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my relation with my mother has changed

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by priynwada, Aug 21, 2015.

  1. priynwada

    priynwada Senior IL'ite

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    Hii ladies. With eyes full of tears I'm writing this post. I love my mother so much. But her behavior towards me is changed.

    My mother thinks I'm married:I live in usa so I'll not look after her at her old days. She's 50 now. She said me this. I though she must be joking. But then I realised her more love towards my sister. She's doing a lot partiality. Like preparing Mala of her choice. Telling me to give her food in her hand. Shopping of thousands on her but not on me. The same applies to my father. If I tease my sister jokingly both shout at me. This was not before where we both treated equally.

    I sometimes hate my mother. I came to india because of my exam. I requested my mother to look after my son. But soon she created such scenes omg. Once I even about to jump from 11 th floor. My mother did not feel bad instead she said if u die then I have to go to jail. Who will look after ur sister. I hateeee her for this. Exam went very bad. Due to her bad wishes.

    My parents visited me in usa for my delivery. That was the time I needed them most. They just lived there for 11 days and went reason was my sisters college. She was 22 at that time and could manage by herself. But they ran away. My mil did all my works.

    I don't know if I could manage to forgive them. Everyone calls my mother a selfish one and yes I also believe it now.
     
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  2. gankita

    gankita Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Priya,

    Reading your post i think your mom is insecure about her old age n wants more affection from younger daughter or she must have some misunderstandings towards you.

    I am sailing in similar situation too. My mom used to love me a lot but i had to come back to India due to some health reasons and have been staying with my parents for few months. She has almost stopped talking to me and i feel a stranger in my own home.
     
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  3. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Part of growing up is also that the relationship towards your parents change. You are now on your own and you have your own family. Maybe you should focus now on your own family.
     
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  4. Lathasv

    Lathasv IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't feel sad @priynwada.No expectations from loved ones gives happiness in life.
    As a mother she has to love and take care of you and your sister equally and does't need to behave with you so rudely. You understood one thing ,Already she told you about that only your sister take care of her in her old age so that she is showing her partiality. Don't feel bad about your mom but you will remain as you and show love and care towards your mom :)One day she wil definitely know the truth.
     
  5. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    You are married and you have a dh to buy things for you or gives you money to spend on yourself .Its wrong on your part to expect your parents to spend the same amount like for your sister .....who is still unmarried & yet not started earning on her own.

    Leaving an unmarried daughter in another country is not a convenient option for a mom.But she still came there to be with you during delivery.Your sisters education and her staying facility may be not in your priority list ,you cant expect your mom to share that opinion.You need to understand matters from thier perspective too. Thier responsibility towards your sister is not completed and they would have preferred you to come home for delivery.

    Your mom is right to deal calmly with you when you were threatening to jump out from 11th floor........whatelse you expected ...that she would come begging to do whatever you ask for and set herself up for more such ....dramas from you.The more dramas you play ,less you get respected .Its not fair to blame your exam failure on your mom.


    Instead of getting mad towards your sister by always comparing ......think what had changed in yourself to make them behave diff towards you .As you were not in good relationship with your dh,they want to discourage you to be dependent on them .......so pushing you to better your relationship with dh ?
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....you are being unfair to your mother.
    Leaving a young girl and going abroad is not an easy decision for parents in India to make. They helped you and went back because you were with your husband and they probably had to worry about your sister.

    Your attempt to jump from 11th floor for something silly would scare the hell out of any one. You are saying your mother doesn't care about you. Did you think about your helpless child before you made that attempt? Think about that.

    Op you are the elder daughter of your parents and you need to be more responsible not just to yourself and your immediate family ,but also towards your parents family.At least you should not add to their trouble.

    Your sister is with your parents for just a few more years before she also leaves them for work or marriage. Let them enjoy each others company .

    Your sister is still studying and is dependent on our parents for buying her things...like you probably were before you got married.Once she gets a job,she will probably buy things for them.

