1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Am i a Servant to them

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Soch, May 27, 2015.

  1. Soch

    Soch Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    416
    Likes Received:
    201
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All,

    Don't know where to start, again problem started with Father. Last Friday, I left office an reached home by 8.20, Door was locked, called my father to check where he is, He replied that he had taken my bro kid for vaccination with my DD & my bro wife. He is not leave the keys to my neighbours, he was telling come to hospital & collect it. I replied, it far how can I come, He shouted back saying what to do should I come back. I said leave them in hospital you come, they can come later after vaccination. No reply. They can back at 10.20 after getting food outside, even though food was available at home for 3 people. I had my periods, I was hungry & top of it I had office call that I have to login from home

    After reaching I did not talk to them, when my DD came in to my room, I told her, going forward call me if you are going out. For that father replied why are behaving like this, what is you problem. I replied I am telling my Daughter why are you coming, oho dog you will be like only. I got irritated, I replied back , he said I am leaving the house, I said I only should leave, I am working like a servant for you and you son's house also, you people will not even treat me as a human being. for that he came to hit me, I stoped him and left the place. I stopped talking to him.

    My bro wife, her mom had gone to Singapore for trip with elder daughter, so they want to take care of their 1 yrs old son. I said that I will manage for 2 week, but they did not plan things properly, so 1 week, my Work From Home (WFH) wasted being at their home at Bangalore, 2nd week, I tried for maid but nothing worked out, So my 10 yrs DD and father was managing, she came on Thursday & was working from home, so again my DD was feeding, clean him if be become dirt and preparing tea for her & father. 3 rd week, I told will put him day care as I could not manage him, that too I have pack his food and leave him Day care. For 4th week, I said I will not be able to manage as my DD school is reopening, she said akka you some how manage pls, I cannot take him here as I might not get WFH, I replied, see I have to leave house by 8 to drop the kid and go to office, so will not be possible, as I have cook full meals for dad and DH. she asked how will I, I replied you ask your hubby to take 2 days WFH and you take 2 days WFH, by that time your mom will be back. she said you also think akka, I will also think.


    Next day My bro called me, he said I will come on Saturday & take baby. He said, when you struggled, father supported you, now why are you torching him. He meant Struggled when I was divorced, he was living with me to take care of kid. That time I had full time maid, after 3 yrs, she was in playschool halfday, U even put her in day care for 2nd half, my father goes there frequently so this girl said iw ill not go there any more, but I some how managed to put her. but my father did not leave. But after my second marriage , when I was leaving to my DH city, I was looking for maid to take care of DD and MIL. But 1 month before I was leavning , he said I am also coming with you. I said ok. People who know me can refer to other thread how my father trouble me.

    But now also I don't want to leave my father, even my DH also tells me adjust if I tensed with mt father. But Bro is talking like that. He is telling give him a break, so that he will realize. I also told him that every summer vacation & winter vacation will take leave and ask my father to go some where. Also for past 1 year I only drop my kid and pick her up from school and after that I WFH. So its like I am taking care. He also said, I will take him with me for 1 week, so you, your DD & your DH will realize his presence. I replied him, I know about it. Even if we travel some where, its always 4 of us.

    But in my bro house nothing like that, this summer also we went to bro house, that lad not even once he prepared food, I will cook there, & madam packs her lunch & go. I have to take care of kid also. they will come only at 9.30 pm. I never Grip about that also thinking any its my bro's house, its ok. But he got angry when I said I can manage his kid for 4 th week, he spoke very rudely, he was drunken, so did not reply him. Now called him to reply but did not pick the call.

    Sorry Guys for the long post, Feeling very bad, don't know whom to talk to.

    My other post to know more about the problem:
    9 yrs girl - Study Time & Am I being Used
    in my Parent House
     
    Loading...

  2. Soch

    Soch Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    416
    Likes Received:
    201
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Guys, I feel like ending this relationship. I want to be away from these people. I want to try for some job outside India. Or Please tell me how to stay away from these people. Should I change my number and address.
     
  3. Soch

    Soch Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    416
    Likes Received:
    201
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    What I did is a mistake is it? 105 views no reply :cry:.
     
  4. mimmyme

    mimmyme Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    438
    Likes Received:
    434
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    You are a working lady, independent, why do you still want to be in that house.

    Leave it, get transferred to different city and be on your own.
     
  5. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    733
    Likes Received:
    961
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    You can minimize your interactions with them if you feel disrespected by them.

    Get your own place. Don't visit them much. Limit phone conversations to include only mundane things, don't discuss important things with them.

    I can see you expect them to treat you with love and respect as they should, but you can not change them. Stop reacting to them when they are being hurtful or inconsiderate of you. Instead, take charge of the situation. eg - Now you know your father goes out without leaving key for you, get a duplicate set made for you. Don't even get into an argument over this - no matter how much inconvenience you have to face. It is not worth spoiling your mood. Look out for yourself. These problems will no longer bother you.

