn't spent a penny- he as talking abt house for which my dad took loan)
    I said i never said, nor i am staying there. moreover you didnt spend anything.
    His words meant, whatever is dad, is his.

    He said paying donation for job is wrong investment , already they have done wrong investment for house.
    I said dad spent 15 lakhs on you pg. he said it will pay back and he never talks abt the money spent on him.
    he kept shouting we are always worried abt you. I want u to go back to U.S.
    Though he believes in need psychiatric t/t as i always feel lonely in U.S, still he wants me to go.

    His words clearly meant he doesn't want me to stay as dad will spend money on me that he and his wife don't like.

    I came to my parents place. I am so disrurbed what shd i do.
    I just wants to go back to U.S but dh says i shd concentrate on my career.

    Please ladies pls pls advice.
    how shd i proceed.
    pls no nagging. looking for advice
     
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  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Why are you still taking money or house from your parents . You say to them you don't need it .

    Does your husband send money for your expenses and studies . When your brother says anything about donation , why don't you say that is my and husband'a headache , you don't worry.

    what is your health problem , why does it get worse when you stay in US , did doctors say anything ? Can you treat t and then join your husband . This situation of staying with parents will not work long time , you need to look for alternatives .
     
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  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,Can you give a little more background to your brother talking about house and your
    staying here indefinitely.
     
  4. gankita

    gankita Silver IL'ite

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    I am not taking money from my parents. We wanted to have our own house according to our budget in small city. My dad had some property in my name before marriage and wanted to sell it and have a home in some good city as he believes me and my dh job would be gd in big city. moreover in case we plan to r2i, child education will be better in big city.

    My dh send me expenses and i use that for my kid education n other expenses.
     
  5. gankita

    gankita Silver IL'ite

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    I am not staying at my brother's place.
    and ofcourse not INDEFINATELY.
     
  6. gankita

    gankita Silver IL'ite

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    I am not staying at my brother's place.
    and ofcourse not INDEFINATELY.
     
  7. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP: I am not understanding why, if you are a dentist, you are not practicing dentistry after coming back to India. Should you not be trying to do that as that is a good paying career?

    From what you have said about your panic attacks, I would agree that you should be taking care of your mental health issues. Panic attacks can be greatly helped by medication and also there are behavior exercises that can relieve anxiety. Please try to get that straightened out so that your other problems will feel much more manageable.
     
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  8. gankita

    gankita Silver IL'ite

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    I haven't practiced dentistry since long (huge gap)still I am volunteering at some clinic to get myself acquainted and then only can think of practicing dentistry. Also, its not very enriching career. with bachelor's degree payscale is not more than 7000rs per month.
     
  9. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry to quibble but that is pay of a maid. Surely you get more than that.

    I believe organizations like Smile Train give specialized training to local doctors for support of the work they do and then those doctors are hired to do the operations on the patients they send to them. Just a thought. Would be rewarding work if you like helping the disadvantaged.
     
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  10. gankita

    gankita Silver IL'ite

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    I am taking homeopathic treatment.
    Staying at Parent's home home i feel so guilty. Though my dad is ok with me, my mom don't talk much with me. Even when i told wahtever my brother said to me, she didn't said a word in that matter.

    I don't know how to proceed further.
     

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