    Chill op....your parents love you because they are your parents. They probably expect you to be more responsible with your self. Don't compare with sister.You sisters are in different places in life.

    Study again and give exams .

    Is it possible you are depressed. May be talking to a doctor will help.
     
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  7. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    I may have a very different perspective, so please bear with me.
    Let' s say your parents need you tomorrow for a root canal, will you be there? If your mom cries for you to come back, or just tells you about her day, where she couldn't get out of bed- all because of root canal, how will you feel? You will not fly for small stuff like root canal, daily stuff, but your sister is there- a real person.
    Be glad that your sister is there, she is kind of taking your share of responsibility, too.
    When we come to this country, parents suffer. Just wish that your sister is in the same city as your mom even after marriage. Let her have all extra attention, love, shopping.
    We cannot fly from here for each small things, and after awhile it will be cause anguish. If your parents are taken care of by any person, be thankful to that person. You are getting a lot of time to focus of your family, without any guilt of not doing right by your parents- it's a huge gift, that your sister can give you. Your mom has realized this and trying to secure her old age with her younger daughter, she has all the right to do so.
    you be happy for all guilt free happiness around you. Because you are not asking your sister to go check on your mom; imagine doing that on phone, everyday. You don't have to do it because your mom has arranged for it already.
    BTW I felt my parents were getting old when they were in 45, but parents don't get really old, old till 65. So you have a good 10 years to make and focus on your family.
     
  8. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    After marraige, if we expect any gifts or money from parents, we will not get respect by parents and siblings. If relatives know this they also will not give u respect. That is 100% sure.

    why ur mom created scene when u asked to look after ur kid?
    Any health issue like joint pains for her? does she usually not do any house work, dependent on maids? U search for a maid and keep to look after ur kid, ur mom can supervise., u do this when u go to write exam next time.
    u or maid can do all kid related work, so ur mom can't get overloaded with work.

    my bro buys stuff for my sister but not me as I am married. My parents care for her health, etc as she is their responsibility, it is common. It may seem u are not loved much, but after marraige so many clashes happens between parents and children, those things also affect our relationship, sometimes, but our parents will be there for us when we need them that is for sure.
     
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  9. chocogal26

    chocogal26 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear hermitcrab.......I don't know i am right or wrong....i want to know do you have kids? i am asking because the only person do something for her children without any return/ expectation/ favour is "MOTHER". I am a mother of a kid...no matter what....i will try my level best to only Give in terms of money/time/help/ any thing....till my last breath without any terms and conditions...like he will take care of me in my old age or not.
    i think op concerns is not gifts n all....main point is she wants some help from her own mother when she gave a birth and her exam...but her mother leave her in 11th day after the delivery....This is worst....it can be understand only that person who is going through.
    I AM REALLY SORRY BUT I AM NOT AGREE WITH THIS LOGIC.

    "A MOTHER'S LOVE SHOULD BE UNCONDITIONAL"
     
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  10. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    Chocogal26
    I don't think that a mothers love stays unconditional, forever. They still love us more than strangers and relatives, but still not unconditional.
    I was not helped by either my MIL or Mom, when I had my baby. I came home on 5 th day and was cleaning and cooking, no grudges.
    for now, I think my love for my baby will be unconditional, forever. But I love very few people unconditionally.
    My mom won't watch my baby for a day, and I don't think it's her responsibility. If she helps me, I will be grateful.
    OP, is sad and I suggested a different way of looking at things. It will help her immensely, in long run. My writing had nothing to do with me being a mom; I was writing as a daughter.
    I am guessing you were born in UK? And under 35. There's a time in our life when our parents need us, and it is very sad to be not able to help. My coworkers had a servant family take care of parents as all siblings were here. In return, they pay them very good, sponsor education etc.
    there are few things we expats have to live with e.g. guilt , no one talk about it.
     
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