    When you go to your brother's place, tell the what you want. If you don't want to cook, say lets get food from outside/ask brother or SIL to cook. Ask for help when you need it. Keep asking until you get it. Don't bother about who gets mad over it. That is not your problem. Do only what you think is fair.

    Have more confidence in yourself. Please don't change your address and phone number without telling any one. That will only make you seem weak. Instead, establish some boundaries, and enforce them. If you leave, tell them you are leaving, after working out the details. Don't be afraid to stand up to them.

    Stay strong. I am sure you can handle it.
     
    3 people like this.
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    11,157
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    @soch - I have read your thread in the past about your daughter and your Dad. Let me say this to you, your daughter is your first and most important priority. She is ten years old. She is a child herself. She isn't capable of handling a one ur old including feeding and cleaning the kid. That's not her job. No matter what you do, stand up for your daughter. Do not let your brother make her a baby sitter for taking care of his kid. You can do whatever for your brother and as an adult you are capable of making that decision. Your daughter isn't able to say no and put her foot down. I'm sure with all the grandpa drama and the studies issues he has with her she is already emotionally vulnerable. Don't let your father guilt trip her into fending for her cousin. In other words, don't let your dad emotionally black mail her the same way he does to you. You can and must get your child away from this situation. Your first duty isn't towards your dad or brother but it is towards a ten yes old who is solely dependent on you. Please remove her from this situation. She shouldn't be around people who take her and you for granted. It will hurt her self esteem. Do whatever it takes to get your child a happy environment. She needs it, more than your brother needs childcare or your dad needs self validation.
     
    9 people like this.
  7. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    440
    Likes Received:
    753
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    You really need to set healthy boundaries in your family. I read your previous threads as well what I feel from that is you father is a bully sorry for being blunt. Your brother is a very irresponsible person who wants everything on platter. You are an overly responsible person who takes on a lot more than you can handle. You should have never on earth taken your one year old nephews responsibility for whole one month on top of that you are working full time why would you do that. You sil is a very irresponsible mother who just throws her baby at relative and goes for a holiday. Your poor 10 year old is doing a baby sitting to her cousin all the time. If I were you I would never walk down that road. When your brother tells you that you are taking advantage of your dad, simply tell him that he should worry about his son and leave you and dad alone. just avoid trips to their house. Keep you relation to the point with them and live your life. Pay attention to you own child. It's good that your dad helped you in your tough times but it does not mean he has to bully your child. Tell you dad that he can live at your house with dignity but it does not mean that he has to put you down every now and then. You really need to set your priorities right. Why did you even agree to look after you one year old nephew for so long?
     
    4 people like this.
  8. Soch

    Soch Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    416
    Likes Received:
    201
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hmm.., My DH told me the same thing, like emotional blackmailing. I am really bad in understanding people, I realized now that they are emotionally blackmailing me. am i so stupid that I was not aware of these things till now, I don't know, My own people doing this to me.

    About me taking care of nephew, i told him that it will be tough for me, but my father was like i will take care, if i say the problem involved in that he tells that if you cant you don't do. But the next moment he comes & asks me to do those things. I wonder why is he like this.

    I am not talking to him after that key incident, on Tuesday, he came to & said that He will be dying soon as His weight is reducing badly, so he showed his bank books and said that these much amount is there in so & so banks, you are nominee for all, wanted to tell I don't need these, but don't feel like replying him. I just ignored and left the place. My DD was telling so sad ma grandpa, he is trying to speak to you, talk to him ma. I don't know this time I felt very bad and don't feel like talking to any of them, just keeping quiet.

    How do i over come this being sensitive and emotional weekness?

    Thank you all
     
    2 people like this.
  9. sravani69

    sravani69 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Did you tried meditation ?
     
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    11,157
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    @soch - Not talking is a very childish thing to do. Your Dad talking about death is emotional blackmail again. When he says such things, just ignore it. If you give him attention of any kind he will continue doing it. Don't show any anger or frustration when he does it. Just ignore and go about your work. Don't completely cut communication. That shows your weakness. Talk to him but behave like an adult with control not a child needing Daddy's validation. Instead talk to him like an equal.

    When he accepts to watch the baby, he does it himself. He cannot ask your child to help. I think you need your daughter in a summer class or after school activities. Only if your Dad has access to your child will he be able to blackmail her into chores. If she doesn't come home from school but goes straight to an after care with classes and you pick her up after work most issues will be solved. Once you are home, you need to stand firm and tell your Dad that your ten years old will not do any work unless you ask her to. You need to do this each time he tries to intervene. This includes her studies and anything related to her. Be polite but firm. Make good eye contact. No emotions negative or otherwise. She cannot be put under duress because you don't stand up for her. You do this first and then deal with your brother's nonsense. He wants to take your Dad, please book tickets and send your dad. Don't make it one week. Make it over a couple of months. Once your brother realises you aren't relying on Dad he will stop guilt tripping you.
    Acknowledge everything your Dad did for you during your rough days but tell him no firmly when he tries to push your child or you to do anything against your will. Your idea of leaving the country is very good. If you can, you must leave town and take your child away from your dad and his manipulative ways.
     
    3 people like this.

Share This Page