Happy and yet not happy - I am happy but my sister is not and that is killing me!

I feel for you.

 

Hello pinknblue
Your story is exact same as mine except my sis dont hv kids yet.After all ups and down my life getting a bit steady now,planning for my second kid,but all these sis and parents problems makes me insane and as u said that reflects on my hubby and child.
I too feel helpless and cant even eat and sleep peacefully and cant enjoy being happy with family.
In business or other fields we can put efforts and change it as we want but dealing with stubborn egoistic ppl is very tough.its not like one of those Rajinikanth movies wherein his kindness and sacrifice melts the enemies hearts.In reality the more u tolerate the more they take us for granted.
I don't want to sound pessimist but as of now,after trying my best,I hv resigned everything upon gods feet and hope for best.As they say Time is best healer,one should learn to let go of things as sometimes u can only Love your dear ones but can't save them.For the sake of kid and to save my sanity,I am mentally accepting the fate and going with the flow of life.all this bcos I don't want all these negativity affect my kid.
Life is harsh upon everybody so take life as it comes.everybody have ups and downs in life.have positive thought that life will get better.my feeling for my sibling will never diminish but as of now iam not happy nor broken. Sounds philosophical but this attitude will save our family.

 

pinknblue

I understand where you're coming from. I go through these bouts as well, even though none of my guilt is for reasons as painful as yours. I feel bad with our huge backyard and comfortable home, when my parents have to climb up 3 floors to get to our home in India. I feel bad when I just zoom off in my car when my parents have to haggle with auto-drivers etc. So, I think everyone goes through emotions like this.

But think about it this way, your happiness is probably the sliver of hope in your parents' otherwise miserable life. They probably get this small peace of mind that at least one of their children is leading a happy life. I think you being happy and at peace is important in not just making it peaceful for them, but that would also put you in a place where you will be able to be the emotional support to them in their times of misery. Reassure your sister that you're there for her, re-assure your parents that you're there for your sister and them. I think that would matter to them most.

 

Your sister is an adult and responsible for her decisions. As much as you want to help her, this is the best help you can give. Stay away from her married life and only give a lending ear. The position where she is, she will not like/take your advice plus if she gets divorced based on your judgement, she may start blaming you for her loneliness. Whatever it is, she will deal with it. Let her be. Just be a good friend instead of rubbing her the wrong way.

 

Dear OP
Sometimes people are in situations not because of something they did or didnt do. If only all things are a direct consequence of our actions..life would be very simple... no?
It is indeed very hard when we see someone we love unhappy..even harder when we are helpless . So many times ..I have wanted to go in and fix things for people I love....Oh how I have wished....only to be reminded of my own human limitations.
Let her know u are there...do not judge her or her marriage...or her decisions ..what could have been done.... should have been said. Sometimes a few words of comfort is all a sibling needs.
.

Do not beat urself up over what u thought was the best advice u could give then. If u have access to a counselor it would be good to talk .Atleast a few sessions.

 

Dear OP,

It is obvious to feel bad or guilt when our dear ones struggle while we are at peace and comfortable compared to them. There is no choice other than extending some helps to make their life easy as much as you can. Not necessarily financial helps, but some emotional support or physical support... whatever possible in your case.
Also, better not to share your happiness and comfort with the ones who are yearning to have them, but unfortunately never blessed with. Better such details are not shared unless it is very important.

Now coming to your sister's issue... Treat her as an independent adult.. more importantly a married woman with a child. Always give her some times to listen to her problems, pray for her.. and let her know that you care for her life and ready to support should she requires at any time. That should be enough.

Do not force her to do anything. Because her problem, personality and situation may be different from yours. So, let her decide.

When I had marital problems, I just speak out all the issues I faced to my mom and sissy without realizing how it would have hurt them then. But venting really helped me then to move on with life.
So, the next day I would be fine by forgiving or forgetting my spouse after the venting, but they will still be worried about me and hold the grudge against my husband for doing this to me. Sometimes, my detailing style of the issue may be way too much speculation than what happened in real.
Can't help, because a problematic heart needs a place at least to vent.

Later, I found IL to vent; thus my folks slowly got out of my daily dramatic life issues. This helped a lot as they felt happy about the improvement; thus stopped judging me or guiding me against my will.
Although my life has not changed much, I was still able to handle it perfectly. This confidence later helped me to stand up for myself; thus eventually change the life for better. Now I am happy.

Just because your sister vents and says some really bad stuff about her H, doesn't mean her life is that bad. Perhaps it is really not good as yours, but she still can cope it. That is why she is still living it.
Her venting helps her. But don't get them to your heart.

Just be a supportive counselor. Perhaps you can direct her to IL

 

OP you are aware of only one side of story.