Getting over the past.

Past is water under the bridge.

Like I mentioned elsewhere ,I have moved on from pretty harsh and adverse events of the past, both personal and professional.
I had a huge professional crash a few years back.I moved on,re-established myself struggling but doing well.
I have moved on from many personal setbacks that I had be it a broken heart or traumatic experiences with H's family.
I have fought many professional rivals (believe me being a woman in a business world is not easy) and have shown them there right place.

While I am trying to deal with my over dominating /manipulative mother at home and trying to create a home enviorn healthy for both her and me,there are certain things apart from the resistance she puts up that are hurdles in my path.

I am not unable to get over the discrimination or the sour experiences of my childhood.Those small things which at this stage of life seem absolutely trivial stand up every now and then.
I cannot understand why it is so damn hard to get over this stuff absolutely insignificant now.

I am venting and sharing a few things which I can't over.
I know i have to move on from this(but can't and why I can't is the dilemma) so would appreciate responses not saying"That's stupid and you are a freak .Move on"

My parents were both in well paying govt. jobs.
Not many obligations (financial) and our family was the most well off in our large extended family .
But my mother would never buy me clothes.
I had only two set of clothes that fit.I used to wear my mother's oversized kameez salwars to extra classes at school on days when there was a no uniform code.I was a 40 odd kilos and she a 65+ by weight.

Once she took me to a marriage.It was her colleague's sisters'.I was 14.I still remember what I was dressed in. I had only one top.One of it's sleeve had caught fire from a firecracker.it was my only top.
My skirt was too short for my height and was making me conscious.
I didnot have any casual/formal shoes.so I wore my mom's oversized kohlapuri chappals.
What a sight i would have been!
Still my mother asked me to wear those clothes and come along as people hardly notice.The hostess indeed took notice.

P.S.This description is no exaggeration. I still am surprised and unable to figure out what motivated my dear mom to dress me up like that.


Then there were no bday parties for me.
I had my first bday party.
My brother had them every year,regular ones punctuated by real large functions.
Once I did not ask my parents and invited four friends over.
They didn't get angry and entertained them well. No questions asked.i bet that was my father's generosity.
I had another because everyone in the class was having it that year for it was the last year at school.
I still remember how happy I was! Exuberant and over the top happy!!


My mother shouting at me,calling me names and saying real mean things was pretty regular in the house.
My father has been a big support.
I went to the same school as my brother and then to a professional college but not without my mother telling me at least a thousand times that how many "crores" are being spent on me.
By a practical calculation afterwards I realised that with all the scholarships I bagged my education was more or less free which my father too concedes.
Of course I got a decent pocket money from him.

I can rant more.But those things are not much significant from the one's I have mentioned.But everything hurts and it hurts bad.and with my mother staying with me,they hurt all the more.
All this heartache over all this stuff...it takes out the most timid and touchy being out of me.Has me curl up and lie down for hours together...too tender to talk and too docile too command.

 

Thanks tashidelek

It is a rather delayed thanks from me as you had suggested this site a few years back and it answered a lot of 'Whys'.
I could figure out that a first born daughter had hurt my mother's pride when all her co-sisters (whom she felt she was tremendously superior too) had first born sons.
So I was kind of her first flaw.
Discovering this 'why' ,this reason was quite a relief.

But this part that I talk about still needs to be dealt with.
Trying to figure out ways,but I guess the over-emotional ,sensitive and aggravated child takes over.

 

Yes indeed. from gross to subtle but the abuse remains.

And I admit staying in the same house is a bad idea but do not know a way of asking her to shift into a house in the same block even.
I am dead scared of the emotional outbursts(read, volcanic)that will follow.

For now I have firmly told her that how unfair and unacceptable is such behavior.
On one occasion,when she was creating a scene even my husband told her that insulting her married daughter would amount to insulting her family too.
But deaf ears!!

Even with very limited communication she does not seem to give way and carry on with her own aggressive (active before,passive now) self!

Narcissism or not,it certainly is some kind of depravitity.
There,I said it!

 

Not financially, but am responsible for my parent's physical and emotional health ,at least for the rest of their life.

About packing her off,I so want to do that (talked to a few brokers already) but it involves my father too.
Had it not been him I would not have been what I am.

And then there are my kids who are extremely extremely fond of their over pampering grandma.
Would not at any cost,want them to witness a drama,esp the one which projects me a negative shade.That cost it seems is my peace of mind and a large piece of my life.

 

I totally agree!

Have talked to my brother who agrees to execute her displacement.
So probably it's few more months for me.

And possibly after this expatriation,the sour past I have referred to on my opening post,will be worked on.