Will you take Care of Parents too in Old Age?

Dear Grihani,

I am the youngest son of my parents. I took care of my father when he was suffering from chronic renal failure. I was by his side all 11 months of his suffering. He passed away in 1987. I migrated to the U.S. In 1995. My mother was 65 years old at that time but was healthy. She stayed with my elder brother in India but I never failed to spend time with my mother every single year. She fell down in 2011 and became seriously ill in 2011 and I had to leave my wife who had a multiple fracture in her hand alone to see my mother. Now she is bedridden and therefore I go to India every year to see her.

Since my my wife was the only child for my PILs, my father told me to consider them as my second parents. Therefore, I invited them to the U.S. Every alternate year so that they can spend time with all of us. My FIL became very sick in 2013 and I rushed my wife immediately. He died in 2013 and I rushed immediately to perform his lost rites. I went again next year to perform his first death anniversary. Since my FIL died, I asked my MIL to move to the U.S. and she presently lives in the U.S. for the past 2 years. We have obtained green card for her. We are planning to take her back to India every year as long as she is able to travel so that she could spend time in the house she spend several years with her husband.

Whether they are my parents or my wife's parents, we treat them the same way. If my wife is part of me, how can I expect her to treat my parents well while I don't treat her parents well? I have been helping my parents in law financially since my FIL's retirement 15 years back. I would have done the same thing to my mother if she needed financial help.

Viswa

 

Dear grihani,
It goes without saying it is the moral responsibility of not only sons but daughters also to do what they can to look after their parents in need. But as you said, due to the traditional upbringing - in many families - it is still considered only the son's duty to take care and daughter's duty is to her in-laws only. However everywhere we see the conflict between couples going on - with this being the main issue. It still seems a long way to go before girls are completely free to render financial/physical help to their parents - especially if it is at the cost of inconvenience to their married home.
So the question still remains how effectively we are able to balance all responsibilities all round. I would say a woman should be there both for her parents and inlaws - if she has to maintain cordial marital ties.

 

@Viswamitra,
Sir it really feels nice to hear of people like you with balanced thinking. This i would say is due to your upbringing and exposure. Wish many more men were like this.

 

We are two sisters and when time arrives, we will definitely take of our parents without second thoughts. Yes, there is a tremendous need to break the traditional patriarchic rules of the society, but, i have noticed more men are realizing that the wife's parents are to be give equal importance as his own parents and that they deserve to be treated the same way as his own parents. Similarly, I would treat my in-laws they same way as i would treat my parents if need arises. This is a positive change in the educated classes of the society and need to spread across widely. It is also the responsibility of the parents of the boys to make sure this forward thinking is inscribed in the upbringing of the male child. Definitely, we need the age old thinking that the girl child belongs only to the husbands house once married must be eliminated. Only then such positive changes can occur in the society.

 

@Grihani dear you are right its the daughters and brothers responsbility to take care of their parents in old age. I had the opportunity to look after my parents and my grandmother when they were sick. My father suffered from Cancer when I was 20 years old and that time I was only giving tuitions as I did not get proper job, actually I had got a job as a teacher but I did not like, those days parents used to think that daughters should not work in an office. My father had Cancer and she tried allopathic, ayurvedic but it was not cured . Since my elder brother and sister were working , he did not want to disturb them, so he used to tell me to take care of him. So I took care and he died in 1963 when I was 20 yrs old. Also my grandmother, though my mother's mother suffered from cancer and had the opportunity to take care of her taking her to hospital and being there , I was not married that time. She died in 1971, before she died she blessed me and told me for your sister's wedding I prayed to make 1001 kozakattai for Lord Vinayaka but in your case I wont be there but you will get a good husband and what a surprise I got a husband who is from her place. My sister was always there during the problems my father used to face and with his blessings she got a husband from his place. After marriage my mother stayed with me to look after my children and my husband used to take good care of her. She did not suffer much. Before we could find out whats the problem she died . I used to go to the hospital to take care o fher and one evening when I had goen to see her my husband said she wont live long, actually I had told her next day I will be late to come and see her but that night only I went again to see her and she was surprised and next day she died and the doctor sent me to inform my brothers and sister that she is not well and when she died my husband was near her like a son.

Earlier days daughter could not take care of their parents much but now adays I feel with the support of their husband they are able to take care of their parents too. My sister in law (husband's brother) and my brother's wife both have two daughters and they take good care of their parents, sis in law's one daughter is not married and she is like a son to them. Brother's sons in law take care of them like a son and whenever they have to go somewhere they book tickets fo rthem and help them in everything.

One son in law is my husband's nephew so he is more close and they are in Dubai and tells us to come and stay with them, but since my husband is busy in social work here he likes to go only for a month

Whatever I am today is the blessings of my parents and grandmother

 

@Grihani dear thanks for your sweet fb. True dear still it has to change more . Yes dear in some families there are brothers and sisters who fight for property but dont want to take responsibility. Yes dear women have to think about it because our parents have brought us in this world and have done so much for us , that it is our duty also to look after them. They should have their in law's family support also, especially if husband supports her .

 

I do want to take care of my mom and trying to convince her.

hate my Inlaws but Wil never stop dh to support them financially and emotionally
i will do the needful but like a nurse and not like a daughter