hurt by own mom

I am an aggrieved daughter. had a talk with one of the members of this forum, who suggested me to open an account here and share my feelings with you directly. I had a very bad experience with my own mom when I was pregnant. I know there will be people out there who will say that pregnancy is not a disease and one does not need any caretaker. Please I don’t want those ideas repeated here because any way to a great extent I HAD to manage alone only and in this case it is not a matter of clashing ideas as to whether pregnancy is a disease or not. Here in my parents and in laws family every one believes that YES care is required during pregnancy. So that was not the quarrel in my case.

The quarrel was When I was pregnant my in laws, who generally lives with us only, went on India tour (they made plans when they already knew it) for two months!!! And then from there they went to bil’s place. and when dh told them about being at home their reaction was part why her mother is not coming and part they want to but is caught up with their other sons requirement which was clearly nothing (let me not go into detail; of that as that is not much of my focus). Though they came for a couple of month that was accompanied by lots of blaming enough to make us regret the action of insisting on their coming. On my parents part it was exactly the same. They were like it was not their duty. I just can’t forget the way my mom told me point blank that I am utilizing her service in a selfish way even that I and my husband think that they are here to slog only while we don’t want to trouble ils. They were in a very blaming mood and in total they too did not stay with us for more than coupe of months and that too was accompanied by equally if not more severe blaming that we are not considerate about their needs and only want to use them. She even said that I teamed up with my dh in this. They had some commitments which could very well be postponed. That pregnancy period was the worst night mare in my life. That time spent. After my daughter was born there was some complications this time my parents came and comparatively blaming was less but they were always like we tried to selfishly utilize them during my pregnancy. They still thought that it was me who was too demanding, selfish etc and was the root cause of my own sorrow. I had had enough after an year or so. Though my baby still requires people around. I have completely stopped calling any one at home. Even my dh has done the same. So much so that in laws now don’t feel much comfortable in our home and prefer to live with my bil. My in laws have not visited us for an year (though we have visited them in between) and my parents for an year and half (and we have not visited them during this time).

Now recently my mom called me and said she wants to come and stay with me for six months together as she is missing me. She is the same mom who replied to me ‘why two full months? You need me to slog here because your ils are having luxury of India tour? When I said once that I would love her company, her reply was ‘tell me if you need any service otherwise why should we stay back? On many crucial moments her reaction was ‘we should leave now I think, our job is over I think’ I may be wrong but I feel like puking whenever I think about such past incidences. And am just not able to feel happy because she wants to come. I am very hurt with my own parent’s actions and don’t know how to move on.

 

sorry dear...it is not about being princess..it is about the love one expects from one's own parents. It is not so much about what they did for two months what i am trying to focus on is their behavior, their blamings, theri idea that their daughter is using them, their indifference to the suffering of their daughter. Yes i suffered, a lot...was severely nauseous the whole time and was admitted to hospital multiple times during the nine months for administering saline water. No I am not selfish, i did not expect something otherworldly from my parents. I cried the whole time not because no one is there to cook me some food, though there actually was none. My dh tried his best to cook, but his was always either uncooked or burnt and we could not find any maid. Still i did not cry because of that. I cried because of the fact that my mom does not care about my feelings any more just because i am married now and at the time of suffering and even perceived danger she can be coldly calculative about how much she is taken for granted. We all know ils do it, may be that is why i am not saying much about ils here but the world says mother will always be by your side no matter what or craps like this.

any way, thanks for replying

 

hi dear. Yes i will also do the same if i plan a second child. I have learnt a lesson. Now i know why people say that girls become parayi after marriage. Even if a girl does not want to become parayi, her parents become parayi to her the moment she takes the round with her dh. It is my personal experience. I know there will be hundreds of girls whose exp is different. May be i am unlucky.

You are right. Nothing is free, even mother's love. You know what? i had come to terms with this and started to live my own life in my own hands considering that i have no one out there to help me, but suddenly when my mom says she misses me and wants to live with me for a looong time, i suddenly find myself face-to-face with a dilema. Will my mom even not let me come to a side tht yes my mom is not the one to be emotionally close any more??? I am alone??? why does she want to revive an emotion she has killed with her own hands???? Is it for her own emotional needs?? Can parents be so selfish yet pose like they are the gods and goddesses???

 

Honestly it took me some time to internalize the fact that they really do not want to come when i need them where as they were always eager to visit me and stay with me earlier when i did not need them and they used to do it too. Yes i tried to find out a lot. I reason with her and myself a lot. The whole nights i would not sleep and reason and reason in my own mind as to if it is me who is at fault??? I really did not find any dear. It is not my fault that my ils chose to leave me at the time i needed them whereas they used to live with us only prior to that. It is not my fault that they think it is my parent's duty to take care of me. It is my fault if i am nauseous like mad, so much so that i can not be inside the house if anything is being cooked in the kitchen. It is not my fault if i do not find any cook. It is not my fault if i do not get nine months leave from office to go to my mother's place in a diff city. It is not my fault if i expect that my mom will at least say, 'i know we need to be there with you now because you are suffering, but what can we do we have very urgent things. I feel so sad for you'. Instead they said, i am trying to use them, I am selfish, they are not bound to give me service after i am married. More than the actual service it is their words and complete lack of feeling for me that killed me during that time. I don't know if i will ever revive from this.